Three years ago my doctor told me they thought I was neurodivergent.  It made so much sense. Why I struggled to make friends, why I couldn't speak when I was anxious, why I had 'weird' eating habits, why existing just felt overwhelming I had an evaluation done by a psychiatrist who agreed. All of a sudden all the hate I had for myself, for being weird, socially awkward, for struggling to just be, left Because I realised I wasn't weak.  I was just living in a neurotypical world that wasn't meant for me. But today when I finally went to my psychiatrist asking for them to confirm the diagnosis. They said they disagreed, and they wouldn't do it. And all of a sudden. I couldn't breathe.  Because I felt all that hate and confusion and isolation that I had pushed away. Fall back in and suffocate me.  And now I don't know what to do because  the answer I thought I had. The identity I have been holding on to. Has been ripped away from me.      ... View more

Currently I am in the middle of getting an autism diagnosis so I suppose that sort of explains why having lunch tomorrow with my year group is freaking me out. New food out of routine + social = bad times. My year coordinator asked about what food I would eat (I am vegan) I said don't worry but he insisted. Now it is tomorrow and I don't know what to do. ... View more

Recently my parents left me alone while they went on holidays for the first time in my life. It made me realise how much I need them, and that they really are the most important thing in my universe. I've become obsessed with the thought that one day they will die and I will be completely alone, and I don't know how I will survive that because I owe everything to them. I can't stop thinking about it and it is causing me a lot of distress and I am honestly terrified. I don't know what to do because it is inevitable and I can't escape it. ... View more

Hi everyone :) Currently, I am in the middle of getting a diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. I had an assessment done like a year ago and after being involved with a doctor and psychiatrist for a while I am supposed to be getting a proper diagnosis sometime early next year. I thought this would bring me solace, to understand who I am, but I feel like a fake. When I read the stories of other autistic people, I feel connected to them, and yet through my day to day living I feel like there is this voice telling me that I am not 'autistic enough' and that 'maybe I am lying to myself'. To make matters worse, I have started to allow myself to let go of some masking habits at home, and I think it makes my mum also think I could be faking because I never expressed certain struggles before or let myself release stress in a certain way around other people. I really want to try out the 'tangle' stim toy as I do not handle new environments or situations well and since I am moving away from home soon, I need something to keep me grounded in situations that are overwhelming, but again, I am scared about what she will think. I just wish I could be me without people, including myself, making me feel like I can't.  ... View more

So I started year 12 this term and to celebrate the principal wants to take out my class for lunch. This is a cocktail of my worst nightmares. Firstly, taking the bus there. Everyone is going to be loud and excited and I am going to be FREAKING OUT because of SENSORY OVERLOAD. Then,  actually eating. I will need to eat something that I didn't make, that isn't a safe food, and if there are sausages or steak or something like that I probably won't be able to physically eat it without gagging, and even then I don't think I would be able to finish it. Then I will need to talk to people for a solid. three. hours. which is stressful enough on its own. And the whole time people will be sitting around me and seeing what I'm doing. I don't think it is possible for me to make it through all that and not have a meltdown, but my mother is pushing me to go and said that if I don't she is going to stop paying for my tutoring for school and won't help me buy practice UCAT exams. I am feeling already overwhelmed and I'm not even there, I don't know what to do.  ... View more

I see myself. When I read the accounts of women, 'They thought I was just shy' 'Girls are supposed to be timid.' I see myself. Within not understanding the distinctions between what is socially acceptable Asking classmates, 'Can I have that piece of paper?' Because I needed that one for no other reason than I that I just did, Even though they were all identical, in colour, size, shape. I see myself. Masking. Screaming at my family that I wanted to die. Because I had wrapped myself in so many layers of false identity, of being what I thought others wanted me to be that I had lost myself. Trying to downplay it, telling them I was just emotional, Still crying myself to sleep. I see myself. Feeling ill when I have to look at someone in the eyes, Crying at sleepovers, Having a meltdown during an interview Being treated for social anxiety. I see myself. Feeling out of control, needing structure and rigidity,  In everything. Being treated for an eating disorder. I see myself. Feeling ill with anxiety when people start to get too loud, having a panic attack at the school disco when they used strobe lighting desperately needing to run out of the classroom when the projector is too loud but too afraid to move and be seen. I see myself. In the experiences of autistic girls. Those that weren't diagnosed till they were in their teens. Those that never had their symptoms recognised. Those that were stamped with social anxiety, anorexia, depression. When all those things,  stemmed from one, central thing. And in reality, I have been screened for ASD,  it came back as that I seem to meet the criteria, and should follow up with a diagnosis. But my family and GP never did. And I know it is only a label. It will really make no difference to who I am, how my life is. But looking at the experiences of other girls, hearing about them I just can't help but cry. Because I feel as if I'm looking at something that could've been written by me. That I am being understood properly for the first time in my life. And so yes, I wish I had a diagnosis  Or at least attempted to try and get one (after all that is in a way the entire point, despite the way I feel, I don't know if I actually have autism, and so a part of the validity of my identity seems to be missing) To find some sort of liberation. To know why I find it so difficult to express my emotions that whenever I have to communicate my distress, I write it down rather than speak To know why everyone I know seems to differ from me. And I suppose the big issue is communicating this. For any mention of my screening results seems to create an atmosphere of tension, Although that may just be what I perceive But nevertheless, it makes me uncomfortable And I would be terrified to admit that this is what I want For fear that people would reject what I had to say, call it unimportant, think that I was only looking for attention or just wanted to be 'quirky' And yet, I still search up the articles written by those girls, Read their words, And feel myself enveloped within their experiences and feelings, Because although I don't know what to do, It is impossible to look away, When I so clearly see myself.       ... View more

I don't know what to do. My mum has become really suspicious of my ED. I have been maintaining weight and aimed to get help after my HSC to reduce extra stress but I feel like it's only am matter of time before she doesn't trust me anymore and I don't know how I'll handle it ... View more

For a long time, I didn't really connect with anyone. I have Asperger's and social anxiety, and at school most of the time I would keep to myself and do schoolwork during breaks. When COVID came around, we weren't allowed in the library at school anymore and so I ended up stuck outside. There is another girl in my class who has anxiety and I ended up spending a lot of time with her since friend dynamics were changing and she also felt lost. I eventually came to feel we were actually friends, but this last week has made me wonder. When she told me about some issues she used to face when she was a child and her anxiety was more controlling, I tried telling her about how I experienced a similar thing, but she just brushed me off and said it wasn't the same. It really hurt, because I find it really hard to be vulnerable, and I feel like she just didn't care. Her friends have also been starting to hang out with her more, and since I don't feel comfortable with them I haven't been spending as much time with her and when I have been I can barely say anything. What makes it worse is that she feels bad about it, and I don't want to be so needy that she feels she has to stay with me. I usually don't care about having friends. or talking to people, and part of me just wants to use it as an opportunity to sever all my connections and just be by myself, but there's also the feeling that I put so much effort into knowing her and that she is a really nice person. I think I would miss her. ... View more