cheating and recovering but its complicated
hey, i'm new to this and i know of this place thanks to a unit i'm doing in uni. basically tldr, i cheated on my boyfriend. and he broke up with me. i'm an overseas uni student and he was back home where i'm from. i met this guy here, lets call him jerry, and he was so nice and we just ended up spending a lot of time together because of common studies and also because we share a common sport hobby. i never wanted to cheat on my boyfriend but he had a lot of insecurities which led to him picking on a lot of fights with me especially on my whereabouts. i would update him all the time but nearing finals period i barely used my phone which led to it feeding his insecurities. we had a massive fight which left me quite scarred and instead of doing things to reassure him, i ended up pulling myself away. while i was doing this, i was getting closer to jerry. (context: jerry has a girlfriend back from the same country too; so both of us were doing long distance)
it just happened one night. jerry and i ended up talking about our feelings because i was very distressed and he asked me if i was okay. he confessed that he really liked me too and it just went "downhill" from there. we kissed. then a couple of days later... we had sex. it was so bad. i felt so much guilt but at the same time i felt like he was giving me the "love" and attention i craved for because i couldn't get it from my boyfriend at that time.
when i went back for the holidays, i kept everything a secret. i didn't want to tell my boyfriend. i made a decision to myself to forget jerry and not give a shit about him anymore but i didn't get rid of any evidence from my phone. around end of december, my boyfriend went through my phone and found everything. it was so bad. he shouted and we argued. i couldn't really say much because it was all my fault and it was my actions that caused this.
we broke up the next day even though i said i would literally do anything. i explained my point of view and even though it was my fault, i kind of had my reasons behind it.. a lot of things led up to when i cheated and it was just so so bad. i really tried to explain but he wasn't listening. it was horrible. it made things worse when i asked if we could ever try again in the future and he said "time will tell". i think it really messed with my head because i was holding onto false hope for such a long period of time.
i think i'm pretty much over it now (after months of self pity and regret) and i vowed to become a better person, to never cheat again. to always communicate my views and issues with my future partner. but here comes the complicated part. i rekindled with jerry again. he also broke up with his girlfriend because of the cheating situation and honestly things are going great. we're good friends and i honestly feel like we could become more and i'm living for it BUT. there's still the little guilt inside of me because he was the one i cheated with. and i know he is trying to become a better person too, we both made some bad decisions that we're trying to get over but i just feel so much guilt for possibly getting together with someone i cheated with. i dont know what to do. and i dont want to stop myself either because he makes me happy but ITS JUST THE GUILT. i need help HHAHAH
Comments
Hey there @helpmepls,
I have been in a similar situation before where an ex-partner was not very nice at all, controlling and wasn’t treating me how I deserved to be treated, which is definitely not okay.
I also found myself connecting and leaning towards others who were more supportive and caring. I think this is normal as we all want to feel happy and supported in our romantic relationships. I also think at times its in our nature to try and look out for ourselves and want the best for ourselves.
I can understand how you might be feeling overwhelmed and confused with this going on during your finals period. I think its great you are looking to become a better person and have already made steps towards that.
Trust is a massive element in any relationship. Perhaps having an open conversation with ‘Jerry’ may help to understand where you both are at/what you’re feeling and possibly help to move forward?
HI there @helpmepls ,
Thank you for posting and trusting the community with your story. Your honesty shines through in that you recognise what you did and how it may have caused hurt, and you have also been able to reflect on your actions in order to become a better person. This is commendable.
It is understandable that the element of guilt still lingers. We read that you are 'pretty much over it now' and have vowed to become a better person. Is this enough to help you move forward? Do you think 'Jerry' also has the same commitment as you do? It is so important that relationships are built on trust from both sides. It doesn't mean things will always be rosy (as you have experienced), however, what you have said in being open in communication is vital.
It would be good to have this conversation with 'Jerry'. Unfortunately, we cannot turn back time and change things. So the only thing left is to stay where you are or to move forward.
What do you feel you can do at this point? Would you like to move forward? And would 'Jerry' like to move forward?
