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Just found out I got cheated on… any advice is good
With everything like this there is always the longer story, but to ‘briefly’ summarise… My ‘boyfriend’ of almost 2 years recently graduated and has always wanted to do a big overseas trip, I was invited but decided not to go to save money- which I was so upset about. He planned to go for 3 months then we meet in Asia for a 2 week trip of our own. I supported him going although I was terribly upset & missed him from the start. He has been gone for a week and a half. Tonight he called me in tears that he had slept with someone else , feels horrible and doesn’t want to continue because he realised how much he wants to be with me. I’m mortified as he is also on a trip with our friends. I don’t know how to feel- a week and a half in?!?! I love him and it’s so hard knowing it’s still months until I get to see him- do I still go to Asia?! Do I stay with him? Do I tell people? Struggling tonight, any advice is helpful…
Comments
Yeah, these stuff, darling you need to break up. Honestly it sounds dodgy anyways. One, I get that you guys have personal space but 3 months is wayyy too long, and he puts himself first. There are much better options that fufill his dream and you guys going together. Two, if your thinking that he called you cos he trusted you, might it be because your friends are there too? And that if your friends told you first it would be totally different? He may have cried but it doesn't mean he won't do it again. [I'm sorry but I'll do it again next time] happens a lot. Three, with your friends, why didn't they stop him? And why didn't they call you first? Do they know, and if so, are they good friends with the guy who cheated on you?
Think about all of those details, your friends didn't tell you first, who stopped them? Why would he sleep with someone voluntarily (if it wasn't consentual its a bit too late to call the police)
Break up, because if he can do it once, he'll do it again. If he says something about being drunk, fact: you can't have sex whilst being drunk. Also if he is on a trip with your friends, then that is also an attitude problem, because if everyone knows that he loves you a lot and he always wants to be with you, they would have stopped him, and they would have called you. They would not have let this happen with him being the one to tell you. And you don't know if his tears are true (I know you know him for more than 2 years, but you probably did not know that he would have done this, so PLEASE reconsider!!).
I know this is a bit harsh, but you also need to protect yourself. Put yourself first, even if you love him, you must know that you are young and that you will meet someone who loves you so that in the same situation he would immediately go away and choose you. Also the fact that he went without you, yes, that is a dream of his, but you could have both gone together for 2 weeks, and then saved up money for later. Seems that he does not think far ahead enough and that he places himself above everything.
Air hug* Please be good to yourself, and eat some nice things, meet up with friends, and break up. Also he may attempt to reconcile after you break up.
Hi Kitsune, I can't agree more, Those are the points that I was thinking of too. It is true that there are much better people to be able to meet, and also love is just hormonal change.
just wanted to check in and see how you've been faring these last few days?
Hi, thankyou for checking back in. These few days have been hard, and I was luckily in the position to take a mental health day from work this week after I spoke to him. I was exhausted and I'm glad I took the guilt out of taking a day off- to take care of myself.
I'm feeling better each day with the help of those who I felt comfortable to tell, and taking time- and each decision day by day ❤️
Thankyou again, this support was needed and appreciated
Good to hear from you @Adviceplease , especially that you have taken time out to look after yourself and focus on your own mental health and well being.
I can see that you have been able to reach out to your support network and speak to those you feel comfortable with. This is so important in that you feel safe and ready to speak to people you trust.
Well done on giving things a go 🙂
I'm so sorry this happened. It is very painful to deal with a such a betrayal of trust especially since it was so sudden and there's so many things to think about. I really hope you're being kind to yourself today in whatever way you can💖
Do you have any close friends who didn't go on the trip/doesn't know him that you feel comfortable confiding in? I understand that you might be dealing with some overwhelming and conflicting feelings. It might be helpful to have an objective third person who you can talk to, especially to clarify your thoughts. If not, we're always here to listen 💛
As this was so recent, I think it might be good idea to take some time to take care of yourself over the next few days before coming to any strict decisions about whether to stay with him or go to asia. When you're in a better headspace consider: is this something you can forgive him for or is it a dealbreaker? What was the rest of the relationship like? What were the circumstances surrounding it?
I know it feels like a lot at the moment, but you don't have to face it all at once. Take your time, and know that no matter what you are deserving of kindness and care.
First of all Thankyou for taking the time to say such kind words, they definitely made me feel better, as day 1 was the hardest. I’m really glad I reached out on this site at 3am, because by the time this message came across (after a sleepless night) I was ready to speak to my friends (to which I had a small panic attack at brunch whoops). I am really grateful to have such supportive friends and lucky to have had such a supportive reaction on what I decide to do.
I’m taking your advice and reflecting, and not pushing myself to communicate with him or come to any decisions yet.
Thankyou for being there ❤️
Hello @Adviceplease ! no worries at all. I have friends who have been in similar positions and it is a really, really difficult thing to go through so I was thinking about you throughout the week. I'm happy to hear that you have supportive friends to confide in and you took that mental health day off work. Being patient and kind to yourself is difficult but possibly the most important thing you can do in this situation, especially when you have the understandable panic attacks/sleepless nights 💛
How are you feeling about the situation at the moment? After some time/talking to your friends do you think you're any closer to figuring out what to do?
Hey @Adviceplease Thank you for sharing with us, It can be scary to talk about your relationship, you've done well to reach out for support.
I'm so sorry to hear you're experiencing this. I'm hearing your boyfriend has broken your trust and it seems like he regrets that but now you're not sure how to move forward in the relationship. Having been in this situation before myself, I can understand how hurtful it is. I'm hearing you still love him but you're feeling a bit confused. I think that's a very understandable way to feel. Did you share your feelings with him?
Do you have anyone in your life that you can talk about this with? If you were to give a friend advice about this, what do you think you would say to them? Relationships can be difficult but you deserve to be treated with respect as well. What do you feel is a deal breaker? I'm wondering if this might help you find some clarity.. There is also this article.
Please keep checking in with us here, we're here for you and you don't have to go through this alone.
Thankyou for taking the time out to make me feel better, and your personal relation was appreciated in making me feel less alone- I know sadly this happens...
I read the resources and this message itself gave me the courage to reach to my support system for guidance- which I'm really grateful to have.
I'm taking time to reflect and make a decision, but I have spoken to him on both ends of my feelings (with anger and with sadness). It's going to take some time.
Please ignore if I over step, and I know every situation is different- what did you do when this happened to you?
Thankyou again, your kindness is appreciated xx