First off, I just really want you guys to know that your responses are all really touching. Thank you so much.
@Creativegirl12 I've been seeing my school counselor for about six months now, and I see her once every one to two weeks. She does help me get more motivated and break out of the weird panic-paralysis mindset for at least a bit most of the time, but I haven't been able to book an appointment with her in a while because of schedule clashes. I've tried making appointments at Headspace, too, but I'm waiting to hear back from them. I know it'll all get sorted eventually, but it's been making me feel a bit isolated. As for the english teacher... I'm getting that the general consensus is that I should talk to him about what's going on. I haven't yet, because I feel really, really uncomfortable discussing this stuff with people, barring the school counselor.
@tsnyder No, it's not really surprising. I've known it's been another problem of mine for a while, but being good at school has just been my defining trait for so long I don't know what to do about it. I hate school, but I need to excel in it. It's weird and really draining. I wish I could walk around and not give a rat's, but that facade would crumble the second a teacher mentions that homework sheet that's a week overdue. I guess I'm usually a hard worker, and I'm respectful enough not to pull anything too outrageous. I was really into reading, writing, and drawing, but I can't really get back into them at the moment. I like running.
@Sophie-RO I don't know, this post bares a lot more than I'd be comfortable with even my best friend seeing. I posted it on the net under the cover of anonymity, but in real life and talking to people who knew me, I don't know if I could do that. Thank you for the links, though, they're really helpful.
@NigioC I wouldn't say I'd never think those things about someone else, my internal running commentary can get pretty damn toxic at the drop of a hat. Still, thank you so much for the kind words and the link. I'm really sorry I don't have more to say right now, I'm just a bit mentally drained.
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I'm having a lot of trouble with my english work, and it's making my life pretty damn miserable. I know it's really stupid to get so anxious and worked up over something as trivial as writing a couple of essays, but that just adds to the million and one voices that start screeching around my head as soon as I sit down with a pen and my notes. I just feel like I'm being sent up to a firing squad, and then I start thinking about why the heck I'd make that stupid comparison, and then another part of me starts mouthing off about how easily distracted by stupid things I am, then I start panicking because I'm not getting anything down on the page and then I get really hyperaware of every little sound in the room and it drives me crazy and then I get caught up in trying to calm myself down and then, before I know it, half an hour's gone past and I still haven't bloody well got more than some chicken scratchings down on my page, and then I have to fight off the bloomin' waterworks and to get my hand to grip the pen right. All of this over a stupid essay. And what's even stupider is that I know that it's my tendency to keep going over my work sentence by sentence to make sure that they're grammatically correct and not too cliche and concise enough and not too stupid and not too messy that usually kicks this cycle into an even higher gear, and what do I do? At the first sign of my momentum beginning to dwindle, I go panic and back to the start of my essay and do every single one of these things! For crying out loud!
I'm laughing now, but this whole mad little mental dance I go through every time a piece of paper is pushed at me seriously makes me feel like shit. I mean, I used to be so good at english. I was a straight A student, until a few years ago. Now my average is about a D to a C. I'm in year 12. I need at least a study score of 30 in english to get me to where I want to go. I just... I can't see myself achieving that. Considering my achievement in school is pretty much the only thing I have going for me, it's suffice to say I'm feeling pretty hopeless.
I procrastinate. Horribly. I can't get my thoughts in any kind of order, I feel paranoid about letting people see my work because I'm convinced it's riddled with errors, faults, or I've managed to slip in an undertone in an argument that makes me sound like a disgusting human being, and I just can't communicate with anybody. I either stand back passively and let them talk over me until it's too late to speak up, or I blurt out a really ridiculously constructed sentence at the most innapripriate time and frustrate everyone around me. I get obsessive and repeat humiliating conversations or events or possible outcomes in my head until I feel like I'm reliving the moment and want to cry. I'm such a freakin' doormat, and it kills me. I can't direct anything, I just get swept up in the flow. I'm the one making myself miserable and half the time I feel like I'm just a self-absorbed sham out to extend her own personal little pity party, and I don't want to be that kind of person, but I just don't know where to go or what to do, if I can even do anything at all.
Should I speak to my teacher about my problems with the essay writing? I really don't want to, because I can't think of a way of wording it without sounding pathetic and I really should be able to write a bloody essay by year 12, but on the other hand I kind of know something's gotta change, because the current situation really, really is not working.
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