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TW: I don't like my friends

I don't even care if nobody sees this. In fact, I'd prefer it because I'm probably going to sound like a crazy asshole, but I don't care I just have to write this down and vent.

 

I don't like my friends. I love them, but I don't think they're great people. And I'm just so sick of them.

Individually speaking, they're amazing. I admire and respect a great deal of what they do and who they are and they constantly amaze me with what they can overcome. But something happens when they come together as a group. They become complete assholes.

 

I'm in a long-term relationship (1.5 yrs) with my boyf whos 20.  I'm 19. We live together with another couple who I met in high school and then moved out together with last year. It's a complicated situation as to how we got here and met each other, but I don't want to go through everything right now.

 

I'm in a friendship group that's mostly just boys. apart from 4~ girls that are permanently around, we have 7 boys. Now, I'd like to think I know these guys, and girls. I've had plenty of D&M conversations with each of them, and on many occasions I've been able to count on them. But in recent months I've noticed their shitty behaviour and I cannot handle it any longer

Many guys in the group consistently say or text/msg the N word for laughs. Racist jokes too.

They make sexist jokes, do stupid and reckless things to do with drugs/cars, and are generally not very nice to be around.

I feel awful for having let this go on for so long, especially the N-word stuff. I am hugely committed to anti-racism and inclusivity and I'm currently doing a community services diploma as well. I used to think that if I heard stuff like this, stuff like the things they say and do, I wouldn't let it slide. Think; the giant political speech that brings all the racist sexists assholes to their knees. But I'm not that person. I feel so ashamed.

But I wonder what good it would even do if I did say something. I'd probably just be dismissed as some uptight, nasty bitch. I already have been in the past.

 

Since we live in a house with no parents, we've sort have become the 'party house'. we've had coke in the bathroom, cones and cigarettes smoked inside. It's pretty easy for people to feel comfortable dropping by unannounced and not get told off. On top of this, the house is never clean . At least, never for long. UberEats bags are a constant fixture in the living room. Food scraps, drugs, even personal belongings are left behind and just expected to be taken care of and held on to until the owner graciously comes back (if they ever do!!) The messiness is in part also the consequence of my two roommate's lazy attitude towards cleaning. I often find teacups with mouldy teabags and chunky liquid in them. Dozens at a time. I used to clean this stuff up, but recently I've gone on a indefinite strike.

 

All of this to say that I feel completely and utterly intrenched in a friend group that has barely more than surface level compassion for the people around them. I have a dozen stories and evidence of just.... awful behaviour from certain members of the group. But when they come together they are like a wolf pack. A shitty wolf pack with pathetic men and women enablers. I hate myself. 

lavender-girlfriend
lavender-girlfriendPosted 22-08-2022 09:27 PM

Comments

 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 22-08-2022 11:03 PM

Hi @lavender-girlfriend 

 

Thank you for sharing this with us. Living with your friends sounds like a really tricky situation. I can totally understand why all the mess is getting on your nerves. It sucks that you are having to clean up after everyone. That would get so tiring, especially with random people coming in and out too. Everyone has a different way of living and it can be difficult to manage all of those expectations, especially when living with friends. Is there anything that you have tried to improve the situation?

 

You're so right that friends can behave differently once in a group with other people which can be really frustrating to say the least. Your concerns about speaking up about racism and sexism are valid. I have also felt ashamed for not always standing up when I feel like I should have. It is not possible to be perfect but it can allow you to reflect on how you could go about the situation, especially if you think others will react defensively. I know that because I am passionate about being anti-racist, I have had to learn how to manage my own emotions when calling people out or in. It can also help to talk to that person separately (rather than within a group setting) and focus on how their statements made you feel. There are some others tips here and here that you might also find helpful. 

 

You've got a lot on your plate and it sounds like you are just trying to do the right thing by everyone. I can hear that it is having an impact on you and that you are casting a lot of judgement towards yourself. Is there anyone who supports you? Do you do anything for yourself that makes you feel good? 

 

Just so you know, I included a TW in your post just to make the community aware that there may be topics in your post that are triggering.

 
 
lavender-girlfriend
lavender-girlfriendPosted 23-08-2022 11:40 AM

Hey!

 

Thanks for replying. All of the stuff you said makes me feel a lot better. I guess half my problems could feel a lot lighter if people just acknowledged how tough it is!

I didn't mention this in the post but I do have people who I can lean on! A small social network, but it's good and reliable. My boyfriend and my dad are both great listeners and are good to chat with. But I sometimes feel like a burden to my boyfriend. Because we live together he has to hear my angry rants all the time!! I feel terrible that I'm not helping him enough, or that I'm too negative. So that's why I came here. 

 

For now, I'm just focusing on finding a new therapist and doing my Tafe work. I'm trying t distance myself from these people and find new things to occupy myself with. Trying to wake up earlier, feed myself and my boyfriend better, be a better listener and just reach for help in other areas of my life. I'm trying to remind myself it's not like I'm abandoning the group, I'm just trying to find things that make me feel good.

 

The roommate stuff I've tried really really hard to resolve!!! I've had talks with them and remained open to critism but nothing seems to change. I think they may have symptoms to keep them from having object permanence, which might explain the multitudes of mouldy teacups, but it's all so gross and I can't understand how anyone is okay with living like this sometimes!! Avos, half-finished meals, multitudes of dirty dishes and used cookware left out for days, sometimes weeks! I mean, c'mon!!! 😔

 

My two roommates work full-time, labour-intense jobs and they often come home tired. And I understand this. But this is used as an excuse for a completely unhygienic lifestyle that impacts their roommates, and it's just not good enough. Every time I've brought it up in the past it's dismissed. So I've decided to control just my own space (my shared bedroom with my boyfriend and our bathroom) and that's all I can do for now! If they don't see it now, perhaps they never will. But I can't change their minds for them. 

(I wish I was petty enough to share pictures of the states in which they've left our shared living areas, but I feel that might go too far. I can't wait for them to move out and have kids!! 😂 HAHAHAAHAH!!!!)

 

I'll try to talk to people about racism and sexism and stuff one-on-one in the future, but I doubt it'll go anywhere. I don't think they actually believe in the things they say, but I know that words spoken often can make a difference in someone's real beliefs, and I don't want that to happen to my friend group. For now, I'm just tired.

 

TW is fine! 

Thanks for listening! I'll be using this website and possibly blogging privately somewhere else as a way to vent from now on. It really makes me feel better.

 

 
 
 
Portia_RO
Portia_ROPosted 23-08-2022 03:42 PM

Hey @lavender-girlfriend, I'm glad to hear that a bit of acknowledgement has made you feel better. I live out of home too and it can be really frustrating when people treat your house as 'party central' and don't show it the same respect they would if you lived with a parent.

 

It sounds like you're focusing on making some really healthy changes for you and your boyfriend, and you're totally right - looking after yourself and exploring new options doesn't mean you're abandoning the group. 

 

Your living situation does sound pretty difficult to deal with - some people can be messy, for sure, but poor hygiene can be really tough to put up with. I definitely feel for you because it sounds like you take a lot of pride in your space and that that isn't being mirrored or respected by the people you live with. Have you tried any strategies for setting up expectations around the cleaning, like a set of house rules or a chores roster? It might sound a bit silly, but sitting down with your roommates and writing down your shared expectations of each other can sometimes be really helpful (and it gives you something to refer back to if nothing changes and you want to discuss it again). If you're up for a bit of reading, here's an article on managing difficult roommates. 

 

I can definitely understand your fatigue in all of this, especially with the racist and sexist comments. It can be exhausting hearing people talk or text like that and feeling like they won't listen to you if you do call them out on it. I think a 1-on-1 approach sounds great when you're feeling up to it - often people aren't so 'bold' in what they say when they're on their own. With that being said, I hope you recognise what a good job you're doing by noticing these things and trying to work out how to have a productive conversation about them - talking to mates about racism and sexism can be really hard! Make sure you fill up your own cup and take some time for you if you're finding these conversations frustrating and tiring 💪

 

Sending good thoughts and vibes your way @lavender-girlfriend, we're always here if you need a vent 🥰

 
 
 
 
lavender-girlfriend
lavender-girlfriendPosted 23-08-2022 03:59 PM

Ahhh thank you so much!! Also a big thank you for all the links you guys have been sending me! I really really appreciate it.

 

The house stuff really gets to me sometimes. You hit the nail on the head with the whole parent thing. I have talked to my dad about this in the past. If someone's parent/guardian lived with us, they wouldn't DARE leave half the stuff they do here. And the house would be tons quieter. But I'm tired of being treated like the enemy, or being completely ignored. I have decided not to put any energy into it anymore, and just try to find my own quiet place to rest.

 

It seems like every day there's a new issue/argument that causes tension so I just feel like completely checking out and not focusing on it. I did get out of the house today! Went to the library, got some groceries, and then came home and took my dogs for a walk. Feeling pretty okay!

 

I have actually suggested exactly what you did, the chore schedule! Completely shut down. The roommate said (rough quote) "when I was given chore lists to do as a kid, they made me want to do them even less.". This is true, even for me, but we're not kids anymore!!! Arghhh it's just so frustrating the twists and turns they manage to do to avoid responsibilities!!!

 

So yeah, there's not a lot of power balance right now, but that's okay because these two roommates should be moving out soon. At least by the start of next year, I hope. Then they can live in squalor together!

 

For now, I think I'll just continue blogging and using those links you sent me.

I'm a problem solver but I'm just so burnt out. It feels like I don't really have anything more to give.

 

As with the racist and sexist stuff, I think I will have to bide my time on that, then maybe get the main offenders alone and express to them how uncomfortable it makes me feel. 

 

Again, thanks so much for the replies. This kind of patient compassion is exactly what I needed and it makes me feel a bit stronger!

 
 
 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 23-08-2022 09:48 PM

I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much with your roommates right now @lavender-girlfriend I think its completely understandable why the house stuff might get to you though, I can only imagine how hurtful it would be to be treated like the enemy in your own home. I was in a similar position once and know it can be really hard to live in a house where everyday there seems to be a new issue or argument. I also want to say well done on getting out of the house! While it may not seem like much, getting out and walking the dog can be a great way to escape all the stress at home and give you a bit of peace and quiet.

I found this really great article on Coping which talks about things you can do to help you get through difficult situations, I wonder if it might give you some ideas on other things you can do. You mentioned that you have spoken to your dad about this before, did he have any suggestions that might be able to help?

I'm also sorry to hear that they weren't open to the idea of a chore schedule though, I just want to say that it was really brave of you to bring that up to them. If you were wanting to talk to them, we have an article with some great tips that might be worth having a look at here.

As you mentioned that these roommates will be moving out soon, I am just wondering what kind of things you can do to help you get through these next fewr months? Is there something nice you can do for yourself that helps you feel better after a hard day?

I also just want to remind you that you're not alone and we're all here for you 💜

 
lavender-girlfriend
lavender-girlfriendPosted 22-08-2022 09:30 PM

To anyone whos reading this; this is half of the story. Not even. I am aware that I've seriously fucked up in the past and that I'm an asshole too. A lot of the time. I just needed to vent about certain things.

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