Trigger Warning: self-harm
I've been struggling a bit the past few days and I'm at the point where I really want to resolve to pull myself out of it. However, I was struggling to write down my thoughts coherently on paper, so I thought writing them out on here, where I know I have an audience wider than just myself, might be helpful. Sorry in advance for the super long post.
So basically on Wednesday, my mum voiced her disapproval/inability to understand why I am friends with her sister, my aunt. Mum called my aunt a selfish bitch, among other things, and asked why I'd want to spend time with her. Mum argued that she would never spend time with anyone that I didn't get along with - therefore why would I spend time with someone she didn't like?
Ordinarily I'd simply have been able to articulate how I have every right to a friendship with my aunt or anyone else, and that relationship can co-exist with my connection with my mother. This time, it really got under my skin. My thoughts spiralled out of control and I ended up self-harming that day, and again today.
I've been feeling quite unmotivated and called in sick to work yesterday after sleeping in until 10am - both of which I wouldn't normally do. I'd planned to prepare lessons for my upcoming tutoring classes, as well as start getting organised for uni next year, neither of which got done. I know I still have time for those, so that's okay.
I also cancelled my NYE plans with a friend because I saw on Facebook that she'd said she was Interested in a NYE event on Facebook, which I took to mean that she wanted to go to that event rather than spend time with me. Obviously I have no way of knowing this for sure, and I just sabotaged myself there.
In order to move forward, I'd like to:
- clearly articulate my thoughts to give myself a bit of perspective, and formulate a plan for moving forward. Think I can tick that one off.
- maybe call or text my friend to see if rearranging NYE plans is possible. If not, accept it and forgive myself for the impulsive decision.
- attend my shift at work tomorrow and my volunteering shift
- read one of the books I need for tutoring - will aim to do that when I log off here
I feel much better for having written that out. Thank you so very muc to anyone who reads it and who is part of this community. I am grateful for you all.
Comments
Hey @letitgo, it sounds like you've been through a pretty difficult interaction with your mum, and like @Bay52VU said it's amazingly brave of you to share it on the forums!
I think it's also really good that you've planned out some things you could do in order to move on from what happened - sounds like a really great plan! Also feel free to let me know as well if there's any way we can support you further 
Hey @letitgo! Just wanted to check in with you and see how everything's going? Did you end up calling your friend? Hope you had an enjoyable new years either way 🙂
That's a really shitty and completly unfair situation for your mum put you in 😞 You absoltely have every right to have a relationship with your aunt! Do you think she may be lashing out because she is jealous that you have a better relationship with her sister than she has? I also feel like she is being a bit possessive/controlling of you, by trying to make you feel bad about something so that you then don't do it/feel bad about doing it... Is this something that happens often? If so, do you have strategies that usually help you cope with this?
Sorry for the late reply @Autumn23. I steered clear of the forums for a bit, but I'm back now!
I didn't end up calling my friend, no. I spent New Year's with my grandma, and had a lovely conversation with another of my friends, which thankfully snapped me out of my slump. How was your New Year's?
Thank you. I definitely think jealousy is a big reason for my mum's behaviour. It's either jealousy that I have a better relationship with her sister than she does, or that her sister has a relationship with me. Probbaly a combination of both. Thinking about it like that makes it easier for me to recognise that it's not my fault.
It is something that happens often, yes. I spoke to my psychologist about it, which was helpful. I usually do things like listen to calming music until my thoughts/feelings become more manageable, or go for a walk outside. For some reason last week all those strageies went out the window.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. 
I'm glad to hear you had a relaxing new years @letitgo! Mine was pretty chilled too, spent it with some friends at their house, we spent most of the evening just getting dressed up in silly costumes haha 
That's a really tough situaiton to be in with your mum, and one that I can certainly relate to but with my dad. It sounds like you have a lot of insight though, especially about it not being your fault, which is awesome!! With my dad it took me a really long time to realise that he was subtly controlling me by making me feel bad / guilty about things.. And that I really didn't deservse being made to feel like that..
Glad to hear you've got some great supports in your life and effective self care strategies New Years is a strange time (so many reflections on the year gone, expectations of the year to come) so maybe you can attribute your usual strategies not working to that..? I certainly hope so, and that the rest of your 2017 has been smooth sailing so far 
Hey @letitgo thanks for sharing what's been going on recently. It's really strong of you to write it out here and I'm glad that writing it out made you feel better.
Those are some really great problem solving steps too! 🙂 I really like how you've identified something to do about each of the things.
Is there anything that you'd like some support with or extra strategies?
Thank you so much for your kind words @Bay52VU. I really appreciate it!
At the moment I'm considering whether to call my friend. I'm pretty sure she's away with some other friends at the moment and I sent her a text earlier and she hasn't replied. I want to call because I'm feeling up to rememdying the situation, but I don't wan to call out of my own selfish motives while she might be relaxing. Does that make sense?
No problemo @letitgo 🙂
Yeah that makes sense. If it helps any, I think you might as well call her. If it's not a good time for her to talk, she can always leave it and call you back later. And if she's in the middle of relaxing then hopefully can go straight back to it after the call. Plus the sooner you both sort it out, the easier it will hopefully be to sort out NYE plans again.
But good luck with whatever you end up deciding 🙂
