TW: My relationship with my mother is complicated
For context, I live with my two parents and my younger sibling who’s also a teenager.
My relationship with my mother wasn’t always so complex. I remember when I was little looking up to her. I remembering her hugging me tight as I cried because my best friend was moving away soon in second grade. I felt safe and warm but now I don’t feel that when I hug her.
TW: Abuse
I remember one night when I was fifth/sixth grade,
I blocked that event out for a number of years. It’s never been brought up since it happened. But that made me realise how mentally unstable my mum is and how that has impacted me. She clearly has an anxiety problem and I’m unsure if she’s been refused a diagnosis or she just doesn’t want one. She’s almost self aware about it too, like sometimes she jokes about her anxiety and how she unnecessarily loses her shit sometimes. For example my mum told me I happened because my mum got off birth control. I asked why, she replied, “because it made me feel like I was going crazy. And then I went off them and turns out that’s just how I feel constantly.” And then she laughed about it.
She also has barely learnt/knows anything about autism and I’m autistic and I have been since I was seven years old. She gets frustrated I do things which if she just did a bit of research realised it was an autistic thing. Like using the wrong tone accidentally sometimes.
She also barely acknowledges I am queer. I am a lesbian and she still asks if I find certain guys attractive that are around my age. She always says still I could change my mind and I don’t have to label myself. She also said this after I was watching a video of autism on YouTube because “autism isn’t entirely you” when it literally affects my personality. And I use they/them pronouns and a different name from my birth one. The pronouns I can never correct her on otherwise she gets angry and annoyed because she’s “trying her best” and never ever uses my preferred name. She says she’s supportive but she only could ever be considered that for having a gay friend since high school and not kicking me out because of it. Also I’m not allowed to tell any other family members and need to ask for her approval first. I told my Nan behind her back and she was annoyed a bit at me. Her (and my dad’s) reasoning is “because they ask us the questions.”
Last time I told her anything after she noticed I was down. She asked if she could help and she would do anything. Turns out anything does not include calling me the name I want. She screamed and cried about it like she was a toddler and told me how she felt like her child was dead and I named myself after some famous criminal (which I did not, that’s just a bad coincidence. I also didn’t know this criminal existed until she said it). After that had passed, she agreed to use it and gave up after two days for unknown reasons. I never asked, I couldn’t deal with her doing that again.
She’s gotten my Taylor Swift concert tickets and I’m excited. I haven’t really shown it so she can’t take this away from me if she gets upset. I feel like this will be used against me in the future. Just like a lot of other things.
Comments
It sounds like a complicated relationship with your mum and it is a challenging environment to live in. I understand to an extent I have a challenging relationship with my mum and she often ignores the mental issues I have or makes fun of them. Over time for me it hurt less when I began to accept that she was never going to understand what I experienced and went through especially when I do try to talk to her about it, she takes it out of context.
Something I realised with not only my parents but a lot of the adults, they find it hard to accept new things and change especially when they are close to the person. This might be hard for your mum to accept that you are queer, your pronouns and have autism because it's new in some way for them. Even though yes a little research could help it is still challenging for them to think the way we do and accept them the way we do, different generational times I guess. Over time your mum may accept or quiet down about these things. When I started struggling with mental health my mum didn't understand or accept it even when I was seeing a counsellor, she gave her opinion on everything. It wasn't until I sort of took control of my life that she really settled down and did things she didn't want me to do. I hope it is the realisation I am going to do what's best for me. Hopefully, your mum will get there and acknowledge who you are and accept you.
As for now in managing, I often spoke to close friends about it which helped me sort through my thoughts and emotions, and also getting out of the house as much as possible. This could be going to a friend's house or even for a walk just to get away from the whole situation. You mentioned you were close with your dad, I am too and I often found comfort in ranting to my dad, is it possible to talk to him about any of this? Otherwise, journalling is a great way to sort through emotions and online counselling can really help talk these things through. A couple is peer chats on Reach Out and Kidshelpline I have found helped me.
Hey there @SwiftnessGem ,
Good on you for sharing what's been happening for you. It sure sounds like the relationship you have with your mum is pretty complex, and your mum is working through some heavy things herself. I acknowledge your reflection of how your mum's instability has impacted your life growing up. It sounds like she still hasn't come to terms with your identity, your preferences, your autism etc even though you have tried to be open and transparent with her.
I'm wondering if this article about 5 ways to get your parents to really listen to you will be helpful? There are some good tips there in terms of how to open up to parents. I'm also curious to know whether you talk to your father or younger sibling much? Do you feel they acknowledge you for who you are? It's important you feel you can open up to someone and feel supported.
I'm sorry to hear that your mum wants you to gain approval before you speak to family members about being queer. It must be very difficult for you in that you can't be open. I wonder if you would find speak to a LGBTQIA+ peer worker on QLife would be helpful for you?
I recognise how complicated things are for you at the moment. I hope you get to go to the Taylor Swift concert and your excitement won't be used against you.
Please know you are not alone.
About my dad and younger sibling
My younger sibling isn't much of a talker. We aren't close but we aren't enemies. Most the time we get along fine, sometimes we get on each other's nerves but that's just like with any relationship when you spend a lot of time stuck with each other. I will always do my duty as the older sibling to protect them.
I'm more closer to my dad than my mum. I would probably be closer if my parents were separated that way my mum could get out the way less. Though we have a nice relationship, it's not really a close one. I've just realised he's more emotionally stable and we have more things in common that unlike my mum (maybe unknowingly) sometimes does is make fun of my interests. He also kind of opinionated about random topics like me which I like hearing him out on and friendly debating with him. There's more room with disagreement with him. I also suspect my dad has ADHD or is neutrodivgent of some kind and that's another reason we can bond without doing much. Also unlike my mum sort of favouriting my younger sibling (her mental unstableness has not nearly affected them as much as me but I won't say it doesn't affect them at all, so I don't mind this favouriting if it lets my sibling have more of a normal childhood) my dad does not have a favourite child. I know this because my dad doesn't even have a one favourite anything (band, song, friend, etc)
Though, my dad does have his faults too. He is a major people pleaser especially with his parents and side of the family. Sometimes I worry when the time comes he'll try to keep the peace or pick them (his side of the family and/or my mum) over me. I've barely heard him say a firm no to my grandmother. He forgets about things my mum sees as priorities (one of the reasons I think he has ADHD).
He and my mum argue a lot. But it comes and goes in periods. Another one of his flaws is not using the "I'm an adult" card to my mum to try to help her get help like therapy in my eyes. She makes semi discourages comments about therapy, so that could be her just using her free will. Also I feel like he doesn't see the flaws in their marriage and relationship that I see (I didn't really cover that in the post) or he thinks they'll mend overtime as well as he could fix them alone.
