Autistic meltdown help

Warning: rant/stream of consciousness thoughts/me being whingey and horrible and self entitled/swearing/argument with parents.

I feel SO guilty for taking yesterday off study but I had to in order to recharge from valedictory dinner the night before but today I just feel more stressed because I’LL NEVER GET THAT DAY BACK and now I have NO EXCUSE NOT TO STUDY I mean I WANT TO I REALLY DO it’s just the first thing I gotta do is a language analysis I annotated in class which I’m SO WORRIED about because last class my teacher was like ‘pick up the nuances if you want to do well’ and I’m just like WHAT nuances? WHAT tone?! Language analyses are SO AMBIGUOS you can’t tell tone or implications straightaway cos everyone reads differently and it’s less obvious compared to it being read aloud or it being visually shown like theatre and I know I’m overreacting its just I want to get it over and done with but I KNOW I’m not in right headspace to do it and that’s gonna delay it more AND I’M SICK OF WAITING/BEING COMPLACENT!!!!!!!!!

My parents keep telling me ‘oh you will NEVER be complacent’ BUT I CAN BE!!! PROCRASTINATION EXISTS PEOPLE! SOMETIMES I FEEL TOO CONFIDENT WITH SOMETHING AND NOT TRY HARD ENOUGH OR NOT GET MY BEST!!!!! AND I KNOW DEAREST MUM AND DAD THAT BECAUSE I GOT AN EARLY UNI OFFER THE OTHER DAY THAT SHOULD TAKE SOME PRESSURE OFF BUT WHAT IF IT TAKES TOO MUCH AND I DON’T BOTHER TO STUDY WHY DON’T PEOPLE SEE THIS AS A BIG RISK AAAAAAAAAAAA

Sorry sorry I’m just REALLY mad at my parents because when I told them why I’m worried they (as I feared) were like ‘you don’t need to be the teacher said on Friday you’ll be fine just look at a past language analysis you did’ BUT MY PAST ONES SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! And I HATE being told I’m fine and will do well. I know they don’t mean to but it feels like they’re dismissing my feelings. I told them this but they were like ‘DID I FUCKING SAY THAT NO I DIDN’T HOW DARE U MAKE ASSUMPTIONS I AM TRYING TO HELP U WE’VE GOT A SOLUTION WHY ARE YOU LOSING CONTROL!?!’ So we start yelling, I try to say ‘wait we’re not in right headspace to sort this out let’s take a step back and wait till we’re calm’ but they REFUSED to and kept scolding me for inadvertly raising my voice. Ok fine I shouldn’t have raised my voice BUT I DO THAT WITHOUT THINKING WHEN FLUSTERED! So finally they were like FUCK U ACID WE’LL STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY TODAY and slammed the door. So I have full blown tears and I AGAIN get asked WHY ARE YOU STILL UPSET?!! Like WASN’T THE ARGUMENT ENOUGH PROOF!?

Grrrrrrrr I HATE it when people get mad at me for being overly emotional and irritable when stressed! I CAN’T HELP IT!!! I know I should try to (and I’ve been trying to meditate and exercise over the last hour to calm down with no luck) BUT ITS SO HARD!!!!

I thought I’d never feel this way again. I really wanna just draw and watch tv but I can’t. It’s exam season so those are off limits. Above all, I have to study.

I should’ve never taken that day off. Even though this week’s been a celebration of me being a young adult I know emotionally I will always be that 5 year old insecure pussy I can’t escape no matter how hard I try.

Crap even after writing this I STILL feel angry and teary.

Sorry if that sounded so over the top. But it’s been instilled in me the way I think and feel is too over the top.