How to build relationships when you're feeling crappy about yourself and lonely?
Hi everyone,
I've been feeling very isolated and lonely lately. I feel like my friend groups are thinning. The friends I have I feel increasingly disconnected from and I always feel like I disagree with them. I feel like my opportunities to go out and do things are getting smaller. I feel shit about being single and being a virgin. I'm just really confused about what to do because nothing I try ever works and I always end up at square one. I seem to just self-sabotage myself by either putting tons of pressure on building relationships with new people I meet or closing off from new people which just stops me from being able to make friends with them. I also just feel like I'm super picky because I'm so sick of the superficiality of the world and people in this generation being so unjust and non-accepting of each other, and it feels like I can't find any good people that I want to be associated with.
I just don't get how you're supposed to be ok with being alone. Everyone tells you this but it feels the same as saying 'just be ok with not eating' like these are basic human needs, and it makes sense why I'd be feeling so bad. I don't understand how you're supposed to love yourself and be happy alone and all that when being lonely is what perpetuates feelings of self-doubt and depression and low self-esteem etc., the things that make it harder to form relationships by self-sabotaging and dumping all your baggage on the other person.
I guess I do have opportunities in the future, I do have some people I can catch up with and I have a full-time job I'm starting tomorrow. I feel like I'm just gonna put too much pressure on myself again or close off from others and end up not connecting with anyone. It feels like I've just forgotten how to make friends since high school bc the only ones I'm in contact with atm are from there. Covid also screwed everything up bc year 1 uni was during lockdown so I never got to meet anyone.
And then there's dating, which is an area I feel super foreign to as well. I can't use dating apps without having a panic attack and deleting them, and all other options seem impossible for me in my current state. I've had a girlfriend before but it was through another friend setting us up, so I never really had to go through the hurdles of asking someone out and fearing rejection. That being said I also reckon if I had a girlfriend it would just be to fill a void inside me and get validation, but then again I don't know how you can not have some element of wanting to get into a relationship to feel better when it seems so impossible to feel good single (not to mention how literally every person who tells you 'you can't be happy in a relationship unless you're happy alone' or 'you can't use it to fill a void' is in a relationship themselves).
If anyone can tell me what to do that'd be awesome. I want to take meaningful action but I literally don't know what that is in this context, and it's hard when you go through therapy and feel like you're just not getting the answers you want. Idk if I'm asking for too much but I thought I may as well try, maybe someone else can relate and it can help them too.
Comments
Hi @Mint_Crane,
Thank you for sharing your situation. I also find it challenging at times to initiate new and maintain current friendships. Loneliness can be an overwhelming experience so I want to know the way you're feeling right now is completely understandable. It's important to have people you can rely on and when that's missing, it can be hard knowing who you can truly lean on. Over time, I've come to realise that the most meaningful relationships I have are with people that accept me for all that I am, and that have flourished over time. Not rushing into things also allowed me to reflect on the values I believed are important in friendships and are things I actively search for in new people. Something that helped me was joining a few clubs at school and in my local community. I ended up meeting a few people who shared my interests and were genuinely engaged in each conversation I had with them. 💛
As for dating, your feelings are valid. It’s okay to want a relationship while also recognising that it won’t solve everything. It's not easy putting yourself out there and opening up to people that you haven't met before. At least for me, the idea that you must be completely happy alone before dating isn’t always realistic for everybody. Something I found helpful when I was struggling with similar thoughts was finding small ways to feel more secure and cared for. A big part of this was engaging in self-care, as doing things that helped to ground me reinforced the message that I could and would always be there for myself at the end of the day. 😊
Either way, sending you my very best!
Hey @Mint_Crane ,
I really feel for you, and I just want to say that what you're going through is completely valid. I went through something really similar—losing touch with old friends, struggling to connect with new ones, feeling like I was stuck in a cycle of isolation and self-sabotage. For a long time, I felt like I was just watching my life move forward without actually being part of it. And yeah, the whole "just be okay with being alone" advice used to drive me crazy too—it felt like people were asking me to be happy with something that felt completely unnatural.
But I want to tell you that things can change, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. For me, the shift didn't happen overnight, and it wasn’t some huge revelation—it was a slow process of letting go of the pressure I was putting on myself. I used to overthink every interaction, either trying too hard or shutting down completely, and it made socializing exhausting. What helped was focusing on really small wins, like enjoying a casual conversation without worrying where it would lead, or just showing up to things even if I felt awkward. Over time, I feel less exhausted during the interactions and allow myself to enjoy the company of my new friends, even if we are not chatting.
And as for relationships, I 100% get the frustration. Dating apps felt impossible, and I hated how people in relationships would say, "You have to be happy alone first" while having exactly what I wanted. But what I learned is that being happy alone doesn’t mean never feeling lonely—it just means being okay with the quiet moments, not needing someone else to feel like you’re enough. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I still fall back into the old of way of negative thinking but it is such a big win every time I can remove myself out of that space asap! And ironically, when I stopped chasing relationships to "fix" things, I found myself actually enjoying meeting people more, which made connections happen more naturally.
I know it feels like you’re stuck right now, but starting your full-time job is already a big step forward. It’s a new environment, a chance to meet people without all the pressure, and an opportunity to slowly rebuild your confidence. Try not to see every interaction as pass/fail—sometimes just showing up and being open is enough. And if nothing else, know that you’re not alone in this. You will find people who truly get you, even if it takes time. I promise, it gets better. 💙
Hey, I have a few thoughts on some of the things you mentioned.
Loneliness is really hard, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Loneliness is something I dealt with a lot until recent years, and it felt like something I would always feel. I thought I might never get better at connecting with people, but I'm pleased to report that my relationships have grown and improved despite my fears, and I'm sure with time yours will too. Don't give up hope!
I understand that it is good to be comfortable in your own company, but you are totally right - humans need connection. It sounds like you are having trouble 'finding your tribe', and that people you used to connect with don't feel like such a great match for you now as everyone grows and changes at different speeds and in different ways. I think this is fairly common, but it hurts to think that people you used to enjoy spending time with don't give you that same feeling anymore and it could be time to move on. Unless you really don't like to spend time with them anymore I think it's usually good to maintain the relationships while trying to branch out and meet new people who are a better fit. In my experience, building new connections takes patience and persistence. You won't necessarily feel a strong connection to someone new the first time you meet them, but, for example, if you joined a social sports team and saw the same group of people every week for a season, friendships may start to develop naturally. At the very least it may help to reduce feelings of loneliness even if you don't end up with close friends straight away. How would you feel about finding some kind of group that aligns with an interest of yours, be it a sports team, art classes, chess club, whatever you are into? The Meetup app/website has a whole bunch of social groups for all sorts of interests, there is bound to be something on there that could be of interest to you.
I'm glad you are able to see some positives in your life though, like your upcoming opportunities, the people you can catch up with and the new job (congratulations!). I certainly find going to work and seeing the same people every week is great for reducing loneliness, even if you don't take those friendships outside the workplace, and my social circle feels very small when I am unemployed. And good on you for going to therapy! Don't forget that you can try a new therapist if you feel that you really aren't getting anywhere with your current one. Therapists are definitely not all the same, and it often takes seeing a few different people before you find someone who works for you.
Happy to talk more if you like, I know I didn't address every point you made. How do the things I've said so far resonate with you?
There are people out there you will connect with, I'm sure of it, it's just a matter of finding them. And you can always connect with us here in the ReachOut community.
💛
Thanks for your response @pearl_heart,
I'm just wondering if you ever had any issues with managing expectations when you were going through your loneliness? I feel like I can get an increased feeling of desperation internally which subsequently makes me immediately latch on to new people that I meet that I sense might be similar to me, which obviously increases pressure but also puts me in a mental battle where I don't want to come across pushy/needy so I end up just ignoring them all together. Its just another one of those cyclical things where feeling lonely makes you desperate but then that desperation can sabotage ur ability to form relationships which just makes u feel lonely again.
I think this is why people say 'work on yourself first' or 'learn to enjoy being alone', bc I can see how having high self-esteem would lower the pressure to make friends immediately and consequently make it easy to avoid self-sabotage when meeting new people. But its still just so hard to feel good about ur self when ur feeling isolated.
Hey @Mint_Crane ,
Yeah, I hear you. It's hard place to be. As you say, feeling lonely can eat away at your self esteem and then make it feel harder to get out of the loneliness. Working on yourself (I think of things like building healthy nutrition/exercise/sleep habits, pursuing hobbies, going to therapy, reflecting and journalling, working on your career, maybe engaging in some kind of spirituality, etc. Also checking out some of the articles other people have linked in this thread) is great and would hopefully help you feel better about yourself and also create more avenues to connect or bond with new people. Just remember that you don't have to feel 100% about yourself before you seek out friends - you can learn and grow a lot from friends too.
I think my situation was a bit different in that I was quite shy as well as lonely, so my freindships slowly developed through that repeated exposure method - seeing the same people all the time at uni. If I came across people I thought I might have something in common with, I really wasn't brave enough to try to pursue a friendship with them at all and was afraid of being rejected/annoying so would try instead to just be okay being alone. I was quite lucky in that a person who ended up becoming my best friend just kept engaging with me even though I was shy and wouldn't really have had the guts to try to pursue friendship myself. A few of my friendships developed that way - which says something about how being the person who makes the effort at the start isn't a bad thing. You'll probably come across people who aren't that interested in making new friends, but here are definitely others who are.
You mention the internal battle of trying to connect but not be too intense, resulting in you just ignoring them. Your self doubt may tell you that you can't manage an acceptable amount of interaction and you won't become friends, but not trying at all creates an even higher chance that you two won't become friends. At the very least, if you try and they don't really engage back, you would have gotten a little practice in. I struggled with this too and avoided trying to connect with people out of fear, but now that I have more confidence I look back and think I probably could have made a lot more friends sooner if I hadn't been so afraid of mesing things up and being rejected, and I'm more willing now to be the pursuer at the start of a friendship.
I am interested to know what you think counts as being too pushy/needy? For example I used to think that something like initiating 2 text conversations without the other person starting a conversation in between may be 'too needy', but now I wouldn't really worry about that unless the ratio was way more imbalanced, or if their responses were really dry and disinterested. I know that there are people like me who would like to make friends but are just shy about it, or feel kind of neutral about it at first but then become more interested over time, etc. Maybe some people would find initiating 2 text conversations too much, but others wouldn't - maybe they just hadn't had something to share.
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective @pearl_heart.
I'm pretty similar in that I feel like I struggle to gauge when it's appropriate to ask someone to hang out or do something outside the context of where you normally see them. Like at uni I basically never asked people to grab lunch after class or get a drink or whatever. Even people that I was kinda friends with in class, just never wanted to ask to do something outside of it because I always felt like I was pushing boundaries too hard, or they'd be weirded out wondering why I thought we were friends. I've felt that with most contexts I've been a part of and although it's early days, I feel it a bit at work too. Again I just sometimes wonder how I made friends in high school and primary bc I was pretty good at it, but honestly since then, it's felt so hard.
But yeah weirdly I feel like I was slowly figuring it out as I was typing so thanks for prompting me with that question. Lmk what you think 🙂
Hey @Mint_Crane ,
So glad you found that question helpful. 🙂 Sometimes we get an idea in our heads without actually thinking it all the way through and questioning whether it's really true - learning to question my negative thoughts has been a big help for me.
Something which I find helpful when I'm worried about someone's reaction is to imagine the roles reversed - if a person I had been friendly with at uni or work suggested we get a drink sometime, how would I feel? A bit nervous probably, but flattered, and pleased about the opportunity to develop a friendship. Would I feel 'weirded out wondering why I thought we were friends'? If we had had friendly conversation a few times already, at most I might feel surprised, but why weirded out? A person I have been getting along with is showing interest in becoming friends, how nice.
Now, just because you or I feel a certain way doesn't mean everyone else would, but it probably means at least some other people would (I think this applies in most situations). It could take a few tries, sure, but you'll find those people who are open to new friendships.
You say you are worried about pushing boundaries too hard by asking someone to do something out of class, and I totally get that feeling. I really was terrified to do this during uni. I always worried that I wouldn't know how to keep the conversation going and it would be terribly awkward and they would never want to talk to me again because they discovered I was boring or something. If you really think about it though, for every pair or group of people who hang together, someone had to have been the first person to suggest hanging out outside of whatever context that they met. Sure, some people do this effortlessly, but I'm sure plenty of friendships started with people, like us, who had to push past their comfort zone, and were pleasantly surprised with the result.
In uni, I found it a lot easier to suggest to a group that we hang out - then there's more people to help conversation flow. I did manage to arrange a hangout with someone from work alone later on, and it went well! That experience has helped me feel more confident about connecting with people one on one in general.
I could go on and on about this stuff, because I really have struggled with it, and I still do to an extent, but I've learned so much and gained so much confidence through the years. You'll get there too! 💛
Yeah you're right, I do assume the worst before considering reaching out to someone or just asking if someone wants to hang out. I'd be curious to know why I assume people would be weirded out or put off if I ask them to hang out, I'm a pretty introspective person but I've never really thought about why that is. It'd probably help a lot in understanding what's going on with me.
I thought I'd also just report that being more accepting of having friends who aren't super close has been a real help for me. I think I've always valued really close connections which is obviously a good thing, but can be very painful when you feel like you don't have many. I think spreading out my focus and recognising that I do have some deep connections, and some mates I could just try to organise a night out with to have some mindless fun is way healthier in the short term rather than feeling constantly down about how I can't have a d'n'm with everyone I'm associated with.
I've also found from work that sometimes you just gotta scratch that social itch and speak to some people, even if it's not super deep. I've had a decent mood boost as a result, the only difficulty from that is when you can't organise something, or you know that people ur mates with are going out but you aren't and don't wanna intrude by asking to join (but then ur just sat there alone). Honestly I reckon it's a mix of accepting how ur feeling now, and learning to drop ur ego so u can actually take the steps to create your own social life rather than wait for it to fall into ur lap.
Anyway I'm rambling but I've loved the discussion so far ur a legend @pearl_heart 🙏. Hope ur doing well urself.
I really like your perspectives! And I'm so glad you are enjoying the friendships and interactions you are having, even if you would still like to develop some deeper connections in future as well. I think it's nice having connections across the scale of closeness anyway, and who knows where they will end up down the track - some may fizzle while others may grow quite close. Accepting your feelings now while also taking steps to move closer to what you want sounds like a very healthy attitude to me!
I'm doing well thank you, and I'm pleased you've enjoyed the conversation - I have too. Talking through this with you has reminded me of how far I've come with this stuff, and it's lovely to think I may have helped someone else on their own journey with similar struggles. ☺️
Best of luck! 💛
Hey @Mint_Crane, I just want to say I really appreciate you sharing all of this. It sounds like you're going through a tough time, and I can see how frustrating it must be to feel stuck in these patterns, especially when you're trying to make meaningful connections.
I completely get what you're saying about loneliness feeling like an unmet need rather than something you can just "accept." Humans are wired for connection, so of course, feeling isolated hurts. And it makes sense that the pressure you put on new relationships (or the urge to withdraw) would come from a place of wanting to protect yourself. It’s really hard to find that balance.
The fact that you’re reflecting on all of this so deeply is actually a strength. It shows that you’re self-aware and that you care about meaningful relationships rather than just forcing surface-level connections. Maybe instead of focusing on "fixing" the loneliness right away, the next step could be experimenting with smaller, low-pressure interactions—just showing up to things without the expectation of deep connection right away. Over time, those interactions might naturally turn into something more.
I also hear the frustration around dating and the advice people give about "being happy alone." I think a lot of people do use relationships to fill a void to some extent, and maybe the goal isn’t to be perfectly happy single but to feel stable enough that you’re not relying on a relationship to feel whole. It’s okay to want connection—it doesn’t mean you're broken for struggling with it.
I know I don’t have all the answers, but you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way. If you ever want to talk more or just vent, I’m happy to listen. And congrats on starting your new job—big changes can be overwhelming, but they also open up new opportunities. Wishing you the best with it.
HI @Mint_Crane, thank you for sharing - I first want to say that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I really relate to what you've written about struggling to make friends after high school, not knowing what to do about dating but hating being single, feeling disconnected from friends and nothing seeming to work out. I also understand how frustrating it can be when people give you advice like "just put yourself out there" or "you've got to love yourself first" as if it's that simple, and those people are usually ones who've never really had to struggle to make friends or get into a relationship.
I sometimes reflect on how my life has been and my experiences of relationships (I'm 22 and have never been in a relationship) and I feel awful about myself, and I can spiral into isolation, loneliness and self-hatred. But I've realised that while I'd like to have better relationships (romantic and friendships) and to meet more people that I connect with on a deeper level, there are many parts of my life that I do like, which are not necessarily dependent on other people: I have hobbies, interests, a career that I'm working towards and other things that make me happy. Could you maybe make a list of things that bring you joy? For me, I think of how I enjoy listening to music, being with my pets, reading a good book or watching a funny TV show - fairly simple things that bring me joy and contentment.
So now while I still get thoughts of "if I was in a relationship I'd be happy" and thinking that that will solve all my problems, I try to remind myself that while yes that would be nice, I can't keep waiting for that to happen to be happy. I can find things in my life now that I enjoy to bring me happiness, and who knows, maybe I will meet like-minded people through these interests.
I know I haven't really given you much advice here but I just want to say you are definitely not alone in what you are feeling!
I hope your new job goes well!
Hi @Mint_Crane,
Thank you for opening up and sharing your story, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling at the moment. It's really difficult feeling isolated and lonely, and I want to let you know that you aren't alone in feeling this way - lots of people struggle with loneliness, self-doubt, and forming genuine connections with people.
I definitely understand that you'd feel frustrated when people say "Just be okay with being alone." Humans have an innate desire for connecting with other people, so it's not easy to suddenly change this feeling. Although, I think that it's also okay to find peace within yourself while both seeking genuine connection, as both can co-exist at the same time.
You mentioned some of the patterns that make it hard for you to form new relationships, such as putting too much pressure on yourself, and this self-awareness is a huge step. I think it might be helpful to take small steps, such as reaching out to an old friend without any pressure, or finding something to do that makes you happy, like a hobby or activities you genuinely like. I feel this can alleviate any stress you may have in regards to meeting new people, and can help you slowly and comfortably adjust into creating new friendships.
I'm happy to hear that you're starting a new full-time job tomorrow and that you're acknowledging the new opportunities you'll have in the future! ☺️ Although it may be overwhelming at first, you'd be able to meet new people in an organic way without it feeling too forced. You can start off with casual conversations, getting to know your new co-workers for a bit, and in the future, it can develop into deeper and more genuine conversations.
Also, your feelings are completely valid in regards to dating, it can feel impossible - the pressure, fear of rejection and the way people talk about it. But relationships don’t have to come from apps or forced interactions, they can grow from friendships, shared interests or even unexpected situations. And I want you to know that you aren't alone in this, a lot of people feel uncertain about dating, even those who seem confident on the surface.
Good luck on your first day tomorrow at your new job! I know you'll do great. Wishing you all the best, and remember to just take it one step at a time. 💛
Hey @Mint_Crane
I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling very isolated and lonely lately. Loneliness can be really difficult to experience, but it is something that most people will experience and you aren't alone in feeling this way.
From what you have shared, it sounds like you are prioritising friendships with people that are genuine and likeminded. It can be really important to surround yourself with people who are good, supportive and share similar values to you. Prioritising quality friendships over quantity really speaks to who you are as a person, and even if it doesn’t feel like it now you will find these friends. I wanted to share some really great resources and articles around friendships that you can have a read through. There are articles about making friends, friendship troubles and changing friendships.
I was wondering if you have any hobbies where you might be able to connect with more people that share similar interests to you? For example, a local sporting team, book club, trivia night, or art class. And if not, is there anything you may be interested in trying?
I can also hear how tough experiencing loneliness has been for you. I wanted to share some resources around loneliness that we have which I thought you may find helpful. We have a collection of resources and articles on our website here, and we also have a post about loneliness here.
I was wondering if you have any supports in your life that you have been able to talk to about how you have been feeling? Whether it be a family member, GP or mental health professional?
I also know that you mentioned that when you try and use dating apps you have a panic attack which I am sorry to hear. Do you have any strategies for managing these panic attacks?
All the best with your first day at your new job tomorrow! I hope it all goes well for you ☺️
