Hi there, I did have a chance to read through your post and i really appreciate the support network you are providing me with and helpful advice:) I may use these networks when i am having a particularly bad day. I understand it is not great to self-diagnose without a professional but from a lot of research i think i have narrowed my search down. However i may be completely incorrect who knows. The thing is, i don't particularly enjoy hearing that it is 'ok' to question and not accept labels and the like, because it generally triggers my symptoms more as in my mind it is not 'ok' for me. I may be criticized for this opinion but i believe it is an opinion that should be equally accepted. I think it is ok to question but i have no desire to be anything other than straight, which fuels the fire of what i am going through, as well as the fact that the thoughts/constant questioning distress me so i really just want to stop questioning at this point. However hard that may be for me at this point, considering my mental well-being:(   However, i would like to say that today (well, technically yesterday because it is 1:50 in the morning) i had a pretty good day compared to other ones. Of course the thoughts popped up but very rarely throughout the day. So i guess that's a positive :) I think it is because i am able to express my feelings on this forum and receive feedback and opinions, so i really appreciate all who have contributed to this page to help not only myself, but others who are going through the same kind of thing, professionally diagnosed or not.    I will try and give updates on how i am going when i can, and maybe try some of the websites and helplines suggested :) ... View more

Hello everyone, i am a 17 year old female and this is my first time on a mental health forum so excuse me for the very long explanation. I have been bottling it up for quite a while now and dealing with my health problems by myself, so i thought it was time to talk about what is happening to me. Here we go.   At the beginning of last year (when i was 15), my best friend came out as gay to me over text, and this was a massive shock as i had never really suspected it. At first i was happy for her but it soon sunk in what it really meant to be that and i began to question myself as a result of this. I have always been straight, always had crushes on boys in primary school before heading to an all girls school in high school where i never developed any feelings for anyone and boys were scarce. However following her coming out, it sent me into a spiral of questioning and worry that i might be what she is. And i have no idea if i have made this up or not but i also have a feeling i may have started the questioning/doubting a few days before which freaks me out more. I am from quite a conservative family so i hadn't encountered anything like this before and i had never questioned myself.   Anyway, my condition did not improve and then another somewhat friend of mine came out as bi and did not help my condition. I tried to tell myself i wasn't what they were, though i kept having to check and check over and over again even when i told myself i wasn't. I began to avoid my friends and avoided both people who had come out to me. i didn't speak to either of the girls who came out to me for months, even though i had had a 10 year best friend relationship with one. I forced myself to think thoughts of being gay or bi and i hated doing so and i was repulsed by them, though i kept doing it due to the impending 'what if' in my mind. And if i didn't feel anything towards those thoughts or i felt horny that day anyway from whatever and felt even the slightest tingle of anything 'down there' i would convince myself i must be gay or bi. This soon developed into panic attacks alone in my room where i would cry because i just wanted to go back to normal and not think these thoughts.   After a few months of this, i decided to make an appointment with the school Councillor. This did not help my situation at all and if anything made it worse. I was very reluctant to talk to her and i felt ashamed at what i was going through and didn't want to tell anyone. I don't remember much of what she said i just remember it did not help. I soon began to associate lyrics of my favorite songs and books with being gay or bi, so i would avoid listening to the songs because they reminded me of what i was going through and i felt like they would make me accept being something i was not. I tried to tell my parents and they reassured me that i was not that and that parents can usually tell from an early age if their child was like that. My friends did not understand either. I began to look at other women on the street and look at them to decide whether i was attracted or not. it was taking over my life. I diagnosed myself with HOCD though i refused to get help as i didn't want to think about it.   After a few months, whenever those thoughts popped into my head, i immediately thought 'no' to stop it from going any further. This helped and fast forward a few months I barely had thoughts regarding this. Life went back to the way it was. I even developed a crush on a guy i met at a friends party which lasted for about 7 months before depressing rejection (rip). I tried not to avoid those who i thought were gay or bi and talked to my friend a little more and let her know what i was going through. She said shed gone through the exact same thing but the opposite way around which i found kind of ironic. I also developed an unhealthy obsession with Kpop, as it was music i could listen to and enjoy without understanding the lyrics that would trigger my symptoms. Life was back to normal. Or for a few months at least.   I began my preliminary year 11 year with a bang, acing and enjoying most of my subjects. I was also becoming really good friends with a guy i treasure immensely to this day. However, my HOCD symptoms soon began to come back, though this time in small doses. I began to subconsciously do what i did last year. I would look at women's chests to see if i was aroused or not and the like. Though i didn't really notice myself doing so and i still found men attractive. I also had a celebrity crush on a gorgeous and handsome male kpop star. Still do. However recently this has become worse because i have noticed myself doing so. I have been linking it to past experiences as well. The friend i was becoming close with told me he liked me and i realized i kind of had feelings back. So one day we started cuddling, no kissing or anything like that. Though afterwards i felt really unsure about it and i put it down to not being ready for anything. Though now i am linking it back to feeling how i am now and wondering if i didnt want it because i might be something else. I am again forcing myself to think thoughts and i again don't really want to think them. And at the moment (tmi but its important) i am on my period so im a bit horny and feel sensitive down there, and this did not help my thinking at all. If i was thinking thoughts and feeling sensitive at the same time i put it down to i must be something other than what i have always been. And although i think about being with my guy friend when he does anything touchy feely i get freaked out. I dont want to think like this and i dont want to question whether it is HOCD or not but i am.   So long story short, your opinions would be really helpful on this. Is it the remnants of HOCD re-emerging or something else?   I apologize for the long post, i just needed to get it all out for a better understanding.     ... View more