TW: I feel bad that I relate to those toxic relationship tiktoks

Things have been kind of okay. But lately, I've been seeing a lot of those tiktoks mainly discussing signs you're in a toxic relationship (typically with a partner). I've heard the lists of signs and red flags and I don't relate to them in a relationship kind of way. More like with my family. This is hard for me to talk about because all my life I've been told that a mother is good and always there for you. So whenever I try to share something about my own mother that bothers me, people always tell me im in the wrong and that it's terrible of me to perceive her that way. 

My mum has always been strict and tough. Her kind of love was tough. She would always say that she wasn't like other parents because she wouldn't lie about things or let you get away with things either. I grew up around my mother seeing another child acting out, telling me what she would do if she was that child's parent, me then thinking how bad what she said was but then realising that meant if I did that she would do those to me (kind of just like smacking a child if they threw a tantrum in public but it's not the 1970's, smacking a child isn't so helpful anymore). I have said this to past psychologists and other practitioners, but I feel abused. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally.

One thing about domestic/relationship violence that has stuck out to me is "when it's good, it's really good. But when it's bad, it's really bad". I feel like that is the case for me. I love my mum and I have so much fun with her, but only when she let's us. Only when she is in a good mood is anything ever good. When she's pissed off and grumpy everything changes. There's like a shift in the atmosphere. Kind of like how when you're in a room it's sunlit but then the clouds cover the sun and the room goes a bit grey. 

It's sad for me to admit this but I want to cut ties with my mother when I'm older. Or at least have some time away from her to heal myself a little. I feel like I've gone through quite a bit and need that time to resolve self conflict in order to resolve tension and issues with others. She has cut ties with almost everybody in our extended family. She has even indirectly told me she would do the same with me. Especially if I ever got a tattoo or something like that. She once said that after uni, when I have a real career and stuff, that I would never contact her because that's just what children do. Now I don't actually know why she told me that but it kind of felt like a guilt trip move. Considering the fact that the conversation was about how I needed to pay her back a bunch of money (like why) but I only work a minimum wage and minimum hours too. So I explained how when I got a real career and a real full-time job that I would pay her back whatever. Maybe she said the whole "that's what children do" to make me pay her now instead of later.

I want a good family and maybe in order to have that I'd have to leave some people and gain new people. I would have to make my own family. But why does that have to be the case. Why couldn't I just have a good enough family so that I could be happy with at least one thing in my life? I mean I'm just sitting around and reading stupid books about girls who have way more interesting and better lives than me, investing my time into their lives, wishing I was them. But then I realise it's fiction and that I would probably never even be able to have a single glance at a good enough life