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TW:my birthday and expectations
Hello I'm Sam, and I just turned 18 today, along with having my birthday I also have the same birthday as my pop for reference this year was my pop's 80th who just had a stroke and has recovered and, my 19th. His obviously taking more importance this time around.
Now if you recognise me I've been on here twice before regarding my sleep issues and horrible anxiety/depression, which still continues to be a severe issue in my life. Anyhow onto the current dilemma. Pretty much my life and sleep cycle is different to everyone else's, I wake up early afternoon between 11am-2pm. Therefore all plans made are around what suits everyone else and I'm the anomaly. We had a family lunch / afternoon tea planned to celebrate... at 11:15 I was supposed to be leaving. Now my family to my knowledge knows just how horrendous my sleep is and how difficult it is for me to wake up 4 times in a span of 7 hours along with my fear of sleeping. It is... incredibly, INCREDIBLY draining. It makes everything negative that I experience 2-3x worse and I get immensely depressed and angry with myself and others. Cut forward to this month, I was surviving having on and off bouts of horrible and alright sleep, surprise-surprise the past 3 days I had been having a really hard time sleeping and staying asleep and the likelihood I would have had at least 7 hours of sleep to feel good enough for the next day was looking very unlikely. I did everything in my power to try and sleep earlier so I could make it up and feel well enough. low and behold it just wasn't meant to be. Which is where we are now, I woke up to hearing "Well obviously he's not coming." It really pissed me off, because as much as they say they understand clearly they just don't. Even after time and time and time and time again I voice how I feel, I just end up getting shunned upon talked to condescendingly, you can argue it's my imagination, but when everyone came home after the lunch or whatever, Mum comes into my room with a card and with the most like disappointed tone and look on her face it was clear that she was pissed.
What in the world. Am. I. Supposed. To. Do...
I cry every new years, Christmas, birthday. Because quite simply I hate my life nothing is going well and I've been inside for 750ish days in my room wasting my life away praying that maybe I become insane at games and make a career out of it. I don't feel wanted, I don't feel like I belong, I don't have any friends and a total of 4-5 people have said happy birthday to me not even my own brother. It just becomes to much for me. I'm treated like a normal person when quite clearly I'm just not. The fact I'm reaching out for help and to talk to people on my own BIRTHDAY is sign enough that I'm not doing well...no? For the past 3 years my birthday has just become 'another day' no one wants to celebrate it or send me their wishes or anything, I just sit at my chair and play the day away. It's dull, abysmal, even at parties or whatever it's like I'm just a shadow in the corner while everyone else is in the spotlight which makes me not want to go to any gatherings. Even though my grandparents might not be around much longer which angers me because everyday could be the last I see them, but it just isn't doable when you're experiencing sleep deprivation constantly, feeling like you're gonna throw up 10/16 hours you're awake and having insane amounts of stress and anxiety, it fills me with the thought of "I'm gonna regret this the moment they pass away." It just comes down to people's expectations in my friends and family. They want me to be healthy, working a job, doing things that make me happy, when in reality I haven't been truly happy since 2020. End of the day I just want someone to say to me, it's alright you're doing as much as you can we understand. I have endless amounts of regrets and I wanna change but it just feels like I have no one to hold my hand and guide me along the way a lonely road that I've been abandoned on to find a way to normality. I'm lost and hurt and struggling.
Thanks for reading, it means a lot. I just have nothing to turn to anymore.
Comments
Hi @Samm
I am really sorry to hear that today really wasn't what you hoped for. It is really disappointing to have to miss out on attending lunch and it is really understandable that you're feeling really upset and unheard. It sounds like your difficulties with sleep are really getting in the way of a lot of things. I can hear just how much you tried to make it to the lunch today but it sounds like it just wasn't possible even though you tried your best. It must be so hard to cry on events and feel as though nothing is going well in life. You mentioned that it comes down to other people's expectations. Have you shared how you feel with your friends or family?
You also mentioned wasting your life away and struggling to change but wanting someone to guide you. It must be so difficult to feel that way when you're also feeling lonely. Do you have any professional supports at the moment? Whether that be a counsellor or a psychologist?
If you ever need anyone to chat to, Kids Helpline is a service that offers telephone and web counselling.
Just so you know, I have sent you through an email if you don't mind replying to that.
I also want to end this by saying happy birthday!
I share my thoughts and opinions multiple times whenever they ask but I guess with time comes forgetness so they don't really think of anything of it, I do have a gp and a psychologist but I meant it in like a family friend kind of way, my biggest mentors were my dad (who passed away when i was around 9 to a battle with cancer)
so every one who kinda of helped me with things I was passionate about kind of just disappeared before I knew it, thanks for the email have responded and thanks for the birthday message means a lot.
Hey @Samm,
I just wanted to chime in and say Happy Birthday for yesterday. It sounds like it was a tough weekend that was made worse by not feeling as supported or understood as much as you would have hoped for on your special day. How are you feeling today?
I also see that you have experienced multiple significant losses of people who really meant the world to you. Sometimes the pain of losses like this can resurface on occasions like your birthday. It sounds like you might have been missing two people yesterday who really got you and knew what you were passionate about. For what it's worth, I am truly sorry to hear that you have lost two people that meant so much to you.
I am curious, do you have anything you find yourself getting passionate about now?
Still feeling pretty depressed and what not so about same old same old.
Yeah I wouldn't say I'm still griefing but everynow and then I still get regrets or I'll say like 'dad what am I doing wrong what should I do' kind of stuff and I still miss them but I wouldn't say it affects me that much anymore.
As far as passion goes... well nothing really nothing is exciting or fun to me really anymore every day is just the same old stuff on repeat enjoyable or not, I haven't looked or seen anything and been like oh that looks fun or oh I should go do that instead it's just why would I wanna do that and wow what a drag that must be.
Thanks for the response though, appreciate it.
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