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TW: I don’t wanna be this way forever
I was doing better but then I let my ex back in my life he was 21 when I met him I was 16. He used meth I stayed being a little girl unaware I’d be here now 20 in oct and about to be homeless for the second time in a year addicted to meth. I try so hard to be better I wish I could be the girl I was I fear I’ll never be her again. I’ve lost everything from friends to my family & myself too. I am referred here and there but 7 months later I’m still a mess.
I never felt I fit in with my family so my ex boyfriend became the first adult i felt i could trust I don’t remember a time before him & when he left me back in February I gave up I just had no hope left. Now I am desperate to get my life back & my family constantly are yelling or kicking me out. They don’t even respect me anymore I’m not a person they say the meanest things & I find myself back at places that got me here in the first place it’s like once you use meth no one wants to know you your a junkie then and there which isn’t true it’s the way people treat you how you are cut out & isolated from any normality you only have people that are using left to turn to. I am sick of being yelled at everybody wants to tell you how your addiction affects them how hurt they are that you’re embarrassing them. It’s funny cause I held a job for a while I started using around 18 occasionally on the weekends after I found out my boyfriend had been cheating with guys behind my back for 3 years I felt like I wasn’t loveable or enough he always cheated with girls texting them stuff like that but to find out he had been keeping that a secret the whole time it broke me I am so over feeling all this pain i didn’t deserve this and now I only have me to blame for the mess I’ve made of my life but I was just alone and he abused me for years my family never cared for me & I had no one to run to or ask for help I was surrounded by meth users from 16-18 i never wanted to touch it until I found out his secret. I wanna know I can be that girl I was when I turned 18 I was so happy now I feel I’m disabled forever I have bpd & I fear I’ll never be able to work or be me again. I just can’t keep getting better just to be told how embarrassing I am and broken by my own family. Meth is a bad drug but all meth users aren’t bad people at least not at the start. Young people are using this drug all my friends to be fair I’m the only girl in the group now but they are all using it’s scary this drug is dangerous and the lack of education and misinformation made me just not believe anything they said in school because these people I saw on it were young working functioning adults for years.
Comments
hi @neenieriz , addiction is a challenging condition to overcome, and from my own experience, I find myself relying on my addictions in times when I can't face my life or emotions.
I'm wondering where you are at with things now?
Hey @neenieriz
Thank you for being so honest and for sharing this with us! I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to share all of this - it takes a lot of strength and bravery to do so.
I am sorry to hear that you have been going through such a difficult time for quite some time now. I can hear how hard you are trying to help yourself and get through this, even by reaching out to us shows just how hard you are trying!
I know that you mentioned that you haven’t had the support from your family and that they don’t respect you and are constantly yelling at you or kicking you out which I am sorry to hear. That must be very hard to have to deal with especially when you are trying to help yourself through this.
You mentioned that you were at risk of homelessness again, and I was wondering whether there were any other safe places that you could go if this does happen? I wanted to let you know that there are some crisis housing services that you can contact if needed including the state-wide homelessness line on 1800 825 955. There is also some more services and information you can access here.
I am also sorry to hear how you were treated by your ex-boyfriend and that he was abusive to you. No one ever deserves to be treated that way or has to experience that and I want to remind you that what has happened to you, is not your fault. You are not to blame for any of the things that has happened to you. How you were treated is in no way your fault and is out of your control. Even if you were feeling lonely, it does not mean that what happened to you was ever okay or because of anything you did.
It is understandable how painful it must have been for you to have found out that he was cheating on you. Being cheated on and having your trust betrayed by someone is incredibly painful and difficult for anyone to deal with. I can only imagine how much more challenging it must have been to not have the support from others whilst this was happening.
Dealing with addiction is something that unfortunately is very misunderstood and there is a lot of stigma around it. You deserve to be treated with respect and all the support to help you through this. I was wondering if there were any people in your life who provide you with some support, whether it be a friend, family member, GP, mental health professional or another service? You deserve all the support available to you and you don’t have to do this alone.
I wanted to let you know that ADIS (Alcohol and Drug Information Service) is available 24/7 and provide free confidential telephone counselling and support and you can call them on 1800 888 236. There is also some more information and support options available through directline here.
Thank you again for being so honest with us, we can hear how difficult things have been for you and how much you are trying to help yourself and we want to remind you that you don’t have to do this on your own, we are all here to listen and support you as best as we can.
Hey there @neenieriz and welcome to the forums. Thank you for being so open and sharing your story with us, it's not always easy to do so.
It sounds like you've been having a really rough ride over the past few years. From feeling unsupported and outright rejected from your family, to being treated so poorly by your boyfriend, it's no wonder you've done anything you can to cope. Something that you mentioned a couple of times is the desire to return to being the person you were when you were 18. It's a totally normal thing for folks who have experienced a lot of trauma to try to find their way back to who they were. Since we're always changing and growing, it is never too late for us to begin our healing journey and work on rebuilding our sense of self - a self that aligns with our values, that we're proud of, and that we might grow to love.
If you ever want support or someone to talk to about the abuse you've been through, 1800RESPECT is an excellent organisation to look into, and you can call them any time.
I am sorry to hear that you've been treated so poorly based on the stigma that exists around addiction. You are worthy, you are good enough, and you do deserve love, compassion, kindness, and respect. There's an organisation called Turning Point, they've got a bunch of resources and stuff on their website, as well as a counselling service.
please do keep us in mind if you ever want to chat, or even if you just need to vent, or find others who might know what you're going through. You don't have to be alone 💚