@gina-RO mostly true crime ones and ones about LGBT+ issues! With my fave ones it's nice because the voices are so familiar that it's really soothing when I'm upset - kinda like having friends. What about you?    Hmm I appreciate the suggestion. It's less though that talking about it makes me feel bad - it's more just that I feel like a bad person for not being more grateful and not getting better faster when people are trying to help me. It's kind of complicated with how my therapy is at the moment, but basically 85% of it IS already just behaviour modification. I don't get much of a chance to talk about feelings etc. But when I do, like today, I feel guilty because I feel like me still being sick might make my therapist feel bad or like me less. It doesn't hurt me to talk about these things because I am already consumed by them 24/7 I just feel guilty for needing to. And it's hard because a part of me does want to get better and to heal but I just feel so angry and powerless and bitter that it just spills out of me because it is so all consuming that there is no room for me to feel anything else.  I just keep ricocheting between being angry and then desperate self loathing and the need to apologise.  Sorry. Word vomit    They're just thoughts atm. I know how to access help if it gets worse.  ... View more

Don't feel bad @Bee, you're never obligated to reply to anything!    Distractions are what work best for me too! Netflix and podcasts mostl y. I should try and force myself to do some studying, then I'll probably go back to those. It's hard because I feel so deeply like I don't deserve those things. But I've already self harmed and used my ED stuff to cope so I should at least make an effort to stop myself doing it multiple times in a day.    The appt today...didn't really help. I feel bad for being so nihilistic and bitter with therapists who are honestly just trying to help me - I should at least attempt to be more positive. All I can talk about is how much I hate everything and myself and want to die. I am such an awful person.    ... View more

Hey @Bee, thank you for sharing how things have been for you This sounds like such a lot to be dealing with - it must be overwhelming to be taking on your friend's and your family's needs while you're in such a vulnerable position yourself. Huge hugs. You are so right that you're worthy of love and support, and that this situation can improve and things will be better - I understand that it can be difficult to believe that at times, though.    How much longer do you anticipate having this level of pain? Perhaps when you're able to be on less pain meds you'll be able to get into a sleep schedule that works better for you and your health. Would it be worth asking for support from your facebook group while things with your foot are so frustrating?    As you mentioned to me in my thread, distractions can be a good way of coping - at least until a situation can improve. Is there something you could focus on - like learning a new skill, a tv show you could binge watch, treating yourself to a new colouring book - that would help you have some relief from these painful feelings?    Thinking of you.      ... View more

I’m sorry you had that experience with the helpline @scared01! That sucks. Did they give you a time when your counsellor will be in?  Is there a soothing show you can watch until bed?      ... View more

I'm glad you're back on land now @litgym! :)  That sounds lovely, I hope you're able to feel some enjoyment of your self care. Nice, relaxing places to sit are the best, especially when you have some music going at the same time. I hope a good sleep tonight will help reset your body clock and make you a little less exhausted!  ... View more

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Wow @Bee, I am always so impressed by your amazing ability to find positives in the pain - I've see this in your posts in the negatives to positives thread, too. I'm so glad that thinking about it was something you found helpful!  How are you today, how have your pain levels been over the weekend?  ... View more

Hey @Matty D, I can definitely relate to feeling anxious a lot, even over little things! It can be very disruptive and exhausting so I understand why you'd want to keep those feelings at bay.  One thing that I've heard helps a lot of people is to set a time in the day when you can worry as much as you like. For example, set yourself fifteen minutes of worrying time after dinner - whenever worries come up during the day, remind yourself that you can be anxious about these things during the time you've planned, but you don't need to worry about them right now.  Do you speak to a psychologist or counsellor at the moment?  ... View more

Hey @hellofriend, thank you for sharing your story with us  I'm sorry that you've had such painful and traumatising experiences in your life; it shows enormous strength for you to be asking for help and wanting to get better.    Recovery is different for everybody, so different things will work for each person.  I know that you've said you've seen many counsellors/psychologists/other health professionals, but as @ErinsAntics stressed, sometimes it does take a while to find someone that you really click with. It could be a matter of continuing to search for a professional who fits with your values and needs. There's also many different kinds of therapy - for example, cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy, and acceptance and commitment therapy. Exploring other types of therapy could be helpful - some forms may be more effective for you than others.  (Just fyi not all forms of therapy are available under the public system so depending on whether you rely on medicare or if you have private health insurance or NDIS funding your options may be different).    For me, although I've done/am doing several forms of therapy, tried many medications, and had stints in hospital, actually the three things that have helped me to heal the most are occupational therapy, peer support, and writing. I've only had access to very brief OT while in hospital, so again am unsure how available it is, but basically it was very helpful for me in learning how to self-soothe, be more present and enjoy things more, and helping me connect with other people. Peer support (again in hospital mostly) was something that helped me a lot, too - spending time with others who understand trauma and mental illness can be very helpful and supportive. Many local health districts and community health centres have peer support workers or groups.  Although I definitely encourage you to keep seeking professional help, I know that a lot of people (me included) benefit from finding passions or interests that help give meaning to our struggles and help us to process events. For me this is writing, for others it could be religion, art, exercise, being in nature, anything really.    Also, you mentioned that your experiences with the public system e.g. emergency departments have been really awful. Know that being treated badly is never okay, and you have a right to complain. You might be able to make a complaint to the hospital, local health district, or your state's ombudsman    I hope this helps a little. Please keep trying, recovery can feel endless at times but I believe you can get to a place where things are less of a struggle      ... View more

Hey @Blurryphaced I'm so sorry to hear things are so painful for you  I understand that feeling of being trapped and alone, however I promise that things can improve and by staying alive you ensure that you'll be here for a time when things are better. How did you go contacting a helpline last night?  Huge hugs. We are here to listen  ... View more

Hope your headache settles down soon @scared01  ... View more

Planes are scary aren't they @litgym? Well done getting through the flight, I hope you are proud of yourself for that What have you got planned for the rest of the day, any time for some self care? (Or some more B99?) ... View more

@Bree-RO Yeah I’ll be safe. I see someone on Monday so I’m kinda at least waiting till then to get a second opinion and hopefully a little relief.    Thanks @litgym  I’m listening to podcasts atm - I’m usually better at soothing type distraction but I’m genuinely just trying to think about anything else rn.  ... View more

@litgym @Bee thanks for checking in  I’m a bit wrecked tbh, I’m so exhausted from the constant anxiety and guilt. I wish I could leave for a while. I’ve been trying to distract myself all afternoon/evening but it’s hard because I feel like I don’t deserve to do anything enjoyable because I’m such a worthless daughter/sister.  ... View more

I'm sorry for dropping out last night @Bee, thank you for replying    ... View more

Hey @rainbowpotato, it must be stressful not to have heard from your friend. You did mention she's been busy with family things, maybe that's what's going on? Would giving her a call be an option?      ... View more

Gorgeous @Bee  ... View more

Okay @scared01, I hope you can get some sleep and feel a little better in the morning  ... View more

Sure @scared01 what's triggering it and what's helped you stay out of this head space for a while?  ... View more

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way @scared01, it sounds really difficult  You mentioned that it's been a while since you've been in this head space - is there anything that has helped you to feel differently recently?  Would it help to make a self care plan for the next couple of days?  ... View more

I'm just tired @Esperanza67. Sometimes the pain gets so much that it goes away. And all you want to do is run and run until you're somewhere where nobody knows who you are.  I had to stop the distraction and do my DBT homework and now I can't stop crying.  ... View more

Thanks @litgym. I'm just. I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of shaking. I'm so tired of feeling sick. I'm so tired of insomnia. I'm so tired of being afraid. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of the memories. I'm so tired of the pain. And now there's all this family stuff on top of what was already a tough day because my (old) therapist cancelled an appt for the third time AND I was dumb enough to look at the fb page of someone who doesn't speak to me anymore.  I'm just watching funny YouTube videos to try and idk ignore everything except Eliza Taylor. I feel like such a terrible person for avoiding all my family's problems though; I'll have to confront them at some point and do something about it all since nobody else will. I appreciate the suggestion but helplines often make things worse for me.  I will probably get through it safely though. I usually do.    ... View more

We're here to listen @scared01  Hugs.  ... View more

It is for sure a vicious circle @lokifish @Bee. Thank you both for empathising  In answer to your question lokifish I have over a year of the program left :( It's very long and intensive. I have sessions once or twice every week.    I'm really struggling tonight. I just want to stop trying to keep going. Everybody in my family is sick in some way or another and my parents aren't handing my siblings mental health needs at all and I'm so frightened and exhausted. I want to disappear - I want to escape. I can't do this anymore. I can't help anybody anymore. I can't be here anymore but there's nowhere else to fucking go.  ... View more

I'm really glad that it's made you feel this way @litgym  ... View more

I'm so happy that you had such a wonderful time @litgym, what an amazing memory and motivation to keep going to have!!!  ... View more

How are you both doing tonight @scared01 @Bee?  ... View more

Happy birthday @Bee!! Thank you for all you do    ... View more

Thanks @Bree-RO. Yeah with my old counsellor I felt much more comfortable with her and like her values were more similar to mine I guess. I am still going to be seeing her very occasionally. It's nothing against this form of therapy or these therapists that I'm seeing now, it just feels like it might not be the right fit for me which is frustrating because if I don't do it I'll be labelled non-compliant with treatment which will affect my ability to access other forms of care from this place AND my ability to get my nursing registration when I finish studying (because I've attempted suicide I'm considered 'a danger to the public' and have to be compliant with treatment in order to get registered). Or at least that's how I understood what the psychiatrist told me.    @Bee Thank you - it helps a lot to know I'm being heard  I totally agree that it's more about how you cope! Maybe this is oversensitive but I think I'm especially sensitive to the idea of trying to change/stop your emotions because I feel like it's edging towards conversion therapy rhetoric - telling us to just stop feeling what we're feeling and instead feel something more acceptable.      ... View more

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