Talking about gender is impossible
I have recently realised I’m trans (MtF). I have been casually contemplating gender for what I now realise is my whole life and now all my repressed dysphoria is crashing down on me. I am really depressed and I’m to stupid to ask for help.
I first realised a few months ago after a year of ignorant pondering. I came out to a couple friends (both supportive) and my parents (also supportive).
I am stuck though. My parents are very emotional people and cry/show love all the time. I on the other hand am extremely emotionally repressive and don’t allow myself to feel much other than surface level emotions. This emotional detachment has caused me to fear strong emotions, good or bad, thinking about being hugged makes me physically sick and I hate to be touched in any other way.
This means that a serious conversation about my gender identity has the potential to emotionally defeat me for an indefinite amount of time.
My problem is simple; how do I make it through these difficult conversations without having a brake down or something else of the sort?
Ideally I would be able to completely doge the conversation entirely but my dysphoria is killing me so I’d rather do something. I just can’t stomach the idea of that conversation though and I really need help getting through it.
I think I could get through it if I had someone else representing my side but I don’t have any friends that would do that. (I know that my parents are on my side but they are talking to me not with me.)
do you have any suggestions on how to get through this conversation?
thanks in advance 🥰
Comments
Hey @Cobalt_is_cool
Thank you for sharing what you're going through with us, and congratulations on coming our as trans! 🙌 It's great to hear that your parents have been supportive, but I can understand that their emotions could also be a lot to handle.
Gender dysphoria is a really tough thing to go through, I'm wondering if you've found anything to feel more gender euphoria at all? This can even be by making smaller changes to the clothes you wear, how you style your hair or experimenting with make up. Do you think trying any of these things could ward off the dsyphoria a little bit?
I'm also wondering if you have a therapist you can talk to about how you're feeling? You mentioned not wanting to break down, which is understandable - feeling feelings can be really overwhelming and draining. But it can also bring some relief, especially when you have support. It's ok that you're finding this difficult, exploring and discovering your gender identity is huge! It can really help to chat to someone who understands gender dysphoria and all the other things that come with your gender identity journey. You can find a list of trans-affirming professionals here.
When it comes to talking to your parents a little bit more indepth about what being trans means for you and how you're feeling at the moment, do you think writing a letter might be an option? I know you've already come out to them, but Transhub have some draft letters you might like to look at and edit to fit what you'd like to say to them 😊
