Let’s Chat: Common Issues in Friendships
Friendships can be tricky sometimes, and the community can be a great place to ask for help. In fact, chats about friendship have come up a lot lately! We’ve put together this discussion to talk about some common issues in friendships, and collate the great advice we’ve seen from all of you..
We’ll be chatting about the following topics over the course of this week:
If reading this discussion is distressing at all for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support. We have a list of urgent support services you can contact here.
Comments
I absolutely resonate with and understand the struggles of losing friendship. My own current experience is difficult because I have finished high school so many of the friends I have/did have have changed into these new people as we reach adulthood and begin our lives. It is natural to drift away and change from the people you were friends with as you all change. It, however, doesn't make it anymore easier.
Hey @starryintrovert ,
Thank you for sharing your experience around losing friendships. Leaving school can often lead to friendship breakdowns as sometimes we go on different paths to that of our friends. Moving into adulthood can also be a contributing factor and as you said, it is totally natural and a process almost everyone goes through in life! You mentioned that we all change and this is very true, is there anything else that you find reassuring when you're going through these times?
I think the friends that I've made out of high school in particular reassure me that I can still form more friendships and bonds with other people. I didn't have to push my friendships to last if they didn't after high school and the friendships that lasted after high school have grown even stronger
Having similar experiences mentioned in this post, I can totally understand. I felt extremely upset before, but now I can accept and face even when a relationship ends. Although it is still sad, at least I won't be crying over the whole day about the ending relationship. It is also a progress of learning. 🙂
Hey @square thanks for sharing your experience with ending relationships. It can be such a personal thing, but it sounds like you feel more resilient having gone through previous upsetting endings to relationships, which is great to hear 🙂
9. Judgements from others
Sometimes other people in our lives have something to say about our friendships. It can be difficult to know how much weight we should give to input from others about our friendships, especially when it’s coming from people we trust and want approval from. So what do you do if someone disapproves of your friends? Or what if you feel pressured to be friends with someone you don’t like?
Advice from the community:
- Reflect on your own needs and wants, and where these come from.
- Communicate openly and honestly with those involved.
- Consider whether the opinions of others are realistic and/or justified.
- Know that ultimately we can’t escape other people’s judgements — so stick to your values and what brings you happiness in your friendships.
Some resources you might find helpful:
- Conflict between family and culture
- How to cope when things feel out of your control
- Are you in a toxic friendship?
Over to you!
Have you experienced pressure about your choices in friends? Did anything help at the time?
Over to you!
What do you think about these common themes we’ve noticed? Do any of these resonate with you or is there something we’ve missed that you’re comfortable to share? What advice would you give or have you found useful for issues in friendships?
10. The loss of a friendship
Ending a friendship can be really tough. You might be feeling angry, sad, hurt, confused, relieved, or any number of emotions. The end of any relationship can come as a loss, and you may even experience grief.
Whatever the circumstances around the friendship break-up, whether it was mutual, their decision or yours, or out of both of your control, it’s important to make sure you’re feeling supported.
Tips from the community about how to deal with a friendship break-up:
- Whatever you’re feeling is valid — be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel.
- Moving on doesn’t have to mean forgetting the good times — allow yourself to cherish those memories.
- It can and probably will feel bad for a while, but it does get easier with time.
- There might be something you can learn from this experience..
- Embrace meeting new people, and be open to new experiences.
- You don’t have to go through it alone.
Remember that not all of these suggestions will be right for you, and that’s okay. The loss of a friendship can be a very personal thing.
Some resources you might find helpful:
- The Mate Breakup: 6 ways to make sure you’re okay when a friendship ends
- Grieving a lost relationship
Over to you!
What advice would you give to someone going through a friendship breakup?
7. Jealousy and envy among friends
Jealousy and envy can be uncomfortable feelings to sit with, especially in friendships. There’s envy, which can bring up feelings of resentment about wanting something our friend has that we don’t. And then there’s times when we feel jealous, perhaps when our friends start spending more time with other people, or if our crush is more interested in our friend than us.
Often envy and jealousy occur with other thoughts and emotions, including:
- worries about rejection or feeling lonely
- feeling bad about ourselves or like we are falling behind
- feeling guilty for having negative feelings towards our friends.
Here’s some advice from our community members:
- It’s natural for jealousy and envy to come up in friendships.
- Try not to take out your frustrations on your friend or other people involved.
- Tell your friend, or someone you trust about how you’re feeling.
- Challenge any negative beliefs you might hold about yourself.
- Get some space from the situation.
- Try some self-care strategies.
Some resources you might find helpful:
- 5 ways to feel better about yourself
- How to deal with feelings of being behind
- A guide to dealing with jealousy
Over to you!
What advice would you give to someone experiencing envy or jealousy in a friendship?
8. (TW) Responding to problematic conflict
Conflict is a natural part of interacting with others, including with friends. It can happen for a lot of reasons, from hurt feelings or crossed boundaries, to opposing values or beliefs. Conflict isn’t always a bad thing, but it becomes problematic when someone feels unsafe or not respected. It can escalate to harmful words and behaviours, including exclusion, deliberately damaging a reputation, bullying, abuse, and violence.
Bullying and abuse can happen in friendships, and it can be hard to acknowledge when things have gone too far, or to tell a friend they’ve hurt you. There might also still be good parts to your friendship or you might be worried of becoming isolated if you end things.
If interactions with your friend have led to you feeling scared, unsafe, bad about yourself, or uncomfortable, it might be a sign that things have become toxic. Remember, you don’t have to face this alone.
Here’s what the community said:
- Sometimes open communication might not work to resolve things.
- Seek help from a trusted person or support service.
- Take care of yourself and keep yourself safe if things have escalated.
- Try to connect with new people who you like and feel safe with.
Some resources you might find helpful:
5. Asking a friend for help
Reaching out to a friend is not always easy. You might have wanted to ask them for help for a while now, or to tell them you're not okay, but something has gotten in the way. You might be worried about:
- how your friend will react
- being a ‘burden’
- ruining the friendship in some way
- whether your friend is the right person to talk to.
It could even be that it’s a topic you find really difficult to talk about. Whatever the barrier you’re facing is, you are not alone.
What the community said:
- You’re not a burden and you’re worthy of getting help.
- Consider what you feel comfortable sharing.
- Talk to a friend that you trust– someone who is supportive and has your best interests at heart.
- Practise or write down what you might say before you have the chat.
- If things don’t go well, don’t give up – acknowledge your strength and bravery for reaching out and speak to someone else (e.g. someone you trust, the online community, or even professional support).
Something that really stood out here is to keep trying. It can be really tough when asking for help hasn’t gone well in the past, but there are people who care and who will listen.
Some resources you might find helpful:
- Our Guide To: Asking for help
- How to find your trusted person when you need support
- 5 steps to talking to someone you trust
Over to you!
Let us know what you think about asking a friend for help, and if you have any tips or experiences you’d like to share.
6. Responding to changes in a friend’s behaviour
Have you ever had a friend suddenly stop talking to you, and you’re unsure why? Or a friend who randomly started to act differently? It can be hard not to worry about all the possible explanations for this change. You might be concerned that f it was something you’ve said or done, or if your friend is struggling with something. Or what if they’re just busy?
So how do you ask your friend if they’re okay or not upset with you while also giving them space?
Here’s what the community said:
- It’s okay to check in with your friend, it shows you care.
- Make sure you’re looking after yourself first.
- Reach out to other people you trust for support.
- Try not to take their actions personally (even though this can be hard).
- Know when it’s time to step back, and when you’ve done everything you can.
Sometimes we never get closure as to why people start acting differently, and it sucks. But there will always be someone you can talk to and people who can relate.
Some resources you might find helpful:
- What makes a good friend?
- How to ask a friend if they're okay
- 4 steps for coping with changing friendships
- Looking after yourself when caring for someone else
Over to you!
Do you have any advice or experiences about responding to changes in a friend's behaviour which you’d like to share?
3. Navigating social expectations
The messages we receive from society about how we should act can be confusing. Not only do they change over time, but they also differ across communities, groups, and cultures. On top of this, social rules are not always obvious, as they can rely on interpreting subtle social cues.
While acting a certain way in society can keep us safe and help us get along with others, sometimes these behavioural expectations can lead to feelings of pressure and worry, and can impact our friendships.
Some examples of concerns the community shared:
- wanting to be friends with people who are “popular” so you aren’t looked down on
- worrying about how you will be perceived because of a friend’s behaviour
- feeling confused about how you should act or what interactions mean in friendships, such as with people of the opposite gender
- worrying about being judged if you open up or be yourself around friends.
What the community said about navigating expectations:
- reflect on what is important to you, and what you value
- acknowledge that messages from society, friends, and family can be confusing
- stick to what you feel comfortable with when you feel pressured.
If social expectations clash with your own values or negatively impact how you feel in your friendships, it might be time to reflect on how important these expectations really are.
Some resources you might find helpful:
- How to deal with pressure from your parents
- What is peer pressure?
- 7 different friends you'll have in your life
Over to you!
What have your experiences with social expectations been like? Have they impacted your interactions with friends? Do you have any advice to offer?
4. Navigating boundaries in friendships
Boundaries are a key part of all relationships, and friendships are no exception. It’s important that you set and maintain your own boundaries (i.e., what you are and aren’t comfortable with) and also respect other people’s. Having clear boundaries can help reduce or prevent ongoing negative feelings like hurt, resentment, and anxiety.
You may be wondering, if boundaries have so much going for them, why can they be so difficult? It’s really common for things like avoidance, fear of abandonment or rejection, and isolation to make boundaries more difficult to navigate.
Setting and maintaining boundaries
Sometimes, it can be hard to tell a friend when enough is enough. And even harder when this doesn’t sit well with them. So what do you do when your friend’s reaction to you setting boundaries isn’t what you hoped for and you’re left feeling worse?
What the community said:
- Setting boundaries is ok and not something you need to feel guilty about.
- Ultimately how people react is out of your control.
- Seek support from other people you trust.
Respecting your friend’s boundaries
Though it is really important to respect other people’s boundaries, it can be hard sometimes. If you’ve grown up in an environment with inconsistent messages or rules, or if you’re feeling unsupported generally, it can be difficult when other people set boundaries. You might feel hurt, confused, or even angry when someone you’re close to sets a limit in your relationship.
What the community said:
- Open communication is key,
- It’s okay and possible to express your feelings and needs while also respecting your friend’s boundaries.
- Be willing to come up with a compromise if possible (but don’t force it).
Some resources you might find helpful
- 7 tips for dealing with change
- 3 steps to better communication
- Our Guide To: Boundaries - ReachOut Forums
- AMAA Boundaries
- Being assertive and setting boundaries
Over to you!
Let us know what you think about boundaries in friendships, and if you have any tips or experiences you’d like to share.
2. Meeting new people and making friends
Is meeting new people and making friends something you struggle with? If it is, you’re definitely not alone. Whether you’ve struggled to make connections all your life or it’s become harder as you’ve gotten older, the community has your back.
Many of you have shared some obstacles you’ve encountered when forming connections, including:
- finding people who really “get” you
- moving beyond “superficial” conversations
- knowing where to meet people
- putting communication skills and strategies into practice
- struggling to trust people
- being neurodiverse in a neurotypical world.
Some suggestions from the community about making new friends included:
- joining a social group (e.g., club or society)
- practising self-care
- going to new places
- acknowledging that making friends can be really tough at different points in your life for different reasons (e.g., transitions from school)
- pushing yourself out of your comfort zone
- having conversations online and face-to-face
- challenging unrealistic expectations.
Some resources you might find helpful:
- How to Make Friends & Meet New People
- How to make friends at school
- 9 things not to say or do when meeting someone new
- A guide to conquering social awkwardness
Over to you!
Have you ever struggled with meeting new people and making friends? What’s something that’s helped you?
1. Loneliness and belonging
Loneliness hurts. It’s something many, if not all, of us have experienced at one point or another. You don’t have to be physically alone to feel lonely. You might feel like no one really understands you, or wants to. You might be feeling excluded or disconnected from others. You might know why you’re feeling lonely or struggle to find a reason you feel this way.
Perhaps we can think of belonging as the opposite of loneliness. Most of us want to feel like we belong somewhere. To have a safe person or group of people who we can be ourselves with, and feel understood and valued by. It makes sense that sometimes loneliness can come up because we don’t feel like we belong.
What the community said about loneliness and belonging:
- Talk to someone you trust, or a mental health professional, or even seek support from the Community.
Comparing yourself to others can be unhelpful (e.g., if someone has “lots” of friends).
Reflect on the people you’re currently surrounding yourself with and whether they are supportive.
Try engaging in some self-care strategies or hobbies.
If you’re wanting to meet new people, start small.
Acknowledge the strengths in the steps you’ve already taken.
Stay connected with friends even when you’re apart (e.g., on holidays, living far away).
Some resources you might find helpful:
Over to you!
Let us know what you think about loneliness and belonging. Feel free to share any tips about how you manage loneliness!
