Hey. I don’t really wanna use my real name here atm. But I literally just joined and well I’ve always had this thought in the back of my mind of joining a forum and so I guess I did it. I’m here to see if I’m the only one who feels the way I feel essentially and I’m keen on making some friends and whatever there is if possible.   To start, call me S for now. I just turned 17 on the 14th and I’m a high school student and about to finish my first term of my Year 12 HSC course. I’m an emotionally sensitive guy and I overthink about everything lol. Essentially I’m here ‘cause...well im pretty lonely. Idk. I have so many great friends but I’m lonely in another aspect. Im well...gay. It’s not exactly comfortable for me to say that you see... I’m only out to my school and anybody relevant but no my family, except for my aunty. I go to a public school, in year 9 I moved there from a religious school (another story lol) because of some other related complications. When I moved to my new school, there was never any “out” gay guys and everyone wasn’t exactly comfortable with the idea. So I was picked on, called every name in the book and within a day of going there, everyone knew who I was. I liked a dude, that spread and high school goes (sadly) and now that guy who was once my mate doesn’t talk to me. (Just a scope of how it is here). I was once, at that stage in year 9...well...annoying. Annoying in the sense that I had no place to fit in so I roamed around and shouted my sexuality or anything relevant to it at whatever chance I could. I walked, talked and acted a certain way. Thinking that it was the way to go and I could fit in that’s way now after two ears of toning down I’ve found my foundation and I know who I am I guess and I’m not that overly feminine guy.  I have so many incredible friends who have been there for me through everything, my overly feminine phase and all. But idk I feel like everyone’s only there for me because they have to be or something like that and plus...since all the drama happened/happens (still get names and called out on occasions) I’ve had my guard up...and my guard is up because since there’s no one else gay at this school (one other, tried, he’s not my cup of tea) that I could connect with and having an unrealistic lust for someone I can’t have is more painful that having to understand the empty cycle i’m in. Every time I feel attracted to someone, I feel so fucking sad. Simply because I know that it would never be a reality to be with whoever that person is. It’s like every single day I walk into those gates and all that I feel is that constant pain of wanting something so much that you know you’ll never have. I know there’s someone for everyone apparently, but I’m finding so hard to go through this struggle. I’m really empty inside since my guard is up. I’m trying to focus on the things I love like Music but everything is falling victim to  the sad downfall. I see all my friends, sometimes even someone I’m attracted to, in relationships and stuff and I feel left out. It’s not that I want a relationship, but it’s just that I know that that whenever I feel something for someone it will never happen. Wanting someone so bad that you’ll never have them...it’s painful. On top of all that. I don’t think I’m entirely comfortable with being gay...at all. I feel like I have a disease or there’s something wrong with me. Like I’m incomplete or I’m not at all intended to be this way. Nobody really knows this which is I guess why I’m here. But I’m trying to hide that fact from anybody by acting with this really gay persona (if you will) which distracts from thinking about purposely hiding (it’s become a natural progression). At school, I’m known for being really open and loud and idk what else but you get the idea. Do you think it’s possible to end this? It’s getting tiring. I feel like I’m falling, into an endless pit and can’t get myself out. I just need to feel the exact opposite of everything above one day. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I feel so fucking empty. I hope to just feel even a tad supported and make some friends here. Don’t get me wrong I love all the people who love and support me at my school so much and I would trade them for anything. But I don’t feel like anyone understands me. Since I don’t know of any similar gays like me in my area. I don’t wanna have this overly gay persona anyone and I wanna know if maybe I could just stop it somehow (because it’s not really me I don’t think...) without constantly being sad.   If you read this entire thing, thank you so much. Sorry if there’s any typos. If you felt offended by anything I said I am sorry, as this was not my intention. Please forgive me. This is my first post and I’m new to this.   S ... View more