@Bananatime04 Okay... if you say so... I’m doing okay, I’m just a bit tired... I passed out again during my camp, but we were literally just watching one of the leaders make other leaders complete challenges or get eliminated. It was hilarious, I wish you could have joined... Although... that particular thing we were watching might have triggered you.. That was our second session. Our first one, was whole camp notices and games, and then small groups, and then it was time for our electives. I chose to do drawing, and it looks pretty good! The leader that was running it, taught us perspective and depth! I learned how to draw in that way, so I got something out of it! You’ve seen some of my art, so you know that I draw anime and cartoon-like characters instead of drawing landscapes with depth. :) Anyways, how are you going this morning? I can chat again at 3 today, but I will still try and look here in between breaks. ... View more

Aw, thanks @lost_Space_Explorer5! It’s a Girl, but Guardian angel works too! Your turn! :D ... View more

Did what @Bananatime04? I'm here for you. ... View more

G     Is             For..... Humans are nature... right?   ... View more

Hey @Bananatime04. I’m so sorry I left last night, I suddenly passed out without any warning... I’m okay now, don’t worry about it. :) I know how hard it is, feeling like you have to wake up to the same sadness everyday. I still do, just like you. And because I’m still learning to understand my own sadness, I cannot help you properly. But because we are still learning, we can share our experiences, and see what helps us. Aw, I’m sorry that you’re going to the hospital. <3 I think it will be a good idea to try to go and stay for at least one day. Who knows, it might help you a little bit! But I’m not going to force you to do anything. No, you will not be getting there faster either. Please don’t do that! I’m here again if you want to talk, but I’m giving you warning that I’m on a camp nearly all day. It’s virtual, which I’ll be doing from home. :) But I’ll try and check back in, after the first session. ... View more

I'm here to talk to you tonight @Bananatime04. That's why I'm here. I'll have to ask Tiny_leaf about it then. :) ... View more

@Bananatime04 I'm here if you need. I don't know how that would work... What do you need to do to see a camhs person? Haha, well you can't really do that anyway. :) ... View more

@Bananatime04 yeah... its really does... I have already tried telling them that what I said was not how meant to say it, and told them reasons why it wasn't true, but they just don't listen. I don't actually know if they will or not... My leaders said that they have to tell the youth pastor, who will then make the decision if it needs to be reported. I told my leaders that if they do report it to the youth pastor, that they should mention that I don't want my parents told, and that I would like to talk to him before he does anything else. I don't know what's happening yet, I haven't been texted again from those leaders... and I haven't got a clue if my parents know yet or not either... Aw, thank you. :) I have a plan on how to talk to someone, and my leaders know about it, but it still didn't change their minds. I just don't want my parents to know... Anyone else can know, just not them or anyone that associates with them in that way. They've tried so many times to get me help, which didn't end up helping at all. And the last time I spoke to my leaders at my last youth group about this sort of thing, my parents got mad at me for not telling them, instead of the leaders. It hurt, and they felt ashamed of me. and now, if they find out that I've done the same thing again, they'll be disappointed and I don't want to go through that pain anymore. But this is your thread. I'll put an update on my thread after dinner. ... View more

NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!! @lokifish REALLY??!! We must stop time! :P ... View more

@Bananatime04 I get what you mean. We did talk a lot, but now we are a bit quiet. I honestly could be better, for the reason of something happening last night, and I no longer have control over it. I'm safe, and its 'for my safety'. At least thats what my leaders are saying. I stated to them that my drawings are the way I hurt myself, and then they've gone and said that they have to report it. What i later told them, was that I was very distressed, and misworded what I said. But they still won't listen. So I guess I'm a bit sad and feeling a bit ashamed of myself right now. But I'm here to talk about more things that don't trigger you, if you want! :) ... View more

I’m here still @Bananatime04. I just haven’t been logging in. If you want to chat, feel free to tag me and I’ll log in and chat. Do you want to talk to me about anything? ... View more

@Bananatime04 it's okay. I'm just glad that you're here. I have to keep watching the movie now, but I'll talk more tomorrow. At least, when I get the chance. ... View more

@Andrea-RO Yeah... I hope the letter will reveal that I'm not okay. I just need to choose which person I want to give my letter to, and if they would have to report what's happening or not. I don't not take care of myself on purpose, because my parents would be extremely worried if I kept passing out all the time. If I didn't do any self care, like doing fun things and stuff, that's what I do. I don't do self-care in that form. Sometimes I don't eat enough, or drink enough water. But that's not intentional, most of the time. Normally it'll be because I was busy or something. Yeah... I figured that a lot of people are caught up in their own lives. But I'm also scared of what it will take to prove that I need help. Or at least that I need to see someone about the problem... The only other thing I could do, is let my sleeves on my jumper stay up, and let anyone who sees my wrists read what I wrote... But I don't have the guts to do that.. Last night was okay. It was cold this morning though! I didn't want to get up it was that cold! I love my minky blankets! ... View more

@lost_Space_Explorer5 it's okay, you aren't telling me in the way I hate. I didn't exactly mean like that, but I have no way of actually hurting myself. At least, not in that way. I feel that others are more important than me, because of my past school. Other kids were "more important" or had "worse problems" than me. Even when I was probably about to try to commit... despite not ever being able to scratch myself on purpose. I guess that's why I feel like I'm not valid in any situation, even though I'm so tired of being the strong one, for everyone. Thanks for the link, even if I already know the core symptoms and additional symptoms, I'm still curious. Right now, I just want to go and curl up in nest if blankets and cry. I just feel so bad right now... I'm watching the Hobbit atm, but when it's finished, I'm going to go to sleep. I don't know how much longer I can keep going with this hiding my feelings... ... View more

FROG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll have my turn tomorrow.. I need to go to bed. Unless anyone else wants to have a go, but I'll guess again tomorrow! ... View more

Haha, yes, I will! :P :D @lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah... its kinda bad atm... I haven't tried that before, but in a way, I would then feel guilty for making little me see what I do now, and then when I comfort her, I feel bad and ashamed of myself for saying or doing those things, and it just goes on and on in a cycle of shame and sadness... I like the idea of it though. its a good way to imagine what decisions can be made about some things... yeah... I know that... Its not fun. I know that you think I'll end up getting worse and worse with this sort of stuff, but I don't think I' depressed enough to actually hurt myself. The worst harm I could do to myself, is purposely not taking good enough care of my body. Especially because of my health condition. But you're right, people can get worse, but I'm hoping that I can get that letter I'm gonna write tomorrow, to someone soon. Maybe to my youth leader, or I'll wait until I'm at school to get it delivered to a particular teacher. If that doesn't prove that I need help enough, then I don't know what will apart from purposely letting the writing on my wrists show for others to see... I promise I'll be safe, okay? I know how hard it is to recover, and I promise I won't physically harm myself in that way. Haha, yeah they would be! I actually called my mum before, asking when she thought she'd be home. I ended up telling here that we'd be in the lounge room, but to act surprised if my siblings are still awake by then. I'm glad I could do this, though. I'm too lazy to move my blankets until tomorrow... (¬‿¬) ... View more

@Taylor-RO yeah... Its not very easy right now... Well... it depends on what you mean by 'the same mistake'. Do you mean the beating myself up BECAUSE of the mistake, or just making a small mistake in general? I haven't really been able to think of it like that. I can, but I also get the guilty feeling of being selfish, if I think about how I would tell a friend what I would d in that situation... If that makes sense? I can't quite word it properly... I wanted to call my leader, but she's probably asleep by now... I texted her a little while ago, asking if she was available, but I haven't gotten a response... I'll just cope with my sadness as it is right now... even if it means drawing/writing on myself or on paper... Haha, yeah. My parents don't mind, and the youngest 2 kids are asleep. My youngest sister was crying a bit, so I took her to my mum's room, and cuddled her for a bit, then she went and got a drink and went back to her make-shift bed in the lounge room. Now they're both asleep, and my other to siblings and I are staying up for a bit longer until my parents come home. I don't know why, but I feel really sad right now... my leader didn't respond to me, and I'm literally about to go and get my black permanent marker to write things on my body... As if it wasn't hard enough to get the marker off my body in the first place... ... View more

Yup! ... View more

Haha! @lost_Space_Explorer5 Yes! Eucalyptus leaves! ... View more

E         Is                    For...........   ... View more

Sorry guys! I completely forgot about my turn! I’ll go now! :) Nice drawing @roseisnotaplant! ... View more

Haha, yeah! It’s really good! I don’t actually know... maybe they’ll just do a ‘Just Dance’ kind of thing, and play that, while we dance our best to those moves? Idk... :P It will be cool though, I can’t wait to get started with it! YES! Oversized hoodies and lollies are the necessities of life! ;) :P Yeah, philosophy was good, and I’m glad I did it too! It has perks for all subjects, but I think its only some schools that do it... My school is an independent public school, and a lot of public schools don’t do it. My last school didn’t, that’s for sure! Hehe... :P I’m still not the best physically or mentally, mainly because even the smallest thing I do wrong, makes me feel horrible about myself. And I don’t get in trouble or anything for the small mistakes, but its me that makes it seem like a punishment... The sleepover was okay, but my house is just a bit boring... Even though it was good to be a little bit bored! I did get some sleep, I was up until midnight, which I rarely do, and was in a deep sleep by 12:30. :) My friend has gone home now, but I’m glad I could finally see her after so long. :) I just wish I could feel okay again... I want to call a leader, but I’ve already spoken to one yesterday. Although, I could call my other one. She might be available now... I guess my feelings are getting to the point where I am drawing some pretty bad things. Things like suicide and self-harm, basically my worse form of self-harm drawing, instead of my writing on my wrists. The other thing is, that I’m now writing on myself in different places. My thighs, my wrists, and even down the side of my calves... I think I’m getting worse... I am safe still, but my mental state is not very good at all... Tonight, all of my siblings and I are sleeping in the lounge room, but I still can’t feel like I’m okay... My parents are out at a dinner with some of their church friends, and won’t be back for a while. So we are surprising them with our sleeping arrangements, hopefully they don’t get mad at us... ... View more

Haha @lost_Space_Explorer5 lol! Yeah, i love ding those sorts of things, But I haven't been able to do them all in one place! So I'm going to do that camp, which should be good. :) With the hoodie, I got a small packet of lollies, and a note fro the leaders too! The note said that the leaders were looking forward to seeing me at the camp, and that they hope I received the camp essential okay. I love that they said camp essentials, because it was only a bag of lollies and the hoodie! :P The camp is called Winter S.M.A.D.D., and those letter stand for Song, Music, Art, Dance, and Drama. Its going to be awesome, even though it would be a lot better at the actual venue for the week... :) I can definitely post some pics of some stuff I make! I'm just not sure how much art there will be, because there's one day for each elective. :) Okay, I'll see if I can write that letter soon. Its all good, I tend to feel silly sometimes as well. Haha, its a good explanation! I did a semester of philosophy last semester, but its compulsory, so I didn't get a choice. Its a good subject though! I might do it next year, when I choose my subjects... :) You don't have to tone anything down, but you might be getting a bit overexcited there! :P ... View more

@Sophia-RO all good. I know I can share a little bit of what I've been feeling here, but I still don't share my thoughts... I still don't believe that I deserve help... haha, yeah. I haven't had a sleepover in forever! We're just watching some sailor moon, seeing as I've never seen it before. yeah. Hopefully I can pass it on to ho needs to read it... ... View more

@lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah... I hope I can figure it out some time soon... Haha, not quite the fire camp. Lol! I basically do it over Zoom, where we just do the activities that we normally would do, like the art and drama and music side of the camp. Haha, I love big baggy hoodies, particularly black ones. And I want to get an Oodie, which I'd love to wear to bed all the time... :P yeah... I guess I am like that... I'll definitely write that letter, but it still depends on how I feel, in order to get it delivered to the person I want to read it... ... View more

@Bananatime04 Its okay. I know how hard it has been for you, with all of this stuff happening and I honestly have done the same things too. I've been so selfish to some people in my life too. Thank you so so much for staying though. I really, really appreciate it. And like I have said before, you are allowed to take breaks from the forums, I just couldn't cope if it was forever. You do not need to be forgiven. It's something that you need to do for yourself. I know that I still haven't forgiven myself yet either. but I know that if you forgive yourself, you will feel so much better. @lost_Space_Explorer5 is right, I'm not upset with you, I'm relieved that you're back. Please don't hate on yourself just because of an unconfirmed decision. If it helps you feel better, I already forgave you. Now you just need to forgive yourself. ... View more

@lost_Space_Explorer5 I'm not very good atm... I'm heart broken, and my mental state is not looking very good either. I don't know why, but I just feel like I can't get it off my chest. And its holding me back from getting help, and from telling my leaders what I need to tell them... Yeah... we have been very close. I just hope that everything can get back to normal again, or at least as close to normal as we can, with our new problems from the past pain we have and are still suffering... I have a friend over tonight, and she's had some problems with her family. I'm glad I could be a good friend, and give her a change of scenery from her current living arrangements. We'll watch a movie soon, or set up our beds. I got my camp hoodie today, so I'm enjoying it too. Its huge, so I like it a lot. I'm doing a virtual camp, so it will happen over zoom, and the hoodie is just a part of the camp fun. :) I'll do a full update on how I'm feeling soon, I just need to respond to Bananatime04's post. ... View more

@Andrea-RO yeah... That's normally how people who give are like. I'm definitely like that... Except for the fact that I have always needed help, I just hated being the one needing it. Especially because I wanted to be the strong one, so that I wouldn't make anyone else sad or heavy their burdens with my problems. Little did I know, I was making my burden too heavy, and now look where its left me... I do have a few people I'm willing to talk to, but I don't know if I can actually tell them whats wrong. Whenever I get the chance to tell them, like when my leaders do a check-in facetime call, I then feel like they are happy as they are, an don't need my problems to ruin their day. I just don't understand why I feel that way... I think I might write a letter to someone, and tell them through that letter, that I need to see someone. I haven't thought it through thoroughly yet, but hopefully, I can get the message across that I'm not okay and need help. Even if I feel like I don't deserve it. ... View more

I think I need to leave now... Its getting late, and I still need to shower and finish writing out these quotes I found... I'm going to get too emotional if I stay here tonight. Thank you to everyone who has supported me tonight, I'll check-in again tomorrow morning... ... View more

@Andrea-RO yeah... I don't really have any strategies for when that happens... I just let it play in my head for so long, and then it stops after a while, so that I can focus on other things... Or I just focus on my schoolwork, but sometimes that doesn't work. I'll end up silently crying while working sometimes... Yeah... I'm definitely one of those people... I don't know why, but even letting people know how I feel or saying that I'm not my best, is like burdening them with the knowledge that I exist... The only people I do tell, are my youth leaders... and even then, I don't say much... I tend to just let them take over the conversations... ... View more