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TW: Depression is really bad.

Hi, I'm 19 years old, 20 in a month.

 

As you can see, I'm struggling pretty bad. Mainly with feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. I used to fear death like crazy but nowadays it's simmered down and what's replaced it is feelings of pointlessness. When I don't fear death as bad, I sort of start to think of how pointless mine and everyone else's life is, how no matter what we do or achieve in the end, at some point we cease to exist. A key value I have for life is connections and relationships. While I do have plenty of people to call my family or friend/s, it still just doesn't feel like any of them really do care. Everything feels one sided, I message and initiate everything and either get responses hours or days later or nothing at all. I don't receive any messages asking if I wanna do something, play something, talk, or simply asking how I am, Nothing. All my 'friends' and family are nothing like me, I just disappear into the background. While I try to not let it get to me, it always has and always probably will.

Spoiler
I'm at the point where I'm just sort of ready to give up and accept the fact that no matter what I try I will never come into the thoughts of anyone's mind. While I won't be committing suicide or anything, everyday is a bore and I can't seem to imagine that any difference would be apparent whether I was dead or alive.

From an outsiders point of view I'm sure that's not the case, but in my head it sure as hell seems that way. I've spent the last 2 1/2 - 3 1/2 years in my bedroom on my computer no job no nothing. I have a warped sleep cycle where I start my day at 12 - 1ish pm. So half of the jobs I can't even make too unless I wanna feel like I'm on deaths door every time I wake up.

Spoiler
I'm morbidly obese but starting to lose weight, but I still don't feel happy or fulfilled even when I have been able to make a change. I'm a recluse with no happiness. Everything I used to enjoy is becoming a task or something that is uninteresting anymore. I'm constantly just in a state of melancholy.

Crying doesn't help, laughing doesn't help, like I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any dreams or aspirations other than to be married and a father at some point, yet looks like I'll be alone all my life. I don't speak to anyone about it because they can't relate, they don't know how depression or anything works. They don't know how to help, so I just keep it all to myself, and every time I do open up, nothing changes, it just becomes a drop of water in the ocean, like I never reached out. (pun included.) I've always prided myself in trying to put others happiness before me but I can only do it for so long before I forget about my own, which just so happens to be the case now. I hope you all are happy and surviving, thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my sob story, apologies for wasting your time.

Thanks, Sam

Samm
SammPosted 11-12-2023 01:22 PM

Comments

 
Nymeria-RO
Nymeria-ROPosted 11-12-2023 04:49 PM

Hi @Samm,

Welcome back to the forums, it's nice to see you again. I'm sorry you're struggling so much, today sounds really difficult. I want to thank you for being so open and sharing how you're feeling right now.

 

I understand how frustrating it can feel when you value those connections and are left disappointed by one-sided interactions. This must be especially difficult on the lead up to your birthday. I'm sure a lot of people here can relate to how isolating it feels to have a bunch of people in your life, but few people to really talk to. Finding someone you relate to, who has the time and wants to talk or hang out can be so difficult.

 

You mentioned a while ago that you liked gaming, are you still enjoying it? I also noticed you said you're seeing a psychologist still, that's nice to hear, have you got any other supports you can rely on when you're feeling like this?

We made a couple of edits to your post so it aligns with our guidelines. We're also going to send you an email, looking forward to your response. 

 
 
Samm
SammPosted 12-12-2023 01:55 PM

I mean gaming is like a yes and no, I want to find something other than it that I can do as everything in the world doesn't really interest me anymore because I barely am out and about, but yeah for the most part it's decent. As far as support goes uhm I mean I could talk to my mum but it's always the same kinda thing where she says do you really wanna be inside doing nothing your entire life, things like that which just isn't really helpful. While I know she's just trying to get me to realize that there's more to the world and that she wants me to be happy, it's just not the kind of support I need in this circumstance.

 
 
 
Nymeria-RO
Nymeria-ROPosted 12-12-2023 03:46 PM

Hey @Samm,

 

It's good to know you're still enjoying playing games, it's so fun getting to explore a world someone has built to share with you. 

 

Finding other things to enjoy can be a challenge for sure, it can take a little longer to get something out of them compared to the things we're familiar with. Can you think of anything you would like to learn more about or are interested in trying?

 

I'm glad you have someone to talk to but I can imagine how hearing that from your mum might not be helpful, sometimes the way people go about supporting you can really miss the mark. Would you feel comfortable talking to your mum, or someone else you trust, about the kind of support you might want?

 

It could helpful to look at some ways to get your parents to really listen, also there's always PeerChat if you want to talk through this with someone one-on-one.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you

 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 12-12-2023 03:57 PM

I wanna go to the gym but I don't have a license and mum is always busy and don't really want to speak to my 'friends' at the current time, maybe badminton again at some point in the future but apart from that, not really. It's not that I feel uncomfortable talking to my mum she has her own fair share of experiences and manages everything and she just wants the same from me but I wouldn't say she's particularly helpful in that regard. I think everyone that I talk to knows that the only support that I need is just people to talk to and hangout with and when I don't get messages or invites to quite literally anything it makes me feel super unwanted, therefore I start questioning the seriousness of the friendships that I have.

 
 
 
 
 
Nymeria-RO
Nymeria-ROPosted 12-12-2023 05:05 PM

Hey @Samm,
 
It's nice to hear you that you're interested in the gym and badminton, it seems like you have a few things you want to do it's just finding a way to do it.
 
I'm glad you feel comfortable talking to your mum, sometimes theres a lot of good intentions but it can take someone who has been through something similar to really understand what you're going through.
 
I can totally understand why you might question the seriousness in your friendships when you're the one initiating most of the time. It can be hard when people have their own stuff going on, would you feel comfortable talking to your friends about this?

 
 
 
 
 
Samm
SammPosted 13-12-2023 01:55 PM

As I mentioned in the post, even when I do tell them I'm struggling or whatever, nothing changes. I have a friend that genuinely believes mental illness isn't a thing and it's just your imagination, and others who say they care but proceed to do nothing to act on it. So I can't really be bothered explaining that I don't feel valued because they just wouldn't understand, cause they just don't have the experiences that I do it's hard to justify my thoughts without them being confused with how I feel.

 
 
 
 
 
Nymeria-RO
Nymeria-ROPosted 13-12-2023 04:55 PM

Hey @Samm

 

You've come such a long way since you first posted here. I can see how challenging this might feel on the lead up to your birthday. It's frustrating to be vulnerable and express yourself then not get much out of it. 

I think it's good that you put yourself out there and express how you're feeling but I can also see how invalidating it might feel when you're talking about your experience and being dismissed before you even really shared it. Your experiences and what you've let us hear is so meaningful, and we're really glad that you've shared with us.

 
sage_wombat
sage_wombatPosted 11-12-2023 02:04 PM

Hi @Samm

It takes a lot of strength to be able to admit you are struggling so kudos on that 👏

I understand how hard it can be when you are having these feelings and how hard it is to get out of a rut and seek help. Have you tried seeing a therapist? I understand you don't have a job but there are many free resources you can go to for help with these issues. A therapist or similiar may help you change your way of thinking and help pull yourself out of this negativity, and could probably help you with your relationship issues as well. There is also a one-on-one "peer chat" you can use on this website that may help you. 

Unfortunately this is the best advice I have for you at this time, it seems you have tried to work on these issues in the past but have not been able to overcome them so seeing a professional may be the best way to go. Others on the forum may also have advice to give that could be helpful as well. 

Make sure to look after yourself at this time, there are threads on self-care that you can check out on these forums if needed, and good luck with everything! don't be afraid to reach out to the online community here when needed, it is a pretty great place for advice and support 

 
 
Samm
SammPosted 11-12-2023 03:01 PM

Yeah, I see a psychologist on a monthly basis and have been seeing all kinds of therapists for probably 10 years now, and while talking and all does help once you're done with the session and by yourself it all kinda just builds up again. thanks for the consideration though, appreciate it.

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