Ooh! ME! ME! ME! ME! :D Can someone please tag me into this when it starts? Its a school night, but I wish to join if I remember it! :) ... View more

@Bananatime04 that's so useful! I'll have to try that for both acne and SH scars! ... View more

@Tiny_leaf thank you! :P Yeah, they really aren't... I thought that too, but on the fact sheet that I refer too as my diagnosis, it says that syncope/fainting can also happen. Its quite interesting, so I just add the syncope part on the end, so people know I mainly faint, rather than have seizures. Have you got any websites that might explore FND more? I'm very curious about all the different conditions and stuff... :P @MaryRO yup! Its only taken 3 years and many referrals, but its a step in the right direction! ... View more

@Hozzles that really sucks that nothing is apparently showing up... I mean, I was in a similar situation, but with nothing showing up on my tests meant that there was literally nothing wrong with me. The only abnormality I had with my CT scan, was my heart having a weird artery that causes abnormal heartbeats. But we figured that was okay, considering that my cardiologist wrote me off and said it was nothing to worry about. Good news, I finally have a diagnosis to my fainting! @Tiny_leaf I've got a form of FND as well! It's only dissociative seizures/syncope, but I'm pretty sure its a form of FND. Its caused from not having an outlet of stress and emotional overload. I'm not surprised, because I bottle everything up, no matter what it is! I have a snap towel, which I think is the same as a cooling scarf. You just wet it, with whatever temperature water, wring it out, then snap it/whip it, and place it on your neck or wherever needs cooling. But I could be wrong... ... View more

I'll bear this information in mind, too, seeing as it won't be long before I can become a builder too! :D ... View more

@Hannah-RO I'm doing better, but my episodes seem to be giving me the vibe that I don't want to be in my life. That it's my way of escaping my current reality. My diagnosis is a form of FND, But its dissociative seizures/syncope. It doesn't cause any damage to my brain, the only injuries I will sustain would be from falling suddenly or potentially dangerous surroundings. anyways, it's essentially caused by all the stress, emotional overload, and intrusive thoughts that I internalise so much. From bottling all these things up, my body has no way of letting it out. So it decides to shut down and wait for a bit, no matter what length of time, and let it out that way. Which is why I need to see a psych about it, so we can find ways to manage it and even prevent them from happening. But because of how toxic and hard my life has been these past few weeks, I've had longer and more worrying episodes. This just tells me more and more that my body is saying 'no, this isn't helping you. you need to get out of this situation now', kind of thing. Then shuts down. On the upside of this week, my mum spoke to my strings teacher and I'm going to potentially start up again next term. I still don't know, because I need to focus on my work, considering that I'm failing most of my subjects. But I'll decide when I get to that point. Yeah, my friend really appreciated it. I even told her that I would always stand up for her when things aren't okay, because that teacher aide was being so unprofessional. I'm tempted to tell that teacher aide that she's lost the privilege of calling me Lexi. Now she'll have to call me by my full name, because I'm so disappointed in her. But she can get told that when she actually speaks to me again. yeah, twice in an hour is really exhausting, considering that I always wake up more tired than before. The same happened for yesterday, but longer. Oh well, I'm okay now. I just have to get my assessments done, and I'll be okay. :) ... View more

@Andrea-RO yeah, its just a bit long... I actually got in trouble for it, I was supposed to have 2 afterschool detentions for it. But my mum and dad sent my deputy an email that included MY recount of what happened, and also stood up for me, saying something along the lines of "I've been taught all my life to stand up to harassment/bullying, and not be bystander. But here I am getting punished for doing what should be celebrated." I know he got that email, and I'm not sure what's going on for my punishment, but I haven't even been issued 1 detention yet... my punishment was lessened by 1, but after that email was sent and read, I don't know what he'd decided to do. Hopefully it changed his mind, because I could never say something like that to his face without feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing. Anyways, I passed out again yesterday... I was out for 2 hours this time... Or at least I think I was. I went up to the sick bay, and lay down and suddenly went out when I was on the bed - which was behind a cupboard, tall and wide enough to conceal where I was laying and potentially in danger - but I don't know how long I was out for. I think it might have been an hour, and I may have had one of my few seizures, because I woke up in a weird position from when I went out. So I decided to lay on the floor, and then went out again. I think that was an hour as well, but I'm not sure. I don't think anyone saw me or knew anything about my first episode, and then I don't think they knew anything about my second one until the last 20 or so minutes. And all of this is because they don't check on me when I'm in the sick bay, and they don't have a camera in there either, so they can't see me on the cameras. Thank goodness my deputy has decided to order a camera and an iPad to hook up to it, so they can see me and keep an eye on the other people who go in the sick bay. I hope they get it soon though... I've been having lot's of episodes, 2-3 times a week... ... View more

Even my parents seem to be getting tired of me and what the school is doing to me. I mean, they’ve helped me a lot, and they’re on my side, but it still hurts the way they don’t understand me. I told my mum, even after she suggested talking to my strings teacher, that I wasn’t going back to music again. She just went, “Alright, its your life”. I know it is, but you don’t have to make me feel like its my fault that I’m missing a good opportunity. Or that I’m just making life difficult for everyone else. Because that’s what everyone is saying along those lines of tone or implied to me more than ever. My episodes have been getting worse as well, my longest time being an hour. I’ve started having seizure activity, and the longest time I’ve been out for is an hour. Today was really bad, because I was super stressed, and part of my diagnosis is to do with stress. I was in the locker room, getting my English book, and then I suddenly collapsed on the ground. No one was there to help me, and I ended up lying there unconscious for an hour. I didn’t even make it to English. My teacher marked me absent, and that stuffed up the system, seeing as I was at school for the other sessions, and that made the admin ladies worried. They told my deputy, and he went looking for me. He searched the bathrooms, and then found me in the locker room. I woke up 20 minutes later, and then he brought me up to the sick bay. I fainted again after he went to talk to someone. Thankfully I wasn’t out for as long, but still, that’s 2 episodes in the space of an hour and a half... Hopefully everything goes back to normal though... I’m already failing my subjects and stuff, so lets see what happens this next 7 days... ... View more

And back to the story of my strings teacher and our argument, this was especially hurtful too... I was at string ensemble before school, and we got to the end of rehearsal. I told my teacher that I couldn’t make my lesson time that day, because I needed to be in class for assessment purposes. She said no, you HAVE to have a lesson today. So I decided to give up some drama time, and came to my lesson on time as normal. I am on time, but the others weren’t. So my teacher decided to use the time alone to work on some things that would be better, one-on-one. The problem is, I was trying to do all these things at once, that my teacher was telling me to do, and she kept bugging me about the things I was trying to fix while doing what she wanted. Then she takes my mumbling and not repeating what I said to her as disrespectful, and decided to give me 2 options. 1, I can go back to class if I was going to be rude and disrespectful, or 2, stay in the lesson and lose the attitude. For 1, I didn’t have attitude, I was just trying to make do with what I was able to do, considering my physical abilities are slightly hindered, and the fact that I was missing precious class time. I decided to pack up and go back to class, because I knew i needed to be there. And I also knew that if I failed my subjects, I was going to get kicked out of the music program. But my teacher then said, “You do know that if you follow through with this decision, it will jeopardise your position in the music program”. I said okay, because I really couldn’t deal with it right now, and i was going to get kicked out anyway, if I didn’t get back to class. That really hurt, because I felt like I was being treated poorly for things that I couldn’t control. So I left, and my strings teacher did up an incident report that is somewhat fake. Most of what she wrote was not true, and got me in trouble for my needs not being met. It’s so so so stupid. I had a conversation about it later with the head of music, and she said she wasn’t siding with anyone, but teachers automatically side with teachers a little bit anyway. So I’ve made a huge and difficult decision, that I won’t go back to doing instrumental music. It may be what I live and breathe, but I can’t go back to a toxic environment like that. What’s worse, is that I’m expected to go back and apologise for MY bad behaviour, by both of the teachers. But I didn’t have bad behaviour, its just the way my ASD brain was overloaded and trying to get what was required of me and what my teacher WANTED from me. So it came across as rude and disrespectful. That’s why I’m not going back, even though my deputy principal and the head of arts and well-being wants me to go back as well. I can’t help but feel like I’m letting everyone down by taking care of myself and my education first. Even if I did just decide to stop doing what I love most, and still being banned from sports... So, I’ve been put on detention for 1. Standing up for my friend, instead of being a bystander, like I’ve been taught all my life is bad if you’re a bystander. And 2. Apparently being rude and disrespectful to a teacher who was clearly treating me with disrespect first. I thought that being a bystander was bad, but here I am, getting punished for something that should be celebrated. Stop bullying, how about stop putting down those that are actually doing something about it? Maybe then bullying won’t get to where it is now. I’m going to make a change to the school system one day. Even if it costs me my life and all of my time and effort, I will make school fairer in that way. Even if everything is against me at the moment... ... View more

That’s pretty good though @Tiny_leaf! ... View more

@Tiny_leaf I read about it here, and it truly is disgusting! I hate puke, especially because I’m the worst person to get sick with gastro.... Bleck! :| ... View more

The last few weeks have been pretty difficult... There are a couple of upsides, but its mainly been down, and gone deeper every day... The main upside, I finally have a diagnosis of my condition! I have got a condition that exists, I’m not the guinea pig of some new illness/condition! I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say what it is here, but it’s great to at least have an answer that will lead to further treatment! Now for the big, hard, long, sad story of the last few weeks... I have been put on detention for standing up for someone who was getting pissed off by a teacher aide. This teacher aide was being unprofessional, by poking my friend with the lead part of a pencil. This teacher aide also took my friend’s drawings off her, and started to look at them. This isn’t as bad as what she did next. The teacher aide then made to read something off one of the drawings, which wasn’t actually on the drawing. The teacher aide said, “(Insert name), will you go on a date with me?”. This is outrageous, because my friend did not actually write it there. This dude “On the paper”, was actually sitting behind my friend and kicking her chair repeatedly. This was also pissing my friend off, and when the teacher aide read that out, my friend got up and left. She literally said, “I’m out”, and left. The whole time that this was going on, everyone could clearly see that my friend was getting pissed off. She was telling the teacher aide to stop, asking for the drawings back, and obviously just didn’t want to deal with that shit that day. I also attempted to tell the teacher aide to stop, because that’s not okay at all. I was also getting pissed off, 1, because there were 2 boys squishing me between my desk and theirs, repeatedly, and 2, that teacher pissed off my friend. That teacher aide was actually someone who helped me with my mental health and stuff. But she suddenly turned on me after this incident. After the boys pushed me over the edge, I yelled as loud as I would dare in a class, “Can you stop?!”, and walked out. The teacher then said as I was leaving, “Look what you’ve done now”. This whole time, the class wasn’t listening and just not doing the work. This class i was in, is an after school class for the failing students. I don’t want to fail, because I don’t want to be in that class anymore, but oh well. I walked away and got a drink, then walked back. There was only 5 minutes until we were allowed to leave, so I waited until everyone had left to get my stuff. The boys were spoken to, so i got an apology. Instead of accepting it, i said, “You will be sorry”. This was meant to be implied as ‘one day you will be where i am now, and finally understand what its like’, not as a threat. Then, I said to the teacher aide, “I am pissed off with you, because you pissed off my friend. You had no right to do that, and whatever else you did to make her pissed”. The teacher aide’s excuse was so poor, i couldn’t believe it, coming from her. She said, “I don’t teach/support her in anyway, i don’t know her, i didn’t know I was pissing her off”. That’s so stupid, and a load of bull crap. Everyone could see my friend was getting pissed off, and it just shows how immature that teacher aide really is. But here’s the catch: The next day, I had a really, really, really, really, REALLY, shitty day. I’d just had an argument with my strings teacher, even though I was the one getting mistreated by her. She essentially kicked me out of my lesson, But I’ll explain after I finish this story.This also made me feel worse, because I thought I was at fault. Anyways, I had just gotten to tutoring, after school, and my teacher was late. He had crossing duty or something, so he didn’t get to help me at tutoring until there was half an hour left. He arrived, and we did 15 minutes solid work. Then The teacher aide comes over and has the AUDACITY to say, “SoRrY tO iNtErRuPt, BuT I NeEd To TaLk To YoU lAtEr AbOuT hOw YoU tHrEaTeNeD mE aNd AlL tHaT yEsTeRdAy”. THE AUDACITY IS ATROCIOUS! I am trying to focus on doing science, SO I DON’T FAIL MY EXAM, and yet she comes over and makes me start panicking about what I apparently did to her. So here I am, trying to stop panicking and focus on science, and that means that I’ve just lost information and focus I needed to maintain for that 30 minutes I should have been focussing on. Fun fact I learned this week: It takes 24 minutes to refocus for every 2 minutes you are distracted/switch activities. Telling me something that could have waited, is going to set me off on a panic spree and make me feel worse about the entire day!. It’s just not fair... My science teacher is good though, he tried to tell me to forget what the teacher aide said and focus on science. He tried, but I still couldn’t quite focus after that... ... View more

Hey @Bananatime04! :D ... View more

@lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah... though a lot has come up, and suddenly I want to do it again. @MaryRO yeah... Yes, the inner child in all of us will always come out at some point! ... View more

@Andrea-RO yeah... I also realised that I cope with my anxiety and stress by doing exercise, but forcing me to stop doing it, just makes me more anxious and potentially make me have more episodes if that's what's causing them. I stopped my unhealthy mechanisms, but I do want to stop eating again. I won't I made a pinkie promise not to. My friend is so childish lol. I love her nonetheless. :D I spoke to my mum about how I felt about telling someone about my SH, and she finally understood me. Now I don't have to talk about it, but we're still waiting for my appointment with someone else. That last person was so weird... :| Even my mum agrees with that statement lol. I don't really like any helplines, but I might have a look at them. Surely they can help a little bit too... Today was weird, but I found out some good news! My primary school is putting on a musical for assessment purposes for the year 5's and 6's, and I might be able to help! I might even be able to get an extra week of work experience to go and see them! :D I'm so excited, and with my experience of being IN a musical, I can help a fair bit too! :D I can't wait! ... View more

@Janine-RO yeah, it was pretty scary... Particularly because I was out for a whooping 30 minutes, but I was fine afterwards... I’m okay now, but its affecting me mentally, because I’ve been banned from what I love doing most... Hehe, gotta love good quotes! :P I’m doing okay, but my youth leader saw my wrist and was like, “is that pen, or is it something else?” I tried to lie and say it was pen, but I didn’t say it quick enough. I half spaced out, which is why it took longer to respond. But she guessed I wasn’t being honest, and talked to me about it some more. Then she had to tell my youth pastor, who then had to tell my parents. I told my best friend, and she wasn’t mad, so I’m okay with that. She isn’t as supportive to me as I would look for in a best friend, but she isn’t very good at relating to people. So I’m not too worried about her not understanding, because she hasn’t had a mental health struggle like mine before. At least I think thats the case... :| I have been eating again, but I’m going to start exercising after school or something. I was supposed to go on a run this afternoon, but it rained, so I couldn’t go. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow... I would try the butterfly foundation, but I just can’t deal with helplines. they have never helped me, so I just try and avoid them. The weird thing is, I could struggle to eat for a while, but I can easily start eating again. I can easily stop and start my disorder. Is that weird? Like, I know its not really safe, but I can eat when I need to, after a while. I just spoke to my mum about what was going on, and how it made me feel, and it helped a bit. I’m not so distressed now, as I was before. But I’m not going to go to youth group or hang out with my friends at lunch anymore... I’m just going to go and sit by myself during lunch times for a bit. Maybe I can even get my thoughts together... I’m going to find a way to get back into exercise at school, and go on excursions and stuff. Because it’s so unfair, making me stay back, when my body has been okay with whatever was happening which is no longer happening. I swear that I will get back into it, before music tour starts. I HAVE to go to music tour. ... View more

@lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah... I also found out today, that they won’t even let me do walking and stretching, the alternative sport activity I chose because my competitive sport was full/couldn’t be run. But apparently even THAT is too much for me, when it’s not. I’m not really ashamed of it anymore, but my mum found out. I didn’t conceal it enough... But now she wants me to talk to the new psych i saw today about it, when I don’t want to. I promised I would never do it again, but she doesn’t care. She even told me that my thoughts and/or input is valid, but today she says that I don’t get a choice whether I talk about my SH or not. I don’t want to, because then I’ll just do it even more. Even though I swore I wouldnt ever again... I did tell someone at youth group, but they saw my SH because I didn’t conceal it properly, then they told my parents. But now everything is just horrible and wrong, because I can’t do anything I love. Yeah, shame is a really powerful destructive thing. I’m being destroyed by it now... My body is not beautiful, its worthless. I’d be sorry for anyone else who lived in my body, like I am for me being in this body. I’m just so sad and broken. I can’t stop crying, I’m so hurt. Why should I be banned from WALKING AND STRETCHING, when that is a simple thing I can do? Just because LAST time was a problem, doesn’t mean it will be THIS time. I just want to do my favourite things. Even if it IS just walking around the school/neighbourhood. Its better than being unconscious on the floor while doing the sport I wanted to do... ... View more

@MaryRO yeah... its really hard... ... View more

@Sophia-RO yeah... My friends aren't like that anymore, but it did hurt. Today has been the worst, and especially this last week. I've fainted twice this week, but the first time I didn't feel it come on like I normally do. I was standing in the locker room, I can't even remember what I was doing there, but I suddenly passed out. I have a bruise on the top of my ribcage...Then it was swimming carnival yesterday, and I passed out for a good 30 minutes. They called an ambulance etc, and I ended up waiting in the ER for 4 hours at least. Then today, I found out that I might not be allowed to go on music camp. Because of my body. I might not even be allowed to do sport anymore. And I'm just do broken now. I even hurt myself. I finally got broken enough, to hurt myself. I'm safe now, and I won't do it again, but I'm so ashamed. I promised myself I would never hurt myself. Not to the extent that I did today. And now I'm going to have scars, and there's nothing I can do about it. The things I love the most, I have to miss out on because of my body. because the deputy principals and principle are worried that something will happen when I'm on camp and all that drama. I'm going a long way away, but I know that my episodes will flare down soon. I just need time for my body to settle into routine again. its just not fair on me. I know I've been broken before, but nothing has broken me this badly. Hopefully my body settles itself soon, so that I can still go on camp. I can't miss out on it. Not when I know I can manage my condition, if I get back into routine. Why did it have to be me? why do I have to be the one that suffers for my body's stupid problems? Why do I even have to have these problems? I'm so hurt that because of this, I have to suffer. I'm safe, I don't need medical attention, I'm just sad and ashamed of my fat, ugly, useless body... ... View more

Aha! Found it @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ! ... View more

Why are apps the main focus right now? ... View more

Lies... :P ... View more

Why wouldn't it be? ... View more

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 is the riddle a part of the second one? :D ... View more

Winning still, @lost_Space_Explorer5? I don't think so... :D ... View more

Toes time... Lost_Space_Explorer5 Huh... that was easy. And on a desktop, too! @lost_Space_Explorer5 ... View more

@lost_Space_Explorer5 lol, its okay. :) Yeah, it's pretty cool. I will talk about it soo, but I'm physically not doing so well, so it will have to wait until tomorrow. But I will talk about it, its kinda hard to understand if I don't explain. There have been times when I've felt happy with 2 of the people in my group, but not really with the one who introduced me to the friend group. I've never really been understood, only my physical health has been understood by my best friend. none of them have realised that I'm not okay mentally, even when I've said "ouch, that kinda really hurt" when a joke has gone too far. But I also laugh along afterwards, because I'm scared to lose my best friends. My eating problem only started at the end of term 4 last year, but I was fine during the holidays. But now my feelings have been tipped over the edge, and my eating problems have been triggered again. i've never had a real disorder like that before, but oh well. My friends issue has been like this for about a year now... I'm always the outsider, no matter what I do... ... View more

I'm feeling so numb and unhappy at the same time... I think I've developed a small ed... I just can't bring myself to eat. And its all because of what my friends did yesterday, but its not even really their fault. I just feel so left out and alone, even when I'm with them. It's like they just talk to each other, and I never get to say anything without making things awkward. But its not like they mean to do it, they just do. And I tried to talk to my best friend about it, but she took it the wrong way. I'm a person who tries not to hurt people, even when I'm hurt. But they still don't get it. I internalise my feelings, and distance myself when I feel sad or lonely, but they don't realise. But my friend with the same name as me, can get really pissed really easily and they will talk about it without me. I'm just the outsider. Even after a year. Why do I have to be the one who feels like I'm both in the right AND the wrong? It just hurts so much. I even tried to ask in a post on Insta, asking for advice about how to tell someone that they're hurting me, without hurting them or making them feel bad back (without saying names and trying to make it relatively anonymous in that way). My best friend saw it and assumed straight away that it was them. She tried to ask why and what was happening, but every time I tried to explain, she wouldn't understand me at all. Why is it that I can never get what I need, when I need it, and no one understands me? *sigh* :( ... View more

5: - my desktop - desk - my iPad - my watch - my apple pencil 4: - my mum yelling at my siblings - my sister's extremely loud singing... - my music playing in the background - my keyboard tapping 3. - my keyboard - my desk - sadness and emptiness 2. - lollies that my siblings have started eating - my perfume 1. - I have many talents, even if I know I don't believe a single good thing about myself ... View more

aren't there apps for everything? ... View more