It is 12 am and I don't know what I'm doing. Just staring at my computer screen and not wanting to rest. My brain has been going at a hundred miles an hour lately and I feel as if I can't grab onto anything, the world is just floating past. I don't know how I'll cope when school starts again, it's still 2 weeks till I need to go back and I'm already feeling anxious. I know last year I made so many improvements, but just because I don't avoid things as much because of my anxiety doesn't mean I don't still feel disgusting and ill when I'm in situations where I need to be social. I don't want to contact my counsellor or therapist at the moment as where I live there has been a lot of problems with the fires, so I assume they are already under enough stress themselves, but at the same time I feel I need to talk to someone. My chest is constantly tight and I can't stop grinding my teeth. I am having trouble breathing and have been getting snappy at my family even when I don't want to be, and today for the first time in a long while, I had thoughts of self-harm and suicide. So I am still sitting up at 12 am, unsure of what to do, and just ranting because its the only thing I can.  ... View more

31st of December, New Year's Eve, and I wake up at 6:00 am to my mother looming over my bed 'Quickly, pack the things most precious to you, you can't take too much, we need to evacuate.' It is a mad rush as I grab my smallest sentimental items and shove them into a backpack, before running out my room to help prepare the rest of the house. We leave at 10:20 and arrive at our place of refugee at 10:50, and at this time we hear the news, it is too late for people in our area to leave. There is no electricity, all the shops in town are shut, people walk around aimlessly around their cars looking both tired and dazed, in the distance, towards my home, there is nothing but red. There is nothing I can do but sit in my car and worry since my parents don't want me to leave in case we have to drive further. We spend the whole day watching the sky, it turns orange, red, and then black, before settling into a thick layer of smoke. The radio plays in the background, and fear creeps down my spine as I hear that a town not too far from mine has been completely wiped out by the fires. Eventually, the worst, the fire is moving through my area. Waiting, anxiously waiting is all I can do. Finally, many hours later, we get the news that people are allowed back into my town. Quickly, we get into a line of cars that stretches the horizon, full of people trying to check their house. We get through, and there it is, a wave of relief that my home is standing. It isn't comforting for long though, the fire is supposed to return, we throw beds into the back of the car with some linen, and grab some food from the kitchen, before returning back to where we spent the day. We sleep in the car, though I think lay may be the correct term, for I don't remember sleeping a wink. The next morning when the sunrises, we return home. Nothing feels right, everything is a mess. My parents bury fuel in the backyard, while my sister and I push everything away from the windows to prevent them from heating and catching on fire. We wet our garden and cover sentimental items in the bathtub. After a rush through the house, we get in the car and drive to Sydney, fire is supposed to hit our home again in a few days, everyone is required to evacuate. I cry the whole nine hours there, I grind my teeth for every second of my time during my stay, I break down and I feel ill, and all I want in the world is to go back to a home with electricity, food, and water. I want my routine, I want to wake up in my bed and eat a breakfast I enjoy instead of all my food being bland cereal, toast, and instant noodles. I know there are those worse off than me, those that couldn't leave during the fires, those who lost their houses, those who died, but as a person who lives with anxiety and Asperger's syndrome, this experience has been traumatic and terrifying. Everything that helps me feel safe, my routine, my comfort items, my usual activities and foods, has been taken away. I am lost, and I just want normality, I need it to function. I feel so overwhelmed and tired.   ... View more

Today I...   - Remembered my sleep meds - Ate a chocolate croissant and tried to enjoy it - Ate a calorie surplus despite my brain screaming at me to restrict   Today I didn't...   - Drink enough water - Exercise  - Remember my anxiety meds - Say hi to someone I saw that I knew in town ... View more

I don't know what to do, I feel so awkward and anxioud. Today I went out with a guy that I like as a friend, and he asked me if I'd be ok with holding hands, and i was like haha no, but then later he told me he liked me, and I just kind of laughed it off?? I don't think he knows but like I feel no attraction towards him because I'm a major lesbian, but like I can't keep hanging out with him without making it clear that I don't like him like that. What do, should I just write 'I'm gay' on my forehead next time i see him. Ugh why do I have to be such an awkward socially anxious aspie. ... View more

I am a disappointment To my mother who feels sick to look at me I am a disappointment To my sister who's heart breaks when she hugs me I am a disappointment To my father who rants secretly about me I am a disappointment  To my friends and teachers who see my hallow body I am a disappointment to myself A pathetic, obsessive, stubborn, skeleton of a nobody ... View more

I am going on holiday in one week and I'm so anxious. I have anorexia, and the thought of not being able to control my food scares me. Plus, my family will constantly be on my back about eating, and I won't be able to escape it. How do I enjoy my holiday without worrying about this.  ... View more

Ahhhhh My work experience is in two days and I am LOSING IT I feel so s t r e s s e d ESPECIALLY because of my social anxiety, and I don't even know how I'm going to survive. Anyone have some good tips for coping ? ... View more

I can't do this anymore It has been three years Three years of hiding my ED, of pretending everything is fine, of telling people over and over again that nothing is wrong Three years of obsessing over food, over being scared of eating out, of having an essential eating schedule  Three years of going to doctors to check my weight, three years of fighting with my mum and disappointing her because I can never seem to eat enough I have denied it for so long, doctors and psychologists were suspicious for months and months until they finally believed me. Yet, it is a lie, and I can't tell them after hiding it for so long. My family will despise me, no one will trust me. I'm sick of this, I don't know what to do.  ... View more

In a few months im going away on holidays, and I am terrified. I have ASD, and major parts of that are that I need schedules, consistency, and control in many areas including  morning and nighttime routines, activities, items, and food. I am really worried because I'm holiday I won't be able to have a consistent schedule to follow, I won't be able to bury myself in books and knowledge and I'll have to be in the real world with people, I won't be able to use my fork, my spoon, my cup with my food, and I won't be able to control my foods and have the dishes I like. I can't sit in my spot and close myself away from the world. Everything I do in my day is basically the same as the day before and I like it that way and I'm scared of the change. ... View more

So I have been invited to a birthday dinner for one of the people I go to school with, and I don't know what to do. People are telling me I need to go because it's her birthday and I should be doing it for her because she's my friend, but the thing about having a low self esteem is that I don't believe she would really care or want me there anyway. I HATE social outings with a passion and am t e r r I f I e d of going. Plus, it's an added thing I need to worry about in that I have dietary requirements and NOTHING they serve at the restaurant their going to can even be altered for me to eat. I don't know what to do, Im stuck in a spiral of not wanting to go, feeling guilty, and then wondering why I feel guilty because she won't care.  ... View more

I am so much better. A few months ago, I was self harming every night, I was considering running away, i constantly wanted to die. I started taking anti-depressants, things got better, and I feel happier, less stressed, and have been able to better control my desire to self harm. However, recently I feel like I'm starting to unravel. Thinking about the past, part of me wants to stop taking my meds so I can go back there because it's safer and I deserve it anyway. I want to feel sadder, I deserve all of it. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going to sabotage all my progress. ... View more

One of my biggest triggers for my anxiety is yelling. It makes me feel absolutely ill when people are loud, angry, swearing, etc. because I feel like I've done something wrong. This makes living in my house quite hard. It's not like my family are abusive or anything, but when they're angry they rant, swear and lecture and even if I'm not on the receiving end I feel awful. I don't know what to do because this is their way of letting of steam and I can't expect them to stop. ... View more

I'm a cis f. I wear dresses and skirts, I like 'feminine' things, and I am anything but 'manly', yet I still suffer from what I can best describe as dysphoria. I hate my chest (and I'm very flat chested) and I only wear sports bras and loose clothing because tight shirts and normal bras make them more obvious. I'm also really thin and have short hair, so the rest of my body kinda looks like a boy anyway, and when my hair gets too long I hate it and I'm a bit concious of gaining curves. I literally have no idea what this means, am I fluid, do I just not like being more grown and  'sexual' if that makes sense. Anyone got any ideas?  ... View more

I'm so stupid. I hadn't self harmed for two weeks but today was awful and I couldn't stop myself. It feels like whenever things become stable and I am slowly climbing out of the dark hole I live in, I slip and fall right down to the bottom again. I still have two weeks till I see my counsellor and I have no one to reach out to. I don't know how I'm going to survive. ... View more