I can't seem to get previous toxic friends out of my head and find new ones
I have this annoying mental trait that I hypothesise comes from my Autism, that my mind can't stay in neutral, I have a constant inner dialogue of stuff going on and analysis of things, which means I can't, say, go for a walk and think of nothing/clear my head during it cause I'm always thinking of something. Since December the default setting (What I think about without nearby distraction) is a friend group I got kicked out of in December, a group full of people I thought were my close friends and who I would be friends with for the rest of my life, meaning that for nearly every hour since I've just been ruminating on that, especially bad when trying to sleep because its all that's on my mind. It is hell. I'm mainly posting to vent, but I'm also trying to move on, finding another friend is difficult because I only met the first one through happenstance. I've tried clubs, didn't work, no youth groups in my area or programs I can join. My crowd is broadly speaking queer creative people and the group I met of also neurodivergent people who share a lot of similar interests seemed like the perfect fit, but I got discriminated against and not taken seriously cause I was the only guy in the group. But it was really great while it lasted even saying that. I'm not sure how to find something like that again, I mean a supportive group of neurodivergent queer people in QLD who are currently hiring is a hard sell lol. I tried being friends with various other kinds of people and I'm of course welcoming to everyone, but those are just the specific people I vibe the most with yknow? I'm so used to group hangouts at least once a month that the sudden whiplash of being so alone is just horrible to live with. I'm just struggling everyday and don't know how to A) Stop thinking about it B) Find something better. Not doing as bad as my last post (time and wounds etc, haha!) but just thought I'd write something and see if anyone could provide some insight
Comments
Hey @SlimeRancher
Welcome back to using the ReachOut forum to vent your stresses, I can see that this situation is a tough scenario to get out of your head.
I empathise with most of the contents of your post, and as someone that was in your position not too long ago, I'll provide insight as to what I did, though it may be a different style to you. I also just wanted to say that I hear your struggle in making new friends and getting over the past ones, but it is a great trait to have to continue pursuing friends if that is what you seek.
I was in somewhat a similar situation to you, I was suddenly kicked out and my normal routine of messaging group chats, calling online and hanging out in general was abruptly cancelled. It was a very tough hurdle to get over but I let time pass and I began to enjoy my own company a lot more than I would have thought. I usually sat down with these negative feelings, these racing thoughts, and let them come and go as opposed to what I'd usually do, which was entertain these thoughts and come up with further explanations.
It's a good thing you're not doing as bad as your last post, the analogy you used is quite fitting, a wound. I know it's especially difficult to "ignore" the wound, but to sit there and recognise the purpose of it healing and to refrain from 'picking at it' (reminiscing) helped me a lot. I suppose trying to not think about it is what made me think about it even more, I only really got over it when I began to incorporate new hobbies in my life (as I usually spent a lot of time with my old friend group), and I used these hobbies not as a way to distract myself, but to pass the time.
I hope I've said something that resonates with you, if you don't mind me asking, what are some solo hobbies that you typically enjoy?
And of course, I'm wishing you all the best.
~ Stego
Hi @SlimeRancher,
Thank you for sharing your situation with the ReachOut community. It must be really difficult to have a mind that never seems to switch off, especially when it’s impacting things across your daily life, such as your sleep schedule. As @PSYC_G4L mentioned, I'm wondering if you have someone you could speak to about what you're going through? This can include a family member, a mental health professional, or even the Peer Chat service offered by ReachOut.
I’m also really sorry to hear that finding a supportive friend group has been so challenging. Having people who uplift and accept you is so important, and it’s understandable that losing that connection has been really tough. I think it’s worth acknowledging how much effort you’ve been putting into trying to meet new people as that takes a lot of courage. 💛 It makes sense that waiting for the right people to come along isn’t easy, especially when you’re used to having regular group hangouts.
In the meantime, I'm wondering if there's anything you can do to take care of yourself? When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I find that small acts of self-care help me to feel grounded in moment. The things I find helpful can range from going on a walk outside to reading a book over a cup of tea. Perhaps it would be helpful to do something around bedtime to help ease your mind a bit from the racing thoughts?
I'm sending you hugs and wishing you the very best moving forward. 💛
Hey @SlimeRancher ! Thank you for sharing
That sounds incredibly tough, and I’m really sorry you’re going through it. It makes complete sense that your mind keeps going back to something that was so important to you. It’s painful to lose a group that felt like home. But please know this: you don’t need to apologise for who you are. You are enough, exactly as you are. Finding the right people takes time, and unfortunately, it often involves some painful trial and error. But the most important thing is to first be a friend to yourself, because when you nurture that relationship, you’ll always have a source of love and support, no matter what.
I know it doesn’t solve everything, but you will find your people again. It might not happen overnight, and it might not look exactly the same, but there are spaces and friendships out there that will value and celebrate you for exactly who you are.
And in the meantime, I hope you can be gentle with yourself. You deserve that
Hi@SlimeRancher (love the username btw),
I'm not autistic and I couldn't imagine your personal experience dealing with this but I am also a seasoned ruminator. And I think it is perfectly normal to ruminate on this. They were a significant part of your life for a period of time and there is a special kind of grief that comes with that. And it takes everyone time to get over their friends, even when they haven't treated you properly! I know it's so much harder than said, but try to be kind to yourself! Making friends will come in time as long as you keep up the clubs and your own personal interests (of course don't overdo it, if you feel overwhelmed take a break).
I am also wondering if you have anyone in your life like family who you feel you can talk to about this? We love to have you here but it might be a good idea to try and talk to a parent or close family member about this to help support you through this journey ☺️
Im sorry that I couldn't be of more help but I hope that this helps you feel better even just a little bit!
Hey @SlimeRancher
As an autistic person too, the struggle of not being able to not think is so real!
Constantly thinking about that one negative thing sounds incredibly frustrating. I'm here for you.
Making friends is so incredibly difficult especially for autistic people. I'm not sure how to help (this is something I struggle with too!) but I am here for you.
-The-ADJ-System (A, specifcally)
