The journey through grief and loss
Loss is something that we all experience, whether it be someone close to you, a pet, or even things like being able to move easily. Working through that loss is a process it takes time and it's natural for us to go through different stages and types of feelings. Everyone experiences grief and loss differently too!
This is a thread for us to share our experiences, how we felt then, where we are now, and what you would say to support someone else going through something similar. This is a pretty tough topic, so only share if you feel like you're in a good space to. And remember it's always important to get some one on one time if things are feeling really hard to deal with. Give KHL a buzz or join their chat by clicking here.
How did you feel when you experienced a loss?
Where are you at now?
What helped you get through things then, and what helps now?
Comments
How did you feel when you experienced a loss?
I still remember the 24 hrs following my phone call to come home quite vividly. The scramble to cancel appointments for that day, putting together a travel bag including what I would be wearing to the funeral even though the person in question was still alive at that time. My partner, whom I'd been dating for less than 2 months at the time volunteering to do the 7 hr round trip to take me the hospital. My final goodbye, the holding of the hands which I swear was only 10 mins, but time told me it had been 3 hrs. The sombre trip to parents house, waking up just before the phone call to say that she had passed, the trip back to the hospital, the nurses realising that I was the person whom she was asking for just the morning before Them tell us not to worry about packing my aunts stuff up, mum not listening and doing it anyway. The phone calls that had to be made.
Then the rest of the world woke up and I was lost, confused. My life had just been turned upside down and time was standing still. How could everyone still be going on about their daily lives as if nothing had happened? Then everything becomes a haze.
Where are you at now?
Still in the first 12 months of my loss. Grief is very much like the ocean and the best way to describe it would be this quote:
Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.
The more time that passes, the more my days become the calm ocean, but there are still quite a few days like a horrible ECL. When those days roll around, it is best to practice more self-care than normal and not shut myself off from the rest of the world even though I really want to.
I'm starting to smile at memories and not just cry. When seeing someone that reminds me of her, the heartbreak of realising it isn't her hurts a little less.
And I am so over people telling me how I should be grieving. It's like "you don't know what my relationship with my aunt was like, so shut your trap."
I come from a close-knit family, so of course, it is going to hit me differently than someone who barely knew/saw their aunt.
What helped you get through things then, and what helps now?
For the first week and a bit, I was surrounded by family, but then life had to continue and I went back home. It helped that I was in counselling at the time as they helped me get back on my feet and helped me come up with a plan to deal with the extra hard days, especially with the anniversaries. It was really hard to get the support I needed from home as it was like my family had become a todler, out of sight, out of mind. So my partner became the person I spoke to about things, which only made our relationship stronger.
Now that the communication lines are open with back home, things are a lot easier. We are still tackling the harder stuff as a family such as dealing with the contents of the family home, and making sure we are there for each other when dealing with the difficult stuff / days.
The most important thing to remember is that everyone greives differently, there is no right or wrong way.
Nearly three years ago so I lost both my dad and a good friend of mine around the same time.
Things between my dad and I are so complex and things didn't finish on very good terms, he was quite sick in hospital the few days before he died. I went and saw him and I still regret that because it was an awful experience and I feel like we both would of been better off not seeing each other. He didnt want me to be there and made that really clear. When he died, at first I didn't quite realise just how big it was, I still hadn't fully processed it in my head. It kind of hit me a little later on though. Because our relationship had never been good at all his death also bought me added feelings of
- relief, then guilt because of that
- safety
- anger towards him
- confusion
So it was emotionally turbulent, and the people around me were trying to tell me I should be sad, I should be crying, but I felt different to that. It was confusing and I didn't feel like I was dealing with it properly.
There is still lots of and lots of questions that run in my head that will never answered.
Where are you at now?
Now, I find that I think about him a lot, some days I miss him and I'm learning that it's ok and normal even after what he put us through. I've started to learn that maybe I don't miss him, but I miss what could of been.
Other times, I breathe a sigh of relief when I walk out the door, because I'm safe from him. He can't hurt me anymore.
Earlier this year I found something in a box in my cupboard. It was a birthday card for my 19th birthday from my Dad. My dad never took any notice of my birthday and never ever cared. But this particularly year, he went to the effort of buying a card and writing on it for me. I still get upset when I think about it, it's one of those things that at the time I had no appreciation for, and now I feel kind of bad that I took the only love he had ever showed me, for granted.
What helped you get through things then, and what helps now?
When I'm angry or sad, I try to focus my attention on the good things in my life, like my siblings. I still have a couple of the friends that I had a few years ago when he died so they are ok to talk to if I'm feeling up to sometimes.
@j95 Your relationship with your Dad was complicated and often painful, but you've come so far in how you deal with your feelings around that experience and finding ways to accept how you grieve. It's so awesome to see 🙂
It's so beautiful that you try to incorporate her in the ways that you can, like by lighting a candle, @scared01.
How did you feel when you experienced a loss?
Not great at all. I lost my grandfather earlier this year. We had some warning, as he was in hospital for just over a week before he passed. I remember not being able to comprehend how someone could be there - so loud and present - one day, and then a few days later, just be...gone.
Where are you at now?
I've been dreaming about my grandfather a lot, and whenever someone brings him up in conversation, I feel quite sad and don't want to talk about it. I'm definitely doing better than I was, though.
What helped you get through things then, and what helps now?
My friends (one in particular) were a huge help, as I could text or call her about what I was feeling and she was always super supportive and understanding. Also, doing things to take my mind off all that stuff, to remember that there was a world outside the loss, was immensely helpful. Now, I try to be grateful for the time I had with him, and use it as a reminder to cherish the time I have with my friends and family who are still here.
hi @Ben-RO
and everyone else reading 🙂
1. i was completely devastated when i lost my nan 2 years ago. it was a very hard time but at the time i wasnt actaully able to grieve as i was holding my family esp my pop and mum together to ake sure they were ok as well as making sure my sisters had everything they needed so while i was devastated i had to remain strong for my family
2. im still struggling with the loss of her and it hasnt seemed to have eased much and this year is the first time experinecing things without her including her birthday, mothers day, easter, xmas and all the rest of the occasions and its still super super hard to cope without her
3. what helps me get through is on the special dates i will try to incorapte some of her into it whether it be lighting a candle, releasing her favourite colour balloon, going to one of her favourite places or cooking some thing she liked
i also try to remeber that shes not in any pain anymore and that she is watching over me as well
