Reconnecting with my cousin
Hey everyone!
My cousin (F14) and myself (F20) haven't gotten along in years. We never talk, we avoid each other at family gatherings, etc.
I don't want to get into the details of the disagreements because they don't really matter at this point in time anymore, everything was so long ago. Our fighting was over such small stuff as kids. But I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and do really want that relationship back. It's been so awkward for years, and none of us have tried to fix our relationship because... honestly, I'm not sure. It's just the way it's always been. But as the older cousin, I feel that maybe it should come from me. I feel like I've matured a lot over the past few years, feel genuinely regretful, and want to try to fix this for both of our sake. I feel like it's time to take the first step.
I went to talk to my therapist about it, and she said it would be a good idea to reconnect the relationship. She suggested some conversation about the things my cousin likes, and such. I thought it was a good idea. One thing my therapist said that stuck with me was 'show her that change is possible.' I really want to do that, I want to show her that it is possible for us to get along and spend time together.
Anyways, I thought I would ask her if she wanted to hang out later this week, or maybe in a few weeks time (not sure yet). Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this? Or any other advice on how to rekindle the relationship after so long? Especially with someone who is younger than I am.
EDIT: I don't know why I didn't put this in the family category instead, but I can't figure out how to move it 😅 I guess it still counts as a relationship/friendship too.
Comments
Hi @Green_Ghost , thankyou for sharing this, your post really resonates with me 🥰
I also used to have a really close relationship with one of my cousins, who is about 4 years older than me, when we were children. That relationship is still friendly, but we definitely grew apart over the years! Obviously the situation is slightly different in the sense that your cousin is still a bit younger, while my cousin and I are both in our 20s now, but I really understand your desire to reconnect.
I think it's a really typical kind of relationship progression you've described, especially when there's a 5 year+ age gap, in the tendency to grow apart, and then want to reconnect a little later once you're both more grown-up. I also wanted to mention that I think it's really lovely that you're wanting to be the one to reach out to your cousin! I definitely agree with @Ender_Wiggin about keeping the initial invitation to hang out pretty casual, just to gently break the ice. It could be really great to try and establish some new common ground or common interests to kind of bring your relationship closer in a more adult way. I also think it's always so nice and nostalgic to discuss childhood memories with my cousins too though, which is another way of reminding eachother of the common ground you shared in the past.
Your post has really reminded me about how lovely and important familial relationships which are also friendships can be, thankyou for this💜
Keep us updated! I'd love to hear how things go with your cousin!
I'm so glad my post resonated with you. I think the older I get the more I realise how important family is.
I suppose there is a tendency to grow apart with big age gaps. I haven't invited her to anything yet but I did have a casual conversation last week for a little bit. I think I'll build up the relationship a litte bit and then ask her if she wants to go hang out, maybe go to lunch or something. Baby steps ☺️
Thank you x
Hey!
It's really great that you want to reconnect with your cousin. It sounds like a positive step for both of you. I think starting with a simple message, like, "Hey, I’ve been thinking about you and I’d love to catch up. How about we hang out sometime soon?" could be a good icebreaker. Keeping it light and genuine, like your therapist suggested, might help ease the tension.
Focusing on her interests and showing her that change is possible is a fantastic approach. Maybe suggest doing something she enjoys or a fun activity you can both share. Good luck, and I hope it goes well! 😊
Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate it ☺️
I reckon I'm going to message her from time to time just to catch up every now and then, build up that relationship again a little bit, and then ask her if she wants to go hang out sometime 🙂
Thank youuu xx
Hey @Green_Ghost
I am so happy that you have decided to reconnect with your cousin!
As the older cousin as well, there was a time when I drifted away from my cousins simply because we didn't have the same interests or the time to see each other. My cousins vary in age, some are around my age and some are a lot younger.
When I try to hang out with my younger cousins, it is easy to see that they look up to me in an authoritative way, and because of that, they don't approach me much. So what I usually do is start the conversation first, and ask them how they have been lately. If there is something they want to share, listen carefully and show them that you understand what they are going through. If their answers are quite short, I usually ask them about their hobbies, for example, things I knew they enjoyed in the past. If they changed their hobbies then I would ask them to tell me more about what the new hobbies are.
At the end of the day, my younger cousins enjoyed conversations where I showed interest in their lives. So by asking them questions and actually listening to what they have to say, the conversation flow smoothly and seemlessly.
I hope this will help you in the future and please keep me updated!
Have a good day!
Thank you!
That makes a lot of sense, I hope this helps me too haha. I will take everything you have said on board. Thank you so much for your time and advice ☺️ have a good day too
Hello @Green_Ghost
It unfortunate to see that you have a rough patch with your cousin at the moment.
Personally I really like your therapist advice on, “let her know that change is possible” because I feel like that is such an important thing to have to keep the ball started and hopefully rolling for sometime.
In regards to your disconnection with your cousin, I feel that as well (albeit I was the younger cousin and they were the older ones), and we were generally awkward together because we generally did not talk much with one another.
But for me, even though we were not close initially, she offered up a lot of help when I was going off to Uni, and we started bonding from there, having mundane conversations on how my little sister is going, and what future career I would like to head off to.
But to sum it up, I feel like following your Therapist advice on seeing what your cousin would like might be a good start ( and if you don’t know what might be, it could be a good idea to just chat around with your cousin on your hangout and see if your cousin reveals anything that you guys can do on that day or in the future to build up your relationship again).
In any case, I hope this was helpful and feel free to reach out again if you need any more advice 😁
Hi @KaizerBiker
Thank you for your input, it's very informative to see a point of view from a cousin who was younger.
I think it is difficult to rekindle relationships with younger cousins because of the age difference and having not much to discuss. Some of the typical conversations you've suggested are helpful, thank you ☺️
Thank you so much for your help, it's so appreciated ! 💯
