Confused about my feelings after an ex moved on :/
Hi everyone,
So my ex and I broke up a few months ago. We’ve been in contact as friends (I know, probably not the best idea I've ever had 😅). But recently he said he wants to get back together. I turned him down and suggested we go no contact because we clearly want different things.
It’s been a week of no contact now, and I just found out he’s already seeing someone else........ I don’t even want to get back with him, so I’m really confused why I feel so upset about it. It’s making me think this is more about my ego or self-esteem rather than my feelings for him?
Does anyone have advice on how to deal with these feelings?
Thank you guys ❤️
Comments
It’s completely understandable to feel upset in this situation, even if you’re confident that getting back together with your ex isn’t what you want.
It’s natural to feel a sting when someone you once cared about moves on, especially if you’re still processing the breakup. It can feel like a blow to your self-esteem or ego, even if logically, you know it’s for the best.
Even if you don’t want to get back with your ex, the breakup might have left you with unresolved feelings. Seeing him with someone else can trigger those emotions, making it harder to move on.
Sometimes, seeing an ex with someone new can prompt you to compare yourself to their new partner or reflect on the relationship, which can be painful and confusing.
Strategies for Coping
Acknowledge your emotions without judgment. It’s okay to feel upset or confused. Giving yourself permission to experience these feelings can help you process them more effectively.
Redirect your energy toward activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Engage in hobbies, spend time with friends and family, and take care of yourself. This can help shift your focus away from your ex and onto your own well-being.
Reflect on your Relationship: Consider what you’ve learned from the relationship and the breakup. Understanding your own needs and growth can provide clarity and help you move forward.
Since you’ve opted for no contact, it might be helpful to stick to that decision. It can be challenging to heal if you’re still in touch with or checking up on your ex. Boundaries are crucial for emotional recovery.
Try not to compare yourself to your ex’s new partner. Everyone’s journey is different, and comparisons can be unfair and unproductive. Focus on your own growth and future.
Hi @miso_soup
This sounds like it's very confusing for you. I think it was noble of you to go no contact in order to put your best interests, and his, first. It sounds like your very thoughtful and very caring regarding this situation. Kudos for the way you've handled it 💜
It could be feelings rooted in self-esteem or ego, as you suggested. I think many of us have been down that avenue before when an ex-partner decides to see someone else. It's certainly difficult to navigate when you know that you don't want to get back together with that partner. I think there's something about seeing an ex-partner with someone else that triggers something inside us. For me, in the past, it's the idea that someone is caring for them in the way that I used to be able to, and vice versa, someone is now receiving the attention I used to... I wonder if this resonates with you. I think it relates to a reply you made earlier in the comment section regarding why you think it is a self-esteem issue.
For me, distractions used to help a lot. I took up a lot of new hobbies as self-growth opportunities so that I would have something to be proud of (e.g., for me, artwork).
Please look after yourself and have an excellent day 💜
Hi @miso_soup ☺️
I’m so proud of you for choosing to cut contact with him after turning him down, especially after having spent so long being with him as friends and romantically. And I see that you’ve set a boundary so that you can remove yourself from hearing about his current situation, it’s good to hear you’re looking after yourself in this way ❤️
It’s so so so fair to be feeling upset about seeing your ex-partner with someone else. Although you don’t want to be with him, feelings of longing and “what ifs” always come up when reflecting back on relationships after they’ve ended, even if they don’t resonate with your actual feelings. I can imagine how confusing this all is for you 😞
It sounds like hearing about your ex-partner’s new relationship has been making some negative thoughts about comparison and self-worth start to come up too. Knowing that he wasn’t making much of an effort at the start of your relationship, of course you’ll be feeling upset seeing him do this in this new relationship 😞 A gentle reminder that what he does in his future relationships does not define who you are and what you deserve. You are worthy of being taken care of to the utmost!!! You do deserve people who choose to make you happy ❤️
Your thoughts and feelings might become clearer with time 🥺 Especially since you saw him with a new person so soon after you cut contact with him, I imagine how sudden and out of nowhere it would have felt. For now, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel anything that your heart feels. Talking about these feelings with friends or family you trust might also help to clarify them a bit more! I think it’s also really important to spend time doing other things you love to ensure that these feelings won’t have too much of a negative effect on you.
I hope you will start to feel better about this in your own time ❤️ Let me know if you’d like to talk about this more ☺️
Hey @miso_soup , It's good to hear that you are trying to move on. But looks like you are struggling with your emotions, it can be a bit difficult in the starting to break a bond and may make you feel uncomfortable seeing the person you onced cared for, being with someone else.
Can I ask how did you find out that he started dating someone? Does it mean you were still interested in what was going on in his life?
You mentioned that it's not your feelings for him but some other emotions such as ego and self-esteem that are coming in the way to make you upset.
Can you share why you think it's your ego?
I will be waiting for your response ❣
hey@Infinity
We have some mutual friends and it's hard to avoid hearing about his life completely. A lot of our friends have told me that he's been posting about his new relationship on social media. I've had to set a boundary with those friends and make it super clear that it's been really hard for me hearing about those things and that I'd prefer to not know.
In terms of why I think it's self-esteem related. From what I heard, it seems like he's putting in a lot of effort into this new relationship (taking her on dates to places I've always said I wanted to go and buying her surprise 'just because' gifts to celebrate her little wins). I felt that towards the end of my relationship with him, we probably both got a bit complacent, I was upset that he wasn't putting in as much effort as he was at the start. The comparison almost makes me feel like I'm not worthy of someone putting in effort to make me happy. Because I don't think we would've broken up if he continued to show up for me in the same way that he's showing up for her now. It's hard not to compare myself to her and nitpick every single trait I have that makes me 'unlovable', even though I understand objectively that him moving on quickly has nothing to do with me personally.
I am moving on but yeah in a way I am still interested in his life. I don't want to go back to that relationship but he was an important part of my life while we were together and changed me in many ways. I'm glad he's happy and I know they're probably a better fit. It was just so abrupt and such a shock because it happened within a week.
From what I have read it is clear that you are prioritising the alignment of values and future compatibility over the pursuit of this relationship. I can hear that it hurt and caused conflicting feelings within yourself as you watch your ex invest their time and energy into another person. This sudden shock of him moving on so quickly may have felt like a betrayal as the time between him asking to get back together and starting a new relationship were so proximate.
I hear that toward the end of the relationship your ex became complacent sparking tension and inner conflict as you navigate why feelings of unworthiness are beginning to rise. It is important to be mindful that you decided to end the relationship and reject his advances because you know and believe you deserve more than what you had received in that relationship. Their new romantic pursuit may also be triggering your competitive instincts as you may unconciously believe that there is a lack of romantic partners for your own self. I suggest that you continue to reframe your thoughts and prioritise yourself and your own values and desires. Invest and redirect these feelings into yourself, family, friends, hobbies, or school etc.
Trust yourself and your initial instincts and why you chose to distance yourself. Believe in abundance and that your self-awareness and clear boundaries will guide you to what you deserve. Trust that time will provide you with clarity as these instinctual reactions of shock and jealousy dissipate and reveal your true feelings. 💜
How have you been managing these feelings recently. Looking forward to hearing from you! 🤗
