Survived Coercion and interpersonal relationship
I just wanted to thank you and the community for your support recently.
during my placement at a local children’s hospital as a welfare student. I was able to attend a social worker seminar on coercion control and interpersonal domestic violence.
during May to October I was in a relationship with a female partner who was using gaslighting, coercion control and other forms of abuse and harassment to make me feel and like I was the problem in a relationship.
it got to the stage where I was spending all my money, time and energy to make her happy. During which she isolated me from my friends and family.
I couldn’t recognise myself in the mirror, I felt like I was the problem because of my adhd and shit financial skills.
she had convinced me that I was a negative, defensive person for just trying to share my feelings.
She had convinced me that I was a perpetrator and a narcissist.
during placement I struggled with clients who had experienced domestic violence. Not understanding that it was a trigger.
during this seminar I met someone who works in health services. During the presentation I felt uneasy and was able to relate major red flags to my relationship being discussed. I was shaking, upset and in tears. I went upto this person to ask what the best thing to do is. She suggested getting some support. So I booked in a psychologist appointment for this Friday. I do have a habit of no going sometimes due to fear. But I need to for my own mental health and my motivation to be someone who is able to help others deal with DFV.
Comments
Hi there @Harrysnake
It's great that you had the opportunity to attend that seminar. I'm glad it allowed you to see the negative patterns in your own relationship, and gain some understanding of your situation as well as the triggers you were experiencing with FDV clients.
I'm sorry to hear that the seminar made you feel shaky and upset, however. The gravity of these types of realisations is never easy to cope with at first. It's great that you've booked in to see a psychologist about this. You're showing great initiative at trying to look after your mental health during this time. 1800RESPECT is another great resource I've seen lots of others link below in the comments, in case you need support at a time when a psychologist isn't available. What are some activities you take joy in doing? These could be great methods of self care that you can refer back to whenever you're feeling low.
Best wishes, @Harrysnake
Hey @Harrysnake
Thanks for sharing. It sounds like a horrible situation to go through. Seeking help is a huge step and you deserve all of the praise. You seem to have really good insight into your triggers and how you feel. That’s an awesome starting point! Therapy can definitely be scary, but they are there to help you the same way you want to help others.
I’m really glad you are able to see that you weren’t the problem in the relationship. It’s so hard when your partner convinces you that you’re a bad person. Remembering it is not based in reality can make life easier. It’s just overall a really toxic situation to be in. I hope talking to a psychologist can help you along your journey of healing. Recovery is not easy but if you have the goal (e.g. helping others), it can be easier to get yourself through.
Do you have anyone you can talk to? I know you will have your psychologist, but it can take a while to warm up to them. It could be good to have a friend or family member to talk to and process things with. It sounds like you are starting some selfcare activities. Are they going okay?
Hello @Harrysnake
To start off, I wanted to acknowledge how brave you were to reach out for health especially since coming out of a toxic relationship is really difficult and challenging.
Personally, I feel you as well and reading this post also reminded me of my relationship with a close friend at the the time which had manipulated as way as gaslighted me into thinking that I’m contributing to all the problems that is breaking our friendship.
Like you, I also lost a substantial amount of energy and money on it, resulting in periods of time where I woke up with cold sweat and night terrors
Eventually I went into counselling and had my concerns raised and addressed and with the support of my friends, I managed to break off the friendship in a stern but respectable way.
Once again, I must commend you for finding the signs and that you would be able to resolve and better understand your situation with each successive visit to your Psychologist.
As previously mentioned by @Marimo-RO , 1800RESPECT and Relationships Australia are excellent options for you to look into if you ever in immediate danger or need some resources in your relationships respectively
Once again, I’m very glad that you have found the community helpful and I hope that you would be able to thrive ☺️
Hi @Harrysnake,
Welcome back to the ReachOut Youth Community. Thank you for your courage in sharing your experience with an abusive relationship. I can see how much confusion, fear and instability your ex-partner brought into your life. Seeing how fresh everything is for you, I want to let you know that it's okay to give yourself time and space to take breaks.
It's amazing to see that not only did you meet an incredibly understanding health worker who encouraged you to seek support but that you also took the steps to book in an appointment with a psychologist. It makes me really happy to see that the seminar you attended gave invaluable information into the signs of DV and also helped you learn more about yourself and your triggers.
It's heartwarming to see that you felt supported by the community. I hope you are able to do something for yourself after such a big revelation.
If you find that you need some one-on-one support, we have a free PeerChat service where you can talk to a peer worker who may have had a similar experience. 1800RESPECT offers phone counselling for anyone experiencing violence and abuse. Relationships Australia also offers resources for a range of relationships.
I hope you connect with your psychologist and continue finding the support you seek.
Hi @Harrysnake
Thank you for sharing this.
I am sorry for what you had to go through, it does not sound easy at all to have dealt with. I am glad you were able to confide in someone who lead you to seeking support.
It isn't an easy thing to learn about something and realise that is what you have been through. It can feel confronting.
I remember being in a lecture at uni and learning about something similar, realising that my best friend at the time was using and isolating me from others. It was a hard thing to hear but it was just what i needed to realise that i deserved better. For me, i like to use art as a self-care stratergy. During this time, i did a lot of painting. Have you done any self-care just for yourself leading up to the psychologist appointment on Friday?
It is a very good and brave taking the step to seeing a psychologist for what you have been through. I know it can be daunting and I wish you all the best with this appointment.
drinking and comfort eating.
Yesterday I stopped, today I’m doing some self care and going to get myself
ready to lose weight that I gained during this period.
I have a few weeks of placement left. I finish my diploma of community
services in December of this year.
I’ve been playing PC games to cope, I’ve recently joined a church and
connect group so last night I went out and surrounded myself with positive
energy and people.
Hey @Harrysnake
Thats really good to hear! The first steps are the hardest but you're on a journey now to heal yourself. 😃
Congrats on being almost finish your diploma. How are you feeling coming to the end of that?
I'm glad you have found something that works for you for your self-care as it is personal. It is very good you found positive people to surround yourself with after this tough time in your life. It must feel refreshing to be around those people and energy.
