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I'm the problem

TW +sorry this is long I'm just rambling


It's me. It's always me. I used to like to think I wasn't the problem but the only common denominator in all the bad things that have happened in my life is me. I don't understand why I am like this. Idk where to even start. 

For Christmas this year I was really looking forward to having a few drinks and just enjoying time with my family now that I'm older. I went to my family's Christmas with my partner (this is our 3rd Christmas together) and we had a good time. We live together and before we left I asked him if he would be getting super drunk this year. He said yes but not enough that he wouldn't be able to look after me so that I can get drunk too. Anyways Christmas at my family's house was fine. In fact I was actually having a really good time surprisingly and didn't even want to leave but I did so we could go to his family's Christmas. He was already getting a bit drunk but I had only have 2 drinks. Once we got to his family Christmas he wouldn't not stop drinking to the point he was annoying and falling over. (It's Christmas so I understand but he does this all the time so I really hoped he would keep it under control for once) As the night went on and everyone left he said he was going to his friend who lived across the roads house so I had to stay with his mum and wait for him. Eventually after a few hours, we went over there because they are all family friends. When we got there he was even worst than before having another at least 10 drinks there alone. Finally it was time to leave and I was ready to go home except my partner couldn't even walk. His mum, his friends mum and I had to all walk/carry him to his mums house. He had thrown up all over his shirt and clothes and I had to shower him at his mums house and put him to bed. And the cherry ontop is he was so drunk in the middle of the night he peed on the wall and I was crying and shaking not knowing what to do, I just left it till the morning and his mum and I cleaned it up. I felt like my Christmas had been ruined and I didn't even get to have fun. I would have just stayed at my family's house if I would have know I would just have to look after him. Doesn't matter. I had to stay there too because he needed to get up at 7am to go to work and needed to go home first and get all his stuff. The next morning he got up and we went home and then he went to work. I was really upset for a few reasons. 
Firstly because he low key ruined my Christmas. Secondly, he does it all the time and cannot just drink casually and thirdly, he knows how I feel about excessive drinking. I don't have it as bad as others but as a kid I had seen some of my family members get very angry and just be sloppy drunk so he know being around that freaks me out. I just don't like it and I know that's not what I want for my future. ANYWAYS

 

He went to work and then came home and I was upset. I asked him if we could go pick up my car because I drove to Christmas yesterday but couldn't take it home cause I had a few drinks. I've only got the car recently and haven't driven by myself at all so I wanted him to come with me. He said he was too tired and asked if we could just do it tomorrow. I was disappointed but said it was ok. Then his friend calls him two mins later and asks if he wants to go to the pub and of course he jumps up and goes. Now on top of all the other reasons I'm upset I'm also upset he's ditched me for his friend. Which he does that all the time anyways. I understand we live together so we see each other everyday but whenever we have plans he always ditches me for a better offer. I feel like he doesn't even like me. Once he got home I was upset. I tried to be calm and just talk it out but he didn't have anything to say. When I expressed how I was feeling he would just kinda shrug it off or say he's an idiot and I should break up with him then if he's that bad. After a while I was just sitting upset by myself I didn't know what to do.

 

Things go downhill from here.
A few hours later I asked if we could talk again and he didn't say much. I told him I just wanted to be adults and communicate. He was being very hostile towards me so I asked if I had done something. He proceeded to tell me I have just been mean for the last month. Always nagging at him and just being stressful. He also said that I am lazy. He said I don't do enough around the house and when he gets home I nag him. And that he gets up early every morning but I sleep in till he gets home. He said that I have it easy and am just doing anything I can to be a bludger. He said this all very calmly but I don't understand where it all came from. I know I'm stupid and I don't have a job. I have tried to have job after job but I have such bad social anxiety I always end up quitting and I want to push through but I can't. I understand why he is upset because if it was the other way around I would probably be envious too but it's not like he is paying my bills or anything. I still pay for my own half of the rent and bills and buy my own things. 

It's just so hard because it's like he just started saying everything I think about myself I know I'm lazy and I'm mean and I have it easy. But I've been through a lot I moved out at 16 and went into a refuge and I've just been trying to figure my life out since then but I can't. I can't keep a job and I don't have any friends and it's me. I'm the issue. If I just had a job I wouldn't have this problem. If I had a better personality I'd have friends. 
If I wasn't me it would just be easier. I really think there is something different about me. I've gone to a psychiatrist once but I didn't really talk and kinda just said I don't know to everything. I think I have some sort of High functioning autism (I'm not gonna go into the full reasons I think I have autism) or something but because I really am different. I've never had friends and as a kid I would walk around with the teachers at school. I'm always too loud and have been called annoying my whole life. I used to embrace it I had crazy hair and crazy outfits and I fixate on stuff and that's all I want to talk about . But now I try my hardest to be normal. Normal hair and normal clothes or normal conversation and I try not to speak to much and when I do I always leave the conversation with regrets. Anyways I don't understand why in every situation in my life I'm the problem.

ANYWAYS   
I after my partner had said all of those things I took a minute to myself and came back very calmly. I said that I appreciate him for telling me but 1. I feel like it's very conveniently timed for him to bring this up to me and that if he had been feeling this this he could have told me before I had an issue with him. 2. I said that I'm sorry for being lazy and mean and I'll try to be better but I would appreciate it if when I'm mean if he would point it out because I didn't realise I had been. 3rd I said I'm sorry for being lazy but I signed up for a horticulture course that starts next year and he said that's just me doing whatever I can to bludge instead of getting a real job. 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand why I can't keep a job. I have tried everything. I'm happy that he has found a life long job in a field he wants to work in but I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm confused I don't have a passion and all the little jobs here and there I have tried I just can't stick too. I know I'm the problem I always have been. I've ruined all my friendships and am so lonely. He's pretty much the only person I have and now I feel like he's just confirmed everything I think about myself is true. I ruin peoples lives. It's me, I'm the problem. 

Lonely_loser
Lonely_loserPosted 27-12-2024 01:24 AM

Comments

 
PotatoLeaf
PotatoLeafPosted 27-12-2024 03:21 PM

Hi thanks for sharing, and we all need to ramble a bit sometimes no worries

 

Just adding a few cents here to say you are not the problem and it's not your fault. I feel like having a dream job with a reliable income is kind of a societal expectation, and everyone moves at their own pace and supports themselves in their own way, so don't stress ♥️ ~ and horticulture (gardening?) is cool, and quite useful actually. It really sounds like you've tried your best and honestly you seem like a really caring and responsible person to look after your partner despite feeling uncomfortable. 

 

It's quite true that if your partner had felt there were issues, it would've been better to mention them at the time rather than leaving them to mention during a conflict. I've had similar experiences with close ones where they can't be bothered to bring up uncomfortable topics until the middle of a conflict, and the convo ends up being more emotional ~ so try not to take it to heart. Things tend to get stressful around holiday time. It's the end of a long year of work, and people are tired and sometimes let loose and do what they want without much consideration for those around them.

 

Sorry to hear your Christmas didn't end very well, and you're feeling a bit lonely. We're here if you want to keep chatting, and you rly do seem like a wonderful person who's been trying their best. Although nothing's stuck yet, it's great that you've been searching and trying different things! Only you know everything you've tried and what works for you. You mentioned that you're sustaining yourself financially so yes, there's really no pressure to do anything other than what you want. Pls believe in yourself and be kind to yourself ❤️

 

~sending more peaceful vibes for the rest of the holiday season~

 

 
Zig_RO
Zig_ROPosted 27-12-2024 12:06 PM

Hey @Lonely_loser 

I wanna start off by thanking you for you post on the online community!!!! I want you to know how proud you should be of yourself, from what i have read you've been experiencing a lot of thoughts and feelings over the past couple of days and i want you to be so proud of yourself from finding the courage and bravery to share your journey it's incredible to see 🙂 

First off i want you to know that you should not feel at fault for your partners actions, he is his own person and the decisions he makes are on his own accord and you should never feel guilty or that (you're the reason) he acts a certain way. 

I'm sorry to hear about how your Christmas turned out, from what i have read it sounds like your partner put a lot on your shoulders and you may of been feeling very overwhelmed. In no way shape or form does this feel like an easy thing to experience and i want you to again be proud oh yourself for the steps you've taken and the effort you've put in to communicate with your partner about the event. 

From what I've read it seems that your partners excessive drinking may be a bit triggering to you, and I'm wondering if you've had a chance to communicate with him specifically about this after this Christmas? 

I'm also curious to know if you've considered trying to find some other professional support recently? It can be a very challenging thing to do however some additional support may be able to help you in finding job opportunities as well as something to talk to in times of need. 

I want to provided you with this link ReachOut has to article on how to get a job and building self confidence.

Again i want you to know that it's sounds like you've been through a lot this Christmas and i want you to know that's it's more than ok to feel drained or down and it's important to allow yourself time to heal and feel good again 🙂 I'm wondering if you have any self care strategies that support you when you're not feeling 100%? 

Please don't be afraid to sing out if you need anything else, i want you to know that you're not online and the community is here to support you 🙂 

Hope to hear from you soon. 

 
KaizerBiker
KaizerBikerPosted 27-12-2024 11:30 AM

Hello @Lonely_loser 

 

Sorry to hear that you are having really hard time at the moment, especially since that your Christmas had been more or less not ideal this year and that your relationship with your partner since to be in a bit of a bind at the moment.

 

It seems that you are in a rather rocky and precarious situation at the moment, and that your partner does not seem to be encouraging or respectful of your efforts and boundaries respectively.

 

Personally, I had been in a rather rocky situation as well with one of my close friends as well and during that phase I wish in a mindset where I was constantly in the wrong with everything as well and there was a deliberate attempt from that person to silo me out from all my other friend groups. I wasn’t having a particularly good time and it only took the help of my other friends and a visit to the counsellor to finally end this relationship all together.

 

But that’s not to say you can’t try to talk it out as well as that was just how my friendship went, there is an article that might be helpful if you would like to look at some suggestions on how you might approach future conversations with him 6 steps to tackle difficult conversations  

 

In any case, I don’t believe that everything is your fault, you been working on yourself in a lot of different ways and even thought it is not really sticking at the moment, you are still making a lot efforts to improve yourself, whether that be a job or a new course (like Horticulture). I believe that you should be able to be your authentic self as well if that brings you much more happiness, as I feel it gets tiring trying to be “normal” all the time.


Furthermore, I’ll recommend you seeking out a counsellor or Psychologist if you able to, to talk about your relationship issues on this matter as well and if talking online is more convenient for you, then Lifeline  and Headspace are good choices to consider.


Once again, I don’t think that everything is personally your fault, you have done a lot and have been very patient with how you approach things and I hoped that these words were of help and I wish you the best on this matter 😊

 

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