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What does 'put yourself out there' really mean?

Hi,

 

I made a post here previously and found the responses pretty helpful so I thought I might make another 🙂

 

I've just got a question about 'putting yourself out there'. A lot of people default to this bit of advice when talking to someone who's feeling disconnected, lonely, unfulfilled, looking to get into dating etc. I'm pretty much a little bit of all of that atm (mainly looking to get into dating), but I'm not super clear as to what 'put yourself out there' actually means. Like, what does it entail? How do you choose what to do? Should you do things for the sake of meeting people, or for the activity itself? I ask that last question bc I wonder if focusing on meeting people ends up having a sort of self-sabotaging effect.

 

I'd also like to ask about the anxiety aspect of putting yourself out there. I've got pretty bad anxiety, and social anxiety, so I find I will procrastinate planning new things to do out of fear of actually having to do them. I also find that I'll be avoidant while at events, like for example when at a bar w/ mates I'll avoid doing anything that makes me feel anxiety too heavily (eg. talking to new people). So any tips for getting through that as it's a pretty big blocker for me atm and really slows things down? 

 

Also just for context, I'm 22 years old and am a guy. I recently graduated uni so I'm in a sort of 'gap year' until I start a new job next year. I'm not normally super reclusive, I did have a large period of isolation this year due to depression but I'm kinda back on track in terms of getting out, so I do often find myself doing things (like work, tennis, going out w/ mates). However, I'm starting to feel like I need to branch out as I reckon I'm just sticking with what I feel comfortable doing, and as I said before, I'm looking to start dating and have like no idea how to go about it. I also feel unsatisfied with friendships in my life rn and I feel like I wanna move towards others, but knowing the way I operate I'm worried I'm just gonna end up alone. Finally, I am actively seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping that social anxiety will improve over time as a result. Nonetheless, I'd still love some tips/advice/anecdotes.

 

Thanks so much, hope everyone's doing great you're all awesome 🙏

 

 

Mint_Crane
Mint_CranePosted 07-10-2024 07:00 PM

Comments

 
Green_Ghost
Green_GhostPosted 09-10-2024 01:18 PM

Hi @Mint_Crane

 

"Putting yourself out there" is very subjective, at least in my opinion. Dating can come about in many diffferent ways.

 

If you're looking to meet people organically, going out to do activities is a good way. You don't have to go out and do activities just for the purpose of meeting people. You could consider meeting someone an added bonus, if you feel that would be less self-sabotage-y, but pick activities you want to do and go out to do them for sure if that's something you're interested in. That way you'll meet people who have similar interests to you.

 

I also get anxious talking to new people. When I set out to start dating a few years ago, I chose to download dating apps. I know they're not everyone's cup of tea, but they seem to work well for people who are socially anxious. You can still pick someone who shares your interests, and you can build a bit of a raport with them before you meet in person.

 
Infinity
InfinityPosted 07-10-2024 09:14 PM

Hey @Mint_Crane

 

From what I feel, even if we are in a relationships at times, we need some time alone for ourselves. I think trying the activities you think are fun or something challenging can be good if you are up for it. 

More than meeting new people, isn't it more about keeping in touch with them? Having some good quality time.

 

I can feel you, sometimes I challenge myself a lot and then end up cancelling those plans too. I learned that I should do one step at a time and not expect too much from me. The key is in the Baby steps.

 

I get lots of idea when asked for it, if you feel you can't talk to a person, maybe first start with smiling at them or waving or just some compliments. Even, I want to try, telling one stranger daily that they look good.

 

Wow, Congratulations🎉 for the big achievement of completing the uni.

For Dating, my recommendation is to find people who are geniuely interested in you. When you talk to them you feel comfortable being yourself. 

 

Feel free to ask more questions if you have, I would be happy to answer them

 

Take care,

You got this😌

 
Plum_Polar_Bear
Plum_Polar_BearPosted 07-10-2024 07:57 PM

Hi @Mint_Crane

There is no proper definition of "putting yourself out there," in my opinion. I was told this all through my life as well, and I find it hardest when I am in a life transition phase, such as between work or university or after being away, so I totally understand that it is hard to find your footing during this time for you. 

My advice would be to place yourself in areas that interest you where other people also interested in these areas would be. Let me break this down. You say you enjoy tennis, so maybe find a social tennis event and sign up. This allows you to do an activity you are comfortable doing and enjoy and also meet others who feel the same. This could help spike a conversation as there is a mutual topic (tennis) that you could touch on with new people. This can still be anxiety-provoking, but it could also help you feel comfortable in the situation first and then step out of your comfort zone once you are ready. Another great example (which you haven't mentioned) is something like a book club; some parks do morning yoga or a running club, which could help you meet people. This hopefully answers your questions of "Should you do things for the sake of meeting people or for the activity itself?" and allows you to do activities you enjoy and maybe meet others along the way. 

Hope this helps and good luck with your new job!

 
LilacLeopard14
LilacLeopard14Posted 07-10-2024 07:38 PM

Hey @Mint_Crane💙

 

I am so glad to hear that you find ReachOut helpful, that's awesome! I also want to commend you seeing a therapist to help you with your social anxiety, it's a big step you should be proud of yourself.

 

I also struggle with the concept of 'put yourself out there' so you are definitely not alone. It can be so nerve wracking to do things with the sole purpose of meeting new people. As frustrating as it may sound, I think 'putting yourself out there' means whatever you feel somewhat comfortable doing to form connections. I say somewhat because we need to be uncomfortable to push ourselves out of our comfort zone, but that also shouldn’t come at the cost of our mental health. There's no 'right' way to meet new people or make relationships, so might even look like a lot of trial and error - finding what works best for you.

I find in todays digital world, I really like meeting people/talking to new people over message (social media or dating apps etc.) which can take some of the pressure off of forming connections. Also, I find that connections are formed quicker with people I have things in common with - for example, maybe you could try to meet people who also like tennis? or also study what you studied at uni? 

Overall, 'putting yourself out there' will get easier over time by working what it looks like to you. I believe in you, you've got this! 

sending love 🫶🏻

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