The title honestly describes what everything feels like right now.   I feel like maybe things might go forward, but it all resets. The last 12 months have just been such a depressing experience, I can't help but reflect on all the past decisions I made, everything I did........it haunts me almost 24/7   Basically 2016 ended in a rough spot cause I fucked up University and was struggling to get started a new job but 2017 I got my stuff together....it was perhaps one of the happiest times ever. I could keep a job, I would go for weeks along this beautiful lagoon...by lord I loved it. I had dropped out of Uni, but I was doing poorly anyway...besides I had a job and was doing things most days of the week, but I wasn't having much luck trying to find a new career  (I was rejected for a construction course....construction...most people could do that...but I  failed) After about say...mid 2017...I just went downhill   I was asked to act in plays, but I don't have the courage to act anymore. I used to love making people laugh in theater shows, but now I can't even speak for 5 seconds before my own voice weirds me out.   Then there was the Autism Diagnosis, I had a bad fight with a friend and we didn't talk for 6 months, I was cyberbullied by another group of friends, several other friends just stopped answering my messages.    Some people reckon I have PTSD cause I'm constantly thinking about these things and suffering anxiety as a result with heart-rates....sometimes crying. I don't know if I call that PTSD   I don't know who considers me their friend or if they even want me in their lives anymore.    It's hard to put these together, I feel so badly about what I've done...I feel like I've failed. Trying to write everything down is hard             ... View more

Everything feels like shit.   I don't know if I want to return to UNI next year, I don't think anyone there likes me very much. I can't wait for lunch so I just go sit near the big pond and enjoy the air and silence of everything. I'm suffering some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder, I'm freaking out not having all the art supplies I should have and that I don't have things organized.    My hobbies are dying......like 90% of them.   I've been offered a job doing editing for Television Ads, I'm scared I'll fuck it up. Literally I was like "Yo I'm keen, you guys need help?" and they said "Sure, come show ups what you can do"...obviously they were pleased as I've been offered a position for next year. I'm nervous as hell...it could be awesome but the fear is getting to me big time as for my other hobbies....I loved video games but not anymore.   There was this video game called Rainbow Six Siege, now I'm not the greatest player at it...but I still love and adore the game. I made friends with this one group who played it, they would often get rather vicious in matches. I would get called a "fucking sperg" and a "retard" on a constant level for not performing well.   To the point I suffered an anxiety attack in the middle of a gaming match, I left the match and went offline on all my gaming specs and launched a single player game. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move....my body had just shut down....I almost couldn't breath it was that bad.They now asked me on a daily basis why I no longer play the game with them, I could try explaining their behaviour is seriously fucking off putting bigtime but they called me a snowflake cause they made fun of the fact I would say sorry when they raged at me. They're pretty much the only people I've been talking to, I'm completely alone.   I'm alone, I have no friends...literally my Mum is the only person who I think will stick by me ... View more

I feel like I want to cry honestly, everything is just bullshit.   I lost more friends, why can't I ever keep any? They made fun of me for various reasons, even spamming me photos of sick animals and babies cause they knew I couldn't stand seeing things in pain and started to tear up. I'm emotional and worry so they reckon I deserve to be told to kill myself and that I'm dumb and unloveable.   Hell I mentioned a previous falling out months ago.I cried one night and messaged him telling him I was sorry....he took me back though   I recently got addicted to World of Warships and World of Warplanes, I love these games so much and as a result...I've made it a dream to make my own documentary on WWII battleships and WWII warplanes since I'm studying video production at UNI and I think its a great way to combine a subject I'm interested in with a career but several friends and family tell me this is stupid, not realistic and I will never do it. Fucking hell, is it even worth dreaming and hoping anymore?   Don't be worried, im not in danger or wanting to harm myself or someone else but I am in one of those "Fuuuuuu" moods  ... View more

I'm not well right now in the slightest.   I just had a friendship end and I'm not coping with it well. I'm try and sum this up quickly and simply. We met a little over a year ago and we were both big on video games, loved em with all our hearts.   Now I'm not gonna bullshit around to much, I did make mistakes and handle a few things the wrong way...but I was never malicious or intending harm.  I admit that I sometimes get to attached to people, but out of nowhere I see a public Facebook post from him talking about what a shitty awful person I am, when I go to him about it he snaps at me and we don't talk for weeks. A few weeks later we chat again and he says he was coping badly with stuff and handled it badly...so I'm like okay.   Anyway things recovered for a brief moment but not long and we finally split. He got angry cause he was saying certain things to me that I found upsetting, his response was calling me a pussy and a wimp, someone who couldn't handle life. So I told him goodbye.   I'm devested by this entire thing, it's crushed me.    Now there is another group of people who have taken a liking to me, but I can't do anything. I'm just scared it will happen all over again.   Damn it     ... View more

I'm just so freaked out by it,   I've had some bad acne which leaves bad marks and it looks freaky, my face is fat whilst I'm practically a medium stick figure. I might suffer male pattern baldness   I can't look in the mirror without cringing....I'm so stressed and freaked out about everything right now ... View more

Things haven't been well   I remember ages ago wishes my autism could be zapped away, but now I feel like even if that was gone...it wouldn't help at all.   I feel ashamed and embarrassed about being weird and eccentric, it doesn't feel "wonderful" when I'm getting called the R-word for the 80th time. People think I'm abandoning my "true identity" but I'm not, I'm just toning it down and not being so over-the-top   I feel like no one understands my feelings about it ... View more

So I'm preparing to go back to UNI and I'm incredibly scared about it.   I think I've come to a sad realization, I feel like I'm much happier when I'm on my own....I feel so bad about this...apparently I was told when I was younger I didn't like playing with other kids in primary school and was much happier playing in the sandbox by myself.    I almost don't really want people to know the real me....cause the real me is emotional as hell and hard to listen to.......I feel like I'm probably just going to go to the classes then go home as soon as it's done. I don't think I'll go to O-Week either, I don't like talking about myself at all.   Is it bad to not really like social events and socializing?  ... View more

(I don't know if this is the right spot, please move this post if it is not)   So.... I accept my Autism Diagnosis.....I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed about the fact I have Autism. I'm not sure if proud is the right word......it is what it is...it's just a part of me I will have to learn more about.   Now that's not saying it won't lead to me feeling bad about something down the track...because it is a tough thing to live with that causes trouble for people......but I accept it now.   To quote a comedian I like "You should never feel ashamed about something you can't control...be it mental health or the colour of your skin"     ... View more