I don't know what's happening
Hello again, been a while because things were going really well, but I have a feeling my brain just wasn't built for being okay, so it's brought me problems out of thin air
So first of all, I just graduated so yay I don't have school stress anymore. I was really bored for a while but I've suddenly gotten motivation to do creative things again... because I've been feeling so shitty
Secondly, I think I have OCD, I've thought this for several years now but I'm not diagnosed with anything. I can mostly manage but I think I'm having some kind of flare-up. I got really into affirmations (as in spiritually, the law of assumption) in the last couple months, y'know like if I believe something will happen then it will happen and that sort of thing. But then my brain got TOO into them so now suddenly I'm policing my thoughts so I don't accidentally make bad things happen, which is so exhausting. I had this same problem when I was like 12, but I crawled my way out of that hole and that kind of thinking has still been around since then but just very low level until now. And unfortunately I have no idea how I helped myself back then. I'm so full of anxiety all the time
Thirdly, my gender dysphoria is getting worse too. It might be the weather, because I have to see my body more often now. But I mean, usually my brain just views my body as a boy's body (I'm a transguy) even if others don't see it as that, so I don't get dysphoria very often. But now suddenly I'm seeing a girl in the mirror so it's making me dysphoric. What's making it worse is I've been growing my hair out for the first time in years because I wanna look like John Lennon (multiple people have told me I look like him without my prompting anything so yippee :3) which was good until now. I wish I had testosterone so I could have my hair whatever length without it giving me dysphoria, because genuinely I prefer my hair like this nowadays
Andd well maybe I should seek professional help but mainstream doctors and therapists have never helped me, alternative medicine has but I'm not sure it could help with this. Maybe it Can but I also fear asking for help and I don't want people to know things about me, I'm here because it's nice and anonymous. Also idk that's another thing, I was asking for help, I've had 3 different therapists in the past year who only helped slightly with little problems, I've been to a homeopath/kineseologist who helped, and I went to an open floor dance course which also helped somewhat. But I think I might have overloaded myself, so I'm not seeing anyone now. I'm so tired, I don't wanna see anybody else, and I hope this sorts itself out but I am Struggling. And it just kinda sucks if I have to consistently have support all the time, maybe I just have never gotten to the root of my problem idk. And I'm tryna convince myself that it's okay to not be Okay all the time, I don't gotta police my thoughts so they're all positive, but also I feel like there's gotta be something between feeling awesome and feeling awful, but I haven't seemed to be able to reach that state
Anyway I'm not sure what I'm asking for here but yeah
Comments
Hey @utgard ,
Thankyou for sharing with us here, it sounds like you've been coping with a lot lately. But firstly, I wanted to say big congrats on graduating school!! That's incredible, and you should feel proud. It's also great to hear that you're feeling a little less stressed without school, and have been motivated to explore creative outlets!
I'm so sorry that you've been having all of these thoughts and feelings lately, this all sounds really confusing and upsetting. It especially sounds really distressing to feel like you have to police your own thoughts, and also to be dealing with gender dysphoria too.
It sounds like you've tried seeking help from a few different avenues - this takes a lot of effort and can also be really confronting, you should feel really proud of this. I totally get what you mean though about feeling like each time you engage with a new health/mental health practitioner that they're only helping a little bit with only one piece of the puzzle. I've had my fair share of horrible and similar experiences navigating the healthcare system too.
I can see that you've mentioned that you're feeling a little unsure right now as to whether you'd like to seek more professional support right now, which is totally fair! If you ever do feel like seeking professional support again, something i'd absolutely reccomend is to look for a GP who has experience working with mental health (specifically OCD!), and also LGBTQ health, but also a therapist who specifically has experience working with people who are trans or queer. These practitioners are hard to find but I promise they do exist! - it's amazing how much more a practitioner who is familiar with your challenges can help than someone who doesn't!
I also really second @Amelia_RO 's suggestion about maybe reaching out to someone in your life who you really trust to talk this through a little more. It's really incredible just how much it can help to have someone in your life who a) knows what you're experiencing, and b) is on your side.
Please be gentle with yourself. I'm thinking of you, and am sending lots of care your way 💗🌷
Also wanted to mention how cool it is that John Lennon is your style icon for hair!!
I forgot to mention I've also been more derealised than usual?? Especially the other day, I was just chilling playing a game and then suddenly I felt intensely like nothing is real and like I could reach through reality if I wanted, and also a little like I wasn't real. So I had a breakdown about that and listened to Strawberry Fields Forever on repeat until I felt better lol. Sometimes I get lower level bursts of that kinda thing
Hey @utgard, welcome back to the community! I'm sorry to hear your mental health has gotten worse after things were going so well. The community is here for you. I'm so glad you can use this space to share what's been going on.
Sounds like you got quite a few things on your mind. I hear you suspect you have been dealing with OCD for a while now. You have mostly been able to manage it, but the thoughts have gotten more intense. I can't imagine how unsettling and exhausting that would be having to police your thoughts all the time. I wonder if theses' any behavior you feel you have to do to calm down those thoughts or is it more the mental policing? I see you have dealt with something similar to this before. Although its disheartening that you have no idea what helped you last time, it shows that you can probably overcome this again.
I can also hear you have been experiencing gender dysphoria - that sounds really confusing and distressing seeing a girl in the mirror when you identify as a boy 😞 I can see you have been trying to make sense of why this is happening and are thinking about whenever having testosterone can help.
I understand you are unsure about whether you should seek professional help right now. It can for sure be scary asking for helping and opening up about these personal things. I can also hear you have tried professional support before and it did not help you that much. I hope opening up here can make you feel more comfortable opening up again to a health professional, as I can really hear how much you are struggling. I wonder if there's anyone in your life you feel most comfortable sharing this with? It can be so hard doing this on our own. I see you have been feeling more derealised - that does sound really scary. This can be sign that something is not quite right, and that you may benefit from more professional support.
Its lovely to hear you are doing more creative things to help you through this tough period. I wonder what sort of creative things you have been doing lately? I wanted to share our OCD article, gender dysphoria article and a derealisation thread as it may support you in making sense of these experiences and give you some extra ideas on how to look after yourself.
I finally wanted to recognise how incredibly strong you are - you have overcome so much! We all have ups and downs with our mental health and its totally okay to feel this way. I will be sending you a check in email shortly so keep an eye out for that 🙂
I hope you take care,
Amelia_RO
