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How do I come out.. again? Should I?
When I was thirteen, I came out as a lesbian to my family. When I was fifteen, I came out as nonbinary. I now identify as neither. I'm an aromantic pansexual transman.
I figured "coming out" shouldn't really be something you have to do, and I just kind of act like they already know what I am, but they really think I'm still a lesbian even though I've definitely expressed my attraction to men (at least I think I have). And I much prefer he/him pronouns but in the end I don't really care, so I just let them use they/them on me. I talk about my transition goals to essentially pass as a cisman, and categorise myself in with boys, but they still think I'm nonbinary.
This is about to turn into more of a vent than just a simple question about coming out, sorry about that. Pre-warning, it's mostly discussion of transphobia, specifically towards transmen.
Coming out gets a little more complex now that I've realised over these last few years that my parents really hate men, and in fact I think the only reason I thought I was a lesbian in the first place is because they'd ingrained a fear (or even disgust, maybe) of men into me. Being nonbinary is also safer because, even though it's shitty to think this way, it does allow my parents to think "oh they're still a girl, just a little to the left". Not the way a lot of nonbinary people work, but unfortunately it seems to be the way my parents think.
So one of my parents is a transwoman, and ever since she came out, she's been saying all the time "why would you ever want to be a man?" or even before she came out and when I came out as nonbinary she asked why I'd ever want to be anything other than a woman. She's also said "why you would ever want to be attracted to men?" She often says this stuff jokingly, but it hurts. She even passes off undeniably transphobic things about transmen as a joke. She's a self-described radical feminist (as if majority of radfems aren't transphobes) and, I can't tell if it was a joke, but she has said a few times that she thinks the world would be better if men just didn't exist. I recognise, now, that forcing your own discomforts about your gender onto your kids is not okay. Also, while she never deadnames me, she still hasn't changed my contact name on her phone and it makes me really uncomfortable to see. I wonder if she was trying to live vicariously through me. I know she's working through her trauma of being closeted trans for so many years, and I know she's still settling into the acceptance of her own gender, but I really wish she could do it without shitting on the other side of the binary.
Then my other parent is a ciswoman who's not quite so man-hating as the other, but she's said some very hurtful things in her time. Like when I came out as nonbinary she told me she'd lost a feminist, as if only women can be feminists?? She made womanhood out to be such an important, precious thing and manhood to be something disgusting that for a while I still considered myself "a woman, but not a man. A boy, but not a girl". It's entirely fine if that's how you view your gender or you just want to express your gender like that, but for me it came from a place of internalised shame and disgust. Then I think unrelated to the man-hating she told me I should wait to do any transitioning until at least I'm 18 in case I change my mind, and now I'm 18 and she's still fucking telling me to wait (but I know it's not her decision). And I've brought up never having had a crush before (well I've had one crush, but that was years ago), and she's of course told me that I just "haven't found the one" or I don't know what a crush or romantic love feels like. She's even said, essentially, that aromantic people are robots.
I know the answer is "only come out if it's safe to do so", but I have no idea what the outcome will be. But I want them to see me as their son and not a lesbian because it makes me dysphoric and I want gender euphoria instead. I also wonder if they'll start to change their viewpoints if I officially come out. Though I still don't know how I'm supposed to come out again, it just feels like it'll take too much energy. I just don't want them thinking I'm a nonbinary lesbian my whole life.
Comments
Hey @utgard ,
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds incredibly challenging, and I can only imagine how frustrating and exhausting it must be to constantly navigate these complex family dynamics. Coming out and being true to yourself is tough enough without having to deal with the added layer of transphobia and negative attitudes towards men.
It seems like you’re really clear on who you are and what you want, which is great. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to prioritise your own well-being and mental health. If coming out again and correcting their misconceptions will help you feel more seen and respected, it might be worth considering. However, I totally get that it feels like a lot of energy, especially when you’re unsure of the outcome.
Maybe it could help to write down your thoughts and feelings in a letter to your parents, so you can communicate everything clearly without interruption. This way, you can ensure you’ve said everything you need to say without the pressure of a face-to-face conversation.
Your feelings about gender euphoria and wanting to be seen as their son are completely valid. It’s also okay to set boundaries and protect yourself from hurtful comments, even if they come from a place of your parents’ own struggles and biases.
You deserve to be supported and respected for who you are. It might be worth seeking out a supportive community or a therapist who understands LGBTQ+ issues to help you navigate these tough conversations and emotions.
Remember, you’re not alone in this, and there are people who understand and support you. Take care of yourself, and I hope things get better for you
Hi @utgard ! Thankyou for sharing with us, this sounds like a really rough situation 💜
The first thing I want to say is big congrats on coming to terms with your identity as an aromantic pansexual transman!! I think it's super common for young queer people to come out as one label and then come out again as something different later on. Over the past few years I've cycled through a couple different labels myself before recently just settling on queer as my label. We're all living and learning more about ourselves all the time and I think that's really beautiful.
I'm so sorry to hear that your parents have been making lots of negative comments about men, I can understand that this would be incredibly hurtful for you to hear, especially in your journey as a transman. I had a similar experience when I was younger before I came out of overhearing family members make negative comments about specific queer people, and I remember just how upset and betrayed this made me feel. It's really not ok for your parents to be making these comments, and I hope you know that your identity and experience as a transman is so valid and beautiful.
I think you've hit the nail on the head in the sentiment that before coming out as any type of queer, the most important consideration is of course safety. That said, I completely understand why you would really want to come out to your parents again, and have them validate and accept your new identity. Ultimately, coming out, as i'm sure you know, is completely up to you.
I'm wondering whether you're out as trans to many other people in your life at all? It could be really helpful for you to get a bit of extra support from other people who your know will respect your identity, and who might be able to assist you in chatting with your parents. If you decide that you do want to come out to your parents, one thing I would definitely recommend is to perhaps make a list, or write out beforehand, some things that you would like to say to your parents. Sometimes it's really easy in these difficult conversations to get across all the things we really want to say, and I find that doing this before always helps me to stay calm and to properly get across all that I want to say.
I'm sending lots of care and good vibes your way 💛
Hi @utgard,
It’s nice to hear from you again, and thank you for sharing your experience so openly with the community. It’s clear that you’re navigating a complex and challenging situation with your family, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling confused about where to go from here.
Having your parents affirm your identity as an aromantic pansexual transman is clearly and understandably very important to you. At the same time, it's equally understandable that you’re feeling unsure about coming out to them, especially given their negative views towards men.
One approach that might be helpful for making this decision could be to make a pros and cons list for coming out to your parents. Sometimes writing down the potential benefits and drawbacks can help bring some clarity to your decision-making process. Would this be something you might like to try?
Do you have any supportive friends or family members who might be able to support you through this decision or the coming-out process? Having someone in your corner who affirms your identity could be helpful as you navigate this situation.
If you would be interested in exploring other avenues for support, Qlife provides support to individuals that are LGBTQIA+ and may be worth checking out. They are available via chat or phone from 3pm-12am every day of the week.
Take care 🌻
Hi @utgard ❤️
It sounds like you’ve been having a hard time feeling supported and understood by your parents and I am so sorry to hear that. However, you should be proud of yourself for reaching out for support and sharing your story here on ReachOut.
It can be very tricky when our parents have different opinions to us, and while sometimes their views can be expressed as a ‘joke’, it can be hurtful if there’s some truth to these jokes. I am sorry that they have said or done hurtful things, you do not deserve that at all.
I think if you are comfortable doing so, having clear communication with your parents may help. I definitely agree that coming out isn’t something you should have to do, but maybe having direct conversations around your sexuality and gender identity may help you set clear boundaries about how you want to be treated. After all, you deserve to be respected and shouldn’t have to deal with hurtful comments or actions. Your feelings of wanting gender euphoria are completely valid and you have every right to achieve this.
You may also want to check out the Sexuality section on ReachOut as it covers peoples different experiences of coming out as well as some support services for the LGBTQIA+ community.
Sending love 🫶🏻