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My partner doesnt show any affection towards me and it hurts

So me and my partner R have been together for 6 months now and at first it was amazing, we would talk for hours and hours about how much we wanted to hold each other and kiss and cuddle and spend time with each other, then when we met we only ever held hands once or twice and it was just a peck on the cheek or lips from me and once them. We still flirted and joked and sometimes were affectionate towards each other but then they started going offline a lot and not messaging me for 3 or so days and would just say they were busy playing a video game which kinda hurt but I brushed it off. About a month ago is when it really changed, they stopped flirting, stopped trying to be affectionate and just kinda joked with me and treated me like I was just a casual normal friend and it hurt a lot. I brought up the not messaging a lot thing and they handled that really well and said they'd try to message me more regularly and it got better, but there was still the issue with no affection. Now we both have the same ex, R was in a relationship with this ex for 3 years and in that span of time the ex didnt show any affection towards R at all so I could understand why they might not have shown any to me. Anyway, I brought it up with R yesterday the fact that they didnt show affection and tried in the most gentle way possible to ask if maybe they could show more affection as it hurt when they just tried to brush my attempts off at holding their hand or hugging them with a jovial shake of the hand or making a joke. I reminded them that I loved them so much and that was why I was asking, because I wanted to be able to spend time holding them. They responded with a brief message saying they were sorry and that joking around was just their love language and they were sorry I didnt like it and they'd try to be better. The thing is they joke with everyone so thats the reason behind me feeling like a normal friend and I was a little hurt so I messaged back asking what changed because at the beginning of the relationship they'd been so keen for physical affection and now it was different. They replied saying that they "didnt know what they wanted or what they were" and now it wasnt really their thing. I now feel upset and I feel toxic for wanting affection and I dont know what to do so if someone could give me some advice it would really help

SwiggitySwoog
SwiggitySwoogPosted 03-02-2024 02:02 PM

Comments

 
Green_Ghost
Green_GhostPosted 15-02-2024 02:47 PM

Hello @SwiggitySwoog 

I'm so sorry to hear that youre feeling this way, it can feel difficult to ask for our needs to be met when they're not. It's definitely not toxic to ask for affection. It's a tricky situation when one partner's love language is affection and the other's is not. I really admire you having an open and honest conversation with R about the lack of affection you're feeling from them. It can be especially difficult once the 'honeymoon phase' wears off and the relationship begins to settle down.

 

Often times when I have to ask for certain needs to be met in my personal relationship I remind myself that I am completely entitled to asking for them if it is something that will make me happier in the relationship, of course not at the detriment of the other person.

 

Have you considered looking into compromises? For instance, I've also been in a similar situation with a partner who wasn't big on certain types of affection. I asked them if maybe we could kiss once a day. This way, I still got a little bit of the affection I was after and gradually they became more comfortable over time with it. This is something maybe you could try? If they agree to it of course.

 

I hope this helps 🙂

 

 
elkamarina04
elkamarina04Posted 06-02-2024 05:18 PM

Hi @SwiggitySwoog, thank you so much for sharing!

 

I'm sorry that you've been feeling like this recently, it can be really hurtful to see someone change over time, and lack in something that you really need. Please don't feel like you're being toxic for wanting more! Every person and relationship is different, and it's always important to recognise your own boundaries and love languages. Even though your partner may have transitioned out of the 'honeymoon phase', its completely valid for you to still love and enjoy the affection you've received so far. It seems as though your partner has some history that may be playing into your relationship, which is something that they may need to explore themselves. 

 

I think it's really brave of you to bring this up with them, it's often so hard to be honest with someone you love, especially if you think it might hurt their feelings. But it's always best to have total transparency rather than hiding what you feel, and causing yourself to feel more anxiety about the relationship. 

 

I'm sure others on this thread have mentioned seeing a professional, which would I think would be beneficial if its possible for you! But if not, close friends or other family members who can understand the situation may be a good avenue to take. I also think its really important to remember that your needs in a relationship are just as important as your partners, and that theres always a way to find a happy medium, especially if that person is worth it. 

 

Good luck! Please reach out if you want to talk further 🙂 

 
Zig_RO
Zig_ROPosted 03-02-2024 02:55 PM

Hi SwiggitySwoog, 

 

Thank you for sharing your experience, it can take a lot to express these things especially when they are about people we care for. You should be so proud of the steps you’re taking. From what I've read I can see that this person really means a lot to you and you care deeply for them. 

 

I’m sorry to hear that this has been going on for some time, communication is key to a healthy relationship and from what I've read I can see that you really value this and have been open about your feelings with them. You should be really proud of this, I can see that the two of you have been very understanding of each other's situation and have both been working towards a sustainable goal. 

 

It's ok to feel upset, this is completely natural. Relationships can always be a draining experience from time to time, the important thing is to make sure you’re also maintaining your own wellbeing. I was wondering if you had any selfcare techniques you like to practice in your own time. 

 

I was also wondering if you have any other supports in your life you have been able to communicate with. These could be either professional such as counselor or evening just other friends or family. 

 

The Online community is here for you 🙂

 
 
SwiggitySwoog
SwiggitySwoogPosted 03-02-2024 07:26 PM

I have 2 friends to support me, they both agree that I shouldnt be putting in all the effort and recognise that R is not really treating me like a bf, more like a friend. What do you mean by self care? I just kinda do whatever, not that much

thank you ❤️

 
 
 
Astra-RO
Astra-ROPosted 03-02-2024 08:02 PM

Hey @SwiggitySwoog , I'm glad to hear you've got two friends supporting you with this. It can be really tough when you feel like your needs aren't being met in a relationship or when things have changed. It sounds like through open communication you've realised that R has some boundaries and preferences around what they're comfortable with. It's important you respect R's wishes around this, as I'm sure you're aware, and, like Zig_RO has said, it's good to hear that you have been trying to communicate honestly with R about your relationship. I wonder if it could be helpful asking R how they're feeling about everything (if you haven't already).

 

Self-care can look like a lot of things, we do have some resources around it if you would find that helpful

 

Also I just wanted to flag that I've made some edits to your other post  in accordance with our guidelines. 

 
 
 
 
SwiggitySwoog
SwiggitySwoogPosted 11-02-2024 12:06 PM

Thanks, Its gotten a lot better and we've both come to a mutual agreement that we'll take things slow and start off small, with hand-holding and go from there. So far its actually going really well so thats a relief.

I checked out the self care resources and thanks for that, its really helped me out.

Which post was that that was edited?

 
Red_Fish
Red_FishPosted 03-02-2024 02:31 PM

I understand that this a very delicate and challenging situation, it is awesome that you have communicated openly to your partner about your feelings. It is perfectly acceptable to express your needs for physical affection, and working towards a mutual balance can be key for a successful relationship. In my experience of past relationships honesty and caring communication is one of the most important things. Try having an open and honest conversation by creating a safe space for your partner to share their perspective. This can help with re-evaluating your expectations together so that they both align with your comfort levels and desires. Remember that seeking professional guidance can give valuable insight to your situation.

 
 
SwiggitySwoog
SwiggitySwoogPosted 03-02-2024 07:29 PM

Yeah hahah i've tried letting them talk about why, they dont give me direct answers and just kinda say its not their thing but its hard as that's a main aspect of a relationship. Its also hard as they dont display any other form of affection apart from joking and kinda joking violence (just things friends dođź’€) and idk what to do. I cant' really seek professional help because A) my mum doesnt believe in psychology B) she doesnt know i'm in a relationship and C) i'm in a gay relationship and she's incredibly homophibic

 
 
 
Red_Fish
Red_FishPosted 03-02-2024 08:07 PM

It can be challenging having so many barriers with seeking professional help, and I am here to offer my support. Have you tried exploring activities together to promote bonding and emotional connection, this is something that has helped me with my current partner.

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