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TW. New Psychiatrist and Finding Work
Hey everyoneee so I already have a post about changing psychologists and now it’s time for one about psychologists.
I’m meeting a new one on Friday for management of my bipolar. I’m getting kind of nervous now and was wondering if anyone had any preparation tips?
I want to be prepared so I’m going to make a
- Simple timeline of my mental health journey
- List of medications I’m on and have been on
- Current symptoms
- How it affects my life
Everything feels confusing, feeling constantly let down by doctors who haven’t helped me feel better like they said they should. It’s hard not to second-guess myself sometimes. Like over the phone yesterday, my current psychiatrist saying my blood test results ‘were fine’ even though those levels haven’t been in the past, and I have been thinking this is the worst depressive episode I’ve had in months. But now I’m even more confused.
On a separate note- I have a casual job in a local bakery, have finished my Tafe course in the health industry and am half-heartedly looking for work in the disability industry. My parents are pushing me to apply for some jobs but I’m scared of changing jobs, at least right now.
New psychiatrist on Friday might mean medication change. I am not changing jobs partway through a medication change.
My energy levels are so dodgy. Whenever I work a full day, I’m wiped out for the next few. Although I did work Friday afternoon, Sunday afternoon, then a full day Monday. But still, I’m so wiped out from not that much work. And I’m really struggling to get through my shifts at the moment with my energy.
I’ve applied for one job that was promising a few weeks ago, but haven’t heard back yet. Thinking about my health I’m really second-guessing what I would say to them if they offered me a job.
I was wondering if anyone has anyone found any particular styles of work has worked best with them and whatever health issue they have?
Comments
Hey Akinna, nice to hear from you. I completely understand your hesitation around meeting up with a new psychiatrist, especially if you've been let down by mental health professionals in the past. I can definitely relate to this experience. When I was first looking for a psychologist, it felt like dating - I would go meet this person, and we either wouldn't 'click' or they just didn't know how to help me or to meet my needs. Luckily, I kept searching and finally found someone that really works for me, so I hope that that gives you a bit of hope that it is possible to find someone that works for you (hopefully this next psych!).
It seems totally fair to be confused and a bit uncertain about getting a new psych, but it sounds like you're planning on preparing some good information like a timeline of your mental health and how it affects you so that you guys can get the ball rolling straight away. You mentioned that Friday might bring about a change to your medication - how are you feeling about that possibility?
As for the idea of changing jobs, I definitely get your hesitation around that too. Trying to manage your mental health when it's bad AND working is a huge commitment, and can sap a lot of energy. It sounds like your parents are keen for you to get a new job, but ultimately you know what you need, and if that's to stay in a job where you are comfortable and familiar with everything while you navigate these changes in your personal life, I think that's a really mature and thoughtful decision.
Personally, I've found that any kind of work can be a little tough when you're struggling with feeling depressed or exhausted, but that good support goes a long way in the workplace. For me, when I've been struggling in the past, it's made a huge difference to work at places where I feel a) comfortable and supported and b) passionate or at least content with the work I'm doing. That could look very different for different people, but I feel like as long as work isn't bringing you heaps of stress and turmoil, then work wherever it makes you happy😃 There's no rush to jump into a new job just because you've finished your TAFE coursework, especially if you've got other priorities like looking after your mental health. Other job opportunities will be there when you're ready to take them if now doesn't feel like the right time. You mentioned that work has been wiping you out lately and that you've been struggling to get through your shifts. Does your manager know that you're having a tough time?
Hey @Portia_RO
So first off, my emails had a reply to this post from @Courtney-RO
before you replied, but there is nothing showing on my account which is weird
Hopefully this new psychiatrist is helpful. But I'm feeling really nervous. At least this time we are starting with the Bipolar diagnosis. But still.
Potential medication change... I'm scared at that thought but also hopeful if that did happen. Scared based on how awful my last medication change was. But hopeful that if I did change any medications, at least something would be changing, hopefully for the better.
I was talking with a friend today, and they said you don't want to make too many changes which is very true.
Yeah literally anything is hard when you're mental health is bad. So it's tricky when it's constantly bad 😅
I'm currently a kitchen hand in a local bakery. I've know my boss and their family my whole life, they have kids my age. My boss knows I have bipolar and is very nice. She's said to let her know if there's anything she can do, but I honestly don't think she could do anything anyway.
Some of the chefs I've known for longer know about my diagnosis, but not much more, except one who I've told a little. Like she's the supervising chef tomorrow, and I said I would be a little late because of seeing a new psychiatrist. I told her earlier in the year I was going to change psychiatrists, so she knows what it's about and is happy for me that I finally get to see a new one.
Being in a kitchen (most of the time) is very full on, on your feet, all day. I'm good at getting stuck in my own head while I’m working which isn't great. The work can get quite overwhelming at times, which is normal. But when doing a very simple task feels overwhelming, that's when I know I'm struggling.
My thought patterns (like fear of being a burden) also affect hope much energy I have at work. So it can be a bit of a negative mental cycle. My mind affecting my work, and my work affecting my mind.
I'm seeing the need to talk about my Bipolar a bit more. I even managed to casually drop it in sentence with a new-ish friend today! I finally feel like I'm making some friends I can trust and talk about my bipolar with, which is nice.
I actually just had a really nice day with some of them.
It’s just a challenge trying to let myself enjoy it, and not immediately falling back into my dark headspace and throughout patterns (I’m safe)
That is so weird, thank you so much for letting us know @Akinna, i'll look into it 😊
I can definitely understand why you might be feeling nervous about meeting with a new psychiatrist though, especally after everything you have had to go through. Similar to how @Portia_RO put it earlier, the way I like to think of it, is that you have to meet a few frogs before you find the right one. I actually apply that to a lot of things in my life too. Do you have a favourite quote or saying that helps you?
I'm sorry to hear that your last medication change wasn't very nice. I can only imagine how horrible that was for you. I just want to say that it shows just how strong you are as a person and I think you should be really proud of yourself for getting through so much.
It sounds like your workplace really care about you and have been really supportive of everything thats been happening. I also think its really great to hear that you've got such a good support network around you, including your friend. You mentioned that your friend said not to make too many changes, how do you feel about that? Mental health can be really hard because any small change can actually lead to something big, like medication for example.
I also think its really great to hear that you've been talking about your Bipolar more. What do you think has caused you to want to talk about it more? Well done on dropping it into conversation! That takes a lot of courage. Personally, I have learnt so much from people wanting to talk to me about their diagnoses. I also feel like it could be helpful for your friends too as they are able to understand whats going on and hopefully be able to support you a bit better. Its also really great to hear that you finally feel like you are making friends you can trust and feel comfortable opening up to, that really is such great news!
It can be a challenge not to fall back into a dark headspace, so I just want to remind you that you're never alone @Akinna and we're always here for you if you ever want to talk 💜
If you feel up to it, we would love to hear how your appointment goes tomorrow too 💕
Thanks @Courtney-RO for your encouragement
Man I was so nervous about that appointment. Afterwards my mum admitted she was too. But I think it went good.
No medication changes yet 😅We’re doing a genetics test to see what medications are and aren’t going to help me, which will be pretty cool. He seems more friendly than the other psychiatrist I’ve been seeing.
Over this last year, my mum definitely has not believed my bipolar 2 diagnosis. But I think she might now after that appointment, from have someone else say that diagnosis is probably reasonable.
But it hurt when she and dad were saying at least I don’t have bipolar 1 because that’s when people do dangerous things. I guess that was their way of reassuring themselves and coping with my diagnosis. But comments like that hurt me. Even though my parents actively help me get medical treatments, comments like this feel a bit dismissive and just increase my self-invalidation. It contributes to me feeling guilty for needing help. It just makes me believe even more that I’m not ‘bad enough to deserve help’ (a weird belief my brain has created). And at the end of the day, the people who make these comments don’t know the full story. So it hurts even more knowing that people are making comments like that without even knowing all the information.
The hardest part is when your Mum thinks she knows the answer to certain questions when really, no one apart from me knows the whole story. So it’s painful to go through those questions. So parts of it were a bit upsetting but I couldn’t show it. 😭
There’s some things I choose not to talk about (like things that came up in that appointment) because it’s in the past, and I don’t want people (like my mum) to be hurt and upset about something they can’t change. I don’t know how to talk about them even if I tried. But I think they’re things I should talk about with my psychologist because even though things that have happened in the past that only I know about, I feel like I’m definitely still experiencing some repercussions. I feel like I have to finally acknowledge what has happened in order to validate myself and keep moving on.
And when the psychiatrist asked about issues others with mental health problems might experience, and I haven’t experienced them… that just made me compare myself to others and feel bad.
There were definitely some hard parts to that appointment.
I’m relieved to have that new psychiatrist appointment out of the way for lotsssss of reasons. Like now I’m confident I’m not about to have a medication change, I feel a bit more calmer when it comes to applying for a new job.
I think the not too many changes at once makes sense like if you are going through a medication changes, and you decide to change jobs halfway through. Because that would be even more overwhelming and messy.
I heard a quote recently (I think from voices of hope) that nothing changes if nothing changes.
Which is so true. Right now, I feel like I need something to change. So I’ve met a new psychiatrist, then hopefully something changes.
Surface level talking about my bipolar with others… nothing changes if nothing changes. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling very alone, and I don’t like that. I’m thinking if I start taking tiny little steps to sharing information with people I trust, then that might help me feel a little less alone, and help me live a little more.
One of the next things I have to do is write an email to my psychologist ready for our session on Wednesday. During the 1.5yrs I saw my old psychologist (apart from two times) I had very negative reactions to our sessions. I would leave feeling just as bad if not worse than when I came. But as it was still very early on in my treatment journey I just didn’t know how to talk about it.
As I changed psychologist I hoped these feelings/issues would go away, and they did. Until my last session. So I’ve realised that is probably an important issue to address in order for me to make progress and feel better.
So that’s going to be a fun thing to do! (Sarcasm)
Goodnight everyone 🙂 (I’m safe)
Hey @Akinna
It sounds like overall the appointment with the new psychiatrist went well - I'm so happy to hear this! You've done so well to get to this point and get through the nervousness you had before the appointment too. You mentioned that there were some things you felt you couldn't say because your mum was there. I can totally understand that, do you think next time you could ask to have some time in the appointment where you can speak to the psychiatrist on your own? I know personally, it has been really important to get some validation from a professional, so being able to speak out everything I wanted to really helped with that. Do you feel like you were still able to get that regardless of your mum's comments?
It sounds like it's a relief for you that you don't have to change medication at the moment. And I love your thoughts on 'if nothing changes, nothing changes'! Remember that changes don't need to be big things, you can make little changes that can make a big difference and aren't as daunting 😊 Are there any little changes you would like to think about making for yourself?
Great to hear you're going to write an email to your psychologist before your session on Wed. I'm sure they will really appreciate you sharing that with them too. You're helping yourself by voicing how you felt after the session, but also helping them understand how they can support you in the best way too. A win for everyone! Let us know how it goes 💜
Urgh just wanted to say hi to anyone who's here because I just got my psychiatrist report emailed to me and even though it's all accurate it was really hard to read so now I'm just crying in the backyard which watching my dogs 😞
Hi @Akinna, I'm sorry you're having a tough moment after reading your psychiatrist's report, but I'm glad you reached out to say hi. Those reports can be a bit confronting sometimes, so I totally understand why it might have been hard to read. Was there any part in particular that made you upset?
Glad you've got your dogs for some company - I'm convinced pets have magical healing powers that make tough days seem lighter❤️
Just everything was a bit hard to read@Portia_RO
Especially the specific stuff where he said I didn't talk about it.
It just all sucks
Yeah pets are pretty good. I think I've convinced myself to go for a bike ride so hopefully that helps a bit
It does suck @Akinna, hearing about yourself and your mental health from someone else's perspective can be a really jarring experience. When you say that there's specific stuff where he said you didn't talk about it, is he suggesting that you're holding back or keeping information from him? You mentioned in your previous post that there's some things you don't know how to talk about, and in my mind, that's completely okay, especially for a first session. It takes a lot of trust and comfort to feel like you can open up about hard things, and if that takes some time to build, then that's okay too.
After receiving this report, I'm curious - how are you feeling about seeing this psychiatrist again?
A bike ride sounds like a great idea, I hope you find it relaxing and enjoy the fresh air 💙
There were some specific questions where I actually said 'I don't like talking about that.' Which is when my mum jumped in with the answer she thought was correct. But... anyway it's good he added that I didn't want to talk about that specific stuff because I didn't. Haven't with anyone so... maybe one day. And my Mum's answers weren't completely correct, but they were only based on the minimal answers I have provided in the past.
The email I sent my psychologist ready for tomorrow's app was a bit more direct but still vague but at the same time clear about some issues that probably need addressing.
I still think seeing this new psychiatrist would be a good thing. He had some good treatment suggestions, like a genetics test to look at medications will and won't help me. He's a bit friendlier. And the guy I have been seeing is at least as old as my grandparents, and we want someone for long term management.
Bike ride was good, especially since I rode to my favourite bakery (I actually work there so I'm a little biased) and got myself a drink as well. Then I drank it at a nearby park by the river.
Anyway nothing like medical professionals reminding you how messed up you really are 🙃
It sounds like it was a really hard appointment @Akinna but I think it was really brave of you to mention that there were certain things you didn't like talking about. Seeing a new psych can be really scary, so its understandable that you may not feel like telling them everything straight away. I know you mentioned that your mums answers weren't necessarily correct, but did you find it helpful having her there to support you through it?
I think its really great that you have sent them an email with things you'd like to address, I feel like that in itself takes a lot of courage and proves just how determined you are to get through this.
I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed your bike ride too! There's nothing better than a good bakery, even if you are a little biased 😊 I love being able to jump on my bike and go for a ride, I just wish the weather was a little bit nicer!
I also just want to say that you're not messed up, You have been working so hard @Akinna and I think you deserve so much credit for everything that you have achieved so far 💜
Mum being there @Courney-RO … she’s only there for psychiatrist appointments now, which is ok. For initial appointments, she knows more about family background. And it’s good to have someone else writing down medication changes.
Having her there does make it a little bit harder to be more open. It’s just that she cares and I don’t want her to feel hurt anyone than does right now based on how much she currently knows about my mental health.
My old psychologist used to have mum in at the start and end of our sessions, which I didn’t like. But my new psychologist doesn’t, which I like.
I was sooooooo anxious about my psychologist appointment yesterday. After how I felt after my last one, and the stuff I put in my email, I felt like I was kind of imploding with anxiety.
But it went good. I’m glad I said what I said in the email. I was basically trying to say I think we need to be addressing things that haven’t been addressed. I don’t know if she had already come to that conclusion herself or not, but she was talking about that too.
Talking about things I’ve never talked about is a bit scary. But nothing changes if nothing changes…
She told me to try to take the pressure off myself, which is something I needed someone to say. She even checked in at the end of session to see if I was feeling ok. I wasn’t as bad as last session. But I hate the habit of always saying you’re ok even when you’re not.
It was also pretty cool listening to how my rights in therapy have changed now I’m 18. It’s nice to not be treated like just a kid 🙂
Something I’m really struggling with is validation and acceptance. I think I believe I have bipolar, but it’s still hard to accept. And I’m very good at self-invalidating how I feel and how I have felt in the past, thinking maybe I was making it up/wasn’t that bad/idk what else.
My psychologist was talking about writing validating statements, but my brain just won’t believe them. Since my app yesterday, I was thinking maybe I should try writing down pieces of evidence/facts about my mental health and my mental health journey. If I do, then maybe I would be able to believe validating statements a bit more.
Also, I don’t really talk about my bipolar. It’s hard, especially with my family, who really care about me. But maybe if I did talk about it more, even just surface level, then it would be easier to accept and validate that I have bipolar. I was thinking maybe I could make the goal of saying bipolar out loud in conversation/to someone else, just once a day. And maybe telling my family about that goal.
What do you guys think?
I’ve also come up with a list of things that I think should be addressed some time in therapy. Like beliefs, memories, my mh journey, journals, and two (maybe three) particular English assessments I wrote that are directly mental health related 🤭
The first assessment was a monologue we had to do based off a play. I did mine from the viewpoint of one of the characters literally right before they attempted. My English teacher thought it was great acting, but really it was just me.
The next was a narrative I wrote in an exam, which was basically me venting about my life, in the disguise of a narrative. The teacher marking it wrote ‘concerning’ on it. My english teacher kind of talked to me and kept an eye on me the rest of the year. And when I walked past the head of English (who was a past teacher of mine) she said something to me like they care about me or whatever.
The third one isn’t as bad. It was when I was in the class of the teacher who marked that narrative, but the next year. I had already openly told him I had depression (which turned out to be a misdiagnosis) at the start of the year, like I decided to tell all my teachers. I might have already decided to leave school early by the time of this assessment, which he would have known about. It was a poem about depression that I’m pretty proud of. After marking that ‘concerning’ narrative exam the year before, I don’t think that poem would have freaked him out at all. Based on that previous exam and my brief few sentences I’d told him in person, I’m pretty sure he would have read between the lines of my assessment pretty well. Although my friend wanted to read it (she knew I had depression) and she started crying when she did so… 😅
Lol did anyone ever do that too?
Also, sh really is an addiction 😞 I haven’t in over ten months, but it is SOOOOOOOOO HARD. It’s like one day I started thinking about it, one day I acted, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since then. I guess therapy will help once I’m able to force myself to bring it up but still 😭😭😭
It sounds like it can be really helpful having your mum there for certain appointments @Akinna but I can definitely understand that having her there would make it harder for you to open up. It can be so hard to open up when we know how much our family care about us because we don't ever want to worry them with some of the things that we think about or feel.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes" That's a really great way to think about it. If we don't change anything, how can we expect a different result? In saying that, it is easier said than done, so I also think its important to give yourself credit for trying, even when things don't work out 😊
You mentioned that she checked in with you at the end of your session but that you hate the habit of always saying you're okay when you're not. So I am just wondering what stops you from telling her how you are really feeling? Do you think its a conscious decision not to bring it up?
I also want to say that recognising that you're struggling with acceptance and validation is HUGE and I think you should be super proud of yourself for talking it through with her (and us!). It sounds like she has been really helpful and even has some great strategies for you to try. It can be really hard to accept your feelings after telling yourself that it wasn't that bad or that you could have made it up, for so long. But that just means that it will be even more special when you are able to recognise and accept them.
I love your idea about adding Bipolar into casual conversation! I think that's such a great goal to set yourself and I feel that including your family will hopefully makes things a little easier on you. You are doing such a great job @Akinna I hope you are just as proud of yourself as we are of you 💜
And thank you for letting us know that you're safe too!
Whoops probably should have added that I am safe because I am incase anyone is wondering ❤️