Does anyone else feel socially underdeveloped?
I don't know if it was because of my upbringing or my ADHD or because I'm just not learning as quick as everyone else but I feel like I am seriously behind in my social development. Just to be clear, I mean things like my communication skills, my emotional regulation, and my ability to think in emotional terms are just so far behind nearly everyone I know. For reference I am 19 and most of my friends are 19-22ish.
I really want to be able to have a conversation with someone I know and not just have it feel like there are awkward silences all the time. I want to be able to support my friends without constantly trying to fix their problems out of habit. I want to be able to use confidence or quietness or maybe even anger for their appropriate purposes, rather than it feeling like those things are just happening to me. I haven't ever really been taught this stuff before, has everyone else been taught it or is it just standard to learn it by watching others? Either way I know I want to improve, I know I need to be better.
I just can't figure out how to get better though. My typical way of learning - trying lots of things and making lots of mistakes - really doesn't work when it comes to people, I just end up ruining everything and making myself and others feel bad. This probably sounds a lot worse than it really is. Maybe if I asked the people I know what they honestly, truly feel about me they wouldn't be as harsh on me as I would be. But what I am saying here is a reflection of how much I am feeling all this and I really just want to use my feelings as a motivator to get better and worry about the rest later.
I kinda just threw my thoughts at the wall here, not sure if anyone is going to make any sense of it. I guess if there is a specific question I want help with it would be this: how do you practice your social skills without it being weird?
Comments
Hi @Iron
This post really resonates with me, thank you for sharing!
I also struggle with social skills and overthink and find it hard to fill awkward silences during conversations. I get anxious before I meet up with someone because I think we will run out of conversation topics so I plan things to bring up with them in advance. I also struggle alot with small talk with people I don't know very well. I love when I talk to someone that has alot to say so that they can lead the entire conversation because I can't just bring up things about my life easily because I worry they will think its random even though I don't think that when they do the same.
I'd say the only way to practice social skills is exposure. You could practice small-talk with a barista or cashier maybe (and if it's awkward it's likely you won't see them again). Like you said, you could observe others and pick up on the type of questions they ask other people. You can practice active listening, so that you remember about events in other people's lives so you can ask about them later. Also ask open-ended questions so you can get long answers off people and perhaps more talking notes will arise from their response.
I know it's easier said than done but I hope this helps a litte bit. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things begin to get easier for you!
Thank you too for sharing. I also relate to what you've said. I have tried planning out conversations which I want to go well before but I usually just forget what to say and start improvising anyway. Now I only plan out the opening line for conversations that I want to go well.
I have had success with open ended questions before as well. I am trying to memorise some open ended questions right now but they are kinda things you need to come up with on the spot. I did try one the other day though and it sparked a fantastic conversation.
Saying it all like this, it doesn't seem too bad. I'm learning from mistakes, identifying areas I need to improve, and trying out strategies to increass my chance of success. Still though, the nervousness can set in despite all the hard work I've done, it might just take some patience I guess. It really suprises me how persistent these feelings are though, because looking at it logically I think I should be more confident than I am.
Hi @Iron, first I want to say thank you for reaching out for help with developing your social skills, I know it's not easy!
It is really difficult when you know there are skills you need to work on or things you may not be great at, but you don't know how to learn these skills. To answer your question about whether others are taught social skills, I think for some people who have high social intelligence, skills like being comfortable with silence, knowing how to respond and how to use certain feelings and emotions for their purpose, come naturally. We are also taught a lot of this as children, but for whatever reason (your upbringing, neurodivergence, etc.) for some people these skills take a bit longer to develop, and there's nothing wrong with that! Just like some people are naturally good at sport while others have to work hard to get to the same level, social skills can be innate but can also be learnt.
A tip I have heard for developing social skills and to gain practice in low-stakes social interaction is to work/volunteer in a customer service role. This provides you with an opportunity to practice speaking to people of various ages, backgrounds, etc. and you can have a bit of a script to follow while also responding to unexpected comments, questions, etc. This can help you to develop confidence in your skills, and you can also gain feedback from your colleagues or manager on how your skills are going. Also, because you will be talking to unfamiliar people, you can try acting in a way you don't usually act - if you don't think you are normally a confident person, you can act as if you are a confident person, and over time you will feel this way.
Personally, I have always thought of myself as a quiet person, and people have told me this in the past. I got a job teaching children and early on a manager told me I was too quiet. I began to spiral, blaming myself for not being confident or being too awkward and I worried I wasn't suited for the job. But I decided to just put on a persona of confidence and to try to speak louder, and over time I found it felt less uncomfortable and more natural. I still feel awkward in social settings but I think this job has given me a chance to practise these skills.
Also, you have great self-awareness and insight to express your thoughts, and to know that you are "behind" in certain skills. It seems to me like you have great emotional intelligence, and you can use this in social situations to show understanding and empathy towards others, like when they are venting about problems. It's a very normal habit to respond with trying to fix someone's problems, but I would advise tapping into your emotional intelligence when your friends are vulnerable with you. You have shown these skills already.
I wish you all the best!
Thank you @Blue_Dolphin
Thanks for backing me up on my emotional intelligence. It's easier to be good at communication when I can write everything out until I am saying exactly what I want to say but it doesn't quite work like that in person sadly.
It would be good to practice these skills in a customer service job but funnily enough, similar to you I have just started my first teaching job at my uni (3 hours a week in the lab) recently. I don't think I am very good at it yet (I've only done three shifts) and I don't know whether I will reapply next semester but I am definetly learning a lot. It's really unnatural for me to present the confidence and authority that a teacher is supposed to have, but I am getting better at it. Maybe I'll try your tip of putting on a more confident persona but I don't know if my students will think the change is weird, especially if I can't maintain it.
Hey @Iron
I can really feel where you're coming from, I also feel like I'm a bit behind socially and I've had multiple of my friends express the same feelings. I'm around the same age as you and I think it's important to remember that we are still socially developing and arguably socially developing even more than adolescence as we learn how to tackle adulthood and all the new social systems and rules that come with it. So definintely give yourself some grace, your older friends have had years more practise at being an adult than you and it takes a while to learn how to be one. And if I don't sound too boomer-y, I also wouldn't be surprised if our generation as a whole has worse social skills as we spend more and more time online and have had covid cut into years of our adolescence.
Also, I don't have ADHD but I am neurodivergent and I would recommend looking to see if there's any neurodivergent social groups in your area or school/uni if you attend one. I felt like my social skills 'improved' dramatically when I joined one just because all the people there were much more on my level and communicated in a way I did.
This last idea might be a bit too blunt for some, but with my close friends I like to directly ask them how they think I'm communicating and what I could improve which is really helpful to get that reality check of how others actually perceive you rather than getting stuck in thought loops of overthinking and imagining other people's thoughts. It's been rather helpful for me, and I give them feedback if they want it in return too so we can both improve.
In any case, you've still got a ton of life ahead of you so don't feel like you have to be amazing at communicating just yet and there will always be people who like talking to you - good communication isn't a monolith
Hi @Iron
Thank you for sharing what you are currently feeling and going through. It must feel quite frustrating when communication doesn’t feel natural which is completely normal, I have ADHD myself as well and I do find that sometimes it can be hard to have a conversation without those silent moments in between but I am here to tell you that it’s completely fine to have those “awkward” silent moments in between conversations. I find that these moments can be good for quick reflection or thinking because sometimes it can be hard to know exactly what you want to say (if that makes sense). This is what I have found personally so it might not resonate but I can see where you are coming from. Social skills are skills that need practice just as with any other skill set so don’t feel like there is something wrong with you because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you 😊💜
In terms of needing to always “fix” or “solve” your friend’s problems, that is something I tend to do as well at times because I genuinely want to help and automatically we think of a solution or how do we make this go away or how do we make this better, you know. I would suggest in moments like this you honestly ask your friend or friends if they would like for you to just listen and let them vent away or if they would like your help or advice and go from there.
Sometimes asking straight up what our loved ones need from us is the best way to go about things because that way we won’t assume what they need which can create more problems than intended and also we get to support them one way or another.
I hope this helped you a bit and gave you some clarity, if not, we can always chat more and we are all here to support you through this. 💜☺️ I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Thanks @Mindful_Dreamer,
Sometimes the solution is so obvious! I should be asking people what they want more often. If I'm not sure, just ask. It's just that I can be worried if I ask someone what they want, they might be disappointed that I couldn't figure it out or maybe they've already told me what they want and I just didn't pick up on it. It's also a bit of a heavy question, when people ask me what I need help with, I usually don't even know what to say. Perhaps having the space to talk about my problems without judgement is what I really need in those situations. That's what I really like about this place. I'm thankful to have you and this whole community here when I need it.
