TW - My Past Relationship
Hey, guys.
Some of you may have seen my last post, I was in a bad state when I made that but now that I'm feeling better I plan to do a very heavy post about my experience with my first partner.
I am a AFAB (identifying as female) Queer AuDHD teenager. I've always explored myself and that has left me very exposed online and in real life,
I have done other stuff like exploring my sexuality with boys online just stuff like that.
In late 2024 I reunited with an old crush of mine and we began to see eachother, I was 14 at the time. I had gone through alot the past few years like a few family death scares and a personal suicide attempt but I decided that having a partner would be nice. My partner, who is a male a few months younger than me, was obviously emotionally immature but we loved eachother very much. We had a lot of conversations with our parents and we decided to have sex for the first time after dating eachother for a few weeks (looking back it was quite soon), but we continued to love eachother very very much and we were happy. My boyfriend lived in the main town next to my own empty retirement town so he was my only direct ticket into socialising. I was a kid back then and I still am now, I was nervous and going through a lot, we had sleepovers but he would always pressure me to sleeping at his place even though I told him I felt uncomfortable around his family. He would also have something that my mum called 'sex tantrums' where when I would turn him down for anything he would get upset and talk about how I barely want to do anything physical. My mum and I believe I have a deformed uterus, like her and some other family members, which causes pain problems during sex. I tried to make that clear to my boyfriend but he did not seem to understand.
My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue during a stressful time of my life. I was going through a depression and I was focusing on getting my local Christmas plays done. He did not give a reason for breaking up with me, just requested we remained friends. I went through a lot the next few days, begging, crying, being angry. During the next week I was a mix between angry and sad but hanging out with my online friends helped (even though an older boy among them took advantage of me, but thats another story for another time). My boyfriend did kind of end up telling me why he broke up with me, I wasn't the same apparently, not putting as much effort as he did in his eyes, I was very upset at that, not only was I depressed but I was trying to focus on my career and trying to process my sister moving out.
Safe to say I did not remain friends with him, maybe in a few years but looking back out our relationship he honestly took advantage of me sometimes and emotionally manipulated me, I'm not sure if it was intentional but it was still not okay. I am the happiest I have ever been in 6 years, but I am still going through massive mood swing episodes.
My boyfriends friends also made me feel, extremely unsafe.
They all found it funny, which is weird but if they all consented in the end who am I to object? His friend would also objectify women, using his past girlfriend as nothing but something to have sex with before they eventually broke up.
My boyfriend and his friends were and are probably heavily involved with drugs, like vapes, smokes, weed, acid and other substances. Due to them, I tried vaping and weed but I did not like it. I always stopped my boyfriend from doing any sort of stuff like that but now that he broke up with me I believe he's starting to get back into it.
There's other stuff to say about him, like how he went to my mum's work during her shift to talk to her, that was a bit of a nothing burger though. Just thought I might as well share my first relationship experience as a teenager and see what you guys think.
Comments
Hi pigeonwaffles
It's so nice that you've taken a reflective approach to this, and admirable that you have the strength to retain a clear perspective after these intense emotions and experiences. As for what I think: I'm fortunate to avoid relationship stresses as a teen but at the same time it's been quite boring. Although I've heard from those I know in teen relationships that they do seem to involve more, as you've noted about your ex-partner, emotional immaturity. I understand it was a happy and exciting time early in the relationship, and I'm glad you got to experience that. As Marimo has said though, the pressure he later put on you to have sex is not okay, especially when you've made it clear that it makes you uncomfortable. It's probably cliche to say but things like that, and the drugs, the friends' sleepover activities, and breaking up with you while you weren't in a good place do seem like 🚩🚩. So as for my personal thoughts, I feel relieved to see that you're no longer in what could've been an unhealthy relationship.
Having said that, emotional maturity like caring for others in tough times and not doing drugs might come as people grow up/ get older, and I really respect how you stopped him from doing the heavy substances stuff while you were together. While it seems he may be falling back to those habits, it's not like he'll forget how you influenced him to stop, so it seems to me that you've done more than enough to provide some positive influence for him that may have some nice long-term implications.
It's normal and very understandable that you felt sad and angry. I hope you're feeling better soon, and that you can find more people to connect with online or in real life. It's really good that you have online friends and family that you can talk to, and feel free to continue chatting here with us as well. ❤️
Hey, I'm feeling just fine. Unfortunately most of my experiences with men have been overall gross and uncomfortable. I'm happy now that I'm free of my partners guilting and constant clinginess. I'm happy having my family here with me.
thanks for replying ~
Glad to hear that you feel ok and happier now. Quite unfortunate that your experiences with men have been so unpleasant. The world's much bigger than it seems, and in the future you will very likely have better experiences with men and meet more friends and people with similar interests who you'll just click with.
Having just graduated school last year, I finally have the time to explore my city properly and apply for jobs etc. I'm shocked at how many new friends and new people I've met in just a few months, now that I'm out of my childhood bubble. It may seem a bit meh for now, but things will get better
Just having a look at your other posts/ replies, I've gathered there might be limited opportunities for you to meet new people and socialise in real life where you're located - is that right? and you may be losing touch with some online friends (?) If you'd like some people to socialise online with, feel free to make a few more posts here or in other spaces on this forum. I'm always up for a chat about random things, I like to yap a lot these days - as you can see. Also, there's no pressure to reply, I'm just adding a few cents here from my experience and I hope it helps ❤️
Welcome back to the ReachOut Youth Community. Thank you for your courage in sharing such a personal experience. I can see that a lot has happened for you in your life so far. Despite this, I can see how much you have reflected upon your past relationship and have been able to identify toxic patterns of behaviour such as your ex-boyfriend trying to pressure you into sex. I want to let you know that this is never okay and that I'm proud of you for opening up to your mum about this. It is incredibly heartwarming to see the strong and supportive relationship you have with your mum.
I can see that you care deeply for others even looking out for your ex-boyfriend's health. I also want to acknowledge the strength and resilience you have shown in separating yourself from him and giving yourself time and space to process such a challenging experience. I'm glad to see that you were able to reach out to some online friends during the overwhelming part of your life where you were juggling multiple demands.
Going through and recalling such complex relationship dynamics can make anyone exhausted and I'm wondering if there's anything you feel able to do this evening to look after yourself?
If you're looking for some tips on self-care, we have a page of resources that may be helpful to you. Here's one on how to be awesome at self-care.
I'm also wondering if you've had a chance to talk to a mental health professional about what has happened for you? You've mentioned that you are AuDHD, are you currently in contact with your treating mental health clinician?
If you're seeking one-on-one support, Kids Helpline offers 24/7 counselling support over the phone or via webchat. Likewise, Beyond Blue also offers 24/7 counselling support over the phone or online.
I want to thank you again for your courage in opening up about your experiences. I hope that by sharing your story here in the community, you will find the support you seek!
We will also be sending you an email so please keep an eye out for it!
I have a personal licensed psychiatrist that I have seen for a few years now. I mentioned in my reply on email that I have a bit of a hatred for most mental health professionals, and that is the same with my current doctor/therapist. But she's helped me a lot, she was the one who diagnosed me with ADHD and rediagnosed with with Level 2 ASD rather than Level 1 (it was still called asperger's when I was first diagnosed by a different therapist). My mum's going through a lot right so it's harder to lean on her but I'm trying. And there's a lot of pressure on me from my father which I mentioned in my last post... that we have a strained relationship. Thank you for your comment.
Hey @pigeonwaffles thanks for your reply to our email and on here. It sounds like your relationship with your psychiatrist is complicated, because she has helped you but is also a mental health professional. I can hear that your mum has a lot going on at the moment but it sounds like she's a big support for you, which is great to hear. The community is here for you and there's always services like Kids Helpline as well
