Divorce as a young adult
Hi everyone,
I have been going through a pretty tough year and wanted to reach out and see if anyone else has experienced something similar and has advice. I am feeling pretty lost!
Early this year my parents announced that they were getting divorced (which had been a long time coming), and that they will be separating into two houses. Their expectation is that my brother (22yo) and I (19yo) do 50/50 split time between houses, and in the effort of staying neutral this is my preference as well. However I am planning on starting Uni next year, and am really nervous that the 50/50 will make it hard to stay on top of my work and will affect my mental health. All the advice for dealing with parents divorce seems to be for school-aged kids or for young adults living separately from their parents. Is there anyone who has done split time as well as Uni studies, and was it achievable? How do you manage this process when you are also working/trying to save?
Comments
I'm really sorry to hear about your parent's divorce. This kind of change can be really difficult, even as an adult. My parents divorced when I was about 12, but my brother and I stayed 50/50 between houses until I was well into university and about 21 years old. I'm not going to lie, I often felt that living between two houses was stressful (moreso when I was in high school), but it was manageable and my parents were really supportive. I would do weird alternating weeks where I would be at my mum's house from Monday to Wednesday, then dad's Thursday & Friday and then alternating weekends. It got more complicated because then my dad wanted a perfect 50/50 split so we changed to alternating Wednesdays too 🤯 The only reason this could work was because my parents lived 10 minutes from each other though. My brother and I preferred it because we didn't have to pack and unpack a huge amount of stuff the time. Are you parents planning on moving far apart? Do you have a car? Things were a lot easier when I could drive because I could pretty much choose when I wanted to go over and if I forgot anything, I could go back to the other house. I think when I got into university, I started doing longer stints at either house so that could also be an option for you if your parents are happy with that.
For me, my university was in the CBD and I also worked in the CBD so I didn't have to worry too much about location when switching houses as both my parents houses were on the same tram line to get there. My dad was also really nice and would buy me whatever double-ups I needed (e.g. things like shampoo that I don't want to take back and forth).
I will say, that it was stressful at times, but I don't think it affected my uni studies much. University is generally pretty flexible which made things easier. I honestly never really thought about whether moving between houses was affecting my studies at all. The stress was usually short-term such as getting frustrated about not having one home because of logistical issues like forgetting items or realising you got the dates for what house you're at wrong and have to re-arrange plans. I got really good at packing what I needed so that only really took 10-30 minutes each time (even though I would procrastinate it). That being said, I was definitely used to it by the time I was in uni. I'm aware things may be harder for you to adapt to. I'm wondering if you'd be open to talking more about how you think it will affect your mental health and your studies? How are you feeling about the divorce itself?
I will also say, when I finally moved out on my own, it was somewhat of a relief. But I wouldn't change it, because it meant I got to spend so much time with each of my parents and make amazing memories along the way. Plus, I always got to have two Birthdays and two Christmases (and still do) 😆
If you have any questions or just want to talk, I would be happy to ❤️ It's definitely not an easy time and takes a lot of adapting. Things can get really complicated and its scary having to work out all the logistics at first. Uni can also take some adapting but I enjoyed it a lot more than school. What are you hoping to study?
Hi @dewgong, thank you for your response! It's nice to hear the perspective of someone who did it and enjoyed it. Feels a bit less scary. At the moment I have no idea where the second house will be (as my parents, brother and I have all been living together since the announcement...) but I know that my mum is going to try and stay close to make things a bit easier for us. I do have a car and can drive which will make it significantly easier to handle. I'm especially worried because my parents can be pretty controlling and (funnily enough) don't like each other very much so I think its going to be tough with having my own agency and choice in where I want to be.
I will be going to a uni fairly close to where I live now, so I am hoping that travel wont be too big of an issue. I am pretty worried that adjusting to the start of uni and adjusting to living in two places (depending on when my mum moves out) is going to be really difficult, especially because I am planning on studying Environmental Engineering/Science which will be pretty full on! I guess the hardest part right now is all the unknowns, which there isn't much that can be done about it. Thank you for taking the time to write out a response, I really appreciate your insight ❤️
Hi again @soldier_poet_king , I'm really glad to hear that my post made things feel a bit less scary. Wow, Environmental Engineering/Science sounds very full-on! But if it reassures you, universities tend to have a lot of support available, plus you get a place to escape to if things at home with your parents is stressful (I know I spent many many hours in the uni library studying or hanging out with people). Hopefully things start out a bit easier for you like they did for me. I used to work at my university too and there were lots of study options to lessen the load - for example, I added a year onto my study by doing 3 courses per semester instead of 4 (to allow me more time to work on the side). And I helped many students take leaves of absence or convert to part-time because of stressful events in their lives. So if things get too stressful, there are always options.
You've said your parents are pretty controlling but how do you think they might feel if you just lived in one place for the first few weeks of uni before you start the 50/50 routine? It might give you some time to adapt to one change first before adding on another one.
The unknowns are definitely stressful but I hope things start to look up for you 🥰 Good luck with uni and hope you get into the program you want 🤞
Hi! I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult time. It’s completely understandable to feel lost with everything changing, especially with your parents’ divorce and the added pressure of starting Uni. That’s a lot to navigate all at once.
Balancing a 50/50 split between two houses while managing your studies can definitely be challenging. It’s great that you’re open to this arrangement, but I can see how it might feel overwhelming, especially as you think about your mental health and workload.
Have you considered talking to your parents about how you’re feeling? They might be more understanding than you expect, especially since you’re all in this together. Establishing a routine that works for you could also help, and it’s okay to adjust that as you go along.
Connecting with other students who have faced similar situations could provide some valuable insights, too. You’re not alone in this, and reaching out for support is completely okay. Remember to take care of yourself and prioritize your well-being. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough. If you ever want to talk more, I’m here for you! 🙂
It sounds like you're going through an overwhelming period in your life at the moment. Uni is a huge adjustment on its own, let alone navigating a 50/50 split between two homes. You are doing your best to stay neutral and keep things fair which is admirable. It is ok to feel anxious about how this change will impact your future studies and mental health.
I personally have not experienced this situation, however, I suggest to establish a schedule which considers your study load and time at each home. You may even consider speaking to your parents regarding your concerns and see how they can support you throughout this transition.
You have clearly identified what could be challenging, which is a great start. Reaching out to your university for support could also help you during this time and learn how to better manage your new life demands.
I hope that you are well, looking forward to hearing from you 🤗
Hi @soldier_poet_king , welcome to the ReachOut community! It’s lovely to have you here 😊
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your situation with us. It’s completely valid to feel lost during such a challenging time. Navigating parental divorce is tough enough, it’s understandable to feel worried about the impact it may have on your well-being and study plans.
It sounds like you’ve already been through a lot this year with the news of your parents divorce. Even though it's something you felt had been coming, the reality of it still brings a lot of uncertainty. It’s completely understandable to worry about how the 50/50 split will impact your life moving forward. Balancing that new living arrangement with uni and work is no small feat, and it’s okay to feel unsure about how it will all come together.
I’m wondering what specific concerns you have when it comes to navigating university, work, and your mental health while managing the 50/50 split? Are there particular aspects of your routine or living arrangements you’re worried about most?
I'm also curious to know if you have had a chance to talk to your brother about how you're both feeling? Since your brother is in a similar situation, I wonder if it could be helpful to team up and plan ahead for the transition together.
I wanted to share some articles that will hopefully offer some useful insights:
It’s really great that you're reaching out for support ahead of time, hopefully giving you plenty of opportunity to plan for the transition. Take care of yourself during this period of change and uncertainty, and remember, it’s okay not to have everything figured out just yet.
