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TW: Giving up my kitten feels like the last straw
TW: self harm, health issues
Early June, my family and I adopted a new kitten. We already have two cats and I really fell in love with this new kitten when we saw her at the pet store. She settled in immediately.
Things in general have been tough. I'm falling very far behind in school. My health is declining and money is a very sensitive thing in my family. My sister and I work minimum wage jobs and I have recently quit my job due to a very intense burnout. My mum works full time but has been cutting her hours and lately has just been skipping work. We can't afford rent, bills, groceries and now due to my older cats getting a few colds here and there, we can't afford the vet bills. My mum decided the kitten needed to go. It was already too much trying to afford a life for three humans let alone three cats. She decided that since she was still a kitten it would be better if we gave her a chance to have a better life. While I agree that she deserves much more than she could ever get from me, she was my soul pet. She was me but as a cat. I loved her with all my heart and it felt like my heart dropped when I found out she would be going. We surrendered her yesterday and I feel terrible. This has to be one of my worst episodes of sinking into a bottomless pit I have ever experienced. I'm always crying and I can't even mention her without wanting to audibly sob. I just feel like I could have worked harder and better but I was so close to giving up completely when I did put all my energy and effort into work. I know she'll find a better home and a good family but I just feel so selfish for wanting to keep her even though I wouldn't be able to provide that proper lifestyle.
I also think I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack. I occasionally get panic attacks. My heart begins to pound and my chest hurts, I can't breathe, my hands get tingly and I just uncontrollably cry. My panic attacks usually last around 10-20 minutes. But this one has been going on for almost a full week now. I just feel so terrible and there's this feeling of impending doom in my gut. I feel like everything is going wrong and it's driving insane.
. I don't like it but I feel like there's no choice. I have an app called calm harm and sometimes it helps but when I feel like I've hit the ground that's further than rock bottom, I go back to my old ways.
As I've mentioned, there are also some health issues that are coming up for me. A lot of common abnormalities but things I never even thought about having. One that sticks out to me is the possibility of having a condition that ultimately leaves me infertile. I'm only 16 and I know I don't fully know what I want yet but I had decided that I never want children. Just based on how I've seen the lives of adults in my life who have children play out. It's not that appealing. But when my doctor mentioned that this condition could mean I have a low supply of eggs and could be infertile, I felt sad. I felt like even if I did change my mind in the future, I wouldn't even be able to have one. It's like you never want something but when someone tells you that you can never have it, you want it. It's just confusing.
But in conclusion, I miss my cat. I feel like a terrible human being, I'm having a prolonged anxiety attack, my chest hurts, I could possibly never have kids, and everytime I picture my future I end up sad. No matter what happens. I'm always sitting on my bed, by myself feeling like I'm 12 again. The age where shit hit the fan.
I’m safe and have a psychologist I can speak to.
Comments
Hi @tima
I am so sorry you're going through such a hard time. It sounds like everything is happening all at once causing many emotions and panic attacks. Thank you though for reaching out on the forums and being so courageous.
As someone who loves animals, I can only imagine the heartbreak you felt and are feeling, having to give away your kitten. Particularly as you felt like she was your soul pet, you must've been so bonded. I also understand financial hardship as money has always been a sensitive topic since I was little. It has become harder with the interest rate rises, so myself and my brother have to contribute each week to the mortgage just so we can keep our home and leave our parents with money for groceries. It's such a struggle so I truly understand how you're feeling. Are you able to reach out to organisations such as Centrelink for additional financial assistance? Even the Salvation Army?
Having health issues can be hard and being told that you're likely to be infertile is heart-wrenching. I have a common health condition called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which is a hormonal disorder that affects my reproductive system and can cause infertility. I was initially told that I was infertile but have since learnt that with a healthy diet and exercise, I may be able to conceive naturally, otherwise, I will need some medical help but it is definitely so possible! As I got older and entered adulthood, I made friends with others who share the same condition and have had children naturally, so it's given me so much hope for the future as I'd love to have kids of my own. Although your condition may cause infertility like mine does, I would still have hope as you just never know!
I'm glad you are safe and speaking to a psychologist. Have you spoken to them about what's been happening lately?
Hello,
Thank you for replying. My mum and sister are receiving Centrelink. I'm not really sure what they earn from that as it isn't something we discuss casually.
I'm not sure what the suspected condition of mine is called but there are two things my GP is worried it could be. My periods and imbalanced hormones have been a very painful and terrible problem ever since I started getting them but only now have I been told it could actually be serious. Thank you for sharing your own experiences. It helps me feel like I'm not so alone.
I haven't been able to see my psychologist since I only see him monthly. It was the only plan that could be bulk billed (12 appointments spread out monthly). It's hard not being able to speak to somebody weekly or even fortnightly but it's better than nothing.
I do have an appointment with him on the 22nd and I am hoping to be able to apply for another plan with him.
Thank you again!
Hi @tima
Thanks for replying! Since you have family members on Centrelink, you should be eligible too! It may help bring in enough money for you and your family to get by.
I had very similar symptoms but it could be anything. Please remain hopeful as even women with endometriosis have fallen pregnant. It may take us longer and we might need external assistance but conceiving is still possible! We must try to refrain from jumping to the worst outcomes as it can run our minds into the dirt.
I understand the spread-out sessions with your psychologist. You may be able to speak to a counsellor at KHL until you see your psychologist again. It might be better than waiting 3-4 weeks for your next appointment. I suggest reaching out to them and see if it helps. They may be able to provide you with different ways to reduce your panic attacks.
I hope it all works out for you. We are here if you need us!
Sending you love and light!
Hi @tima
I just wanted to chime in after I saw what you posted. I was really struck with how much has been going on for you. Having to surrender your kitten would be a heartbreaking experience even if you know it was for the best. With this, on top of your concerns about school, money and your overall health, I can imagine how difficult it is for you right now. It makes sense that thinking about the future makes you feel sad after everything that's been happening.
I saw that you were really struggling with your anxiety this past week. I was wondering how you've been doing over the weekend? Has anything helped with your anxiety?
We're here to listen to whatever's been going on for you ❤️
Thank you for reaching out. This weekend has been good although my stress hasn't gone down that much. My mum took me out for some distractions and that helped but I'm still worried about what happens next. I start year 12 next year and I'm trying my best to catch up in these next two weeks before the holidays so I'm all good for the next term. I have a psychiatry meeting next Thursday and im hoping I can get a beneficial treatment plan. Maybe after treatment, things will be a lot better and I can juggle things well next year and be a little happier. I'm not keen on giving up although, it sounds like the best thing. I believe in myself and I know things do turn out well in the end. But the worst part is not knowing when the end will come. So in the meantime, I will be optimistic and try and look on the bright side of things.
Once again, thank you!
Hey @tima
Thank you for getting back to us and for sharing this with us. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now so it is very understandable that you are feeling this way. It is a lot for anyone to be managing and I am really glad that you were able to reach out on here and share this with us – you should be really proud of yourself for taking that step.
I just want to acknowledge how strong you are, from what you have shared I can hear how much you are trying to manage yet you are also remaining optimistic for what’s to come and believe in yourself. This shows just how strong, determined and resilient you are.💜
It is great to hear that your mum was able to take you out for some distractions and that you will be seeing a psychiatrist next Thursday! How are you feeling about that?
How are you going with catching up on school work? I was wondering if perhaps you could speak to your teachers if you are needing some more support and help with catching up?
I also saw that you mentioned above that money is a sensitive thing in your family at the moment and your family has been experiencing some financial hardship and I am sorry to hear this. I was curious as to whether your family had access to, or was receiving any support from local organisations or services?
I know you also mentioned that you were also working but quit as you were experiencing intense burnout – whilst I can imagine that was a really difficult decision to have made, you should be really proud of yourself for listening to your body and prioritising your wellbeing.
Thank you again for sharing this with us. I look forward to hearing back from you soon.
Take care.
Hi there @tima ,
Thank you for sharing what has been happening for you. It sounds like a very difficult time. Losing a soul mate can bring on many feelings of grief, isolation, failure etc. I also hear the struggles your family is having in terms of paying rent and bills. It must be a stressful time for the whole family and I'm sorry it came to the point where you had to surrender your best friend.
Do you have someone you can talk to about what is happening? I know you mentioned speaking to a psychologist. Do you have an appointment soon? Talking about the feelings that come with loss can help to name some of what you feeling. You may be interested in reading these resources about Working Through Grief as well as Losing a Pet.
Griefline is a service you can call on 1300 845 745 (M-F). They are trained to help you through some of what you are feeling that is associated with having to surrender your kitten.
I'm also hearing that you are thinking about your own health and health condition which may affect your ability to have children. I'm sorry to hear this all this is happening at the same time. I can only imagine how hard things are for you right now and it is affecting you physically. If you continue to feel these physical effects or are concerned about how you feel, we encourage you to speak to your doctor.
You do not have to go through this alone.
Thank you for replying. I was having a hard time missing my cat so I decided to call the place we returned her to and they were more than happy to inform me how she is doing and where she is in her adoption process. It makes me feel better knowing that she is okay and helps me not picture her in the worst position. I also have a bunch of doctor's appointments lined up. I will be creating care plans and diet plans to help with my wellbeing. I'm deciding to turn my life around. I shouldn't be sitting around sulking all day but it's also healthy to recognise that negative emotions aren't unhealthy or abnormal. I'm looking forwards to whats to come although, things still worry me. I'm feeling slightly better about things and am choosing to stay optimistic.
Thank you again!