I won’t go into specifics but just when I thought things were going along ok, it just, boom, nope.  Classic.  I feel pretty sick about this situation right now.  What a fuck up this has all become.  It’s not even me that did anything but now I’m stuck with all the responsibility    ... View more

Hey all, I haven’t been on much at all in the last few months, i’ve got to be honest here my mental health has improved significantly since the beginning of the year so my priorities have kind of changed from access various services with the goal of becoming stable and well, to now keeping well and maintaining all those good things I have in my life... I’m just checking in to share what’s happening for me and like I said I haven’t really been on much so I’d love to hear what everyone has been up to... please share!! I miss some of the chats i’d have on here with the crew    For me, i’m living in walking distance to my favourite surf beach with my partner and brother, who’s doing real well now including working almost full time.    In Hobart typing this as i’ve been away exploring wonderful Tasmania doing some camping, hiking and kayaking with a mate, pretty fun trip not knowing where we would be staying each night, setting up camp or ending up in a hostel in the middle of nowhere   I have my wonderful non blood related family (mentors) who treat me like one of their own    On weekends I sometimes get to hang out with the small children in my “family” who call me uncle J and they crack me up, currently teaching biggest grub how to skate.    In contact with my mob up north    For the first time in my life, I’m feeling 24, well I’ve never been 24 before, only for like 5 months, but you know what I mean, like I feel normal.  I’m not carrying the burden of responsiblity that comes with raising your siblings or dealing with crippling mental illness.    My life isn’t all roses don’t get me wrong but I think I’m at a place I should be and that feels pretty good.  It was weird for a bit - I was like hold on... this is weird, I feel OK and things seem to be going along ok right now, wow that’s weird, I was kind of expecting things to take a nose dive, then a week passed, and then two weeks, I was like hey I haven’t had a panic attack in a while, then I got to a month, I mean I’m not 100% “cured” but yeah I’m definitely functioning better than I have in years.      What’s everyone been up to?    PS I love this meme           ... View more

I feel sad, just really really sad, and I have nobody to talk to  ... View more

Today my brother and I went up to Melbourne to see Mum, who we both haven’t seen her in a long time, probably longer for him than me me.  I don’t know how to put this so I am going to take my time and simplify it real good.. We arranged this ages ago and went to where she frequents, obviously when she was “well” she was relatively happy to arrange to see us both. Mum is a lot more unwell that I have EVER seen her. She screamed at me and told me I hurt her unborn child, (not true) and I don’t even know if that unborn child existed or maybe just in her head. She screamed fucking fuck off to us and its like we weren’t even related to her or recognised either of us, but somehow still made the link between me and apparent unborn child.  It was really scary because she can be so unpredictable but I still thought she would at least say hi. I’m not sure what I wanted to get out of the visit but I think I just wanted to see her and make sure she was ok after all this time and after all the pain, deep down I do miss her and I want her to be alright, and I wanted so badly to see her and hope she had turned things around but it seems like it is just getting worse. All it did was make me worried. I used to say I hated her and I wished she was dead but now I just want more than ever for her to be ok and to stop living the life we had to witness today where she can’t even crack a smile or say hello to her own sons. only a few years ago she was wanting to have her kids back now it seems like she isn’t even coherent.  I feel like a bit of me is broken tonight.  I’m so sad. That didn’t turn out like I planned or hoped.  I know people will think it’s weird and im too old for this shit but I just want a hug from my Mum that’s all I have ever wanted and it’s never been in reach but it’s definifely even further away than it was before. Just a hug. I don’t expect her to say she loves me but just a hug.  😞 ... View more