Not feeling strong enough (TW mentions passive suicidality?, self-harm)
This might get wordy sorry!
For context I'm someone who is about a year into trying to get ADHD diagnosis and medication (nearly there, i hope), but had been considering it in a serious capacity for about 5 years even before that. I'm also technically a first-year in uni, but already I've had to switch degrees since last year. I thought it was because I didn't gel with the subject area (that and struggling with the coursework) but now that I'm in a new degree that suits my passions far more I'm still coming up on the issue of not being able to just Do anything. I still don't have a job (kind of - I landed one briefly and then soon after got dismissed for a screwup.)
My executive function is so beyond cooked. I think if I didn't have my family around and people to disappoint, I simply would not Do Anything. I want/need my family to think i'm doing well with my coursework and general life stuff just so they don't start freaking out. I wish I could be comfortable enough to express when i'm having difficulty but I always want to take it on myself to fix it. If they didn't exist, or if I had moved out by now, I don't think I would have the drive or respect for myself to even get up and eat or drink, or move from a single spot, let alone send out job applications daily or attend classes. and yet i have friends and family who deal with 30+ hour jobs on top of full-time uni and life issues who are such sweet and strong and kind people and i do not know how they do it all while hardly breaking a sweat. (I know everyone struggles, including them, I just wonder why I break down over the smallest things)
Comparatively I have it so cruisy and yet for some reason I just can't deal with the simplest of everyday pressures and it makes me feel weak, incompetent, useless. Historically I haven't ever really thought of myself as experiencing depression and I don't love to think about it too hard, but on my worst days I wish I kind of weren't here, and then I remember how much more difficult every person in my life has it and it makes me feel worse and weaker.
Anyway I'm holding out on getting medicated!! Looking forward to hopefully being able to just Do things if I want/need to do them.
!!! (disclaimer- i have no suicidal intent. also have no self-harming intent at this time and have sought help in past instances where i did)
Comments
Hey! What you’re describing? That whole stuck feeling—like your brain just says “nope” even when there’s stuff you care about or want to do—it’s so real. And it’s so hard to live inside of. Especially when you want to be doing things, when you're passionate about the degree you're in now, when you know people in your life are rooting for you. It’s like the desire and the effort don’t match up the way you wish they would, and that disconnect is exhausting. And lonely.
I just want to say: you’re not broken for feeling this way. You’re not “less than” for struggling with what seems like it should be “simple.” I think sometimes we carry this secret guilt about not being able to push through or pull ourselves up or “just get on with it,” and it turns into this whole internal war. But you don’t have to fight yourself to be worthy. You already are.
The way you described it—like, if your family wasn’t around, you might not even move from one spot—that hit really hard. I’ve been there. A lot of people have, even if they don’t talk about it out loud. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up. Sometimes our systems just get overwhelmed. The fact that you keep going at all, even when it’s for others right now, still says a lot about your heart.
And yeah—holding it all together so no one around you worries? That’s its own kind of weight. It’s okay to not want to scare them, but it’s also okay to be struggling. You’re allowed to need care too. You don’t have to earn that by being at your worst or doing everything “right.”
I really hear how tired you are. How frustrating and hopeless it can feel sometimes. But you’re holding on—and that’s something. Medication might be a big piece of the puzzle, and I really hope it gives you that little extra ability to move when you want to move. But please don’t wait until then to give yourself a little bit of grace. You’re already doing more than you think, even if it doesn’t look like it from the outside.
If today’s just a “sit still and breathe” day, that’s okay. If you need to cry, or scream into a pillow, or just exist without doing anything productive, that’s okay too. You don’t have to prove your worth by being high-functioning. You’re allowed to just be.😊
Hi @mothlore,
Thank you for sharing all of that as it's a lot to navigate, and I can hear how tough it’s been for you. I sounds like you've been carrying a lot for a long time. The fact that you’re still pushing through, despite all the difficulty with executive function and the pressure you’re putting on yourself, is not weakness, it’s strength, even if it doesn’t always feel that way in the moment. 💛
It’s understandable that you’re struggling with comparing yourself to others who seem to juggle so much, but they’re likely not showing the full picture of their struggles either. Everyone handles things differently, and just because someone else is handling their workload in a certain way doesn’t mean you’re meant to follow that same path. It’s okay to not be able to "do" everything right now, and seeking medication and support sounds like a step in the right direction.
All in all, you're not alone in feeling overwhelmed by what others may view as small tasks, and it’s okay to take your time working through this at your own pace. There’s no timeline for feeling "okay", and no one gets to define your worth but you. I can see how hard you've been trying and that's effort is something to be proud of.
I'm sending you my best wishes moving forward! 😊
Hey @mothlore, welcome back to the community, it's lovely to hear from you again. I can hear you've had a lot going on since we last heard from you- finishing school and getting into uni, applying for jobs, and you're now on the path to getting an ADHD diagnosis and medication. It sounds like despite all of this, you've been feeling down and really hard on yourself, and have been comparing yourself to others who appear to be doing so much more and not struggling with it.
It can be really disheartening when you have to try so hard just to meet what society and others seem to see as the "baseline". It's really understandable to then sort of start wondering "well, what's wrong with me", and feeling like you're not "good" or "strong" enough. We do all have our own struggles, but I don't think that should mean one person's should be treated as any more or less important than another's. We all deserve and need help. It sounds like you're really struggling with executive functioning and it makes it hard to even look after yourself and find meaning in day to day activities. That's really hard and it's not fair. But even though it takes you a lot more energy and the external motivation of not wanting to worry your family, it sounds like you're still doing so much.
I'm wondering whether being so hard on yourself and comparing yourself to others is actually helpful here, in terms of how it's impacting your mood and confidence?
I'm glad to hear you're safe at the moment and have reached out to supports in the past when you didn't feel safe. Do you think you'd reach out again in the future to these supports if you weren't feeling safe? We have a list of urgent support services here who you can contact as well if you need
I'm also wondering if you have any people who you are comfortable talking with about how you've been feeling?
Best of luck with the diagnosis and medication journey and the community is here for you 🙂
