About brightonion899

brightonion899 · ‎16-10-2017

I probably won't be able to contribute too much tonight because I've got a uni assignment to write, but I will say that I personally believe family conflict can range vastly across a whole lot of different areas and parts of someone's family. It could be contained within immediate family or span across vast segments of extended family. It could be relatively minor (difference of opinion leading to arguments) to something really major (such as divorce/separation, disownment/removal or violence/other abuse). And it's definitely not the same for everyone because everybody reacts differently to conflict. My personal story is the usual parental divorce which has led to a pretty big divide between my extended family - sometimes I feel like me and my sister are the 'meat in the sandwich' between both sides of the family because we are the children of said divorced parents. The divide can trigger anything from awkwardness to full-blown family feuds, depending on the moods of each side at the time. I stay right away and never get involved.

brightonion899 · ‎14-10-2017

@missep I also really really hope that I will stop feeling so down all the time as more time goes on. Socialising, while a little nerve-wracking, is thankfully helping. But whenever I find myself alone my mood always takes a really massive plunge and the pain immediately comes back. Yes it is quite interesting to learn we share similar views on relationships. I've often thought I'm a bit 'abnormal' among most guys my age for only being interested in building genuine emotional connection with a potential romantic interest (as opposed to just casual stuff with no real meaning behind it), but I'm certainly not about to change or lower my standards or morals. I currently have zero interest in romance with someone else, because my ex-girlfriend still occupies an enormous place in my heart and I feel she will continue to do so for a long time. I will never be able to love someone else in my current mental state, and not until she no longer occupies that space in my heart, and not until I am 100% comfortable within myself and ready to take the risk again. I won't be opening my heart to anyone else until my ex-girlfriend has left that space completely. Besides, it wouldn't be fair on myself or the other person to begin again while I am feeling uncomfortable within myself, and so long as I still have lingering feelings for my ex - things would surely end in complete disaster. I'm happy to make new friends, but that's all for now. Seeing a psychologist has been very helpful and I'm so happy started doing it. I also really hope beginning with a new romantic interest is easier than I'm thinking it will be, assuming I one day find someone else whom I'm interested in. I suppose only time will tell as to whether I feel comfortable getting to know someone else on an intimate level and allowing them to get to know me. Right now I'm completely unsure and indifferent, but who knows? I've got another appointment with the psychologist in a few days, so will definitely keep updating.

brightonion899 · ‎11-10-2017

@letitgo I really think complete separation is the best option. As much as I feel immensely strongly towards her, talking with her brings me nothing but pain now. Yeah I agree. I am trying to start a new routine and make some changes in my life. I have taken up piano lessons again after stopping about 6 years ago - music is a massive part of my life and I play piano every day as a form of self-therapy. I have also been joining special interest groups on Meetup and at uni, but getting out and about is a real struggle at the moment and something I don't have a desire to do, because I feel quite afraid of meeting new people. It's difficult but I'm forcing myself to face my fears, put on a fake smile and go engage with the outside world in my spare time, because otherwise I find myself just sitting idle at home with my own negative thoughts as company. As much as I would love to just shut myself off from the rest of the world right now, doing that is probably much worse than being out in a social situation and hating it/feeling afraid. After another session with my psychologist yesterday, it turns out that I have probably been living with some form of anxiety and obsessive tendencies and engaging in compulsions for quite a long time (estimating since my early high school days). Over the years, I have created my own intricate world of regimented, well-structured, orderly and precise day-to-day routine as a way of making myself feel comfortable and safe, which can be good in moderation, but too much routine and the sanctuary becomes a prison, which I feel is exactly what has happened to me. There were times before I started my relationship with my ex-girlfriend where one day would feel very similar to the previous day, because there was just so much order and routine with everything I did - and that was making me feel very uncomfortable (think of the movie Groundhog Day!). My psychologist has also concluded that I have suffered with low self-confidence and low self-esteem for a long time, which tends to cause me to avoid socialising with others and generally interferes with my ability to enjoy things in life without constantly worrying and feeling anxious. So my psychologist has given me a homework exercise between now and the next appointment which focuses on making a conscious effort to go against the compulsions and routines I usually engage in day-to-day. It's going to feel uncomfortable at first but over time my brain will get used to the discomfort associated with not performing those compulsions and the anxiety should hopefully start to subside a little bit.

brightonion899 · ‎08-10-2017

@missep It's probably the toughest time in my life right now - and I've had my fair share of tough times. This one hits me on such a personal level which is why I feel so down all the time. I'm really hoping the therapy with the psychologist will give me the skills I need to control these thoughts, which seem to attack the most important and highly valued thing in my life at any given time. Surrounding myself with friends and family has helped ease the pain somewhat, but it never really goes away. The loneliness and sadness is always there deep down, and no amount of distraction ever completely sways my attention from it :( You sound very similar to me missep. I have never had the urge to go out to a bar or nightclub and 'hook up' with some random stranger, nor have I ever been interested in having a casual 'fling' with someone. I was still a virgin at the time I started my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I too am quite picky and find it hard to connect with somebody on a romantic level, and it's one of the reasons why it's taken me this long to find somebody whom I was comfortable starting my first relationship with. I've met other girls in the past where there was a definite 'spark' between us, but nerves and fear always got the better of me and nothing ever eventuated. The spark between me and my ex-girlfriend was so intense, and she always made me feel very comfortable whenever we decided to take things further which was wonderful and so different to anybody I had met prior. I can relate to feeling similarly hopeless about relationships before my now ex-girlfriend seemingly 'appeared' in my life. I also felt like it was meant to be which is another reason why I am in such despair right now. There are a lot of things causing me distress right now, both outside circumstance and in my head. I need to sort out what goes on in my head before I will even remotely consider the idea of beginning another relationship with somebody else, regardless of how attractive they may seem. I've learned a lot but to be honest, after everything that's happened, starting all over again with somebody else is quite frankly the last thing I feel like doing. The thought of beginning again with a different person is quite scary - and I'm just simply not interested and probably won't be for a very long time. It's kind of sad but I'm in self-protection mode right now. @letitgo Aside from these wildly intrusive thoughts in my head that were causing me and my ex-girlfriend great deal of distress through the relationship, I kind of feel like I have been 'dropped' by her while I was in my most vulnerable state, which is also why I'm hurting so much. She was the one who pusued me initally and pretty much made the first move, and has always been very supportive and compassionate until a point where she suddenly 'fell out of love' and left me to fall flat on my face. I don't blame her at all though because at the end of the day I have problems that I need to sort out, and she obviously got tired of being there to support me. She is an incredibly vibrant, passionate and attractive person, who filled my head with many promises and visions of the future and, me being the passionate yet naiive person I was, I believed it all. I fell in love with her so hard, and ended up getting very badly hurt because of it. Don't get me wrong, I harbour no resentment or spitefulness towards her as a person, but I will certainly be remaining a lot more closely guarded around people in the future so as to avoid getting hurt so easily - lesson learned. After a little bit of communication with her last night, she made it explicitly clear to me that she has no feelings towards me at all anymore. She wants to stop all communication until such a time where we're both completely over the relationship (no idea when that will be) and can then start to look at reconnecting as just friends without things being 'clouded by romance' as she put it. This hurt me a lot, and I don't really feel like talking to her either now that I have seen how cold and detached she has become. Friendship between us I feel is now a looooooooonnng way off, if ever at all.

brightonion899 · ‎08-10-2017

@missep This is by far one of the toughest things I've had to cope with in my life, and I've had my fair share of tough times. This one hits me on such a personal level which is why I'm feeling so down right now. I'm really hoping the therapy with my psychologist will help me as well. I need to sort out what goes on in my head or else I feel like it will seriously hinder me from ever having a long-term relationship with anybody. I would tend to agree with that statement too. Surrounding myself with friends and family is helping somewhat, but the loneliness and sadness never really goes away completely - it's always still there deep down :( You sound very similar to me missep. I have never had the urge to go out to a bar/nightclub and 'hook up' with some random stranger, or have a casual 'fling' with anybody. I was still a virgin at the time I met my ex-girlfriend. It's very very rare for me to find someone I can connect with on a romantic level, which is why I feel it's taken me this long to find somebody whom I was comfortable starting my first relationship with. I've met other girls in the past where there was a definite 'spark' between us, but nerves and fear always got the better of me and things never went anywhere. The spark between me and my ex-girlfriend was super intense, and she always made me feel very comfortable about taking things further which was wonderful and very different to anybody I had met prior. I'm also (like you) very picky and will only ever start a relationship with someone if I feel they are the right person for me. I can definitely relate to feeling hopeless about relationships too, because I had almost reached that same point at the time my ex-girlfriend 'appeared' in my life. I definitely felt like meeting her was 'meant to be' as well, and it's another reason why I'm so saddened by everything that's happened. There are a lot of things causing me distress right now, both outside circumstance and things going on in my mind. I need to feel better about myself as a person before I would even remotely consider the idea of another relationship with somebody else, regardless of how good they may seem. To be honest though, the thought of beginning all over again romantically with somebody else is the absolute last thing I want to do. I'm not even slightly interested. @letitgo In many ways I feel like I was 'dropped' by my ex-girlfriend in my most vulnerable state, and it's really tainted my trust in people romantically because I feel absolutely and completely heartbroken. She was the one who chased me down in the beginning and made the first move, and had always been incredibly supportive and compassionate with me until a time where she suddenly just "fell out of love" and dropped me. I harbour no resentment or spitefulness towards her as a person, but I will certainly be remaining a lot more closely guarded around other people in the future so as to avoid getting hurt so easily. Upon a little bit of communication with her tonight, she made it explicitly clear that she has no feelings for me at all anymore and wants to stop all communication until such a time where we're both completely over the relationship (no idea when that will be) and can then look at resuming a friendship without it being 'clouded by romance' as she put it. This left me feeling incredibly hurt and frankly right now, I don't want to speak to her either because it's too painful. Friendship between us is very sadly going to be a looooooonnng way off, if ever at all :(

brightonion899 · ‎06-10-2017

@TOM-RO My girlfriend was also very much of the same opinion in the beginning. Insecurities are normal at the beginning of a relationship, but everything should stabilise as time goes on. With me though, my thoughts just became more and more obsessional and intrusive the more I tried to seek reassurance or think about something else. Oh gosh it was so awful and intense, and also totally exhausting. @missep I’m trying not to be too hard on myself, but I can’t help but feel an enormous amount of responsibility for what happened. Seeing a psychologist has provided me with some relief, but it’s a hollow feeling because it comes with a heavy realisation that it was just my brain lying to me all this time. I already pretty much knew that was the case, but I still had very little control over these intrusive and obsessional thoughts, which quickly became very distressing and exhausting. I have been feeling very sad, empty and lonely since the end of the relationship. The sense of loss I feel is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible and surrounding myself with friends and family, but nothing ever makes me feel genuinely happy right now, nor does it stop the crushing feeling of emptiness and loneliness I feel inside me. A person with the depth and complexity like that of my now ex-girlfriend is an incredibly rare find I feel, and her and I became incredibly close and bonded on an extremely deep emotional level over the course of our relationship. I am really feeling the absence of that emotional connection right now :(

brightonion899 · ‎04-10-2017

It's worth saying too - at the time, I wasn't really communicating my obsessional thoughts with my girlfriend because I was convinced that she would jump to the conclusion that I didn't love her and would therefore end the relationship. I only ever told her that I had a fear of losing her and that it was making me anxious, while not actually telling her why I feared losing her because I felt like I couldn't because she wouldn't understand... I was extremely confused by what I was feeling and what was going on in my head as well, because I felt one thing yet my mind was telling me otherwise.

brightonion899 · ‎04-10-2017

Well, my worst fear came true about 3 weeks ago - I lost my girlfriend :( She was becoming increasingly concerned about how anxious I was feeling, and came to her own conclusion that it "wasn't normal" and that it was because I was having doubts about my feelings for her (more on that in a moment). She told me that if I was that nervous, it meant our relationship wasn't meant to be, so she ended it. I am absolutely heartbroken, because I know deep down, I love her very very much. I tried to convince her, but she became quite angry with me and we haven't spoken in about a week or so. I upped the ante with seeking professional help and went and saw my GP, who referred me to a clinical psychologist. After 4 sessions, my psychologist suspects I may have OCD (though not an official diagnosis yet). Throughout my long-distance relationship, I was having many many obsessive and intrusive thoughts about my relationship with my girlfriend on a very frequent basis. These thoughts included such things as "is this what love feels like?" and "how can I know for sure if I love my girlfriend?" and "what if I cannot meet her needs?" and "what if I break up with her?" and "what if I don't actually love her and I'm mistakenly leading her on?" and "I didn't think about her much today, that must mean I don't love her." These thoughts were becoming increasingly prevalent and were playing over and over and over in a loop in my head. I was constantly seeking reassurance any way I could by researching on the internet (sometimes for hours at a time) as well as talking to my family. The ressurance was only ever temporary before the intrusive thoughts would return requiring me to seek more reassurance and validation. It was absolutely debilitating and awful, and it got to a point where my brain literally wouldn't ever switch off and I was unable to focus at work and university or to sleep without sleeping tablets. Looking back on things now, I know for sure that I always loved her (and still do), yet I couldn't convince my brain of that fact. The whole experience has been absolutely awful, and I just feel so helpless because I have self-sabotaged my relationship, and as a result, I have lost the most beautiful woman in the world :( I suspect that my ex-girlfriend got fed up with hearing about how wound-up and anxious I was becoming, and eventually gave up trying to reassure me. She insists that she fell out of love with me, but I suspect I caused this to happen. I have explained to my psychologist that I am extremely terrified of this exact same thing happening again in the future, if I ever fall in love again. The very beginning of the relationship was so wonderful, but my thoughts and feelings self-perpetuated into a downward spiral until I eventually became completely consumed by my intrusive and obsessional thoughts. They destroyed an otherwise perfect relationship, and probably will again unless I can overcome what goes on in my head. I also engage in many little compulsions during the day, such as setting dials and controls in my car in an exact way before getting out (something which I feel I have to do, otherwise I can't get out of the car), as well as checking the letterbox whenever I go in or out the front door of my house (if I don't check the letterbox, I have to go back and check it). These are just two of the many little things I have started to notice myself doing since my psychologist instructed me to start paying attention to my actions throughout the day. So I'm both relieved to know why I was feeling so debilitatningly anxious through my relationship, while also incredibly saddened and heartbroken to know that I would probably still be in a happy, joyous, loving relationship with my now ex-girlfriend had I not been having these obsessive thoughts on a constant basis... It really really sucks and I feel so awful :(

brightonion899 · ‎07-09-2017

One other thing I should mention is that my family have had some tough times over the last 3 years, with my sister suffering from severe clinical depression and anxiety (attempting to take her own life on more than one occasion), as well as my parent's marriage falling apart. All of this has been a source of a massive amount of emotional stress for me, and I don't feel like I've dealt with it properly and instead chose to launch myself into my work and uni as a coping mechanism. I kind of feel like getting into a relationship may have 'lifted the lid' on a lot of these emotions, thus being another cause of the anxiety and negative thinking...

brightonion899 · ‎07-09-2017

Greetings, I am 22 years old and have currently been in my first relationship for about 3 months. The woman I'm in a relationship with is 3 years older than me, which has really never been a concern of mine. We had known each other for about 2 years as family friends, yet an encounter with each other 3 months ago changed the way we both saw each other (more than just friends), and we decided to take things further. It's also worth saying that we're in a long-distance relationship and we live in different states. Everything started out absolutely wonderfully, all over long-distance, and the two times we have been physically together and not thousands of kilometres apart have been absolutely wonderful, and we have both developed our emotional and physical connection a lot since confessing our romantic feelings to each other 3 months ago. But since the last time we have been physically together which was a couple of weeks ago, I have been having increasing feelings of anxiety and an intense fear of losing her. She is the most amazingly talented, passionate, caring and wonderful person I have ever met, and I admire her so much, yet I get these crazy intense irrational worries of not being able to meet her needs in the future as well as feelings that I am inadequate for her. We're both quite busy with university and work, so don't get a lot of time to connect when we're apart aside from texting and snapchat. I feel quite lonely and miss her a lot of the time, and have been having trouble sleeping at night with all these negative thoughts of losing her racing around and around in my head. There have never been any arguments or disagreements between us on anything, and she is very conscious of not pressuring me emotionally or physically because she understands this is my first relationship (she has had several, but assures me that I am extremely special to her and unlike any other person she has dated before). I really really harbour strong and deep feelings of romantic attraction for her, and we have started saying that we love each other, and I fully believe that both of us do. This is why I am feeling so confused, because I feel like I love her deeply and care about her happiness and wellbeing so much. Yet, while I feel happy and very lucky to have such a beautiful woman in my life, I also feel a lot of negative emotion including these feelings of anxiety, loneliness and despair. I have negative thoughts of our relationship falling apart in the future, and they are getting in the way of the positive thoughts about all the good things we share together. I have been under a lot of work and uni stress lately which would not be helping my mood, and the busy-ness of those two things has impacted my social life quite a lot. The anxiety has gotten so bad that I have been having panic attacks and am finding myself unable to focus during the day. The distance between us makes things a lot harder because we can't just physically be there for one another or spend time together, which means a lot of texting, snapchatting and FaceTiming (when we both have time). I try to tell her how I'm feeling as much as I can, and she is always extremely supportive and caring, but there is a limit to how much she can do to comfort me when she lives in another state. I am feeling quite lost, confused and basically just don't know what to do. The thought of breaking up over this just seems so wrong and makes me feel absolutely awful, because I feel so strongly towards her and know things will get better over more time spent together. I have seen a counsellor at university about this and he assures me that these anxieties are all normal as I develop in my life and my relationship, plus my brain chemistry is changing a lot since embarking on a romantic relationship for the first time, which apparently often causes feelings of anxiety. He also said that loss of sleep makes anxiety a lot worse, but I am exercising 30 minutes every day to try and burn off some of the stress, and am trying to get a more regular sleep pattern by changing sleeping habits and taking natural remedies before bed. The counsellor suggested getting a low dosage of medication prescribed from my doctor to help me sleep, but I don't want to resort to hard medication unless absolutely necessary. I guess I am just seeking advice on what to do? My life feels much more full and complete since starting my relationship, yet I am also getting increasingly concerned about how much strong negative emotion I am feeling...

Date Registered	‎07-09-2017 09:55 PM
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Re: [CHAT] Managing Family Conflicts

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Not sure how I'm feeling about my relationship