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Blurryphaced
Contributor
since
25-07-2018
13-02-2021
173
Posts
128
Kudos
0
Solutions
10-02-2021
01:28 PM
Three years ago my doctor told me they thought I was neurodivergent. It made so much sense. Why I struggled to make friends, why I couldn't speak when I was anxious, why I had 'weird' eating habits, why existing just felt overwhelming I had an evaluation done by a psychiatrist who agreed. All of a sudden all the hate I had for myself, for being weird, socially awkward, for struggling to just be, left Because I realised I wasn't weak. I was just living in a neurotypical world that wasn't meant for me. But today when I finally went to my psychiatrist asking for them to confirm the diagnosis. They said they disagreed, and they wouldn't do it. And all of a sudden. I couldn't breathe. Because I felt all that hate and confusion and isolation that I had pushed away. Fall back in and suffocate me. And now I don't know what to do because the answer I thought I had. The identity I have been holding on to. Has been ripped away from me.
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02-02-2021
11:03 PM
Currently I am in the middle of getting an autism diagnosis so I suppose that sort of explains why having lunch tomorrow with my year group is freaking me out. New food out of routine + social = bad times. My year coordinator asked about what food I would eat (I am vegan) I said don't worry but he insisted. Now it is tomorrow and I don't know what to do.
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05-01-2021
02:51 PM
I do have a psychologist and counsellor for my anxiety, but talking about this feels really morbid, and possibly also uncomfortable for them?
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03-01-2021
11:55 PM
Recently my parents left me alone while they went on holidays for the first time in my life. It made me realise how much I need them, and that they really are the most important thing in my universe. I've become obsessed with the thought that one day they will die and I will be completely alone, and I don't know how I will survive that because I owe everything to them. I can't stop thinking about it and it is causing me a lot of distress and I am honestly terrified. I don't know what to do because it is inevitable and I can't escape it.
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10-12-2020
10:51 PM
1 Kudo
@sunnygirl606 thank you for your response, I really needed to see that. It does make self-exploration challenging though, what parts of me are masking and what parts are authentic? I find it difficult to distinguish who I actually am.
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08-12-2020
11:58 PM
@Janine-RO Thank you for recommending that thread, I hadn't seen it before and will def stay involved :) I haven't really discussed it with her, I would be unsure how to bring it up and what to actually say. Honestly, recently I've been trying to suppress stimming again because that's the main thing she noticed and was weirded out by, although it's hard when it is often unconscious. Kinda looking forward to moving away for uni so I have that freedom living on my own. I am also really freaking out about Christmas and going away for the holidays, a major part of that being because of the food aspect of the holiday and being expected to eat different things that are often rich in flavour. It kinda makes me sad, my family is 'supportive' up to the point it impacts them, where I need to put myself under intense stress to eat what everyone else eats, make eye contact with people in the family I am not close with, and put up with a lack of structure and routine, all with a smile on my face so they can experience their idealised version of 'family time' where everyone is carefree and happy. They make it seem like every time I give into being myself it is a weakness, and that I should be 'battling' the autism to achieve neurotypical standards, which is difficult when I have no motivation to do so apart from my mother's utter disappointment when I don't.
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06-12-2020
10:40 PM
Hi everyone :) Currently, I am in the middle of getting a diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. I had an assessment done like a year ago and after being involved with a doctor and psychiatrist for a while I am supposed to be getting a proper diagnosis sometime early next year. I thought this would bring me solace, to understand who I am, but I feel like a fake. When I read the stories of other autistic people, I feel connected to them, and yet through my day to day living I feel like there is this voice telling me that I am not 'autistic enough' and that 'maybe I am lying to myself'. To make matters worse, I have started to allow myself to let go of some masking habits at home, and I think it makes my mum also think I could be faking because I never expressed certain struggles before or let myself release stress in a certain way around other people. I really want to try out the 'tangle' stim toy as I do not handle new environments or situations well and since I am moving away from home soon, I need something to keep me grounded in situations that are overwhelming, but again, I am scared about what she will think. I just wish I could be me without people, including myself, making me feel like I can't.
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17-10-2020
07:16 PM
So I started year 12 this term and to celebrate the principal wants to take out my class for lunch. This is a cocktail of my worst nightmares. Firstly, taking the bus there. Everyone is going to be loud and excited and I am going to be FREAKING OUT because of SENSORY OVERLOAD. Then, actually eating. I will need to eat something that I didn't make, that isn't a safe food, and if there are sausages or steak or something like that I probably won't be able to physically eat it without gagging, and even then I don't think I would be able to finish it. Then I will need to talk to people for a solid. three. hours. which is stressful enough on its own. And the whole time people will be sitting around me and seeing what I'm doing. I don't think it is possible for me to make it through all that and not have a meltdown, but my mother is pushing me to go and said that if I don't she is going to stop paying for my tutoring for school and won't help me buy practice UCAT exams. I am feeling already overwhelmed and I'm not even there, I don't know what to do.
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11-10-2020
12:22 AM
3 Kudos
What do you love most about October? The weather starting to get warmer What's your favourite sweet treat? ICE CREAMMM If you had to wear a mask, what would it be? A CDC-approved face mask. Stay safe everyone! What's your favourite cryptic or supernatural creature? Why have a favourite fake creature when you can have a favourite real one! I seriously recommend searching up the leaf sheep, they're a type of sea slug that over their lifetime eat so many algae that they absorb their chloroplasts and gain the ability to photosynthesize! What is your favourite pumpkin recipe? Pumpkin risotto, I eat it all the timeeee. Post a fact about bats? John A. 'Bud' Hillerich invented the Louisville Slugger when Pete Browning broke his bat during a match and Bud offered to make him a new one. How do you feel about Halloween? I love dressing up, but hate trick-or-treating I prefer to play the animal crossing Halloween activities than go out and annoy people for lollies. Do you have a spooky story to share with us? It could be a personal story, a creepy place, a part of history, a book, TV show or film. Spooky story: My school goes back in two days.
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11-10-2020
12:03 AM
1 Kudo
How It Feels to Float is such a good book! It's written by an Australian female and deals with difficult mental health topics really well. Personally, I really identified with the protagonist, and felt the author did a really good job at creating connection to the characters :)
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11-10-2020
12:00 AM
On days where I'm rushed, I usually have a banana and coffee smoothie with protein powder. When I have more time I eat cinnamon and banana porridge :)
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09-10-2020
07:30 PM
@Taylor-RO The problem with doing ANYTHING is that my mother seems to become sort of angry when I bring it up. I tried once before and she just kept trying to brush it off with this look on her face like she was mad. I don't know if it was just in my head but I'm scared of mentioning it again to her, I don't know if she's trying to avoid it because she doesn't want to believe I might have it? I think I could talk to my GP about it, she is very kind and has always tried her best to support me, but I don't know how I'm supposed to talk about it without my parents knowing, and then I don't even know if I would be able to keep any discussion about it confidential or she would have to tell them.
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08-10-2020
08:24 PM
Hi @Taylor-RO I have wanted to try for some time, especially because I move away to university next year and think I would really be saved a LOT of meltdowns and difficult emotions from some of the assistance it would provide me with, such as the possibility of being able to own an emotional support animal, as I have had a dog almost my entire life, and he has helped my mental health so much more than most of my (human) family. Even without that, I wish I knew just for knowings sake, to have clarity, to understand why my needs are different to those around me. I do meet with a psychologist for my anxiety, but I am scared to mention it to her and what she might think of me if I do.
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08-10-2020
05:00 PM
I don't know if it's making me feel better or worse. Even though I feel as if I am sharing their experiences, I fear that in reality I'm not like them, that because I don't have an official diagnosis my struggles aren't as valid, that I may just be being dramatic, that I'm no different to anybody else and everything I have experienced only exists inside my head. And it makes me feel hopeless because I don't know what to do about it and disconnected because I don't know how to express it. I think a sufficient analogy would be being trapped underwater by a layer of ice, and watching people above who are able to breathe.
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08-10-2020
02:30 PM
Thank you @Bre-RO :) I have not been having suicidal thoughts as late, however, I seem to be stuck in the emotions and thoughts as I previously mentioned. I don't know what it is, whether I feel lonely and that is why I have become so obsessed with reading the stories of others, to find some self-validation. It feels weird, but also sad, and sort of lifeless and draining I suppose, like I am confused to what I am and so I don't really feel like me?
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07-10-2020
11:58 PM
3 Kudos
I see myself. When I read the accounts of women, 'They thought I was just shy' 'Girls are supposed to be timid.' I see myself. Within not understanding the distinctions between what is socially acceptable Asking classmates, 'Can I have that piece of paper?' Because I needed that one for no other reason than I that I just did, Even though they were all identical, in colour, size, shape. I see myself. Masking. Screaming at my family that I wanted to die. Because I had wrapped myself in so many layers of false identity, of being what I thought others wanted me to be that I had lost myself. Trying to downplay it, telling them I was just emotional, Still crying myself to sleep. I see myself. Feeling ill when I have to look at someone in the eyes, Crying at sleepovers, Having a meltdown during an interview Being treated for social anxiety. I see myself. Feeling out of control, needing structure and rigidity, In everything. Being treated for an eating disorder. I see myself. Feeling ill with anxiety when people start to get too loud, having a panic attack at the school disco when they used strobe lighting desperately needing to run out of the classroom when the projector is too loud but too afraid to move and be seen. I see myself. In the experiences of autistic girls. Those that weren't diagnosed till they were in their teens. Those that never had their symptoms recognised. Those that were stamped with social anxiety, anorexia, depression. When all those things, stemmed from one, central thing. And in reality, I have been screened for ASD, it came back as that I seem to meet the criteria, and should follow up with a diagnosis. But my family and GP never did. And I know it is only a label. It will really make no difference to who I am, how my life is. But looking at the experiences of other girls, hearing about them I just can't help but cry. Because I feel as if I'm looking at something that could've been written by me. That I am being understood properly for the first time in my life. And so yes, I wish I had a diagnosis Or at least attempted to try and get one (after all that is in a way the entire point, despite the way I feel, I don't know if I actually have autism, and so a part of the validity of my identity seems to be missing) To find some sort of liberation. To know why I find it so difficult to express my emotions that whenever I have to communicate my distress, I write it down rather than speak To know why everyone I know seems to differ from me. And I suppose the big issue is communicating this. For any mention of my screening results seems to create an atmosphere of tension, Although that may just be what I perceive But nevertheless, it makes me uncomfortable And I would be terrified to admit that this is what I want For fear that people would reject what I had to say, call it unimportant, think that I was only looking for attention or just wanted to be 'quirky' And yet, I still search up the articles written by those girls, Read their words, And feel myself enveloped within their experiences and feelings, Because although I don't know what to do, It is impossible to look away, When I so clearly see myself.
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29-09-2020
11:11 PM
I've kept it to myself for so long to myself pretending to be fine. I think if I were to confess she would be absolutely enraged, and I doubt she would let me out of her sight, or maybe even send me to a ED clinic. I can't afford for that to happen, my studies mean so much to me and if my HSC year were to be disrupted I don't know what I would do with myself.
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29-09-2020
10:23 PM
I feel too afraid to confide with anyone. I have made improvements on my own, but I have always shut people out and told them I am fine. I'm scared everyone will hate me and lose faith if I tell them the truth.
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29-09-2020
10:21 PM
I know it's my fault. I am doing a lot better at controlling my intrusive thoughts and doing what is right for my body, but in doing so I have got myself caught in such a web of lies about what I do and don't eat. She can tell I am lying, even if I deny it, and I can't tell her I'm managing it a different way because that just confirms I was lying and she will trust my even less.
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29-09-2020
05:30 PM
I don't know what to do. My mum has become really suspicious of my ED. I have been maintaining weight and aimed to get help after my HSC to reduce extra stress but I feel like it's only am matter of time before she doesn't trust me anymore and I don't know how I'll handle it
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22-08-2020
11:18 PM
1 Kudo
For a long time, I didn't really connect with anyone. I have Asperger's and social anxiety, and at school most of the time I would keep to myself and do schoolwork during breaks. When COVID came around, we weren't allowed in the library at school anymore and so I ended up stuck outside. There is another girl in my class who has anxiety and I ended up spending a lot of time with her since friend dynamics were changing and she also felt lost. I eventually came to feel we were actually friends, but this last week has made me wonder. When she told me about some issues she used to face when she was a child and her anxiety was more controlling, I tried telling her about how I experienced a similar thing, but she just brushed me off and said it wasn't the same. It really hurt, because I find it really hard to be vulnerable, and I feel like she just didn't care. Her friends have also been starting to hang out with her more, and since I don't feel comfortable with them I haven't been spending as much time with her and when I have been I can barely say anything. What makes it worse is that she feels bad about it, and I don't want to be so needy that she feels she has to stay with me. I usually don't care about having friends. or talking to people, and part of me just wants to use it as an opportunity to sever all my connections and just be by myself, but there's also the feeling that I put so much effort into knowing her and that she is a really nice person. I think I would miss her.
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07-03-2020
11:29 PM
1 Kudo
Hi @MB95 I'm surviving. My counselor somewhat suggested it. She told me she didn't know how to help me anymore and that she felt we were not really achieving anything by me coming to see her. I am meeting with her early next week, so I am just going to see how that rolls. School has got me stressed too though, especially Extension Maths, I feel like I'm finding it challenging, and am scared to ask for help since I'm known as the 'smart kid' of my class.
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22-02-2020
08:48 PM
1 Kudo
Thank you for this @MB95 , right now those words are exactly what I need. You are right, I feel terrified at the idea that I am being pushed to be able to cope on my own now. Not only that but my counselor has helped me through some really, really hard things, and seeing her trying to push me away when she is so important to me is awful. I have been seeing her weekly in the past, and this year was going to go to fortnightly, but after our last session, I don't even know if that is possible. I feel like she's trying to hard to make me independent that she can't even hear me anymore. I can try to talk to her about it, but it is hard when I don't even know if she's understanding me at the moment. Plus, I am really bad at telling people that they mean something to me.
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21-02-2020
07:14 PM
Its been a while @MB95 , but yes, I totally agree :) it is SO fascinating ! I am in Year 11 btw, almost at the end 😂 I suppose I'm back here because recently I've been having a really hard time. I've been seeing my counselor for around 3 years now, and I think it's kind of gotten to the point where she doesn't think I should be seeing her anymore, that she's done all she can for me. To be honest I feel really hurt, she has helped me through so much and I feel like she's decided to just push me into the deep end because she's sick of waiting for me to do it myself. I feel so alone, and I have no one I can talk to about it because whenever I used to have a problem I would go to her.
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09-02-2020
08:26 PM
2 Kudos
Hi @MB95, thanks for asking :) The week has been incredibly stressful if I am too be honest. I have been feeling like I'm falling with nothing to grab and hold on to, and like I am out of control of everything that is happening. I hope that once the school routine has been running for a while I will start to feel more at ease. I managed to contact my counselor though, and am scheduling a time to see her on Monday. The fires have been ok as well recently, which is good. Ps. I am hoping to study a biomed or science degree and major in neuroscience, my dream job is a neurologist:)
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31-01-2020
07:30 PM
1 Kudo
Luckily today was okay @Bre-RO , tomorrow is still risky but after that, it is supposed to be okay for a while. Argh I keep procrastinating seeing her and I don't even know if I will be able to even see her before school now or if she'll be busy. I am such a knob. P.S. Has to be either The Only Exception or Hard Times :)
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30-01-2020
11:15 PM
1 Kudo
Thank you @MB95, I am worried about tomorrow since fires are supposed to be bad again, hopefully everything is okay :( I have an ok relationship with my psych I suppose. I'm not as close with her since I've been 2 two others before her whereas I have been talking to my counsellor even before my first psych. I am warming up to her more recently though. I am also kind of uneasy about seeing my counsellor again though for some reason ? I am suspicious that it is just me being nice and self destructive again, but idk? Oo, you're studying ? Where and what? Im in Y11 currently and looking forward to uni but cant choose which to go for! Hopefully Melb, Syd, or Monash ? Ps. I'm pretty into alternative 😊 I love Paramore, Twenty One Pilots, and Panic! At the Disco, plus Hayley Williams new solo music. At the same time, I do like a little bit of 'pop', Hayley Kiyoko, Troye Sivan, and Blackpink are all favs 😆
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27-01-2020
09:38 PM
2 Kudos
Woo! I didn't die today! My sis made me go out and welcome and say goodbye to everyone, but apart from that we went for a walk and stayed away from the party so I pretty much got out of it anyway Thank you for motivating me to get through today, I even managed a second of eye contact, which is really, really hard for me. Yes, I really appreciate and am grateful for my family. They really try to be supportive, its just that (and they've even admitted) they find it hard to understand because they are all very different to me being without social anxiety or Asperger's. I really love them for that. Also, my Maltese has jumped out once before, but not usually, it's actually pretty ironic since he normally hates water. Do you have a dog? I am having a check-up with my psychologist tomorrow. I don't see or connect with her as much as my school counselor, but I might just try get through till school starts by seeing her, since I know things at school are hectic for staff right now as the grounds were impacted by the fires. Ps. I suppose you could call them tunes, I enjoy listening to the Animal Crossing soundtrack haha. Maybe you have some actual song recommendations?
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26-01-2020
09:38 PM
2 Kudos
@MB95 she is my school's counselor, but I still sometimes contact her during the holidays, and she is usually ok with seeing me then as well if she isn't busy and I need it. I've already started 😊 I did my cupboards yesterday and am planning dusting and disinfecting tomorrow at some point It isn't a special occasion really...just a street party to celebrate our houses surviving the fires that came through our area on New Years Eve. I think that fact will sort of help me get out of it since it isn't a birthday or anything, plus I don't know half the people going and barely talk to the ones I do. I think it is going to be more of a sit down thing, so idk how successful I'll be in avoiding it. Unfortunately, I already asked my parents if I could just say I was sick and come out of my room, so I can't really use that excuse 😂 I do have a sis and can relate, it is helpful that she is a lot more social than I am. She sometimes tries to get me engaged in conversations though, apparently she has decided it is 'for my own good' despite being three years younger 😆 And thank u 😊 I do enjoy kayaking, it is nice to be out in nature and I always take my dog and he loves it, today he actually jumped out and tried to go for a swim 😂 the only issue I had was when we were trying to stop for a break next to a Bush and I saw a spider in it, I think my parents wanted to throw me out of the kayak after all my screaming
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Date Registered | 25-07-2018 08:41 PM |
Date Last Visited | 13-02-2021 04:27 AM |
Total Messages Posted | 173 |
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