Struggling to find a coherent place to start but okay. I am really struggling with destructive boredom tonight. I am diagnosed borderline personality disorder and don't generally do well on my own. And tonight I am on my own and not doing well. It's bringing up all kinds of anxieties and I'm getting quite worked up.
I finished my course of DBT a week ago and feel this enormous pressue to be "cured". And I know that's not realistic and I'm sure everyone around me doesn't expect me to be "cured". But I just can't help but feel that by completing the therapy it voids my right to a breakdown or be as unwell as I have previously. Beause you know, I'm supposed to have made all this progress and the psychiatrist is getting ready to discharge me back to GP care and I don't have to engage in the battle of wills with my designated psychologist every week anymore. So I'm scared to talk about it anyway. And the other night I reached out to my boyfriend and he made it about him and I ended up soothing him (and I'm starting to realise this happens a lot) and I went to sleep feeling even worse. So I'm just not talking about it.
I haven't felt the need to physically harm myself in months and tonight that urge is just needling me and needling me and needling me. Because my destructively bored mind is saying unhelpful things like 'hurt yourself' and 'you should be dead' and all my therapy sheets are at home and I don't know how to "challenge" my myths and I can physically feel myself winding up and getting drum tight.
And thanks to the infobus the other night I'm now starting to panic about the possibilty of having an eating disorder. But because that's really uncomfortable to deal with I'm just putting it aside (like putting it in a box, putting the box in a drawer, closing the drawer and locking it and losing the key putting it aside) and continuing on with potentially problematic behaviours.
Any anyway, I'm stressed. I'm on the down swing from a few weeks of high external stress from work and now I'm hitting myself with all my own bs and I'm just at a loss. Sorry. I just really needed to talk/type it out.
Firstly, I apologise that it's taken a while for us to reply here at RO. I would like you to know that we are listening and here to help you. How did you end up going on Monday night? Did you get through the evening without self-harming?
I can absolutely understand how you might feel there is an expectation that you should be 'cured' of BPD, but the reality is that everyone is different. How do you think being in the program for a bit longer would help? Or do you think you're at a point now where you have learnt lots of strategies and just need to get comfortable in using them? If you don't feel ready, I urge you to speak to your therapists about this discomfort.
I'm also sorry to hear that reaching out to your boyfriend backfired. This is a really difficult thing because you were seeking comfort from him when you needed it, and had to end up comforting him instead, subsequently leaving nothing resolved. How does he feel about this? Is it a possibility that he just cares for you so much that he doesn't know what to do to help? I hope that this event won't stop you from talking to people when you need it.
Can you recognise any triggers to the thoughts which make you want to hurt yourself? I've noticed that being alone is something that contributes to this. Do you find your therapy sheets helpful?
Was there something in particular in the Infobus which made you panic about having an eating disorder?