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TW: Life
Hey @Pho-RO
I am a bit worried about going through everything happening to a stranger I don't know, who I won't know much about. I'm telling them my most significant and deepest secrets, and talking about all my emotions and why I am struggling is just a lot.
I hope I get a new job in the next month or two, which should be okay.
I'm a bit worried, though, after my parents leave on the 3rd of next week, I won't have much occupying my time between the 3rd and the 10th. I have a few uni assignments, but that's about it.
I don't want my SI to increase, as I'm getting worried I might do something. It wasn't good on Thursday and I just don't want to get back into that mindset again next week.
I am safe right now and should be all this week. It's just next week I'm worried about. I will contact KHL if I want to act on any thoughts.
Hey@Lapis_Anteater 
Thank you. I hope so, too.
No, they said I should call once I don't have any symptoms, so who knows how long that will be? Let's hope for Thursday or Friday.
No, not really. My one friend is busy.i all alone, but I should be used to that by now. I've spent most of my life alone. So it's nothing really new there.
Hey @Red_Flamingo 
Ah right. Hopefully it’ll be sooner rather than later. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
I spend a lot of time alone too. I don’t really know if it’s a preference or not, but it can be nice. Is there anything you like doing alone? It might be a bit more difficult to find stuff that you can do while sick.
Yeah I hope so too @Lapis_Anteater
Just my luck getting sick when I needed to go in.
I like to cry when I'm alone and sad.
I guess I like watching tv alone. I don't know I don't like being alone even though I am alone all the time. Maybe it's because I don't like feeling lonely but I don't mind being alone if that makes sense.
What about you?
Hey @Red_Flamingo 
It is very unfortunate. But hopefully you’ll get better quickly. I had covid during a psych admission and that was not fun. You get isolated. Like they don’t even want to enter your room to give you food. So, they just wait outside your door and you open it just enough to get the tray. Being sick at home is better.
Crying can be cathartic.
I think I get it. You want to be alone by choice not because you have to be?
I like to listen to music on a speaker. There’s something fun about having a music party by yourself.
Oh no really that must have been hard.
I guess but I live on my own so I need to get something for dinner tonight. I can't even be bothered to cook.
It can be, but sometimes I feel worse, and then I spiral into a hot mess.
Yeah, I guess so. I don't mind being alone when I want to be but I hate when I’m really sad and depressed all I want is someone to be here with me and that's when the feeling of being lonely sets in.
That's a good one. I love listening to music.
Hey @Red_Flamingo 
That makes sense. Sometimes crying leads to more problems.
It’s really hard being alone when depressed. To me it felt like I was trapped in my head if I was depressed and alone. Connection makes such a difference but can be hard to find especially if you’re living in your own.
How are you feeling today? Did you manage to talk to your friend? Do you have any plans for today?
Hey @Lapis_Anteater
Yeah, it can, which makes things even more hard.
It really can be hard being alone, but I'll push through.
No, I haven't talked to him. He hasn't replied back yet. No, I'm just resting still while working on my assignments that are due soon. I'm not feeling great today, emotionally or physically.
How are you today?
Hey @Red_Flamingo
Hopefully he responds soon. That sounds stressful. How many more weeks do you have left? I hate how unis end up making most of the assignments due on the same week. It becomes so hard to plan your time well and just increases the pressure. Are you still enjoying your course?
I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling great. Try to fit in some self-care if you can.
I’m doing okay thanks.
Yes, it is a bit stressful @Lapis_Anteater 
I don't have much more to do, so hopefully, I can push through my cold and get it done. I finish at the end of this month, which is exciting. Then I have exams on the 3rd, 13th and 14th of November, then I'm done for the year.
It is good, just hard to enjoy it with a lot of other things happening at the same time.
I just want to be happy and enjoy myself, but that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.
What have you been up to today?
Hi @Red_Flamingo I wanted to jump in since I noticed that you won't be able to go to the hospital tomorrow. I'm really sorry to hear that it's been held back because of your cold. I know you've put a lot of energy into making sure it could happen, especially with opening up to your family. I hope you're able to recover soon so that you can get the support you're looking for. In the meantime, I was wondering what you're doing to look after yourself physically and mentally? It's always hard feeling lonely, even if you're sometimes okay with being alone.
Hi @Stormy-RO
I know it sucks a lot with the timing of me getting a cold and supposed to go into hospital tomorrow. I hope I'm feeling better in a day or two. The hospital just said that I would need to call them back once I'm feeling a bit better.
I've just been resting today. I do have a chat with my regular at KHL tonight, so that's good, I guess. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like much physically or mentally. I feel so drained. I don't even know why I'm so sad today. Nothing should be making me sad, yet I still am. I'm so alone I just wish someone could hug me, but that will never happen. I tried talking to my aunt but she is at work and wants to leave our conversation until Friday so that sucks. Anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine.
*gives virtual hug*
It's gonna be ok@Red_Flamingo being sick sucks but hey, u don't get to go anywhere u don't want to :).
Highly recommend Lapis Anteaters tip on playing music, that helped me a lot with my isolation when I had Covid last year.
Maybe read a novel as well? Highly recommend Throne of Glass by Sarah J Maas
Hey @AcidMonster55 
I'm going into hospital tomorrow so that's go news. I'm just working out if I'm taking to much stuff hahaha.
I will take a book with me and listen to Taylor Swift and probably some sad music.
How are you?
Hi @Red_Flamingo that’s good to hear, I’m sure you’re packing everything u need. If u want any sad song recommendations I suggest Tears are Falling by Kiss.
Im alright. Had my monologue exam for theatre this morning which went better than expected. Then went home and (attempted) to study. Just came back from house night thingy for school and am about to go to bed.
Hope the hospital visit goes well tomorrow, wishing you all the best 🙂
Hey @AcidMonster55 
Yeah I'm in the process I need to try and fit everything in my sucicase and somehow my doona as well not sure how that will go but we will see. I'll finish in the morning as I need some of the things before I finish packing.
Okay, I'll have a listen when I'm feeling sad hahaha.
Ah, nice I hope it went okay. I'm just working on my group assignment right now so much fun.
Yeah thank you I'm sure it will be fine.
Hey @Red_Flamingo I think it makes a lot of sense that you're feeling sad today. Aside from not being able to take those steps to get help through the hospital yet, you're also feeling physically drained because you're sick. It's important to look after ourselves when our physical or mental health aren't at their best. I'm sorry to hear that you won't be able to talk to your aunt until Friday, but I'm glad to hear that you will be talking to your regular at KHL tonight. Maybe you could come up with some strategies for managing these next few days together. What do you think?
Hi @Stormy-RO 
I guess, but I wish I wasn't sad. I haven't had many days in the past few weeks where I haven't been sad. I wish I knew why I am sad.
Thank you. I know she is busy with work, but I've really needed to talk to her for the past couple of weeks, and we haven't been able to speak.
Yeah, it will be good to talk to her at KHL. My new psych said last week he thinks she is mollycoddling me, and I'm not sure if I should tell her or not when we speak tonight. I don't want to upset her. Do you think it would be a bad thing to tell her?
I don't see much helping me now, but I'll try. I am safe, by the way. I'm just really sad right now. I was hoping to go to the hospital tomorrow, so I hope I get better in the next day or two.
Hi @Red_Flamingo how did your chat with your regular go?
I am sorry to hear that you are still feeling so sad, did the chat help you to process this feeling at all?
I am glad to hear that you are safe, and hope you have a speedy recovery so that hospital is just around the corner for you.
Hi @Pho-RO 
It was alright. We talked about a few things.
No, not really. I'm still pretty upset, and I don't know why, so it's really annoying. I don't even know why I am sad or what I'm sad about right now. All I know is that I feel sad and have been crying. I wish my brain wasn't so stupid.
Yeah, I hope so, too. I wish I could go in already. I hope to be better to go in on Thursday or Friday.
@Red_Flamingo I imagine that it is really difficult to be where you are right now. You have so much going on, and being sick on top of it all - sometimes, we end up crying because we're just so overwhelmed. It doesn't have to be something specific, it might just be that you're in a really tough spot, and the help that you need has been delayed, an delayedby something outside of your control. Plus, when feeling tired, sick, and overwhelmed, our brains are less able to regulate. So to me, it makes perfect sense that you've been crying a lot. Doesn't make it any less frustrating, but I hope it can help you to reassure yourself that it isn't stupid at all, it's a normal response to a very distressing situation.
I hope you are able to get plenty of rest over the next few days, so that your sickness abates quickly. What are you doing to help yourself stay safe over that time?
Mmm maybe I'm just to overwhelmed right now and not coping. I guess a lot has been happening but I'm trying to manage. It is annoying that I was planning to go to hospital tomorrow and now that isn't happening but I'm sure I'll get in soon. Sorry I just overthing a lot. I have a million things going through my mind at once.
I don't know I have a safety plan to use. I have a peer chat tomorrow and I'll reach out to KHL if I need to. I just want to be happy so badly. I don't think I've had a full day where I like myself or feeling happy in a long time and Im not sure how I will ever get that back. I just want to go back to when I was in primary school and change who I was and become someone different everyone hated me. I might have liked myself back then but I was bullied as bad but as the years went on it just continued to get worse.
Anyway Im pretty tired now so I should go to bed. I might write some more about school tomorrow. I feel a tangent coming on hahaha.
@Pho-RO
Hey @Red_Flamingo 
It sounds like you have a lot going on right now, and this is a lot for anyone to be dealing with. It may not feel like it, but it seems like you are doing the best you can at managing this all right now and it is very understandable how overwhelming this must all be.
I know you mentioned that you have a million things going through your mind at once, and was wondering if there was anything you could do to try and help with this such as writing it out/journalling or doing something positive to distract yourself (reading a book, watching a movie or TV show)?
Also we have a sent you an email to check in, can you please keep an eye out for that?
Hi @Blake_RO
Yeah, just a few things, hey. I guess I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to be okay and not so sad every day and enjoy life.
Maybe I have two assignments to work on, and now I need to do a police check for a job I've applied for, so that's a bit annoying, but anyway. I need to see if I have one from when I moved in Feb.
I wish a big black, deep, dark hole would come and swallow me. I don't get why my feelings won't go away. I am safe right now. I'm just annoyed with myself. I'll call KHL if I need to.
Hey @Red_Flamingo
I can hear how difficult things are for you at the moment, and it sounds like you have been taking steps to keep yourself safe and take care of you. It is good to know that you will call KHL if this changes.
All the best with your assignments today!
Thanks @Blake_RO 
I got my assignment done, so that's good.
I'm going into the hospital tomorrow, so I'll definitely be safe now.