advice
hi! i know im going to yap alot so i will make this as short as possible. But generally, any advice helps. xx
So bascialy, im 16 and my pronouns are she/her. I currently live in a different state to when this story happened. So in year 5 i moved to a new school. And at that school, idk/i forgot how but i became friends with this girl, say her name's Mia. Mia was like kind of popular, like you could basicaly tell. And her and i became friends, along with another girl, call her cathy. Well us 3 were friends for a long time. But in year 6, i dont even know why, but Mia and Cathy basically had this really weird chat in the morning that i didnt hear much of, but by lunch, they were both ignoring me. Like, full on silent treatment. And it was really sad and weird for me as i didnt know what i did wrong. So it was a while of trying to get them to talk to me and also apolagising for whatever it was but they never budged. Eventually, i moved on, and found new friends. Now, i didnt exactly vibe with my new friends but they were nice enough. But i dont know why but after i moved on, mia and cathy kinda threw a fit at the fact i was over them and started causing havoc. I know its something mia would do, but not cathy tho. Anyways in a weeks time, i got called over to the head of junior schools office and aparently, im "bullying and body shaming" mia and cathy. They even got witnesses, even though i had never talked to them in my life! Well my mum reported this to the principal, and the situation was dismissed, but i could always hear them talking crap EXTRA LOUDLY every time i walked past. They also make it EXTRA OBVIOUS, im not invited to something.
The whole time during all of this, i was really stressed and down all the time so my older brother would invite me to tag along with him and his best friend (call him james) whenever they went out, which was really nice because his best friend knew me since i was 2 and they ddint mind at all. So i hung out with them a lot more.
But at the end of year 6 i got a scholarship to a prestigous girls school so we moved there with my family. Which honestly felt calming, to get away from all the chaos. Anyways, my new school was so amazing and inclusive and the years just flew by there.
But now, im in year 11 and things took another turn. I dont know how but mia somehow got a hold of my socials and messaged me. heres a rundown of what happened ( word for word) :
mia: hi! its *name*,
me: oh hi, idk who u r
Mia: *name* *name* from primary school?
me: ?
Me ( an hour later): oooh! i remember now. so what do you need?
Mia: oh ok great, i dont really need anything. js thought id say hi
Me: *name*, i dont know u as much as i thought i did but ik u well enough to know that you want smt from me
Mia: ok fine, i wanted to js appolagise for how i treated u in schoo, it was kind pathetic
Me:? what do u ACTUALLY want?
mia: nothing wdym
Mia: ok fine whatever. Im trying to talk to james and hes ignoring me, and when i asked why he said its cuz i treated u patheticaly when wer were young. So bascailly i need u to 4give me so i can have a chance with him.
Me: wth?
Mia: so can u forgive me? I was wrong, i guess.
Me: um how about no?
So that was basically it. ANd then out of nowhere james messaged me to disregard anything mia said to me because he had no intentions of getting with Mia.
ANd abt a week later he confessed that he liked ME. And i had no idea and now Mia's yelling at me for stealing him or smt. I like him but i dont want to ruin mia's thing for him because im not evil. Also, hes my brothers bestfriend and my friend and i dont wanna ruin any of that.
Any advice helps. tysm!!!!
Comments
Hey @cakepops_4ever,
That sounds like a lot to process, and I can see why you’re feeling unsure about everything. It’s really understandable, especially given how things played out with Mia in the past. You handled the situation with her really well. It’s not always easy to set boundaries, especially when someone from your past suddenly reaches out, but you trusted your instincts, which is really important. Apologies mean the most when they come from a genuine place, and it sounds like you could tell that Mia’s might not have been entirely about making things right. Your feelings about that are completely valid.
With James, it seems like he made his own choices about Mia, and that isn’t something you’re responsible for. You haven’t done anything wrong by just being yourself. If you like him but are feeling unsure about how it might affect your friendship with him or your brother, it’s okay to take your time and figure out what feels right for you. There’s no rush to make a decision, and the people who truly care about you will respect whatever choice you make.
Most importantly, you deserve friendships and relationships that feel supportive and comfortable. Trust yourself, and don’t feel pressured to act a certain way just to keep the peace with Mia. You’ve come so far from that situation, and you get to choose what’s best for you moving forward. 💛
Thankyou so much for sharing your experience, it is such a shame that these problems with Mia have come back after such a great schooling experience in secondary school. Hold on to those experiences as they sounded extremely positive.
Unfortunately, it is clear that Mia didn’t reach out because she actually felt bad about how she treated you and wanted to apologise properly —she just wanted something from you. True apologies come with accountability and no ulterior motives, so you do not owe her your forgiveness or friendship.
It also sounds like you may be holding back on your feelings for James because you don’t want to feel like the “bad guy” in this situation. If Mia wasn't in the picture, would you feel differently? Please do not let her past behaviour stop you from something that could make you happy. You deserve to make decisions based on what you want, not out of guilt of upsetting someone else, especially someone who hasn’t treated you well.
Please remember that you are not the same person as you were in primary school, you have moved on and built new support systems for yourself. This is very resilient and impressive and you should be proud of yourself for moving on from Mia. You’ve worked hard to create a life that’s positive and fulfilling so don’t let Mia drag you back into a mindset where you put other people’s wants above your own well-being.
The last thing I want to leave you with is, "If your best friend were in your situation, what would you tell them to do?" I like to think of this when I am struggling with a situation and thought it may help you out. Best of luck with this situation and stay true to what makes you happy!!
Hey @cakepops_4ever
That sounds like a tough situation to be in. It seems like going to this new school was a nice way to get away from the problems you were having with Mia, and it's a shame that there has been some new problems with her. I know it's easier said than done, but from the outside, it seems like it would be good to try not to get too involved with her and focus on the lovely community at your school, as well as your own self-care. That's not to say that you can't forgive her if you would like to, but if the relationship continues to bring you down, you don't have to maintain a relationship with her. You might find this article about toxic friendships useful.
As for James, it can be tricky when feeling develop within a friendship, especially when there are extra factors like your brother and Mia. I'm sorry to hear that Mia has been giving you a hard time about James. I'm sure it's hard for her to see that the person she is interested in is interested in someone else, but she doesn't own him, and it doesn't seem that he wants to pursue a relationship with Mia anyway. It's unfortunate for her, but it's not fair to take it out on you, even if you two do end up starting a romantic relationship. She doesn't own him, and I hope that Mia's involvement doesn't impact your friendship with James.
I truly hope this passes for you soon. I know how hard it can be when you are having troubles with your relationships, it can really suck. In the mean time I would try to focus on the positive relationships in your life, including taking extra good care of yourself during this stressful time. Wishing you all the best! 💛
