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Struggling with people pleasing

hi everyone, just here to rant.

 

im tired of feeling like i give too much to my friends and i bend over backwards for them. i know they love and care for me and they're good people, but im tired of always trying to fix things for them even though doing so is in my nature and if they come to me with a problem i always want to be there for and help them. i feel like i don't even have the right to complain because i've brought this on myself trying to "people please" all the time. i'm tired of always being the centre ground for arguments between friends and im tired of being the one to pass messages to the other. i know it's so selfish to wish for everyone to just get along but im so tired of being the referee between my friends whenever they fight or argue or whatever it is. it's so draining and i dont know how long i can continue doing this for. i understand boundaries are important but i'm not good at saying no because i feel too bad 90% of the time. i've gotten better at it in the past few years but it's still difficult and taking its toll on my wellbeing. 

 

thanks for listening to my rant, and i hope you have a nice day 🙂

Sunset_Crab
Sunset_CrabPosted 10-09-2024 05:11 PM

Comments

 
keroppi
keroppiPosted 18-11-2024 01:25 AM

Hello, @Sunset_Crab !

 

im sorry you’ve been going through a really hard time. I resonate with your situation and feelings. As a people pleaser myself, I’ve learned how to try and create boundaries for myself. 

i tend to also bend backwards for my friends and new people I meet. One time, I wanted to so desperately make a friend in uni that when these girls invited me out for lunch, I made them muffins and they ended up never talking to me again. They left me on read when I texted them, saying how I hope they enjoyed the muffins and I never got a thank you. (I kinda laugh about that moment now lmao)

 

overtime, I’ve been cautious about who I give my energy to. It’s hard for me to say no as well, especially when it comes to my friends. 

I know how draining it is. I’m also the ‘mediator’ in my friend group and a lot of people tend to dump their problems onto me which can take a huge toll on you mentally. 

I want you to know that you’re not alone in this. I’m still on my own journey at creating boundaries for myself. But I’ve gotten so much better! (I used to be the kind of person who would literally listen to those people in shopping centres who’d promote their company or hand out brochures..obviously I didn’t want to stand there and listen to them but I was afraid to turn them down…but now I can say ‘no’ without feeling too bad.)

 

I also listen to this song called ‘not my problem!’ By Laila to help cope with the stress of people pleasing and it helps because other peoples problems shouldn’t be your own. 

I hope you’re doing so much better! We’re in this together🫂🩷

 
saltlamp24
saltlamp24Posted 08-11-2024 07:14 PM

Hi @Sunset_Crab 😊

Thank you so much for sharing this and for disclosing your personal experiences around people pleasing. It sounds like it has been quite frustrating and tricky to navigate through, especially in your friendships. I totally do not think it is selfish to want others to get along, and appreciate your honesty. Of course, you would feel that way considering it feels a bit tiring and draining. My own personal experiences have made me feel guilty to impose boundaries between myself and friends, so I totally understand how heavy this feeling can be. The usual advice, as you mentioned, would be to impose boundaries, but I do find it can be very tricky to do this. I have found myself trying to change or cutting down small things 🌸 

 

Such as; rather than being the middle man for all of your friends' arguments, I instead would try to find some instances, where you could say "I would prefer to stay out of this". Even though it's not a huge jump, you can slowly find moments where you can look after yourself. Perhaps eventually you may do this more frequently, and reach a point where you can balance putting yourself first & supporting your friends - to a level which feels authentic and in line with your values. 

I would also ask myself, "if I was in my friend's situation, would I always expect them to do the same for me?" I find this helps a bit with perspective taking and to lessen the potentially inflated level of guilt I would put on myself 🌿 

I hope this was helpful ~ it does also just highlight how much you value these friends and your big heart 💖 Most of all...

You (equally to your friends/ others) deserve fair and respectful friendships with those who consider your time, worth, and compassion

Take good care of yourself 😊 

 

 

 
Gemz
GemzPosted 16-09-2024 02:41 PM

It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of emotional weight from constantly trying to please others and mediate conflicts. It’s commendable that you care so much about your friends, but it’s also important to take care of yourself. It’s important to recognize that your feelings are valid. It’s not selfish to want a balance between giving and receiving. Your well-being matters, and it’s okay to prioritize your needs. 

Understanding why you feel compelled to please others and take on the role of mediator can help you address these patterns. Sometimes, these behaviors stem from a desire for approval or fear of conflict. 

Identify what you can and cannot handle in terms of helping others. Setting clear boundaries about what you’re willing to do can prevent you from overextending yourself. When you need to set a boundary, be honest and direct. You can say something like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I need to take a step back from mediating conflicts.” 

Practice Saying No 

Start Small: If saying no is difficult, start with small, manageable situations. Practice asserting yourself in low-stakes scenarios to build confidence. 

Use “I” Statements: When you need to decline something, frame it from your perspective to avoid sounding confrontational. For example, “I’m not able to help with that right now because I need to focus on my own well-being.” 

Prioritize activities that replenish your energy and bring you joy. Engaging in self-care can help you manage stress and maintain a healthier balance between your needs and those of others. 

Remember, it’s not selfish to want to take care of yourself and set boundaries. Everyone deserves to have healthy, balanced relationships where their needs are also considered. By practicing self-care and assertiveness, you can work towards a more fulfilling and less draining social life. 😊

 
Golden
GoldenPosted 14-09-2024 12:20 PM

Hey @Sunset_Crab

Thank you so much for sharing what you've going through. 

 

I can see that you've been having a tough time trying to set boundaries and feeling like you're bending over backwards trying to make others happy. It is completely valid to feel tired of playing this mediator role between friends. It's also great to see that you've realised how much of an impact this is having on your wellbeing and how you're trying to stop this from continuing! 

 

Setting boundaries can be incredibly hard, and it could be something that you may need to do lots and lots of times before it starts to feel comfortable. As many of the others have suggested, you can start by just letting your friends know that you are feeling tired or needing to focus on yourself at the moment. It is also perfectly acceptable to not provide any reasons at all! It sounds like you've been an amazing, supportive friend this whole time, so hopefully your friends can understand where you're coming from. 

 

Take care and please don't hesitate to reach out again if you're needing any support💛

 
Catlover101
Catlover101Posted 12-09-2024 02:30 PM

Hi @Sunset_Crab

Thank you for reaching out. I have really struggled with this too and prioritising others needs over my own. For me it was almost linked to a lack of self esteem because I thought if I wasn't helpful to others and fulfilling their needs they wouldn't like me anymore. (Turned out not to be the case lol)

I am not sure if that plays a role into your people pleasing behaviours but if it does, let me be the one to tell you that shouldn't be the case. You are not a tool for your friends to use, it should be a mutual relationship with respected boundaries.

I know its really hard to set boundaries with them especially when they weren't there before. But it is obviously really draining your mental energy so I think it is really important to slowly set them up. Maybe next time someone asks something of you that you don't want to do try and redirect them to someone else or just let them know you have a lot of your own things to deal with and suggest for them to speak to whoever it is directly.

You have the right to complain and you have the right to change! Its so hard but for the longevity of your wellbeing and relationships with others it is really important to nip these things in the bud. You can be a supportive friend, give advice when you want and help when you want, but when its too much try and redirect them to other options. (I find that a bit easier then just saying no)


 
Lapis_Anteater
Lapis_AnteaterPosted 12-09-2024 01:59 PM

Hey @Sunset_Crab

 

That sounds like a difficult position to be in. It’s understandable that you’re tired of trying to fix other people’s problems. Do you think your friends would be receptive to you communicating how you feel? You’re allowed to feel guilty about saying no, that doesn’t mean that saying no is the wrong thing to do. People will still like you even if you say no to them. You have to prioritise your wellbeing, otherwise you’ll burn yourself out or you’ll end up resenting your friends. You sound like a really caring person, you just need to care more about yourself.  

 
appletree
appletreePosted 11-09-2024 08:36 PM

Hey @Sunset_Crab ! I completely understand - it is so challenging to navigate situations like this. I am sorry that you have felt this burden for so long!! I too have been trying to work on my people-pleasing tendancies. Here are some things that have helped me: 

 

1. Being prepared to sit in discomfort - Saying no for the first few (maybe even many) times will feel super super uncomfortable. It is okay to feel discomfort and to just let it exist. It will pass and things will be okay. 

 

2. Avoid over explaining - Practice saying no to something and give absolutely no explanation. At first it will feel weird and scary. Remember that you don't owe anyone an explantion for having boundaries. After a while this starts feeling more normal and you begin to learn that other people don't always need to know your reasons - and often they are a whole lot less interested in your reasons that you think anyway. 

 

These things have helped me to feel a lot less of the guilt associated with people pleasing. Let me know if any of them help you, or if you have any other strategies that work for you! You've got this! 💜

 
ilovechai
ilovechaiPosted 10-09-2024 10:48 PM

Hey @Sunset_Crab

Thank you so much for sharing what you’re experiencing right now. I resonated with your thoughts and feelings a lot, and want to let you know, first of all, that you are such a kind and empathetic friend ❤️

Feeling tired of having to mediate between your friends is so so so fair! I see that you’ve been putting up with all of this for a while, and I’m so sorry you’ve experienced it for so long. Although doing certain things to make sure others around us are satisfied can feel so rewarding and necessary, I think doing these things too much really does add so much stress on our mental well-being.

Since you’ve been doing it for so long, the idea of removing yourself as the mediator between your friends can feel upsetting and uncomfortable. Especially since it feels like you’re the only one that can keep everyone happy, this responsibility can make people pleasers put less time and energy on themselves and direct it towards others instead.

But I think it’s so so so important for you to give that time and energy back to yourself 🥺 It sounds like you’re self-aware of how this situation is negatively affecting your well-being, and that’s an amazing first step! As you mentioned, affirming your boundaries is super important here, but I completely understand how hard it is to actually declare them and say no. The uncomfortable reality is that without expressing these boundaries, others might not ever know that they’re crossing them. Yes, your friends might feel hurt or upset, but as long as you communicate with them kindly, honestly and clearly, I’m sure they would understand. Express your boundaries with the intention of being compassionate to yourself – it’s truly an act of self-love! And if they don’t respond how you’d like them to, it’s not your fault.

Remember that you are not responsible for how others are feeling. You deserve to protect your own well-being as well!

 

And of course, as the others mentioned, try to make extra effort to practice self-care during this time 🥰🥰 Take care and be kind to yourself!

 
Scarlet_Locust
Scarlet_LocustPosted 10-09-2024 06:17 PM

Hey @Sunset_Crab ,

 

Thanks for sharing this, your words really resonated with me a lot 💗. It sounds like you've been dealing with mediating lots of different conflicts lately, and I know from experience just how emotionally exhausting this can be. I think it's absolutely understandable that you would be feeling this way too. I'd like to gently let you know that you have in no way brought this upon yourself by 'people pleasing'. Your kindness and generosity to others is not at all something you should feel ashamed of.

 

I really relate to what you've mentioned about just how difficult it can be to say no and set boundaries, especially with people you care about. Something that i've found really helpful in the past is to actually send a message instead of communicating in person (where possible). I've sent messages to friends before where i've communicated to them that I really value their friendship, and I really care for them, but that I feel I need to set a certain boundary for my own wellbeing. I find it's so much easier to navigate awkward or uncomfortable conversations if I can actually take time to make sure i'm saying everything I need to say. It's definitely a skill that takes a bit of practice, but it's absolutely possible for you to still extend kindness to people whilst also setting boundaries to protect yourself. 

 

I really like @LilacLeopard14 's point about this being a lovely moment for you to prioritise your own wellbeing and self-care. You deserve to be looked after, you deserve to have your feelings validated, and you deserve to be cared for too.

 

Thinking of you and sending lots of care your way 💗

 
 
Sunset_Crab
Sunset_CrabPosted 10-09-2024 06:22 PM

Thank you so much for your responses @LilacLeopard14 and @Scarlet_Locust they helped me to feel a bit more confident in putting myself first. i hope i will be able to further work on setting boundaries and prioritising myself like you've said. ❤️

 
LilacLeopard14
LilacLeopard14Posted 10-09-2024 06:00 PM

Hi @Sunset_Crab 🧡

 

It seems like being a ‘people pleaser’ and trying to help your friends all get along is taking a bit of a toll. I understand that it may be extremely hard to set boundaries out of fear you are being mean, but it is a super important skill to develop. I also use to struggle with people pleasing of sorts (and still occasionally do), but even if I come across as mean or selfish, putting myself first has been so much better for my well-being. I am so proud of you for getting better at practising this and totally believe in you setting boundaries  moving ahead! 

I think communication is key to setting boundaries. But that being said, you also don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. I love the saying “no is a complete sentence” because it is true. I feel so bad if I don’t have a ‘good enough’ reason to put myself first, when really, we don’t need a reason. The fact that it is starting to affect your wellbeing is a really important point, and maybe mentioning this to your friends could start a conversation around what your boundaries are. 

It’s amazing that you want to be such a caring friend and help them, but it isn’t your responsibility to make everyone get along. Resources are available for your friends (e.g school counsellor, teachers, psychologists, support services like here at ReachOut) so it shouldn’t be your job to be their mediator. 

I think you deserve to do something nice for yourself and prioritise self care during this time to take care of YOU. sending love 🫶🏻 ☺️

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