Old Friend, New Friends

[012EmC]

So i have a friend... well not really a friend anymore... i dont know where we stand. We have known each other forever... we went to playgroup together and primary school and now high school. She hasnt been the nicest friend to me: she always thinks my life is boring, and never says my hair looks nice, or compliments me on anything, she just complains about my life for me. And we dont really have the same beliefs or values. Ive always found it hard to tell her my opinion about anything so i always agreed, even when she called people fat or ugly, which i really hate. She is also very secretive, like when i ask her about her weekend she would say "oh i did nothing" when i know she had to have done something... i am kind of like, well what nothing have you been up to, like what have you been doing that is nothing. We would sit at lunch in silence and just eat, i guess because we became distant and had nothing in common. And because she was so secretive. Then i wondered why we were even friends. I hated lunch because i didnt talk to anyone, and i knew other people i knew were having so much fun. We went on camp, and other girls i knew came with us. We became closer and i decided that i would go and sit with them when we got back to school. I had had enough!! So when we got back to school i invited this girl to come sit with us. Maybe i offended her because she thought i didnt want to be friends with her. I just wanted other friends, nicer friends. Ok, maybe deep down i didnt want to be friends with her but i couldnt tell her that. Anyway, now she doesnt tell me anything, she ignores me, makes rude comments to me and thinks that i am a bad person, i guess. It is really annoying. I sent her an email to say that i just wanted her to be happy and that i was happy with my new friends. I dont know if she got it. And it doesnt bother me that she is being rude. It just causes a lot of tensions. I can tell that she feels socially awkward because she laughs loudly and smiles too much! And i want to know what she is thinking... if she blames everything on me, or if she is happy, or is she wants things to go back to the way they always have been. I want her to know that she can talk to me. I dont want to change now... i love my friends, but i just want to know if she doesnt like me, and what i should do cause i hate bringing it up with other people.

Sorry for writing a lot!

[Chonty]

Hiya @012EmC 

Firstly, you don't have to be sorry for typing too much, it's what the forums are for!

I can understand why you're feeling a bit upset about the situation, losing a friend that you've known for such a long time is always hard. Unfortunately sometimes when we get into highschool our personalities can change a bit, and you might end up just being interested in different things than what your friends like. It's good that you've found some new people to hang about with, and that you feel comfortable with. You mentioned that she seems a little socially awkward, which could explain why she's reacting like she is, but it's not really fair on you if she's making rude comments to you and causing tension. It also sounds like you've made a pretty good effort at trying to fix the relationship, and it's great that you let her know that you're there if she needs to talk

There's some pretty neat articles on Reachout about friendship troubles you can have a read through (here and here) and if you feel like you need to talk to a professional you can always give KHL and Headspace a go :]

I hope this helps a litle!

[012EmC]

Thank! Yeah I'm not really trying to fix the relationship but I don't want it to be awkward... Thanks again!!

[hartley_]

Hey @012EmC 

Sorry you have been having some trouble lately

It sucks when you dont really feel appreciated by friends

People can grow apart, it can be painful at the time but dont forget the good times you did have and all the things you would have learnt from your friendship and time with her

While you have been friends for a long time, if the relationship isnt working anymore then you dont have to try and force it if it makes you unhappy. Dont be friends with people out of habit! Do it because you both have a mutal respect and understanding and like hanging out together

[m-y93]

Hey @012EmC 

First of all I think you should be very proud of yourself for making new friends and trying to change your inner circle because you weren't very happy with your current situation. It's always hard trying to break free a friendship that has been going on for so long because you both became so comfortable with eachother. Unfortunately, sometimes with age personalities change causing people to grow apart. Maybe give your friend some space, then maybe try speaking to her and explaining your self. Help her see your side, hopefully she'll come around. In life people tend to lose and gain friendships it's inevitably a part of life so if things don't go how you would like them don't be too upset just focus on the friendships you have and remember the good times you had with your other friend. Enjoy high school and your youth while you can

All the best 

[trundlegirl]

its ok friends are always going to be different to us but thats what makes us closer, i know what it feels my best friend hates me and i dont even know why but we learn from mistakes and she will always be there for you

[Blueeyes]

@012EmC I'm glad you posted about this, it's something that happens a lot through life and I find is very tricky in a network such as school, uni, TAFE, work ect. They all have a very specific culture and impacts people in many many ways, some good some not so good. It makes it hard to discover oneself without biased, or influences.

People change, a lot! It may seem scary, but it is natural process. Changes are necessary, and has a lot do to with discovering our own identity - this never stops. I have never stopped discovering my own identity, I have changed many many times. This, in this moment is the best version of myself I have been so far. We drift away from old friends, sometimes it can be for years, and when we discover more about ourselves we realise how much we miss that persons positive impact on our life. Sometimes we drift away from good friends, and thats o-k. Sometimes they drift away from us and that is o-k too. All to our own journey! 

If you drift farther away, don't forget that it is quite likely in the future there is a chance you will grow close again! One of my favourite things is approaching an old friend after 3 years or something out of the blue, having a coffee, tea or hot chocolate date, especially if either of us is going through a rough time and reminiscing over the fun we had. It's so fulfilling and heart warming leaving glowing and thinking about positives for weeks!

Either way if you choose to let go a little bit, or keep communicating with her I wish you the best. Remember, put YOURSELF first! Always! Its not selfish, it's a necessity, and by doing this, we can help others and achieve happiness more effectively . Like my favourite psychologist always says, in an airplane you can put and oxygen-mask on the person next to you before. yourself, but you only helped one person for a huge sacrifice. Put your own on first, so you can help everyone on the plane, as well as yourself. Self-care is always a priority!