tw: struggling rant
tw: sh and suicidal thoughts
Today, I had a rough time with sh and felt like a failure because of that fact. I'm doing completely ok now and am safe. I have no plans to act on any of my thoughts. I'd been doing reasonably well over the last few days but I just felt the need to do something. I told one of my friends and it just made me feel even worse about it because I felt like a disappointment. I can't sleep at night and keep having terrible dreams where all my friends come to my house and tell me everything they hate about me. I am seeing a therapist but I am having a hard time talking to her about this sort of stuff as that isn't the reason why I go to them but rather social anxiety. It feels like I just can't control the panic attacks anymore and it is getting out of control. How do I talk to other people about this?
Anyways, I just needed a bit of a rant about this so thanks 🙂
Comments
Thanks so much for reaching out! It sounds like you’re having are really tough time . Struggling with SH does not make you a failure. It’s an addictive behaviour and therefore, difficult to change. That fact that you are even trying is highly commendable!
Those dreams sound awful. It’s completely understandable to not want to sleep. For the most part, therapist are that to improve your mental health so it’s perfectly to talk about things impacting your mental health that aren't the reason you started therapy.
I found that the only way for me to be able to talk about challenging things was to practice. I’d spend a time just talking through things by myself. When I got to therapy, everything was already rehearsed so I didn’t have to think about what to say. Writing things down can also be really helpful.
First off, I just wanted to thank you for coming back to the forums to tell us about how you're feeling. I'm really happy to hear that you are safe at the moment, but I'm sorry that today was a tough day for you. Dealing with throughts of self-harm is not a linear journey, and even if today was hard I hope you're proud of the fact that you've done well over these past few days to manage your wellbeing ❤️
I noticed that you said that you spoke to a friend about this and felt worse because you felt like a disappointment, and you've also been having dreams that your friends are telling you everything they hate about you. That is such a painful thing to experience, even if you know that it's not true. How did your friend respond when you told them about what happened today? I wonder if reflecting on how much your friends care about you could help you combat some of these thoughts you're having.
It sounds like you might want to talk to your therapist about all of this but are struggling with the decision as it's not what you usually discuss. It's very common to change the course of therapy when something more relevant to you comes up. As this is something that is really impacting your life at the moment, it might be worth at least updating your therapist on how it's affecting your wellbeing. Maybe it would help to give your therapist an update on your mental health before your appointment, perhaps via email or a quick phone call?
You also mentioned that you can't control the panic attacks anymore and it's getting out of control, and want to talk to someone about it. I wanted to flag that in the moment, free services like Lifeline or Kids Helpline are really helpful as you can talk to someone who can help ground you and steer you through the hard parts. They're available 24/7 and have phone and webchat services which are both great.
Finally, I was wondering if you've been doing anything to look after yourself through all of this? Looking forward to hearing from you ❤️
Hi Stormy-RO,
My friend seemed sort of upset about it which looking back after 24 hours probably meant that they cared that I had done that to myself. At the time, I was just sort of spiralling. I haven't really been doing much for myself but I have been trying to open up to my friends more about it.
Hey there Pacific_Pheasant,
Sounds like your friend cares very deeply for you! It can be really hard to talk about what's been going on for us and to open up like that. Just trying takes a lot of courage and strength.
Keep being your awesome self and know you're doing the best you can right now 🙂
I am so sorry to hear that you have been having a difficult time lately. Struggling with this does not make you a failure or disappointment. It takes bravery to reach out like you are doing right now and you should be proud of your strength. I am so glad to hear that you are safe but please know there are people you can speak to. Please reach out if you would like any information.
It is completely understandable that you might be finding it hard to talk about these things especially if it is something you don’t usually speak to your therapist about. If this is something you do want to talk to them about, you could try writing down your thoughts or even show them what you have written here. Maybe this could be a good starting point?
Remember that you are not alone and there are people who care about you and want to support you through this.
🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
