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feeling like i'm being asked to pick a side after friend break up

So, a few years ago now, I became friends with (G), and she introduced me to her close friend (D),

we became like a trio, calling all the time, going to events together,


but probably about a year ago now, they both texted me saying they weren’t friends anymore, but didn’t want to make me pick sides,
however throughout 2024 (G) has been making it clear that it really hurt her that I stayed friends with (D),

telling me that (D) treated her really horribly and that she doesn’t understand why I’m still friends with (D) after knowing everything she’s done,


It’s not that I don’t believe (G), I just can’t remember, I’ve racked my brain, but my memories won’t cooperate,
The little that I do remember mostly felt like misunderstandings or them both being younger, but obviously, I can’t say what it meant to (G), she’s talking like I should remember how she was being treated, but I just can’t,

 

I understand where she’s coming from, idk how I’d feel if someone was still friends with someone who hurt me,

but I’ve seen (D) really grow and change over the last year,

A lot to do with her just growing up in general, now being into her mid-teens,
obviously, I can’t forgive (D) for (G), because that’s something (G) would have to do herself


I just don’t know what to do...

 

It feels like there’s only one answer (G) would be happy with, and it’s not something I can do

I have a lot on at the moment, and I’m really overwhelmed, every time I even think about responding to (G) 's message I get physical stomach pain from the stress.

BvB
BvBPosted 15-01-2025 10:43 PM

Comments

 
Golden
GoldenPosted Wednesday

Hey @BvB

It sounds like you're going through a really difficult and stressful situation at the moment, and I'm really sorry to hear that you're stuck in the middle of this. I totally agree with what everyone else has already mentioned - letting (G) know that you may need a bit of time to think things through before responding sounds like a good starting point. Then, just be honest about how you're feeling and that you don't want to lose a friend, especially given how much they've grown over the last year. 

 

I hope the conversation goes well,  take care and all the best💛

 
Almond_Platypus
Almond_PlatypusPosted Monday

Hey @BvB

 

How are you doing? 

 

I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through—it sounds like such a tough situation to be stuck in the middle of. It’s clear that you care deeply about both (G) and (D), and navigating their fallout while trying to stay fair must feel overwhelming.

 

It’s okay that you can’t remember everything exactly the way (G) does. Memory is tricky, especially when emotions are involved, but what matters most is how you handle things now. You’re not responsible for fixing what happened between them, and it’s okay to set boundaries if this situation is impacting your mental health.

 

If you feel comfortable, maybe let (G) know how much you value her and that you truly empathize with her hurt, even if your memories don’t align perfectly. You can also gently explain that while you’ve seen positive changes in (D), you’re not asking (G) to forgive her—you’re just trying to navigate this in a way that doesn’t force you to lose a friend.

 

Take your time responding to (G)—it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s all anyone can ask of you. 💛

 
SteadySteps
SteadyStepsPosted Sunday

Hi @BvB,


That sounds like quite a tough and overwhelming situation, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling stuck and stressed about how to move forward. It’s clear that you care deeply about your friendships with both (D) and (G), which is making trying to navigate this that much harder. 

 

If thinking about responding to (G) causes physical pain, it might help to let them know that you care but need some time to gather your thoughts. A helpful way forward, suggested by @Olive_Penguin and @Green_Ghost is being clear with your boundaries and letting them know you need time to process and respond when you're ready.

 

Like @Calming_Waves, I also believe that practicing self care is important. This is as prioritising your own well-being can give you the space to recharge and process everything without added pressure. I find the small things, such as having a cup of tea or watching a bit of my favourite show, to be helpful in moments of overwhelm.

 

Either way, I'm sending hugs and wishing you all the best! 😊

 
Calming_Waves
Calming_WavesPosted 16-01-2025 05:37 PM

Hi @BvB,

 

I’m sorry to hear that you’re being caught in the middle of a friendship breakup and that you feel like you’re being pressured to choose a side. It’s never easy to choose between your friends, especially when it seems that you’re not directly involved in what went down with them. It is understandable that you’re feeling confused and overwhelmed because I can see that you want to stay friends with both of them.

 

I agree with @Olive_Penguin and @Green_Ghost about making clear boundaries and communicating honestly with (G) about what you’re feeling and about how you want to keep your friendship with (D). Like @Olive_Penguin said, (G) will most likely still be confused and hurt, but you’ve done what you can. At the end of the day, you’re your own person and you decide who you can be friends with. With that, you also don’t have to rush yourself talking to (G) about this. Take your time to think about things until you’re ready to have a conversation with her.

 

It sounds like this has been causing you lots of stress to the point that you’ve been experiencing stomach pains just thinking about responding to (G)’s message. Engaging in self-care is really important right now. Not only this will help you feel better, but it will also clear your mind and think about how you’re going to approach the situation more calmly. I wonder if there are steps you could take to make yourself relaxed and calm? For me, I like going to the beach or watching my comfort shows when things get overwhelming.

 

In any case, I wish you all the best and I hope everything gets better soon. Sending you lots of love and hugs 🤗💙

 
Green_Ghost
Green_GhostPosted 16-01-2025 11:32 AM

Hi there @BvB

 

It can be really tough having to pick sides in a friendship breakup. Both sides may still want to be friends with you, and may want you to stop being friends with the other. This can be difficult because you don't want to let anyone down and you may want to keep being friends, which can cause some anxious feelings. I can see you're feeling really overwhelmed with all of this, and with all the pressure you're feeling from (G) to stop being friends with (D). 

 

It sounds like you still want to be friends with (D), which is causing the overwhelm. Olive_Penguin commented and spoke about boundaries, which I think is a super relevant point. I think it's important to remember that you can only do the best you can, and you can't make everyone happy in this situation if you want to stay friends with (D) (which you are more than allowed to do, other's can't dictate who you can be friends with). I think it is definitely important to take time to yourself to think, especially if the situation is causing you so much anxiety. 

 

Regarding boundaries, it could be useful to have a frank conversation with (G) just explaining that you understand that this may be upsetting for her and acknowledging her feelings about this topic, you being friends with (D), but that you want to stay friends with them and this has been a really hard decision for you as to what to do about the situation.

 

In the meantime it's definitely important to remember to look out for yourself. Are you doing anything to take care of yourself at the moment, as it sounds like you are quite anxious about all of this? Do you have any methods of self-care that normally get you through difficult times? For example, sometimes when I'm feeling stressed I like to read books or listen to music and meditate. What do you like other than do when you're feeling this way? 

 

I'm wishing you all the best 💜

 
Olive_Penguin
Olive_PenguinPosted 15-01-2025 11:32 PM

Hi @BvB

Being caught in the middle of a friendship breakup is never fun, and unfortunately, it’s natural to feel as though you have to pick a side.

As someone who has been caught in the middle of a friendship breakup, and has also had to put friends in the middle of my own unfortunately, I think it's important to make clear boundaries to both friends that you don’t want to be placed in the middle, because you are allowed to not choose a side. I understand why this could be upsetting to (G) but you do value and care about both friendships, and you're allowed to! Unfortunately, friendship breakups are a part of life, it doesn’t necessarily mean either person is bad, sometimes personalities just don’t mix and arguments occur.

It’s also good to remember to set personal boundaries. Don’t let the situation stress you out and consume you, which I know is easier said than done. Take some time for yourself to process your own emotions, and practice some self-care! Remember that you are not responsible for solving other people's conflicts, it’s not your responsibility to make either of them apologise or forgive the other. And know that you don’t have to talk to (G) about the situation until you feel comfortable enough to.

Take care of yourself, hope some of this was helpful. Happy to listen if you wish to share more 🙂

 
 
BvB
BvBPosted 16-01-2025 12:24 AM

Thank you for your thoughtful response, it’s really appreciated❤️

 

I never expected them to reconcile, or (G) to forgive (D), but when they said they didn’t want me to have to choose sides, I believed them, I didn’t want to get in the middle of things, felt like I was introducing in their business, so I sort of just ignored it...

 

 

(G) has sent messages before, along the lines of “hey, why are you still friends with (D)?”

and I’d thought we had always come to somewhat of an understanding,

 

but recently she asked again, and continued to say, that it felt like I wasn’t acknowledging her hurt, that after thinking about it she should have set the boundary that she wasn’t alright with me being friends with (D) after she cut (D) off

That she was really hurt I stayed friends with (D) after seeing how she was treating her,

 

 

I just don’t know how to respond to her...

 

(G)s upset with me, she has every right to be, I haven’t given her a proper response in nearly two weeks,

she texted Tuesday night that I needed to respond that night or before lunchtime the next day, I told her I couldn’t, that I hadn’t had the space to think about things, she hasn’t messaged back.

 

it just feels like the only thing she’d be happy with is me cutting (D) off which isn’t something I’ll do.

 

 
 
 
Olive_Penguin
Olive_PenguinPosted 16-01-2025 01:32 PM

Hi again @BvB,

I think Green_Ghost had excellent advice about having a frank conversation. I completely understand wanting to avoid conflict, I also tend to ignore situations in hopes they pass, but it seems like (G) doesn’t want to let this topic go. Maybe have a conversation with her to confirm that yes, you are still friends with (D) and you value the friendship and do not wish to cut ties. I know it may not feel that way, but you do not have to justify your friendship with (D) to (G), and in all honesty, I think no matter what you say, (G) will most likely still be confused and hurt. Maybe ask her if you can stop making (D) a point of discussion if it will only cause (G) further upset, especially since you are trying hard to keep the friendships separated.

Having a time frame for an emotional response is always hard, and I'm happy to hear you were able to tell (G) you hadn’t had enough time to think about things. I would suggest taking some time to yourself to think about how to have this conversation with (G), and also take some time to relax since you’ve been under stress for a long time over this situation.

You should be proud of yourself for how you’ve been handling things so far, this is not an easy situation in any sense—wishing you all the best! 😊

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