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TWI know this is weird and messed up but I’m struggling to accept this

Sooooooo uhhhh I used to injure my mouth because I liked the pain. Thought I deserved it. I was messed up. I never thought twice about it and had honestly forgotten all about it until I caught myself doing the same thing a few weeks ago.. it was like I was watching myself and I couldn’t stop myself even though I was telling myself in my head no it’s not a good idea.... you know like.... you shouldn’t do this but yeah anyway it happened and so my mouth hurts and now all I can think is that all my teeth are going to have to be removed and the dentist is going to think I’m crazy and laugh about me with all their friends. I’m still young and that thought really scares me. I’m also scared because I have a mad fear of being alone like I can’t leave the house by myself and with the lockdowns you literally have to. So I’ve been putting it off. And I don’t know how to explain it to a dentist because IM SO ASHAMED and my heads just not in a place where I can be in any way rational about this situation. I’m gonna go in there and start pacing around and screaming. I don’t know with my anxiety anymore what’s really something to worry about or not because I’ve ended up in ER so many times with panic attacks and I’ve just had a paranoid nervous breakdown and I’m a hypochondriac so I don’t know how much I can trust my perception of what’s going on. But it’s been such an absolute nightmare realising all of this.. The memories constantly play in my head followed by the worst case scenario in the Future. I’m obsessed. It keeps me up all night and makes me panic. I have nightmares. I feel the situation is hopeless. I’ve SERIOUSLY thought about ending my life over this and it has seemed like the only option. Like I’ve already hurt myself so how do I live with this when it’s playing on my mind 24/7?? I don’t know. It’s all so messed up. I feel soooo bad about it all. PLEASE HELP

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Re: TWI know this is weird and messed up but I’m struggling to accept this

Hi @Hiija , 

thanks for sharing a bit of what's been happening for you. I also just wanted to let you know that I made a few small edits to your post, we do need to edit out details of self-harm in case they are triggering to other users. 

 

Firstly, I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone - a lot of our community members have also struggled with those urges to self harm. It sounds like you're really ashamed about what happened - I think it actually shows a lot of strength to open up about what's been happening for you. People self-harm for all sorts of reasons, and there's a lot of different strategies that  can be helpful - there's some great resources on ReachOut here that may be helpful Smiley Happy 

 

We can't give medical advice here, but I would definitely advise having a chat to your GP about the pain in your mouth, they can rule out any infection and let you know if you should see a dentist. GPs really do see all sorts of things, and a good doctor won't judge you at all - they have to maintain confidentiality, so definitely won't be talking about you with their friends. 

 

You say that you feel like you've seriously thought about ending your life over this - that sounds like an awful feeling to have, and I'm so sorry that you're sitting in that space. Are you feeling safe at the moment? We are here to support you, and you can also call Kids Helpine or Lifeline if you need to talk to someone one on one- you don't have to go through this alone Heart 

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Re: TWI know this is weird and messed up but I’m struggling to accept this

Hey @Hiija,

 

I'm here and am more than happy to talk if you need Smiley Happy