Trigger Warning - mention of unwanted sexual experiences as a child. Hi, this is my first time using the forums, so if this is in the wrong place, or isn't acceptable, just let me know and I'll delete it... So, without going into unecessary details, from ages 9ish-11ish for an unknown frequency of time, my "boyfriend" at the time (age 11-13ish) instigated sexual stuff. He was bigger, stronger and more sexually mature than me, and there were times that i know 100% weren't consensual, I didn't want it. For years, I've struggled with this, wondering if it was some kind of sexual assault, if it was my fault for not fighting him or telling someone, or if i made it all up. Quite recently, I did a lot of research and I've come to the conclusion that yes, this was some kind of sexual assault. This was about a month ago. Since then, I've been almost constantly anxious, whenever thinking about what happened, or about telling someone. It's affected me before, I started hurting myself at 13 because of it (I'm over 1 year clean now), but never as much as it does now. I can't go day without thinking about it, about wanting, needing to tell someone, to get rid of this secret i never wanted. This month, I've been putting more thought and planning into actually talking about it, but the more I do, the more I'm terrified. I don't want this. I want to block my ears and scream lalalala, I want to throw it as far as i can and sprint in the other direction. I don't know what to do. I am terrified at even the thought of telling anyone irl, but throwing it to the back of my mind for another year isn't doing anything. I'll be back here in a year tops, worse than ever before.
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