Hi everyone. I haven’t been on much lately because I’ve been struggling a fair bit, I’m sorry. I hope everyone’s okay atm.    I feel like nothing’s helping right now and things are too much. I still do DBT and although the skills are useful sometimes, the individual psychology sessions don’t help me. I see a different counsellor on and off but she’s always cancelling sessions at the last minute and when I do see her, it makes me feel worse, not better. I’m also seeing a peer support worker sometimes because my psychologist reckoned I was too socially isolated, but mostly she just talks about herself and tells me how things will be better when I stop taking care of my family (something that will never happen).    I’m struggling to help my younger sister who has health and mental health issues, I feel constantly anxious about family, sometimes I get up in the night and listen to make sure they’re still breathing. I know that it would help to exercise, to get out of the house, be around other people, go to my favourite places but I can only let myself leave the house for class or appointments. Otherwise I feel too guilty and anxious. I sit on the couch all day because I feel too paralysed and guilty to do anything else, it is so horribly endlessly depressing.    Uni is stressful. My sensory issues are worse. Eating is hard. My memory and concentration are screwed. It takes me hours to get to sleep, then I wake up at 2 or 3 am. Meds don’t help. I’ve been exploring my faith a lot more and putting trust in God but even though it helps it also triggers my OCD. I feel lonely all of the time. I am anxious about my sexuality constantly and it’s worse when I leave the house, it’s even hard to be in class because I feel so worried and scared when I’m around guys. I haven’t been self harming because I’m so scared that if I relapse I’ll be hospitalised or given ECT. The other day my tutor threatened to call an ambulance on me because I had a panic attack in class and said I didn’t want to be alive anymore and I literally had to beg him not to. I absolutely cannot will not go back to hospital.    I feel like I’ve tried every single treatment under the sun and all they’ve taught me is to shut up and act happy so I don’t get screamed at and sedated and humiliated. It’s been almost five years since my first suicide attempt and I still think about killing myself every day (I’m safe as it’s the one thing my psychologist actually cares about and tries to manage). Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. I just get better at being fake happy.    I know if I left home I would be okay but I can’t leave home, at least not for another year or so, so until then I’m treading water and wasting time. And crying, I spend a lot of time crying.    Please just tell me you can hear me. I get so sick of my own voice but I can’t stop talking to myself. The voices in my head never shut up.  ... View more