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Not coping emotionally after fight with boyfriend
Hey everyone,
I had a huge fight with my boyfriend the other day and it absolutely destroyed me because he is my only source of support. I thought I was going to lose him and I was extremely distressed and crying. I had to go to work but they sent me home because I was crying and was just an absolute mess, I couldn't do my job. My mental health has been unstable the last few weeks and I've had to miss out on work because of it and I have a lower income as a consequence and now I'm struggling with expenses for the next few weeks.
Me and my boyfriend are okay now, we resolved the issue and we've been good the last few days but I'm so worried that if something bad happens again that I just won't be able to cope. I don't really have any close friends that I can talk to. I will never do something to hurt him because I love him so much but I'm so worried that a fight will arise again inevitably and I'll have the same reaction that I did the other day. I can't imagine living life without him, we've been together for a few years and he has made those years amazing for me and we've been through good and bad.
I guess I'm just looking for some help on what to do if a fight happens again so it doesn't completely ruin me again. I don't ever want to feel that low and upset again, it terrified me.
Comments
Hey @gia-222,
I just wanted to say wow ..... it honestly, it seems like you have so many compounding stressors in your life right now with these combined financial, social and mental strains ... It makes total sense that it would feel so scary when the one consistent thing in your life appears to be jeopardised. I'm sorry to hear that you were so upset that it impacted you at work dealing with financial stress, all while trying to juggle mental health. Thank you for sharing your story, not only are you helping yourself (self-care is awesome!) but others who are also feeling the same.
It's great that you were able to resolve the issue in the end, do you know what was helpful in aiding this? You are also aware of how much a big fight like this can impact everything, is this something you have talked to your boyfriend about and found patterns that led up to the fight? For example, fights with my boyfriend tend to happen when we haven't slept well and neither of us are communicating about our stressors. We have found our own personal ways to work around this and such as engaging in more relaxation time together. It sounds like the fights are very emotionally taxing and while it is almost impossible to ensure that none happen, it may be possible to work together and chat about how you both want to engage during conflict.
On coping with fights, it can be very dysregulating to feel disconnected from a loved one, especially when it appears as though you might lose them. Have you found anything to work for you in the past when dealing with very intense emotions? Or perhaps you may have some ideas on what might work for you?
Hey @moss-ari 
Thank you for your understanding, it means a lot! Majority of our fights only happen when we are not physically together and communicating over text/phone calls. We almost never fight in person and if we do it is resolved rather quickly. What resolved the issue the other day was simply meeting up and being with one another. I guess we will have to work on avoiding misunderstandings and miscommunication while we aren't physically with each other since this seems to be the problem. I think that if a conflict arises that it is best to just see each other face to face and work it out. Even though the other day he kept saying he didnt want to see me and that tore me apart, he still came to see me because we really love each other and we know deep down that we want to be together.
I haven't dealt with such strong emotions for a while because my meds generally calm me down and keep me under control but this was a massive trigger and I really need to learn how to cope. I am actively trying to make some friends whom I can rely on for external support outside the relationship because I think a large factor of my distress was related to only having one source of support, which is my boyfriend.
@gia-222 It can be so difficult during a trigger to get to a state where you can move towards what can become more helpful for the situation! It seems like you value the relationship loads and it's so nice to see these reflections. Did you end up talking things through with him and if so, how did it go?
Finding support in other ways can be challenging when you feel the most comfortable with him, do you have other people you feel comfortable with or want to become comfortable enough to begin a support system with?
Thank you @gia-222 for your very reflective post. I can see you have really had time to think about your relationship, including what works. Although it doesn't make it any less easier, well done on noticing that you don't often get into fights when you are physically around each other. Whether it's text communication or over the phone, there can be room for miscommunication as it is harder to read facial expressions and body language.
It sounds like a great strategy to work towards seeing him when there has been an argument. This article goes through 3 steps to better communication which may be helpful for you.
Also, when you see him next time, would you consider having a chat about what you can do, moving forward, if something like the fight you described, happens again? He may have other ideas about how to better manage it too.
All the best.
Hi @gia-222 I'm sorry to hear about the fight that you had with your boyfriend and how distressed it made you. It's incredibly difficult to be in conflict with the people we care about, especially when you have been struggling with your mental health. I'm glad to hear that things are okay now, but it sounds like it has really left you wondering what will happen if a fight like this happens again and what you can do to manage in the future.
It makes sense that fights can be particularly difficult when our mental state isn't at its best and we have other stressors in our life like work and money. I was wondering if you have been able to communicate with your boyfriend about how you have been managing with this? Perhaps you could also talk about how you could be prepared to address conflicts in situations like this in the future? Sometimes it can help to know that you will both do your best to understand each other and work as a team, even in tough moments. You also mentioned that you don't have any close friends you can talk to, do you have anyone else in your life who you can trust to give their perspective on the issue if you feel the need to seek support? I was also wondering what you've been doing to look after yourself as you've been feeling so upset, to help manage your wellbeing if something else does come up?
I'm really glad that you reached out to us and am looking forward to hearing your thoughts 🙂