Acceptance that it is difficult

I think it's important to take some time to accept that connecting with people as an autistic person is usually something we're going to struggle with more than neurotypical people seemingly do. And that's ok! When the world is adapted to only suit non-neurodivergent people, it's completely understandable as to why we find these things even more of a struggle! 

It might take some time, but acknowledging that a lot of the social norms that come with meeting, communicating and connecting with others are actually really alien to us can be a helpful first step. In my experience, realising that something that we have always been told is really simple and obvious, is actually really draining and/or distressing, is eye opening. Things like keeping eye contact, knowing when to talk and when to stop, not getting distracted by sensory overwhelms, holding in our stims, not thinking in a black and white manner, forcing ourselves to speak in a certain tone and make appropriate facial reactions, pick up on unspoken rules and nuances - the list is endless. It is completely and utterly understandable that making friends is difficult for a lot of us when we're having to contend with all of the above. Be kind to yourself 💖

Friendships might look different for us

We grow up reading books and watching TV shows/movies of people with big groups of friends that do everything together. And we end up holding ourselves to those same standards, and if we don't achieve the besties goals then we're failing. 

My friendships look very different to what I grew up so desperately thinking I wanted. I've never had a big group of friends who all hang out together, or are constantly sharing the latest gossip on the group chat. It's something I used to get really upset about, but I find it so much easier to connect with people one on one. And because of that, instead of having a group of mutuals, I have really meaningful friendships with people I've genuinely connected with. Quality over quantity is definitely a winner for me! 

Meeting people in ways that work for us

I know a lot of people make life-long friends when they are school, but that certainly wasn't me. I didn't have my first true friend until was nearly 20 (and 16 odd years later she's still my bestie!). You might find you've tried to make friends and school/uni/work and nothing is clicking. Don't worry! Your people are out there, they're just harder to find. We are a bunch of incredible and unique people, and we deserve to have incredible and unique people in our lives too!

How do you find those people? Think about your special interest perhaps, are there any clubs or meet ups where people have the same interest? Does your uni have any events where like minded people might also go to? If meeting in person is not for you, perhaps try online! I CAN Network has a bunch of online meet ups with other autistic people for a range of special interests. Or maybe finding a local Facebook group or similar might work for you. Also, if you prefer having online friendships (as long as you keep yourself safe) that is so valid! Some of my favourite people I've never met in person and only chat to online, and they are just as important to me as my IRL friends 😊

Find other neurodivergent people

I highly recommend finding other neurodivergent people to connect with. I have found it soooo much easier to make friends with fellow autistic and ADHDers. They just get it. They understand why we are the way we are and accept us so much more readily. The joy of a friendship where you can both infodump about your special interest, not worry about having to look them in the eye the whole time, and stim happily together - amazing! 

It's ok if you like being on your own

I feel like there's a lot of pressure from society to always be out and about with other people, that all of your free time should be spent with friends. It's actually ok if you don't want to do that. If you prefer to do things on your own, you don't need to force yourself into sensory overload because of the expectation to be with other people. I adore going on nature walks by myself, I've done a whole bunch of solo-travelling, and I treat myself to a cinema date with myself every so often. Do what makes you happy 😊

Be prepared

You've made a new friend and they've asked to go for a coffee - yay! But you're feeling super anxious and can feel a meltdown/shutdown coming on.

Oh the amount of times I've been here! The social anxiety that comes with actually meeting up with someone even if I'm really excited about it, is so distressing! But, I've learnt some things that can help me. 

- Looking up directions of where I'm going and timings so I don't have to worry about being late or getting lost.

- Looking up the cafe on street view and social media for photos of it so I know what to expect and how to navigate the space.

- Looking up the menu beforehand so I can make sure they have options that work with my sensory food issues and don't get overwhelmed with what to order on the spot. 

- Use earplugs to block out overwhelming background sounds.

- Bring some fidget toys with me that I can use to self-soothe. 

- Remind myself that I can leave at any point if I need to.

- Make sure I have free time afterwards where I can have quiet alone time to recharge

Know your worth

Unfortunately we can experience a lot of people who make us feel like we aren't worthy, but YOU ARE!

Being autistic can be a tough gig in this neurotypical world, but that doesn't change how amazing you actually are. When you feel like noone else is being kind to you, make sure you are always kind to yourself ❤️

Your people are out there, you will find them and they will be so lucky to have you in their lives 🥰