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Roommates talking about me behind my back
So I accidentally overheard my roomates (coupled) talking about me behind my back. They were basically saying that I was unable to have an intelligent conversation & that my knowledge is limited. As someone who is currently studying a science degree at University (& with many previous academic awards), this deeply hurt my feelings. I also have dyslexia & adhd which significantly impacts my communication skills at times (they know this). Whilst I may not be the best at verbal communication, I excel at academic writing.
Additionally, they have been making multiple attempts to control my independence through telling me not to buy my own cutlery, food storage or pans. Whilst they are concerned about our storage capacity (which is due to their own hoarding of belongings), I am feeling the need to be independent & not rely on others.
Whenever I use something of theirs (which they have previously offered for use), they criticise the way I clean, store or use the material. I have hence stopped using their things.
I constantly feel heavily criticised for any action I take. I have been told to wash my hands (even though I am quite a clean person), clean more and to vacuum every 2nd-3rd day. I have also been told that my level of cleanliness is unacceptable (which is a huge distortion of reality). I feel I have been subjected to an immense amount of labour only to be met with more criticism. Additionally, limited amount of thanks have been given (even after I vacuumed & mopped the whole house).
I am now unsure whether I should trust my roommates or not. Should I just move out?
Comments
Hey @Melon_Cod88 
I admire your ability to be rational with yourself when you said that your roommates were discussing your communication skills behind your back. I think it is definitely important to be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you have dyslexia and adhd and that might impact your communication skills sometimes. It's also excellent recognising your strength in adademia! It wasn't very nice of them to talk about you behind your back like that, I can tell that's very hard and personal for you and that really sucks.
I think the attempt at limiting your independence and then criticising you for relying on them is probably a big red flag and something that should be addressed if you're going to live in the same space together. As is the comments about your cleanliness and the lack of recognition for your efforts. I can understand from your perspective that this defintely makes them come across as untrustworthy.
Whether you move out or not is defintely up to you. I think perhaps an assertive conversation with them about it could be a good idea, addressing all of these issues and the way that these incidents have made you feel. It's also probably a good idea to discuss what will be done moving forward to ensure that you don't feel like this or are treated like this in the future.
Hi @Melon_Cod88 👋 Welcome to the ReachOut community! I’m glad you’ve joined us and come to reach out here. It sounds like you’ve been having a challenging time with your roommates at the moment. I’m sorry that you had to overhear their conversation about you, that must have been really upsetting. It's completely understandable that you feel deeply hurt by they said, especially since you’ve been open with them about your struggles with verbal communication.
Feeling like your independence is being impeded upon and receiving criticism for how you manage and clean the house sounds incredibly draining. Have you thought about having a conversation with your roommates about how you've been feeling?
Considering whether to move out sounds like a valid option given the experiences you've described. We have some articles that might help you navigate this situation, such as what to do when your roommate isn’t so great and living with housemates. I hope you find these helpful😊
I'm mindful that having difficulties with your roommates can make it challenging to relax and feel at ease in your home. I am wondering if you have found any coping strategies or self-care activities that have been helpful for dealing with these challenges? We have lots of ideas for self-care here, if you’re interested. (I thought this resistance meditation could be especially relevant if you switched ‘stealing pizza’ to your own negative experiences you've had with your roommates).
Hi Lily,
Thank you for your advice & resources. They have helped.
If things escalate further & we cannot resolve/ take steps towards solving these issues, I will be looking into moving out.
However, I still am worried about how I should communicate these issues with them as they are quite sensitive people (and at times can be stubborn). Their mental health issues (anxiety, PTSD, autism, depression & OCD) also contribute to this. Whilst I acknowledge that I cannot control how another person reacts or feels, I am worried about upsetting them.
For context, their contamination OCD has been the main cause of a lot of their irrational thinking / compulsions or rules around cleanliness. Based on other online sources, I have read that it is best not to engage in these irrational thoughts / compultions. Whilst I am still respectful of some of their rules, I tend to disengage with conversations that I know will feed into their irrational thoughts. Are there any other tips or resources for living with folks who have contamination OCD? I just dont want to spend all of my free time cleaning / engaging with their compulsions.
Thanks, Melon_Cod88
Hey @Melon_Cod88 
It is good to hear that you found the support and resources helpful.
I know you mentioned that you are worried about how you can communicate these issues and I thought that you might find these articles we have here and here about communication helpful.
I was also wondering if you have tried to talk to them about the OCD and approach the conversation in a safe and respectful way. It might be helpful to try and find a balance while living together, and get a better understanding of how you can be supportive of them, whilst also not having to spend all your free time cleaning. Do you think this might be helpful?
We also have some articles about OCD here that you may also find helpful to have a read through if you are wanting to learn more. You may also find this resource here helpful, it was written for family and friends of people living with OCD and includes some great tips.
How do you feel about this?