Lately, I am in such a bad mood because I am so stressed about going back to school. While my parents are trying to do stuff as a family for the last few days of the holidays, I am so anxious and down that, I really don't feel like going out and doing anything. More so I just want to spend my last few days trying to relax at home before I am back to the constant hell that is school. However, my parents get really annoyed whenever I don't want to go anywhere and have to take it personally as me not wanting to spend time with them. I really don't want to act spoilt or anything, I know they really want to try and have some time out together, but at the same time, it is hard to actually enjoy it when I don't want to be there.  ... View more

It is 12 am and I don't know what I'm doing. Just staring at my computer screen and not wanting to rest. My brain has been going at a hundred miles an hour lately and I feel as if I can't grab onto anything, the world is just floating past. I don't know how I'll cope when school starts again, it's still 2 weeks till I need to go back and I'm already feeling anxious. I know last year I made so many improvements, but just because I don't avoid things as much because of my anxiety doesn't mean I don't still feel disgusting and ill when I'm in situations where I need to be social. I don't want to contact my counsellor or therapist at the moment as where I live there has been a lot of problems with the fires, so I assume they are already under enough stress themselves, but at the same time I feel I need to talk to someone. My chest is constantly tight and I can't stop grinding my teeth. I am having trouble breathing and have been getting snappy at my family even when I don't want to be, and today for the first time in a long while, I had thoughts of self-harm and suicide. So I am still sitting up at 12 am, unsure of what to do, and just ranting because its the only thing I can.  ... View more

31st of December, New Year's Eve, and I wake up at 6:00 am to my mother looming over my bed 'Quickly, pack the things most precious to you, you can't take too much, we need to evacuate.' It is a mad rush as I grab my smallest sentimental items and shove them into a backpack, before running out my room to help prepare the rest of the house. We leave at 10:20 and arrive at our place of refugee at 10:50, and at this time we hear the news, it is too late for people in our area to leave. There is no electricity, all the shops in town are shut, people walk around aimlessly around their cars looking both tired and dazed, in the distance, towards my home, there is nothing but red. There is nothing I can do but sit in my car and worry since my parents don't want me to leave in case we have to drive further. We spend the whole day watching the sky, it turns orange, red, and then black, before settling into a thick layer of smoke. The radio plays in the background, and fear creeps down my spine as I hear that a town not too far from mine has been completely wiped out by the fires. Eventually, the worst, the fire is moving through my area. Waiting, anxiously waiting is all I can do. Finally, many hours later, we get the news that people are allowed back into my town. Quickly, we get into a line of cars that stretches the horizon, full of people trying to check their house. We get through, and there it is, a wave of relief that my home is standing. It isn't comforting for long though, the fire is supposed to return, we throw beds into the back of the car with some linen, and grab some food from the kitchen, before returning back to where we spent the day. We sleep in the car, though I think lay may be the correct term, for I don't remember sleeping a wink. The next morning when the sunrises, we return home. Nothing feels right, everything is a mess. My parents bury fuel in the backyard, while my sister and I push everything away from the windows to prevent them from heating and catching on fire. We wet our garden and cover sentimental items in the bathtub. After a rush through the house, we get in the car and drive to Sydney, fire is supposed to hit our home again in a few days, everyone is required to evacuate. I cry the whole nine hours there, I grind my teeth for every second of my time during my stay, I break down and I feel ill, and all I want in the world is to go back to a home with electricity, food, and water. I want my routine, I want to wake up in my bed and eat a breakfast I enjoy instead of all my food being bland cereal, toast, and instant noodles. I know there are those worse off than me, those that couldn't leave during the fires, those who lost their houses, those who died, but as a person who lives with anxiety and Asperger's syndrome, this experience has been traumatic and terrifying. Everything that helps me feel safe, my routine, my comfort items, my usual activities and foods, has been taken away. I am lost, and I just want normality, I need it to function. I feel so overwhelmed and tired.   ... View more

Today I...   - Remembered my sleep meds - Ate a chocolate croissant and tried to enjoy it - Ate a calorie surplus despite my brain screaming at me to restrict   Today I didn't...   - Drink enough water - Exercise  - Remember my anxiety meds - Say hi to someone I saw that I knew in town ... View more

I don't know what to do, I feel so awkward and anxioud. Today I went out with a guy that I like as a friend, and he asked me if I'd be ok with holding hands, and i was like haha no, but then later he told me he liked me, and I just kind of laughed it off?? I don't think he knows but like I feel no attraction towards him because I'm a major lesbian, but like I can't keep hanging out with him without making it clear that I don't like him like that. What do, should I just write 'I'm gay' on my forehead next time i see him. Ugh why do I have to be such an awkward socially anxious aspie. ... View more